My story was posted on here some time ago...but I have a question I hope that the betrayed spouses can shed light on. I have told my husband everything there is to tell him regarding the EA and one night stand that I had with 'our' best friend. I have answered his questions to the best of my ability and in all honesty. D-day was 1/1/05...with the last of the story being told on 4/15/05. He told his sister last Sunday that everything was the same as its always been and that we never talk about 'it'. I am shaken because I thought that I was trying very hard to share myself emotionally with him (as we never had a problem with the physical aspect)...I have been more open and affectionate as that is what he wants. I try to spend time with him..we have a busy family life with one son graduating high school, middle son busy with many sports, and a 5 yr old getting ready for Kindergarten. I am not sure what it is that he wants to talk about with regard to the A. I said to him that if he still has questions or wants more information, he has to let me know what he wants....I am not sure how to just bring it up when we are dealing with life ona daily basis... In my eyes, there isn't anything left to talk about, but after reading many of the posts here, there are always things that the BS wants to talk about but I don't know what that is? Can someone or many ones ...elaborate on that. How do I just bring up the topic and what is it that I am supposed to be talking about? Does anyone understand what I mean? I am truly sorry about the A, I was in the FOG big time, the OM is M also, but he was separated from his W and living at our home because our entire families were best friends. That is all completely ruined now and I hurt very much because of that...as does my husband. I want to do whatever it takes to make this right...he doesn't get online for anything so its hard to send him to this site to read things. I printed off Josephs letter yesterday to bring home, but he is also not a very good reader. I could read it to him...I have asked him what it is he wants to talk about with regard to the A and he really doesn't have any answers. I told him that I was floored that he didn't think I had been trying to make things better...and he had no response to that either. I hope that someone can help me. Thank you for your assistance. I will also post this on the GQII section as I know most of you say to put it there also.

Monettey66
It is possible your husband is seeking sympathy and comfort from his sister. Doing so he may feel will ease the pain he is feeling at this moment. Does that mean he does not find comfort from you? Possibly, but unlikely! He could have became overwhelmed by your affair, your actions and responses afterward, and is just seeking comfort elsewhere where he feels comfortable or may find comfort and support. Being a BS I can testify that unconditional comfort and support is needed to help dress the gaping wounds created by the affair. He may still need this to help scab over. At this point it may be best to support him saying something such as, "Honey I know I really hurt you bad but I want to be a major part of helping you heal from my terrible mistake! I Love you very much and always have even though my actions did not show you that. If you need to have others help you heal then thats OK but please let me be there to help the man I truly love!"

SM

Monettey,

Perhaps what your husband needs is to talk about the feelings and emotions behind what happened, not just what happened. Not only did you betray him, but so did his best friend. That wound is going to run deep for a very long time and he needs to tell you how wounded he feels all the time.

Screw the facts, they are not important anymore. Ask him how he FEELS. Be prepared for brutal honesty. Then tell him how you feel. How you love him and are grieving the loss of your marriage, done by you. Share your feelings as much as possible.

MC is good at doing that. My H was the WH, but he has had to learn how to tell me how sorry he is and express his love verbally. I'm sure your H wants to talk about feelings.

Good luck. 2

i wish more ws would come here they might learn something. right now he needs your support and needs to express his feelings. it is a hard thing for a guy to accept his women with his bestfriend. its going to take time. wish i could turn my ws train around but he's on a collision coarse and i can't turn him so he's just going to crash. good luck and be patient

I know from my own point of view (as a BS) that having the 'facts' is not enough. I know what they did, the names they used for each other, what they did sexually, where they went, their code words for 'love'...it's not enough. I wasn't there. It feels like my H was living in a parallel universe. I want to know the 'story' as he would have told it to a detached person i.e. how it started, when he fell for her, where he thought it was going to, why he was able to justify it, what he told himself when he felt guilt, what he felt when he spent the afternoon with her, then came home to look at me etc etc. Unfortunately, these are the things he plays down or can't tell me. The problem is that the story doesn't 'fit' then. It is not enough to say you were in a 'fog'. What does this mean? Does it mean that you were so enamoured with the OM that your H didn't matter. Did you think it was OK if you didn't get caught?

At the end of the day I am starting to see that there are some things I will never learn. Probably if my H told me the real truth they would be too hurtful. This is hard to take, the person I though I was closest to, having this life I know nothing about.

Can you start by writing stuff down for your H to read? How about starting with an apology for what you've done - not just I'm sorry, but listing the things you are sorry for.

monettey..i agree with joanna, that there needs to be more WS's contributing to this forum.. maybe then it'll shed at least a little bit of light on what's going through the WS's head before, during, and after and EA. My WS is 5 weeks into one with a woman that he was with over 20 yrs ago when they were teenagers. I don't know if you thought you were "in love" with the OM..or if you told your BS that you "loved him, but wasn't IN love with him" as mine my WS told me. But i'd like to hear from more WS, on what they were going through, the emotions, thought processes, anything to understand WHY!! I've been told this can go on for months, and i'm afraid that the long it goes on, the deeper in love he'll be with her

Always and Lost - You both have said some really good things...and I want to try to respond to you. My entire family was best friends with the OMs entire family. We have been that way for almost 9 years. We ruined everything. The OM and I always had a special bond because of sexual abuse we both survived in our childhood. We would talk about our feelings, our thoughts, etc...and always how they related back to what happened to us. We 'understood' each other in a way that no one else really did. I am a heavy person, always have been, my husband was my only boyfriend from when I was 14...boys never liked me because I was big, etc. I always tend to be flirty with certain guys, and nothing like this has ever happened before. The OM and I would always flirt with each other, he was full of flattery, always understanding, all the things that just made me feel so incredible every time I was near him. When things would start to get heated...we would just cool off and not go any further...actually it almost seemed like the families wouldn't see each other for a while...and then we would all get back together...and for the two of us - it seemed like the attraction was getting stronger and stronger. I should have realized what I was doing by playing with fire...but I just felt so incredible. I have always had low self esteem and not really thought that I was much of anything. I actually was walking around on cloud 9 for a long time. In any case, we spent time apart again...I had embarked on a weightloss journey through Weight Watchers and lost approx. 70 lbs...by June/July last year. And each time I got down more, he would have some very HOT comment and I just couldnt' get enough. Mind you , that my husband and I have always had an incredible physical relationship and it just gotten better and better over the last 24 yrs. My husband would tell me I look good and he's proud of me etc...but it didn't do anything to me like OM's comments. The more I lost the hotter the comments got. In any case, OM and his wife have been having problems for the last couple of years (since he got fired from a long term position)...and they sort of just managed to get by...if you will. Husband was always around when I talked with OM and he knew what we talked about and commented on the bond that we had. But in a good way. OM talked about writing a book about his life...and wanted me to collaborate with him...I told husband about this and he thought it would be a good idea. So we started writing stuff - we came up with topics and he would write his part...and then I would write my part. Sort of like a his and hers sides of sexual abuse as children and how it affects our thoughts and feelings today on verious topics. So we would meet and exchange our stories...and then before you know it I started writing to him...knowing that he was reading it and not sharing it with anyone else. DUring this time, I could no longer sleep, I wasn't eating any more and my weight loss was incredible...I was feeling very on top of the mountain, laughing, feeling like I was living again...I started a journal in which I recorded all of the feelings I had everyday...and especially when I was with him or after I talked with him. Time seemed to stop when he would call...the world will no longer be moving as it was just us. Its now November and we were at his house alone - I told my first lie to go over there because I knew he was home alone...and at this point I wanted him physically more than I have ever wanted anything. I felt like I was in love with him....euphoria I think. We started talking and he always said we just can't do this, its not right, your family, my family, I don't want to be the cause of your marriage breaking up, etc....so he says C'mere I want to show you something. And I being as naive as I am, followed him into his dining room. Next thing I know he grabs me in to his arms and kisses me like I've never been kissed before. The first thing he says afterwards ( because his wife had just pulled up ) is "that was supposed to SCARE YOU into realizing we can't do this...but instead, it just makes me want to do it all the more. You are so full of passion."...Two days later, he calls and asks me if he can stay at our house for a while because they are breaking up. Now you should know that his wife had been telling me that this was a possibility for the last year...and in Feb 04 he did stay with us for two days and then went back home. He was sleeping on the couch at home and there was no relationship at that point....so when he said he had to go again, it had nothing to do with me. My husband was kind of against it...but then he is also a caring helpful person and as long as it would not be too long, he agreed to letting him stay with us. At first, this guy was totally whipped out, doing wierd stuff while sleeping, sleepwalking, etc. and he said it was because of the stress he was under. He was sad about his family, and missed his kids. This was his 2nd marriage also. He cried and cried and I was there to help him... I wanted to help him and felt that I was being a true friend. We didn't talk about "US" for sometime...I'll have to finish this story in a bit as I need to get back to work...

monettey...i guess what i'm looking for is some assurance that there's a possibility he'll come to his senses. My husband and i have had a great marriage..but an accident had him laid up for months and the bills piled up and he got extremely depressed..the week he left he started drinking heavily and went to see his ex g/f that he was with over 20 yrs ago (he and i have been together 21 yrs)..over a week ago he started coming around and yes..stupid as it was..i let him into my bed...then he went crawling back to her. She told him he couldn't come over here anymore..but i told him the kids need to see him, and he HAS to be here to visit with them..he came over once since then..and stayed only about 2 hrs..that was 3 days ago...they feel like he's choosing her over them..and by the looks of it..he is..he even told me the other day that he never saw this A coming, it just happened..i'm scared he'll never leave her and i'm angry he's treating the kids like this

Hello,

I just think this is so heartbreaking for your husband. He was always with you whether fat or thin. I am assuming that you had sex with the OM in your home which would make it a triple betrayal for your husband because it was a man, a friend and in your home. It sounds like your husband loves you very much to accept such pain. How do you think you would have reacted if the roles had been reversed? I think you are very lucky to have such a husband. I wish you luck.

Bryan-
Actually, I did not have sex with the OM in my home. It was bad enough that I went as far as I did, but I did not even kiss him in my home. We rode to work together every day since he went right by work and it was convenient and gas saving ...

You are absolutely correct. My husband has been with me with through fat and thin...and I owe him a lot for his love and support. What I did was incredibly selfish....SELFISH. Thats the bottom line. I DID NOT think about anyone or anything because I was so caught up in the feelings that I was experienceing at that time. I didn't get the chance to finish the story...but I will.

My husband has been trying for many many years to help me with my weight struggle but never once did he push me away because of it.

I am doing my best to try to work on my faults...I am starting IC next week and as soon as we can work in the MC we will. In the meantime, I am trying to meet the needs that he has expressed - and he seems to be doing okay. I stop him and ask - how are you ??? and I make sure to tell him that I am sorry I hurt him and that I love him very much. I try to show him as much as possible...The issue is getting him to go to counseling so that he can meet my emotional needs also. He is extremely stubborn, its his way or no way...and I have a hard time with that...especially where it concerns the kids...and thats where we have the most of our disagreeements. I do not understand why I couldn't be so happy being thin and having him enjoy it...as he has waited for that moment for a long time...that is why I need to go to IC. Thank you for your comments...as they are truly understood.

I am extremely sorry for what I have done and the hurt I have caused him and the rest of our family. How do I explain to my 5 year old that grew up calling them aunt/uncle and cousins...that we can no longer visit them nor they us???? Our sons that grew up together from kindergarten and just ended 9th grade...are no longer friends. Problem is - OM and wife reconciled in March and moved back in together...and then told there children that OM and I had an affair. So to them it looks as if I broke them up when I didn't have anything to do with it...as they were having MANY problems before the US even started. My husband and I decided that our children did not need to know the details. I sometimes waiver back and forth on that as I would rather the kids hear it from us rather than the OMs children...but husband still says they shouldn't know. He doesn't want them to lose respect for me. Yes, I know....he does love me very much and what I did, I owe him big time! I have owned up to my responsibility is this A, and will do what I need to to pull my marriage back together.

Hello,

I disagree. I think you should explain it to your children since they have already heard it or will hear it from the OM's children. I guarantee you that he is putting a spin on it to make you look very bad. By not saying anything you send the message that the OM's version is correct. Am I wrong?

Oh no..you are absolutely correct. I already know just from what he told my husband...that it was all me and I so ravagely attacked him...etc etc...he isn't owning up to anything at all with regard to this A...I am the worlds worst person ever as the way he is putting it to everyone and I NEED serious help. I agree that the kids should be told. I would rather they hear it from me...and their father and know that we are doing our best to work towards our future together than to hear the OM side of the story. I also want so bad to write a letter to his wife to explain my side... Her entire family has taken to hating me as if this entire thing is my fault. If we could get to counseling and I could get my husband to understand my viewpoint of telling the kids - I want him to agree to tell them - I just don't want to do it without his blessing...does that make sense! What do you suggest???

Hello again,

I guess you now see the true character of the OM in comparison with your husband. It is clear that he is trying to save his behind at the expense of thrashing and destroying your reputation in front of your friends and family. What a slimeboy but it is not unexpected.

These are some of my suggestions for your consideration:
1) I would certainly write a letter to his wife explaining everything and showing that it takes two to tango. She may or may not accept this but at least she has had the opportunity to view your position. By doing nothing all she sees is his side. The bottom line is that you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain if she stops demeaning you in front of your friends and family.

2) Your husband is making a terrible mistake by waiting to talk to the children. I think time is of the essence. Your children will have to have knowledge in order to respond to the rumors and stories that will occur. Ideally you will tell your children that you did something with the OM once that should only be done with your father and how terribly sorry you are and how much you love your husband and your family and so forth. This way the kids will know how to respond when this gets out. By doing nothing the kids will hear only one side and deem it as the truth and will end up disrespecting you (which your husband fears) far more than if you had discussed it with them beforehand. I believe your husband and you should be a team in this but if your husband refuses then I would do it anyway since time is of the essence. Your husband is wrong and it will end up hurting all of you much worse if it is done sooner rather than later. This is just my opinion and I wish you the best.

Thank you Bryan for all of your advice. I am going to talk with my husband again this weekend and explain to him ...that we need to do this now rather than later...
I will also write that letter....There are no guarantees that she will read the letter...she may not even open it up...but at least I can say I tried...which is a lot more than he or anyone else is doing...and Yes..you are right about the true character of the OM. I have read the HNHN book and am working on the Surviving an Affair...and I see myself in many of the stories that are told and I understand much better how I reacted to this thing. I Thank you once again.
PS. My middle sons name is Bryan spelled the same as yours also.

Hello,

I wish you the best. I think you are making the right decisions for the right reasons. Happy 4th.

Monettey,

You originally ask what you can do to help your H. I have some suggestion but then I thought I would send you over to a thread that just might help you see things a bit differently. The posters are a husband and wife, Myrta and Stanley. Click on the bookmark I have made Myrta

I am sending you to Myrta's thread because these two have posted here for a long time and she finally started to see what recovery is all about. You can do a search on her name or user number and find all of their posts there are many.

Also in the recovery section there is a woman call GentleSoul, also a FWW (former WW) and I think her thoughts on your situation would be very beneficial to you.

My take on your original post is that your H doesn't know what to feel or do. He has supported you for years, he has loved you for years, and when you decide to change and become happy you betray him. What is he to think? What is he to ask you? You already said the sex was like nothing you had felt before, how does he compete with that? Further, he lost a close friend and family that he trusted. What does he ask about there?

You are going to have to take the lead on this although it will seem much easier for you to "let sleeping dogs lay", it is not in your best interests.

I agree with others the children need to be told, but here is a problem you probably have not considered. You have a teenage son, if there is one person your H wants to look up to him it is his children and for sure his son. Telling your children that YOU had an affair is telling them that their father failed has a man and a husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Think about this very carefully. I am not saying they should not be told, but what you don't understand is that most BS's view an affair as THEIR failure as a spouse. The BS's self-esteem takes a real hit and frankly you have done little to rebuild that yet.

So when talking to your H about telling your children YOU need to be aware that your H is very likely to think that this knowledge will diminish his children's view of him as a man. AFter all what should a "real" man do with cheating W? Throw her out, right? Well, you know and I now that is not true, and further it takes much more strength to stay than to throw her out. But, kids don't see things that way, and neither do immature adults, otherwise more marriages would be saved.

So my point here is that you need a strategy and a plan and it needs to include your H's input as well as a counselor or clergyman, but you MUST be sensitive to the fact that while you feel guilt for your decisions, it is your H that feels like a failure.

All of this can be worked through, but it is not as easy as just saying well "Mom had an affair, Dad forgave her and all is right with the world." It is a bit more complicated than that.

You once asked what you could do to help your H and one of them is to help him regain his self respect and esteem just as he must help you. That is why I pointed you toward Myrta's thread because finally she is understanding the power she has to heal her marriage and her H, but it has taken over a year.

Finally, you mentioned an April date. What happened on that date? Is that the day your H found out? IF so he is very early into this and you will see a variety of reactions and emotions from him in the coming months. Don't let him withdraw, engage him, and discuss the future with him, and what he means to you. I hope you realize that telling him you "always" loved him even during the affair is going to sound very very lame.

Must go, but I hope I have offered you a few things to think about.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL:
Thank your for your response, I appreciate the time you took to give my your insight and pointing me to another location also. I needed to comment on a few things of great importance!



[color:"blue"]I have never said this to him nor have I written it here. I had sex with the OM once and it was the most horrible experience.[/color]

My husband and I have an incredible physical relationship that has gotten better and better over the years and the A was never about sex. My husband and I were both the first for each other, we have never before this A, had any type of relations with any other person.



[color:"blue"] I am not quite sure what to do - what you say makes so much sense. Husband is afraid they will lose respect for me and thats why he doesn't want to tell them. And you are right, he initially thought it was all his fault and he should have seen it coming, etc. I repeatedly let him know that it wasn't his fault and I explain why it wasn't and my head was so far up the OM's ??? that I wouldn't have listened to husband if he tried to make me do anything different than I was. [/color]




[color:"blue"] We will try to work through this with the MC. [/color]



[color:"blue"] Dday was 1/1/05 / full disclosure was in April. There was still one thing that I didn't tell him about because in my eyes NOTHING happened...so why make things worse. This was before I really got into this site and read some of the books. Also, the MC said (because I told her this one item) that we couldn't continue until I came fully clean with my husband. The item was this: I as in ME drove OM and myself to a hotel to try to have sex once more to see if it could be MUCH different than the one time we did. Instead the OM was unable to perform and we ended up leaving and going home. He moved out the next day. Husbands response to this was 'He felt he owed the OM an apology because he OM said it was all my fault that he was unable to stop my advances etc.....and now husband believes that because I am the one who drove us to the hotel.[/color]



[color:"blue"] Thats probably true...but I say it anyways because it is true... [/color]


Thanks again for all of your words, I will go to read Myrtas thread and some of the others that you mentioned. Please feel free to respond again.

Hi all. I'm brand new to this board, and fairly new to being a betrayed spouse.

My story is somewhat long and convoluted, and I may post it at length later. I've known for almost 3 weeks that my wife was having an affair, that she was fantasizing would lead to a new life with him, as well as sleeping with several other men.

One week ago, I learned that although she told me the affair was over and never actually led to sex with the fellow was over, it had restarted and was rapidly leading her to choose him over me. I decided to take fairly drastic measures and was able to stop the affair on Tuesday of this week. (I'm sure the affair is over because I know how to monitor all of my wife's forms of communication, and the other guy is a public employee who will lose his job for using the computer at his job to carry on the affair... and I let him know that I had learned all the right people in his chain of command to contact to end his career.)

On Wednesday, my wife finally admitted everything to me. Because I'd been monitoring her communications for a little while, I knew most of it, but she admitted that she had actually had sex with the fellow.

I don't know why I went into as much detail here with that, but I wanted to respond to the original post with some of the things I've learned:

First, when I learned my marraige was near failure about 4 weeks ago, I became suicidal with depression and spent the next 2.5 weeks in an out-patient psychiatric hospital program. I also learned that I'd been suffering a low-level but increasingly severe depression for more than half of my life since I had first gotten cancer as a teenager.

Beth, I can almost guarantee that your husband is in the middle of a fairly severe depression. It may only be a situational depression that's understandable, but if he's been in it for 2 months already, he needs professional help.

The other posters are correct, that what your husband wants/needs to hear is what's under the surface. The details of the events of the affair are almost irrelevant.

I disagree with the other posters... maybe that's because I'm a betrayed husband, but I don't ever plan on letting my kids know. However, if they EVER do find out, it'll be after YEARS of a thriving marriage after we recover from the affair. If my kids learn anything of the affair, I want them to learn FROM the affair that it's not the end of a marriage, necessarily, that marriages are more than sex, that their parents are only human and humans make mistakes, but that mistakes can be forgiven, and that true love can survive the deepest of pain. I don't see any advantage in telling the children, just so that they will know. There is, in my opinion, no reason, and no excuse for burdening them with your problem. I agree with the policy of radical honesty, but that, in my mind only applies to one's spouse, and not to the kids.

I guess what's kind of strange about my situation is that, because I've just been through and am still being treated for depression, I can empathize with my wife, and right now I'm the one who's helping carry her. She's broken from several aspects of this, and tormented that even though she knows what she did was wrong, that the other guy didn't really love her, and that what she did went against everything she believes, she still isn't feeling the guilt she thinks she deserves.

Now that I'm finally being treated for the depression that has been my life for over 16 years, I'm finally able to see how much I've starved and abused her affection and care for me... not out of malice, but ignorance and the fact that I simply didn't have the emotional support to give to her that she needed.

I feel guilty for the years of emotional starvation that I forced on her. I feel pity for her because I see her actions as a continuation of a self-destructive pattern that she lived as a teenager, before we met, and I know that she is hurting so deeply that it's virtually impossible for her to feel sorry for having let herself feel loved until the changes I've made, and new capacity to provide the emotional support she needs I have recently begun to develop overcome enough of the scars on her heart for her to start to feel loved by me.

I appologize for rambling... The thought I wanted to share with all that is simply that not only does your husband need help with his depression, but he also needs to come to grips with his guilt for whatever his role was in leaving you vulnerable to temptation. He needs to be able to look beyond his pain, and until he does, he won't be able to help you.

Obviously you feel remorse for what you did. In my mind, that's good. Now, I believe you need to let your husband regain his place by letting him know as he reclaims the part of your heart that was open to temptation. The intimacy of the communication you had with the other man may be an area that your husband needs to develop in his relationship with you.

Me, I've learned that I need to devote more energy into helping with housework so that my wife doesn't feel like a slave. She serves out of love, and feels taken advantage of if others don't also love enough to serve her. I just didn't get that. Her lover had told a sob-story of an ungrateful former wife whom he had sereved selflessly for years... and my wife wanted someone who cared enough to take care of her.

I don't know how to solve your problem... But I do know you need to be very sensitive to your husband's ego. He needs to be admired and respected by you and ne needs to see himself as competent. That means HE has a NEED to play an active role in your marriage's recovery, and without the deep reasons... without knowing who you really are beneath the surface, he's lost and unable to even approach the task.

Love him enough to let him be a man for you. Surrender yourself completely to him. Don't condescend and say he's too weak to know something, or he doesn't need to know something... You're disrespecting him and beating him down emotionally when you do that.

That's my two cents worth. Good luck to you. I have hope for my marriage, because I know that God's not letting me stop loving my wife, so I know that one way or another we're going to end up with a good marriage now that she's abandoned her affair and dedicated herself to our marriage.

monettey,

First let me apologize for misquoting you and thank you for pointing it out. The quote that stuck in my head but I misremembered was the following one So you can see where my concern with respect to your H is on this?

You also said
Your H's fears are well founded with respect to them losing respect for you. Normally, you would be advised to perhaps discuss with them when they are adults perhaps married and having troubles, but otherwise given that you two are trying to make the marriage work, the less known the better.

The problem as you stated it is that it is possible that they are going to be hearing things from other people and surely the split between the families is an opportunity for this discussion to come up.

You also said
This is a very honest comment, and one he needs to hear from you on more than one occasion. BUT...(you knew that was coming didn't you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) it is also a major problem for him. You see what he thought was he had some control of the marriage and how it was going, and therefore his assumption was that this was HIS fault and he should have seen it coming and stopped it. The reality is closer to what you have said, and that is a big problem for HIM, because it leaves him powerless and defenseless against it happening again. With all due respect you promised him once that such a thing would never happen when you took your vows, so telling him now doesn't carry as much weight. You will begin to see his realization of his powerlessness within a few months usually around the 6 month mark and it often shows up as anger.

My suggestion is of course to find a really good promarriage counselor, there are more bad out there than good so look carefully. Next I would like to suggest you obtain two books if you don't have them His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, both by Harley. The first is really about how to strengthen a marriage and it will offer your H and you some ideas to more "affair proof" your marriage. This may help your H believe what I am going to take on faith...you mean what you say when you say you won't do this again. THe other book is about affairs and the dynamics of them and it will open both of your eyes to many things. I will tell you that will there is a lot of good information in these books they are easy to read and could be read in as little as a day if you are a fast reader.

The point of this is to give your H a perch to stand on, some tools to work with, and some confidence that he in fact does have a major role in the marriage, but little to say about YOUR choice to have an affair. It also offers you some information that I truely believe you need.

You mentioned that you were abused as was OM. The clearly is not a good reason to have an affair, but children of abuse do often have boundary issues which surely can lead to affairs. You might want to do some reading along those lines, because eventually you will have to be able to express to your H why you did this. He does not need excuses because they are of no use in making plans for the future, but he will need reasons because they are bedrock of future plans. Do you see what I am driving at?

You two are still very early in this recovery, it will take a year or two perhaps more, so have patience. When you read Myrta's thread realize it took her a long time to get where she is, and if you read her first posts you will see she was extremely defensive. Not surprising but not very productive either.

So step one seems to me to figure out how to address the issue of the children knowing. Perhaps it can be expressed as "inappropriate closeness" and that you and their father have discussed this situation, developed a strategy for making the marriage stronger, and are working together to make your family unit even more unified. I don't know but talk about it.

As they get older there is a lesson they should learn. It is not bad to be wrong, what is bad is staying wrong. You were wrong in your actions and decisions, but you are NOT remaining wrong. Further, if they learn that forgiveness produces the sweetest fruit (and to some extent it is up to you to show them that) they will have learned something else very very important. Your H is in the process of forgiving you, and if his forgiveness of you and your forgivness of him leads to a marriage where the kids are yelling "Mom and Dad get a room" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> you will have taught them something very very important.

The A is a bad thing, but you and your H have an OPPORTUNITY to make something very special from what you learned and how you handled it. Another good lesson for kids to learn, that OPPORTUNITY is often found in some pretty sad places.

Please think about this and I hope Myrta's threads are of help.

God Bless,

JL

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