Sorry I posted right in between ya Lady and Hopeful.

Yes, I'm contributing like a crazy person in non-monetary ways. But it was a huge issue before, where I wouldn't pay the bills until there was a shut off (Because I didn't have the funds, not because I find it amusing). But he would say "I don't even feel like I can go outside, or someone is going to come up with another shut off notice".

It's been this way for quite some time, although, in the beginning, he worked and I stayed home with the kids.

I don't believe I qualify for food stamps, oddly enough, at least last time I checked I was OVER income....that's funny, eh?

You're right, he's disrespectful, and it's sad. I just keep praying he'll wake up and smell the coffee before I just cut my losses.

Yes, I'm sure I could cut the cigarettes out, but I've already stopped taking Xanax, due to lack of funds....so my nerves are fricken shot as it is.....I might go on a murdering spree myself.

As far as contact, if he is, she is a low maintenance b*tch I'm here to tell you, cuz I can account for the vast majority of his time.

I guess what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger....or maybe it just doesn't kill me....Hell I dunno.



-Caren

I would try for the food stamps again or something. I can't believe you were over income or that you would be now anyway. Esp. with school.

HINY

Caren,

I can't even imagine life in your shoes right now, and I don't know if your just a very strong person or crazy to put up with him.

I went through a lot these past few years, and especially the last few weeks but I can't even fathom what I am reading here.

You do what you think is best and know that YOU are a very special person.

If I could I would strangle your H with my bare hands. What a poor excuse of a man. And believe me I have known some doozies. Hopefully this is all WS behavior (soon to be recovered) and not personality disorder behavior, coupled with gross immaturity.

Caren, how long 'til you'll have your LPN?

Another thought about your H... and I'm not rationalizing, justifying anything here...
(but I'll probably annoy some people).

The "male ego" is, uhh... still alive and well in 2005, I think. I would not be the least bit surprised to know that your H is NOT feeling very good about himself (understatement) for the "simple" reason that he "can't support his family" (WHATEVER that means).

OW, affair, recovery, et al... ALL that aside... there could well be a helluva lot of STUFF going on in his brain (ie. ego, self-esteem, etc.).

Is he handling it the best way? No, of course not. But....

(((((((((Caren)))))))))))

I dont have much advise at all to give you, but I wanted to send you a hug and let you know I am reading too.

NO doubt these are all big factors in this situation.

LM

I for one find little value in the blaming and beating up on Carens husband...

financial stressors are huge huge common factors in marital discontent....so the plan both adults have accepted in this marriage is that the spouse that isn't "good" and never has been 'good' at paying bills for some reason takes on that role...

can we say predisposed to failure....and then when the caa-caa hits the fan BOTH parties are free to go ballistic and knee jerky.....all over one another...it makes no sense yet something that needs to be addressed and planned out and executed together...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I for one can not lose sight of the fact that carens husband most likely meets the criteria of a battered spouse...

and Caren has NO specific plan to address this issue..it would be so much more unnacceptable to posters here if the roles were reversed and SHE was the one who usually bore the brunt of the physical outbursts...they would be adamant that HE seek out counsel to address this issue....so I say the same to HER

Caren should go to a womens shelter TODAY and seek out the FREE information and programs they have for the perpertrators of such actions.....

The OW keeps getting brought up when I believe she has little to do with how her husband feels....and it's just a smoke screen to avoid the real behaviors of this union...

and while nothing justifies the use of an interloper....I bet carens husband trusts her as little as she trust him...AND agree whole heartedly with the beating his own self esteem has taken....and his ego.....and his shame...shame for his actions AND shame for what HE accepts in his world...no wonder he cries escape every chance he gets....

I can not in all honesty NOT say to Caren exactly what we advise here over and over...
words are cheap..quit using them..
seek out all actions that show change ..
seek out real tools that teach change...not just lip service to change....

and step up to the plate...

caren this is a tough post to swallow...and I mean you know malace....but I grow weary of the fire after fire popping up in your life...and the way they get put out in the same chaotic manner over and over...

this is not say that I don't reconize that you are trying to change...and that I don't see hope for you...
but lordy somethings gotta give.....

ARK

I agree Ark, I do. I haven't had an angry outburst, or even yelled since the day it blew up a few weeks ago. I know that I need to protect my husband from me. I only wish he felt the same.

Yesterday was his day off (He slept on the couch Wednesday night) I didn't bother him, I just let him be. He stayed home with the kids and cleaned the house. We didn't really talk to each other, just me asking him questions like "I'm making hot dogs for dinner, do you want one?" etc. I also thanked him for cleaning the house. He said "You don't have to thank me for cleaning the house" I said "Well it was nice, I appreciated it" He said "Why?" I said "Because, it was just a nice thing to come home to". We sat and watched TV and then about 11pm I got up and kissed him on the cheek (He pulled away), and I said "Goodnight, I love you" He said "Goodnight" and walked into the bedroom and got his pillow and went back to the couch. I said "You are welcome to sleep in our bed." He didn't reply, so I went to sleep.

This morning he's asking about the other utility bills, I am doing everything I can to pay them, but I can only do so much.

I don't know what else to do, I'm being loving, but keeping my distance, because he appears to want it. I'm not being disrespectful. The only thing I can do is pay the damn bills and show him I won't let them get disconnected I guess......

I don't know, I'm growing weary, and MY love bank is taking some serious hits. I didn't even want to come home from work yesterday. I have been praying non-stop, just to get me through this, I feel like I'm about to run out of gas....I'm feeling very empty, I don't know what to do about that, it's very hard to stay upbeat. I have the urge to cut and run...........but I'm the one who was so hellbent to save this marriage, so that's not an option, I think that would just prove that I would end up deserting him again.

I'm so down about all this, he hasn't been this cold to me throughout this entire thing, I feel like I've been transported back to when the *A* first started and he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.......this is what it was like before I moved out, with the exception of sleeping in the same bed (For some reason in the 2 weeks before I moved out we were having SF every night, he initiated).

So, I have no plan, I don't know where to start. Do I plan A again?? I seriously don't know if I have the stamina for that again.

-Caren

caren you have NO recovery plan...

you need to get yourself in to angermanagement...
he is just waiting for you to blow...and without you getting real strategy skills and learning new ways....

thats where you two will be..

I am shocked that you have expectations about more from him...

all your intentions to save this marriage mean naught without action

anger management classes
counseling..via a church or whatever where ever it takes..
financial budgeting classes...
something
anything
that are concrete ACTIONS

enough of this day by day verbal blahness...
words serve neither of you...
it is ALL action...

find actions that SHOW him you are changing....
and let go of all expectations of him..

are you waiting for him to change before you change...??

caren....seek out your minister..or someone who can connect you with resources...

time is precious

ARK

I agree with ARK's posts to you.

Want to share that where I live the District Attorney's Office has information about ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES which are sponsored by the COURT SYSTEM. They require both spouses to attend.

I'm not going to even attempt to defend myself. I'm hopeless, I give up. He wins, I'm too tired, I can't do this anymore.

-Caren

Caren,

With all due respect, you're not hopeless...HE is.


Froz

I don't know who wins the most hopeless catagory, but the sitch is definitely hopeless, and I'm crying, and for the first time it's not because I love him, I'm crying because I don't know if I do anymore, and that scares me.

-Caren

Caren

you really think WH wins if you give up recovering your marriage for good ?

Releasing him without any chance of putting right his sins to wallow in his iniquity ? A Dog returning to its vomit, a washe dpig once again rolling in he mud?

You serve HIM best as your serve YOURSELF by using every tactic to recommit him to your M long enough for withdrwal to complete.

Its hard though. Oh I know how hard.

Always remember you have the right, supported by God, to quiet recovery.

All blessings.

Caren ~ there are alot of other things to do...things that you have ignored when suggested by people on this board.

Right now you are in a "My way or the highway" mode...

How about a plan that involves dealing with YOU, instead of focusing on what your husband is or isnt doing?

Caren:

Stop this. It is not a competition about who wins or not. This is really about you. You starting right now, working on becoming the best person that YOU can be. He can follow you, come along with you or not. At least, begin working on yourself for your children's sake......

I'm NOT in my way or the highway mode, I don't have enough gas left for the highway.

I have worked on myself, I continue to work on myself, I have been trying to save my family for almost a year now, and I'm so tired, no one in my real life supports this decision, some of them accept it, but everyone thinks it's stupid, apparently even my husband.

It's such an uphill battle.

Lately I keep thinking....Look at me, I'm 37, and this is where I am? This is what I've worked for? I am where I am due to choices I've made, and wrong choices are par for the course.

When does someone kiss my [censored]? When does someone fill my EN's? When does someone think Caren is an okay person? When the hell is it my turn? When?

Yeah, I know, it's my taker talking, I guess my taker finally beat my giver to death.

Am I now vulnerable to an affair??? Oh probably, I'm so affection starved, I honestly don't remember what it's like to have someone be affectionate to me.

Ugh, I need a beer.

-Caren

So do I, Caren... I join ya.
You want a glass for that, or no?

How's he behaving/acting/being today/tonight?

Ok, sorry I was too cryptic.

Caren - you are insisting on everything being on Caren's Way, and when it doesn't happen, you give up (the highway).

You aren't anywhere near surrender hun.

Again, why not take some suggestions from the wiser folks on the board who have had some excellent advice?

Nothing is hopeless, except "Your way".

Straight out of the bottle is good for me tqt.

He's still at work, so who the hell knows.

-Caren