This is kind of funny. Two nights ago, WW came home from work (about 1:00AM) I was asleep on the couch. She woke me up, I heated up some left overs for her. We watched a little TV.

Bedtime came around and I told her that I moved the kids back to their beds, and there was no reason that one of us should have to sleep on the couch. We were both very tired and might as well sleep in our own bed. She protested, said she should sleep on the couch, but was too tired too fight about it.

So we slept in bed together for only the second time since d-day. It was nice for me. I got to rub her head until she went to sleep like the old days. I got to pretend, for a moment, that things were happy.

The next day I got up went to work, when I got home we were in our room, she said that that was not a good idea it was "confusing" to her. I actually laughed. I said that it sounded funny to me that sleeping next to her husband was "confusing". I told her I would rather her be confused than determined that she didn't enjoy sleeping there. She said that it was like the day about a week after d-day when we were cooking together and I came up behind her put my arms around her and kissed her on the neck, she said that it felt "routine". I said "Do you really believe anything in the last few weeks has been routine. It doesn't confuse me at all. But maybe that because I know that I'm still in love with you."

She also said that we shouldn't let touching be influencing our decisions. I said that I felt touching is one of many things that should be helping us (her) decide.

We are supposed to have some time to have a long talk tonight. She has been avoiding it, and I haven't forced it. We shall see. Am I doing OK so far? Isn't her "confusion" what I am trying to create?

Yes, her confusion is EXACTLY what you're trying to create. And what she's trying to do is to keep it from working. You might gently point out to her that if this IS confusing to her, then she should consider that as something she really needs to understand...if she's confused, that means that there is still hope for the two of you. If she's confused, then she really DOES need to think again about what her plans are...at least that was MY method. Watch for advice from the more experienced MB'ers here.

I'm not sure I would go so far as to spell it out as Owl suggested, but use your gut instinct.

My reasoning is based on the fact that your speaking of love is kind of overkill especially because it could backfire. Part of Plan A is avoiding talking of the M relationship and particularly saying the L word, because that can create a dialog in her head that goes like this:

you: I'm still in love with you.
she thinks: but I'm not in love with you.

this type of unspoken dialog provides her a reinforcement that she must want to leave.

It is great that she was not overtly rejecting of your touches. Just be careful with that.

Read the thread on Plan A. It is really full of good information and tips.

I wouldn't call it overkill. I don't say "I love you" all of the time, I don't touch her all of the time. Just an occasional moment, once every couple of days, when it feels right.

I try to communicate my love to her in many different ways, mostly by action. Physical and verbal displays are just two of several tools at my disposal. If used carefully, I think they can be effective.

I think she tries to convince herself that she has no feelings left for me. Hence the confusion. I think she might be thinking "I didn't think I still had anything for him, but I feel good when he touches me or sleeps next to me, now I am confused." Wishful thinking? Perhaps, but it helps me remain positive.

I'm confused
I'm not sure
I don't know

All stalling tactics. She's not ready to share whats honestly on her mind right now. Truth causes more hurt. Maybe she's tired of always being responsible for hurting you.

She tells you she doesn't want to sleep with you. Uses the word "confusing"...then you laugh at her. Not the best move in my opinion.

I said the same things to my XBS, and what I really meant was "I cringe when you touch me, I want you to leave me alone" but to honestly say that to him would have hurt him deeply, and I was sick to death of constantly being his source of pain. Letting him hug me, or sleep next to me was easier that being honest, even though it made me ill.

I'd be cautious in thinking that she's really confused. And I'd be careful in smothering her. If she tells you she doesn't want to sleep with you, don't laugh at her. It reinforces that you "don't get it."

Lexxxy,
Thank you for your reply. I guess I didn't look at it that way. I guess I will know more after our talk tonight. She is the one who said we need to have one. I have been saying that for days, but this one is her idea, so maybe it will happen.

Since it's "confusing" to her and hshe doesn't knwo what to do, you need to make it less "confusing" and eliminate all LoveBusters so you are not the one to "unconfuse" her.

Frankly, as a FWS, I think you're doing the exactly right thing to get her back. The "confusion" that my H created when I was in the fog was perhaps one of the biggest reasons why I returned. Great work, DKM!!!

The way I see it, she has changed from a state of wanting to leave at all costs to this state of confusion. She even said she "had no hope" for our marriage. She doesn't talk like that anymore.

The dust is starting to settle and she is starting to notice that she still has feelings from me. I understand that this doesn't mean she is running back to me with open arms, but I did take it as a sign that what I am doing is starting to working and the fog may have lifted ever so slightly, and nothing permanent. But it seems I am on the right path.

The other night, she was out with her freind, the one that was helping her cheat on me a month ago. They had car trouble and drove to my house to let me have a look (WW has always been proud of my technical abilities). She said that after I left, her friend started saying how she never really noticed how hot I was. WW actually started to get jealous! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

This friend is starting to tell her not to leave me. WW is telling me how she is constantly on her a$$ about how great I have been through all of this and she would be stupid to leave.

That last bit was kind of a ramble.. sorry.

Bonus! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, did I happen to mention that one of the biggest [email]reality-kick-in-the-@ss[/email] for me was when I found out that after we decided on a D, my H had scheduled a date? That turned me around REAL quick. Now, I'm not suggesting that you do this, but jealousy can really pour some cold water on a woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I think confused is a good thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's definitely better than hell bent it's over.

-Caren