OZZIE, JL, CGAR - I need your help. I'm falling apart. I found out mid April that he had contact again. He happily moved out and has been with her. He is going on a back packing trip with her in a week and half. He's come to town and stayed with me and acted to happy and like we were still married. He's started IC and says he may have an "epiphany" and find that he really wants me - meanwhile he is in contact with her. I just couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't participate in this mess of degrading me. I filed last week and they said they would be serving him papers today between 4:00 and 5:00 - It's 5:45 and I have heard from the lawyer.....I've been going to IC myself and it helps some. Two weeks after he moved out my dad went into the hospital and my sister and I stayed there with him over night for three nights until he died. I'm losing everything and I can't stop my hands and heart from shaking. Sorry I am rambling but I can't stand this.
I stopped writing for a long time because I didn't know what to say - I wanted us to work it out. He told me that even though he said he had recommitted to me, he never really did. He said he just couldn't stop thinking about her. I'm in my fifties - he is almost 60. Why did this happen.
I've been alone now for two months and I still hurt. I go up and down and I still hurt. I did all the stuff the books said to do - all he could say was that four 8 months he knew I was really trying but that he thought I was losing myself and that it wouldn't last. He just wants to be with her. He wants to feel younger (he's working out all the time now so he can keep up with a younger woman). I don't want a liar back. I want the man I thought he was............I have been a fool. I am a very sad fool. He's a fool too. Why did this happen after 25 years of being together.
I did it. I filed and had him served. I ended it. I wish it would make him come out of the fog - but he won't. What's wrong with him. How long am I going to hurt like this?
For all you people who remember my postings in January - thank you for helping me. It just doesn't always work.
AUG12

AUG 12, Are you there? I'm not one of the people you called to, but can I help?

Oh thank you - Iv'e been waiting for someone to help me.
Please help. I am falling apart. He left today for her house - to stay for three nights and they they are going backpacking together in the Strawberry Mountains. He turned the tables on me when he got the papers and said he was going to do it any way. What is killing me so much is the images of him with her. Please tell me what to do. I can't stop crying.

I filed last week
Why?
How long were you in Plan B?

I wish it would make him come out of the fog - but he won't
Why are you worried about him coming out of the fog?
You filed so that means it doesn't matter if he wakes up or not, correct?

Plan B lasted 2 months - he continued to see her and tell me he wasn't going to stop but that he still wanted me too. He was waiting for what he called an "epiphany". Then he planned this vacation with her. He came to town (four hours away from me) for two days and we got along wonderfully but he kept saying he was still going to go away with her. He said he just liked everything about her.
I filed for D because I couldn't stand the pain of knowing my H of 25 years was with another woman - even though he said he loved me. I think I may have filed because I wanted to wake him up - it didn't work. Now he's with her. He says that for at least a year there is no hope for us and the D will go forward. After that, he says, he doesn't know what will happen. I couldn't stand the degregation of being held on a string while he had her and may never come back to me. It seems like a mid-life crisis but I don't know. I do know that I felt like the biggest fool wanting him so badly when he could hurt me so much and seem to feel no remorse. He believes he is doing the right thing. He has been in IC but has not told his therapist about "her" or how he did this to two other wives many years ago. Please don't ask me why I still want him - everyone asks me that. I want him because I always loved him and admired him - I hate the lies and the pain. I feel I am going crazy with the images in my head of this man I know so well with another woman.
He also took my wonderful dog with him. I need to heal and feel companionship again and will be getting a new puppy this coming weekend. I am hoping this will take my mind off of all my losses.
Maybe I jumped the gun on filing but what else could I do without losing all of my self-respect - should I have just let him have her until she grew tired of him or visa versa and then take what's left over. I didn't want to compete in a talent contest as to who could make him happiest. It seemed that the best place I could come in in such a contest was second - and in the case, second is last place.
Thank for responding. I do need advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
AUG12

Plan B lasted 2 months - he continued to see her and tell me he wasn't going to stop but that he still wanted me too. He was waiting for what he called an "epiphany". Then he planned this vacation with her. He came to town (four hours away from me) for two days and we got along wonderfully but he kept saying he was still going to go away with her. He said he just liked everything about her.
You were in Plan B. While in Plan B, you have nothing to do with the ws. How did you know all of this?

I filed for D because I couldn't stand the pain of knowing my H of 25 years was with another woman
A divorce won’t make the pain go away. It will simply end the marriage.

Please don't ask me why I still want him
Not gonna ask that because this is Marriage Builders. You should do what you can to save the marriage.

Maybe I jumped the gun on filing but what else could I do without losing all of my self-respect
Simple. You do Plan B. This is to help you gain back your self respect and to help “just get over it” (as the ws says.

I didn't want to compete in a talent contest as to who could make him happiest.
That is exactly why you do Plan B. It removes YOU from the situation. There is no contest.

Have you had any pro-marriage, marriage counseling?
Have you read “Surviving An Affair”? Read the links below.

This is a terrible time for you to endure. Our emotions have no logic or common sense. I understand you can't help still loving him. I hope you can just hang on, and get through each hour, each 20 minutes, and stay strong. If it helps, post here, even if you don't get a response.

I do understand the pain of being second choice, the humiliation. What else could you do, but to file? Not filing was a way of saying "anything you do to mistreat me is fine."

Please, find something nice to do for yourself, to take your mind off of the two of them. And focus on just getting through the next few minutes, hours, and days. Time will pass and you will feel better eventually.

Bellevue,
Thank you for understanding how awful I feel and for why I had to file. Sometimes I get the feeling from some posts that I did all the wrong things. I didn't read all the book Chris-CA123 suggested and I get the feeling now that it's my fault that all this is happening. My H and I did talk. He was telling me that he was getting IC and was hoping to find his way back to me but that wasn't the truth. I guess I should have read the book, not had contact with him, all of that, but everyone was telling me that I had to protect myself....after all, the day he moved out he removed 10K from our savings, opened a new account for himself and had his auto-deposit go into it. It all seemed like my friends were right. Yet , when we say each other or talked I believed what he said. I know I shouldn't have handled it the way I did. I was trying to be loving to him so he would love me again. Like I said, I was being a real fool. Maybe Chris-CA123 is right. I was starting to feel stronger but after some posts (not yours) I feel like I blew it.
I will do as you suggest: focus on getting through the next few minutes, hours, and days. Right now is the hardest time because he is with her. There is something so wierd and horrible to feel a man you know so well - his touch, smell, sound, presence - and see all of this huge piece of your world and identity next to another woman.
Thank you, again, Bellevue. I needed your comments. I need to stop hurting. I need to stop wishing I could vanish.

If I could be two things in one
A mighty wind and dust in the sun
Then I could solve all my problems today
For I'd just blow myself away.

I wrote the poem - but I will not act on it. I have a loving (very loving) sister and daughter and new puppy coming tomorrow.
AUG12

If you follow the MB plan, faithfully, it can help you. Posters who refer you to it are using their knowledge and experience from time on the Boards, from seeing successes. Chris's advice, about Plan B, is still valid. Even from the point of view that the marriage is over, it is valid. It protects you. And the Plan A part of MB, that is valid too. Not for winning him back right now. But for getting through the days.

If it helps you to take walks, do it. Carry a water bottle and head for the hills. Walking is excellent, and it gets the endorphins going. It takes no mental effort, which is good when your mind is swirling and you just want to give up and "blow away".

Plan B - well, that means you don't allow any contact. If they are in the mountains, he wouldn't be trying to reach you for awhile anyway. But be prepared and decided not to answer the phone, the door, or any mail he sends you. Put sticky tags on all your phones and block his calls from your cell. The sticky tags should say "Plan B" or another reminder not to talk if he calls.

That he took money out of your account and has his paychecks going into it clearly means he doesn't intend to come back. And he may not come back. Either way, you are precious and unique. Plan A and Plan B are your safety net.

Remember the statistics about affairs, affair based marriages, they are largely unsuccessful.

Wish I had more soothing balm for you. It really sucks. The good thing is, it eventually gets better.