Ok here it goes again,
Actual DDay was a little over a month ago, sort of DDay was 6 months ago. Found out about WH internet chatting, he denied any PA at that time in Nov. but in my heart I knew the PA was happening. In Nov. the OW called my work to tell me she loved my WH and to check out the website, so of course I did and found his profile, etc. Then in May the OW friend called to tell me my WH did have a PA and gave me some details, names etc. I confronted him and he finally admitted to the A after lying about it 3 times in an hour. He stated it was over in Nov, and had NC since then. I found this site then and posted in JFO.
I have lost all of myself in this. I have read Surviving the affair, and love busters. I have His needs her needs and building romantic love here also but have not read them yet. I have read this entire internet forum here and also all the bigger posts here and even some of the others.
I told my WH a month ago, he could be here, I would fill his EN, even give us 4 years to do this with no guarentees. We have 4 teenagers and they love thier dad. During the entire A neither they or I had any idea. He was and has been a great father to them. We talked with them before he came back home and they wanted him back, so I agreed.
Here is the problem. I have not cheated on him, I did not cause the pain of the A. I am guilty of not knowing how to show love at times and not being able to at other times. I have alot of baggage from my childhood that is too long to explain here, but sexual abuse, rape, no touch or love from my mother except physical abuse to the point of broken bones and vomiting blood. So with all of these pains, as Dr. H states the A was ten times worse. But I have put 110% into meeting his needs (including the sex) and he states it has been wonderful. However he is not meeting any of mine. We did the EN questionaire and he knows what my needs are, but still not meeting them. I really thought I could do the 4 years and then just walk away. I do not think I can do this and still do plan A.
I am angry because I have put all my energy into meeting his needs, yet get nothing in return. He tells me he has a hard time with conversation, and the truth never fully comes out like he is protecting the OW, and even this month he has been more distant from the children, unless I push the issue by saying "lets all go to the movies" or "lets go to the beach next week". I have to take all the action, he does nothing. He has been reading Surviving the affair for a little over 2 weeks now and is not even half way through it. But he has read half of Bill Clintons book. I now know I want more. I want to be happy and not just sit around waiting for him to decide to do this. I want more out of life and I want a better marriage than we had before.
Am I wrong, am I expecting too much? I am so angry all the time and yet keep doing for him. I told him a few things and he was shocked. He thought that I was happy with him as he is with me. I will not lie to him and tell him that all is well. He says that hurts him when I tell him the truth, I am very respectful and do not blame him, but he asked if I love him. I do love him, as my childrens father, but not as a husband, lover, soulmate, best friend anymore.
Any advice on this? Will I ever feel true love from him again? If so, how do I get there? How do I stop the visions in my mind that plague me?
