I need feedback from people who have experienced infidelity and are back. My husband has cheated on me while married and confessed to have cheated while dating too. I wouldn't have sex with him when we were dating, I thought it was wrong and he just went to look for it somewhere else and never really stopped. Cheated with 3 people during a relationship of 4 years. After married, we went through a tough time, he decided the marriage wasn't going anywhere and cheated again.
After all these years he has told me all the things he has done, and is asking for forgiveness. He sais he will change and that he has been a terrible person, and doesn't what to be that. He wants a to start again, having told me everything... mmmm
We have been married for only 3 years, no children, and been together for 7.
Opinions? Is there anyway someone could really change? My brain tells me HELL NO!
thanks for your comments

Is he willing to go to MC?

From my personal experience in my life and also from my 2nd wife........most cheaters will eventually cheat again. NOT ALL.....so dont flame me. But, a great majority of people who have gotten away with affairs and have then let the dust clear, have wound up doing the same thing again. Many times a person HAS to be left for their eyes to be open in the next relationship. This is my humble opinion from experience.

Thanks for your advice startinover. I appreciate your oppinion.
He does want to go to MC, I am the one resisting to that, since I don't want to give the impression that I am comited when I am doubting.

Numb, go to MC. In the end, it might just be him that needs to go, since clearly he is the one with the issue. But counseling of some sort is a MUST. If you don't want to go, you can measure his level of desire to change if he is willing to go without you. He needs help either way, with you or not. So encourage him to go on his own and see what happens.

My H cheated once and I don't think I'd be around for another. BUT, I have a good friend from church whose H did exactly what you are describing. All at once he came clean about several A's and wanted to change. They worked through MC and after 3 years are doing very well. She believes he is a changed man. I know God is able to change even the most sinful of persons (like me) so it is possible for a person to TOTALLY and COMPLETELY change. I believe my H will or I wouldn't be in Recovery.

I know you are newly married with no kids. I know you are hesitant to work on this. But how much do you love him, how sincere do you think he is, how much do you think he loves you and are you willing to throw away a 7 year investment. There is no right or wrong answer, only what you think is right.

Pray for guidance. God will see you through.
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Godhelpme2,
Thanks so much for your note. My H has started to go to counseling but didn't help much. Had to take him to a emergency rm a couple of days ago cause of a nervous breakdown, it scared me. He has made an appointment with a specialist but has to wait for 2 weeks to see him...
Well, I guess its all about waiting and seing how it goes.
I think he has been truthful, and I think he has a problem to solve in his head. He seems to be convinced that he has to work on it... Hopefully things will improve...
I guess MC comes later on? Not sure if we should do that...
We are extreemely stressed right now and have been for more than 2 months. I think we are exhausted. Already under medication for stress and sleeping pills.... what a mess!!!
Do you still suggest we go to MC now?
I love him with all my heart... But I am still hessitant. you know....
Thanks again for your thoughts.

Numb, I'm so sorry to hear about all the turmoil in your house. How devestating! It is not uncommon for this to happen. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown a couple of times.

Counseling is a MUST for your H, right away. He clearly isn't doing well and he needs help aside from mediation. I would insist on that and allow that counselor to see if MC is necessary. We did IC weekly and MC every other week for awhile because our counselor had so much to work through with us individually. After we got to a better place we do MC weekly and I don't go but once in a while. He still goes weekly too for now.

That is my suggestion, but I do think some sort of counseling is very necessary for your H. Good luck.
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Has everyone here read the "Basic Concepts"?

Has Everyone here read "Surviving an Affair"?

Read any off the links up top?

Start there please...it will make this so much easier once you have the map, then we can chart a course.


RebornMan

I guess maybe I didnt fully explain my answer......If a person cheats once, I believe they may never cheat again. BUT! Those who have cheated several times, then its like a drug to them, I feel all they have to do is be in a position to cheat (temptation) and then they more than likely will succumb to it.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I am new to this site, and haven;t posted my story yet. I did see your post, and it reminds me a little of what's going on in my life right now. I am the one who has cheated on my wife of 1 year (together altogether for 4), and I did so with 6 or more different women. She found out, and now we're talking about divorce. I have started the steps to stop the cheating by getting to know myself, and going to counselling by myself. Even if my wife does not take me back, I'm done with cheating.

You basically proved my point. You did it more than once and you continued to do it. You have recognized that it is/was a problem and its good you have decided to correct it.

PS.....why did it take 7 times to realize its not right to cheat??? Not flaming you, Im just curious???

PSS. My now wife KNEW her first husband cheated on his first wife and also cheated on her while they dated. Why would she think he would STOP after she married him????

My exhusband cheated throughout our 25 years of marriage and I had no idea! When I discovered the most recent affair with his co-worker, he denied everything even though I had evidence and witnesses. I told him that in order for "us" to stay together, he had to transfer jobs and stop seeing her. Everything was good for approximately 3 months until he and the other woman started secretly meeting again.

I did not know about this site,however, I did go to counseling and decided that I could not live my life in constant worry about the next time. My ex would not go to counseling. We divorced and through friends and our grown children I am told that each of his girlfriends thinks they are the "only" one in his life. He cheats on each one of them which leads me to believe that he is a habitual cheater.

The pain has never left and I still think of him everyday. I am remarried to a wonderful, loving man who has shown me what a true marriage with love and trust is all about.

Being a FWH and now a BS, I can CONFIDENTLY state that I am reformed...

I have NO desire to AGAIN inflict on another person, the pain I have felt for the last 4 months.

I will eventually have to explain this rotten PAST behavior to any future ladies in my life, but, given the chance, I will PROVE to her I am trustworthy.

WNB

As someone who is d-ing a repeat offender I have to chime in here...

MY WH also would "break up" with me when we were dating to have sex w/ OW (I was not giving it up either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) and then beg his way back to my arms.

Wish I had known then what I know now!!! Grrr!

I have been through more d-days then I can count AND I count at least 6-7 As that WH has been in.

I have plenty of faith that someone can make a colossal mistake, regret it and reform. The repeaters though? Not from where I am standing. Sorry.

Have you explored that your WH might be a sex addict? Mine sure is. These types are apt to repeat over and over until they see there is a problem and seek intensive help for it. Even then I think it is a crap shoot.

Being a newbie and a BW, I am trying to figure out if my WH is a pattern cheater or just stupid and trying to figure himself out. How do you characterize a perpetual cheater?

Mine has had one online affair, one sexual affair, and one encounter while out of town with no sexual contact over the past 8 years of our marriage. Just found out a month ago about the sexual affair and the out of town issue.

There are probably other things you may not know about, there always are when you are picking up pieces at a time of a problem.

Once is stupid, more than once is starting to be a pattern.

My former behavior was my only "dip" in the pond of infidelity and I shan't be going BACK!!!!

Color me REFORMED!!!!

WRT STBXW, I had my "fog" on BIG time!!

- STBXW admitted to cheating on her then-fiance at a school while he took care of her daughter.
- She also had an ONS, cheating on her at-the-time husband.
- She cheated with me...we got M'ed and I thought things would change!!!!
- She cheated with three men in a one year overseas tour.
- Actively plotted to cheat in APR 2001 (unwilling victim)
- Actively plotting to go on temporary duty so she could f!@k her next "victim".
- Post D-Day she drunkenly called a former subordinate and asked him to come back to a party so she could "see what happened". She admits to trying to push me away in this case...

I was SUCH a dope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

STBXW admits to loving the "chase"...having a man look at her, want her and pursue her. The sex wasn't the draw it was the "pursuit" that eventually was her downfall.

She's in IC and seems to be a real mess right now, but I cannot subject myself (with NO M committment from her since D-Day) to the possibility of D-Day #2...it's only a matter of time unless she accepts REAL help.

I only hope there is a GOOD woman out there to see that I have CHANGED and deserve a shot at earning her trust... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

WNB

BL... I hate to tell ya, but that is pattern!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My WH did not always go 'all the way' over that line, but then again the fact that he would have if given a chance...

A MM does not kiss OW, he does not chase OW, he does not have ONSs, he does not spend inordinate amts of time conversing or otherwise communicating with OW.... this is a problem, this is a serial cheater. My WH used to say he was "just a" flirt!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

A repeater...as I now know, is MUCH harder to reform and they must REALLY want it... mine, unfortunatley, did not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

WNB... being totally honest here... I would find it very difficult to build a relationship with a man who has cheated.

That being said, I think everything is subjective in this...

You seem to me to be very sorry for your A and *I* believe you when you say you have changed your ways... I guess something about the shoe being on the other foot makes it easier to believe. You now know what it is like to be the BS. I think that goes a very long way to solidifying your reformation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Still, I would have to be around someone quite awhile to know if I were comfortable with that knowledge, ya know?

FWIW, you were no more dopey than the rest of us who wanted so badly to save our Ms... faith and hope.... not dope!

Thanks for the honesty...this is something I will have to deal with in the future. I have to prepare myself for the rejections that will come from my past behavior.

It is certainly not something to introduce on the first date, but the bottom line is that I will not lie or obfuscate what I have done.

When the subject arises, the WHOLE story will be told (less the gory details). I hope to show any future prospects that while I have behaved atrociously in the past (9 years ago), I have LEARNED the lesson and am a much better person for it now.

Then let the chips fall where they may...

I have a tough row to hoe and it will take a woman with a BIG heart to see beyond my prior faults. I can only then work to gain (and keep) her trust.

A work in progress...

WNB