Okay...so the fact that I recently connected with another man was disclosed to my STBX-WH. I am obviously not happy about his continued affair with OW (the 2nd during our marriage although I am pretty sure the 1st was a 1-night stand) so is he just pretending to be happy for me when he sees me moving on or is this just a cover????

WH's response:
"Whoa! Didn't know you had met someone. Sniper school huh? Thats pretty interesting. Hope once he gets back it goes well for you. It is wierd how you never notice lyrics until something big is going on in your life, then you can't stop hearing them. Well, I'm off to lunch in a bit. Congrats again, hopfully his tour won't be too long and he will return safe and sound. -WH"

My response:
Yeah...bad timing for us but OM and I met when we both were at the Australian Pub to celebrate a common friend's going away party (she is moving to Australia thus the theme) right before I left for Florida. He is also 29 yo, midwest bred, he trains with X when in SD and is getting ready for the Military 1/2 IM Championships. He is pursuing an advanced degree in snipering right now which means he is not in SD very often and also is getting ready for a prolonged (indefinite amount of time) departure to Iraq which makes any form of relationship hard to pursue at this point. It is for the best though as I don't feel right diving into a relationship with the thoughts I still wrestle with regarding us. Perhaps when he returns, things will be different??? So what lyrics have hit a homerun for you?

I know WH thinks of me but I don't think he can fathom confronting me and trying to rebuild a marriage. WH has always been the type that believes that once a decision is made (like divorce), there is no turning back. And for him to turn back means he has to also confront my disapproving family, friends, and athletic community...many are very disappointed and pissed off at him cuz of how has treated me and responded to my goodwill so it would NOT be easy at all for him to return home to rebuild a marriage with me.

Thoughts??? I am triggering more often and I am not sure if it is because the finalization of our divorce is nearing or I am just lonely. Help.

Thanks,

Muels

I don't really know what to say but my STBX has also told me that he wants me to meet someone and hopes they make me happy. The only reason that I can think of is that if they know we've met someone then it makes them feel off the hook for their own affair. I don't know!!!!!!
I don't understand how they think. I wish you the best. Hang in there!!!

Thanks TR...yeah, I still sometimes find myself desperate to know what is going through WH's head because there isn't much he has said or done that has made any sense this past year. I suppose that is why they say our WS's live in a "foggy" world. Perhaps our WS's feel better about their affairs once we have moved on but I betcha that they get extremely jealous upon the deterioration of their surreal and doomed-for-failure relationship with OW. I know he thinks of me but is trying to desperately turn that "off" switch by ignoring me and now living with OW with whom I think he knows has no long-term potential.

Ughhhhh....hate all this. Wish I had some closure so I could truly move forward with this aspect of my life.

How are things going in Florida? I was just in Delray Beach visiting some friends a few weeks go ( : Love it in Florida!

Muels

Hi kjb,
Last night one of our boys, though not biological, left to join a new unit is SD, which is also being deployed in August to Iraq. I am sad!

He has lived with us for a year, minus his time at basic and AIT. He belonged to a different unit until a few months ago when he was reassigned. He left today and will go to more training until he goes out in August. It sucks. I can't get it through my head that this is really happening since he drove off in his own car just like any other time, but instead was going to stay with his dad overnight who took him to the airport. If I had gone to the airport it would have hit me I'm sure.

I had to chime in since you said SD and Iraq...I can't really contribute at all about your WH and his thinking. I am very happy that you have found someone you are interested in.

I have followed your story for a long time...you sound so much better all the time. Hang in there!

Your WH is a lying cheat, but I think IN THIS ONE INSTANCE he is telling you the truth. I think he has more than tols you a million times over he does not care about you. In all honesty he is probably privately thrilled that you found someone else. It may ease his guilt. I don't think he cares about your "well being" and the fact that you found "someone", but more that in his typical self serving nature maybe you will leave him alone and stop trying to save him.

THIS IS THE UNDENIABLE truth Muels. Sometimes I hate posting to you becuase I know that what you are REALLY REALLY looking for is for someone here to throw out a kernel of hope for you and him. Sorry to be the one who cannot in good conscience do that.

Goodluck,

LM

My son just got back from Iraq. Do not place alot of hope that the R will survive his tour. They change after being in a war and need time to reajust. Don't want to bust your bubble. My son had a woman he was writting to and she dumbed him when he got back. I was glad she wrote him while over there it kept his spirits high but alot of our troops were dumped while going to battle. It was very hard on all of them. So please write to him while he is over there. My son told me about how the guys looked and he said their faces looked horrible.

MAL...yeah, I can't imagine how you are feeling having one of your own being deported. It is very scary thinking of all that has been going on in Iraq. You should be proud of what good he is doing for our country. I sometimes wish OM wasn't going away but I think it will be a good time for me to continue to heal and finalize my divorce to WH which will allow me to be more ready to possibly pursue a relationship with him when he returns.

LM...I can always rely on you to knock me with a bit of reality. Sometimes I wonder if I know you as many of the messages you give me sound very familiar meaning I have heard similar responses from family/friends/even WH's parents...Mmmmm.

Realtor...we have not begun a relationship; we merely hit it off one night, connecting on several levels and have maintained contact via e-mail. He is now at sniper school and will be shipped off soon. I can only imagine the stress each soldier experiences while in Iraq and it is understandable that there is a healing period that is needed upon their return. This guy and I train in the same group and have common friends so when he does return, we are bound to reconnect whether it be merely as friends or something a bit more serious. Time will tell. I will just be happy when I have some closure so I feel comfortable moving forward in a relationship with a man other than my STBX-WH.

Cheers,

Muels

Realtor and kjb,
I am so afraid of what he will be like when he returns. He is supposed to be gone on this whole thing for almost 2 yrs. According to paperwork, which of course is subject to change, his Iraq time will be 404 days. Even if he was going to timbuktoo for a job and not a war, 2 years time will change him. Throw in a war for good measure and my heart just sinks.

My son, who is best buds with this guy, was sitting on his bed and fiddling with something in his hands, over and over, as we were trying to absorb that he was gone, and I could see my son getting kind of emotional and very thoughtful and he said "he better not get shot, I'll be soooo mad". That's tough stuff for 18 year olds to think about. And moms too. Even if I'm only his substitute mom.

He is excited to go-I guess ready to put all his training to work. I am very grateful for all our armed forces do for us and proud that this kid is willing and eager to go. I think being an only child he could get out of going, but that is not him. The sad thing to me is I don't think he can possibly comprehend what he will see or what it is going to be like. And maybe it's better, so he's not afraid. Oh dear, it's starting to sink in. Here come the tears, finally.