I know for a fact they call each other on the cell phone (neither one of them has hidden that from me), I'm sure they e-mail each other with their work computers- they are co-workers and have cubicles near each other.

Guce -

Sorry, but I agree with Mel. I smell an affair. An emotional one at least. How sweet of his workmate to want to leave her husband and kids, after working all day, and babysit your kids.

And isn't it special how he confides in her about the problems in his marriage. In fact seems closer to her than his own wife.

Guce -

I work in contracting and engineering. All my life, I have worked with men, nothing but men. Over the years, I have had several confide in me about problems with their wives. You know what I told them? GET SOME MARITAL COUNSELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not a professional counselor.

If they confided again, I repeated the above message.

I never even dreamed of listening to their problems and babysitting their children.

I'm afraid you are too gullible, and are inviting the OW right into your home to be with your kids.

At the very LEAST, she has some boundary problems.

Who was the emotional affair with, guce?

I hate to sound like a tape recorder, but I, too, feel like your H is having a EA. The best scenario is that he may not be fully conscious of it, but that (unfortunately) is the best scenario. So, start looking at the lesser alternatives. Kind of scary, huh? I know. I was there not too long ago. Please learn from my mistakes.

Beating the same drum...

I'm a guy, OK, but I had to ask. Where was the babysitting done? I wouldn't recommend letting that woman babysit your kids - or be in your home. She's not your friend. She's your worst enemy.

That's just a gut reaction.

I hope we are all wrong about this.

Don't talk to her. Talk to your H.

-AD

Hi, guce.

Please listen to what these good folks are telling you. You need to hear them.

Please go to the book store later today and buy a book titled "NOT Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Read it in front of your husband and leave it out so that he can browse it when you aren't looking. Better yet, if the two of you can read it and discuss it together, that would be awesome. That book directly addresses the situation you find yourself in. The other books recommended to you are also excellent. I like this book for use when a couple is unsure just what constitutes friendship and where it crosses the line to affair. I think you will find that there are things that you need to know in this book, that directly relate to your situation.

All the best,
Gimble

Guce,

Even if this woman doesn't have any hidden motives with your H and is sincere in her efforts to help, she is STILL an enemy and danger to your M…

WHY?

Because:

1) She’s filling some very important EN’s for your H’s and filling his love bank.

2) Your H is already emotionally attached, attracted & depended on her and therefore at HUGE risk of "falling in love" with her (this will happen as soon as the amounts of love units in his love bank reaches the threshold and trigger romantic love for her).

I suspect the latter has already happened or started to happen. I think your H already have very inappropriate thoughts and feeling for her… That’s why he don’t feel “in love” with you. He is in the ‘fog’. It’s just a matter of time before your H will communicate his inappropriate thoughts & feelings to her if you allow this "friendship" to continue.

As you can see above, even if there is no EA going on at this stage, your H is already (and at least) involved in an inappropriate friendship with her… It IS very inappropriate for a man to discuss his marital problems with a opposite sex friend and doing this (discuss marital problems) is one of the components of an EA. So at least your H is partly involved in an EA already… And from personal experience I can tell you that an inappropriate friendship (or partly EA/near EA) can just be as damaging and dangerous to a M as a serious/intense/full-blown EA. WHY? Because the betrayal is all in the thoughts and feelings and very powerfull...

If this woman is a REAL friend of you, your H and this M, she will set up healthy boundaries with your H and discourage him to discuss his marital problems with her at ALL. In stead she will encourage both of you to seek Marriage Counselling together or at least NOT allow your H to discuss marital problems with her alone... This woman must be aware of your H’s unhealthy and inappropriate emotional attachment & dependency towards her, yet she continue to allow him to speak with her... Therefore I will be very doubtful of this woman’s REAL motives if I were you… She just seem too willing to help (even with the children) and too concerned about everything… And' she's too willing to be your H's 'counsellor' and 'confidant'.

Just my 2 c's...

Suzet

Thankyou all for your insight and I take all of it to heart. To answer MelodyLane, the EA was with a co-worker also (I know, I know you don't have to say it). But she did call me yesterday and tell me that she is not going to get in the middle of our M and will not let either one of us take advantage of her and ask what the other is saying about us. She said besides at this point he has expressed everything he feels. She said if it comes to that then she will say "you need to talk to him/her about it". She told me that I'm her friend seperately and my H's friend seperatly. She also told me that she has other male friends that are strictly platonic, she has asked me a few times if I'm ok with all of us being freinds. Just to be the devils advocate, is it possible for a man and women to be just freinds?

When ever I had brought up the fact that I thought he shouldn't be talking to her so much he would keep telling me very sternly that nothing is going on and I need to let it go. Yah he could be lying but if he's not I don't want to keep pushing him away by bringing up that fact that he shouldn't be talking to her about our M. I told him how you all feel and he said that all those opinions are bitter poeple who were left by thier spouses, he thinks this forum is onesided. But I told him alot of the responses were from the WS.

Things have gotton better in the last couple of days though. He has been talking to me more and feeling a little excitement with all the changes I have already started making. He is a little more affectionate with me and has brought up some thoughts about my surgery. He has fear in his voice about me looking too good afterwards, which is good because I get the feeling he is scared of what I may do with a new body. He joked about covering me up with a big sweater, I live in AZ and its 110 right now so thats kinda funny. So I can see a very small twinkle in his eye and I think I will just play it cool right now and see what happens. But I certainly am not going to be stupid and completely trust him at this point. There's always going to be that part of me that thinks the worst.

Oh I forgot to mention that the friend is looking for a new job because she isn't happy there. So maybe not being around her all the time will help our situation.

we shall see

"So maybe not being around her all the time will help our situation."

>It will also answer a lot of questions we're all wondering here too.

Please get this woman out of your marriage!!!

She need not be privy to ANY information about what is going on in your marriage, definately not from your H and not even from you. NONE.

You know what? Even if this "friendship" is completely on the up and up (which most of us here doubt, as do you or you wouldn't be here, right?) then the worst thing that will happen is that you have made a move to protect your marriage.

So how do I tell my H how I feel without making him shut me out like before, when I even hint about the subject he gets angry with me. I don't want to push him towards her more. Do I give him an unltimatum and say you can't talk to her about our M anymore? Because he will have more resentment towards me if I say he is not to even speak with her and we will never make headway. He is just starting to feel progress with working it out and I don't want to loose ground.

I'm going to call a MC today and set up something, maybe if I get confermation from a professional he will be more receptive.

Every WS resents having to give up the affair. It's just something you have to push through. I wasn't able to do it. Here's hope you can.

-AD

Personally I don’t believe in close opposite sex friendships anymore… I think it’s best for married people to completely stay away from such types of friendships - simply because this is one of the best ways to “safeguard a M” and “keep temptation at arms length”.

To come back to your question: Yes, it might be possible for a man and women to just be friends, BUT something to keep in mind with such friendships is that the element of opposite sex attraction will always exist and be a possibility between a man and a women…especially if the friends begin to share personal & intimate problems and have personal discussions like marital problems etc. This type of discussions cross boundaries; builds emotional intimacy & attachment between friends; deposits love units in love banks and make the element & possibility of opposite sex attraction more intrinsic and a danger to a M. And usually in a friendship like this, a man start to feel attracted to the women first. Sometimes I also get the impression (from what I’ve read, hear and see) that in general, it’s more possible for women to “just stay friends” than for men.

In her book ”Not Just Friends”, Shirley Glass says that ”The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,''. Find the full article (and other information) on this thread and also try to get hold of the book ”Not Just friends”. Read the book and let the book lie around in the house for your H to see.

Tell your H one of the people who responded to you is from a FWW (me) who wish she had all the knowledge and information in the articles and book before she allowed herself to get involved in an opposite sex friendship… Tell him this website was a lifesaver to me and help prevented me from becoming involved in a full-blown EA.

Suzet