New to post--have been reading books and discussion info for months. Having problems with spouse(he-44, me-41) of 15 yrs--together 18, 2 boys (7 & 11). Big blow-up in April, have been working on building up love bank account, trying to understand and deal with my anger issues. Read hn/hn and both did needs questionnaire--me willingly and him reluctantly. Found out last night after finding questionable receipts H has been having PA since Nov. with co-worker--started out just talking and led to physical intimacy. She even sat at the same table as us at the work Christmas party! Both in military. We are moving to another state in 2 wks--my hometown/where we met and married. Told H last night to call OW and end things--no contact besides work, no calls, no emails. H says the A wasn't constant, they were apart and then back together and had no future plans. I understand his straying was my fault as well; was kind of relieved to have it all out, but heartbroken, nonetheless. He was agreeable to my terms about OW--I had to leave house to see a friend because was too emotional and when returned H says had called OW and told her I knew and he wanted to work on his M and they were over. Told him last noc he didn't have to leave or sleep on couch--no more staying on couch all night like has done previously.(Besides, he has pre-packing and work to do with movers coming on Mon!) Now that it's out (and I buy "Surviving an A") do I just continue to try and build up my love bank--how can you balance this day to day with the hurt/pain? Any advice for surviving our packing/moving stress? We will be seeing his and my family soon; mine is aware of some issues but will not be telling them this one. Does anyone recover from this without seeing a MC or do you think it should be a deal breaker? I have wonderful friends in my home state that have been through this and steered me here. Guess I shouldn't have demanded his calling the OW (according to posts I read later here last noc).--Sorry this is all over the place but my head is spinning! Thanks for any input!!

Hi,

You are doing better than many at this point, so good for you!

I don't think it was bad to ask for the NC call; I did this, too. Just do not expect that it will necessarily hold right away. My FWH called XOW on Dday to end things with her, but he was unable to maintain NC at first. It took 4 months before he was finally able to write a real NC letter and stick with it. We are at nearly 10 months of NC now.

I do not think MC is absolutely essential, but it does help. It can also hurt things, if the MC is not truly "Pro-M".

Keep reading this site and your books. Keep the communication going with your H. Keep checking cell phone records and e-mail to make sure NC is in place.

Good luck.

Thanks for the support. My H was invited to a going-away dinner tonight at a co-worker's(his last day at work is Fri) and I made arrangements for a sitter to watch the kids and called and told him I would be attending with him--had told him last noc that if he went, OW could not be there. He said ok (can't tell if he's angry that I just decided this and didn't discuss it before making arrangements).
I appreciate the info about cell and email records--will change email once we move but she will still have access to him via work email. We were going to keep our cell #s but I will make sure that gets changed. I know both he and I have no control over her actions but am hoping my presence at this dinner and his official going-away on Fri will help re-inforce I'm here to stay. I haven't been to many of his work functions because they are expensive, need sitters (no family in NM), etc. Will have family support after move so will be more involved in his work life.
Do you think his writing a lette would be a good idea now or should it wait to see if there is further contact?
Thanks so much for sharing your info with me; this site can give lots of hope!

Has your dh sent a nc letter? Is the OW married? Have you notified her spouse?

My dh was active duty in NM, where we were seemd to be a breeding place for A's.

One thing you have going for you is you guys are PCS'ing so they will be apart.

Have you talked about what caused the A? A recovery plan to ensure it doesn't happen again?