I have been viewing this site for the month and a half since dday. I am at a stopping point.

Here is the information. My husband of almost 10 years had an emotional and slightly sexual 2 month affair with a woman at work. I found out on the dday, took my son, and left him. He was extremely mean that day and told me not to go since I had to finish my degree. He never once told me he loved me. We talked the next morning; he was crying and begging me to take him back. He said that he didn't really love her, etc., and that he loved me more than anything. I told him that I would not come to him; if he wanted me he had to come get us. He came right after a meeting with his supervisor.

In the month and a half since then, we have been seeing a marriage counselor, and he is seeing his own personal counselor. I have told him that I have to know everything to get past the A. He has still been lying about things. He didn't tell me that he told her some bad things about me. He didn't tell me that on dday (after he basically pushed me away) he told her that he meant all of the things he said to her. He didn't tell me that he couldn't "perform" with me one night during the A b/c he thought of her. They supposedly never had sex, although he told her he loved her and that she was perfect for him. These things are much worse. The lies that I mentioned above are things that have come out ~every 2 weeks since we started to try to piece everything back together.

Every time he lies to me and tells me during an argument (where I am dragging details out of him), it brings us back to dday. I am at the point where I cannot take any more lies. I don't think he is worth this. Unfortunately, he told me this morning that if he can't have me and our son, he will kill himself. I don't think I am strong enough for this. I am at the point where divorce is definitely preferable to staying together, since although I love him, I cannot stand thinking about the A and the fact that he didn't know if he loved me. His epiphany after I found out does not make up for the A.

Any advice?

It has been said they need to feel they are safe in telling you the truth. This means no anger no LB's at all. You need to stop arguing with him. Does he read MB? Do you have the books -both of you need to read these together. Follow the plan.

Yep…………….. ( SLOW DOWN! )

Now is not the time to make any rash decisions.

Start your plan A for yourself, Look inward and improve yourself, heal you first.

You can decide to get a divorce after you are better.

No one said you have to decide today if the M is going to make it. Give yourself a year at least. It is much easier to get out of a M than it is to get back into one that didn’t have to end.

Believe me there is no statute of limitations on adultery, it’s a valid reason for D for a few years at least.

You can do this,

Oz

D:

Realtor & Oz have already given you great advice.

Let me just add my 50 cents worth:

I want to emphasize how important it is for you to make it safe for your H to tell you the truth. Imagine the shame and self-loathing he feels when he looks into your eyes and sees the pain he put there.

The OW became his haven, his confidant. You must take that back. And you will not until you change your attitude there.

Is this easy? He** no. I spent (wasted) months feeling all kinds of superiority and bitterness over my h's betrayal of me/us. Easy to say, hard to do, but Let It Go.

Are you at all religious? If so, consider Jesus. When we sin, does He, who died for us, become angry? Abandon us? I think you know the answer.

Your H is caught in the throes of a messy addiction. You will be the only one who can set Recovery in motion.

Fortunately, you have a forum for venting you anger. It's this place. Save your rage for us. Yes, you are entitled to it. But your rage will not help your M. At all.

Oz is right, you can get a D later, when you have done everything possible to save this M. Your son, BTW, deserves an intact family, with both Mom & Dad. And D changes evreything, forever.

Best of luck. Prayers for your family.