My story was posted on here some time ago...but I have a question I hope that the betrayed spouses can shed light on. I have told my husband everything there is to tell him regarding the EA and one night stand that I had with 'our' best friend. I have answered his questions to the best of my ability and in all honesty. D-day was 1/1/05...with the last of the story being told on 4/15/05. He told his sister last Sunday that everything was the same as its always been and that we never talk about 'it'. I am shaken because I thought that I was trying very hard to share myself emotionally with him (as we never had a problem with the physical aspect)...I have been more open and affectionate as that is what he wants. I try to spend time with him..we have a busy family life with one son graduating high school, middle son busy with many sports, and a 5 yr old getting ready for Kindergarten. I am not sure what it is that he wants to talk about with regard to the A. I said to him that if he still has questions or wants more information, he has to let me know what he wants....I am not sure how to just bring it up when we are dealing with life ona daily basis... In my eyes, there isn't anything left to talk about, but after reading many of the posts here, there are always things that the BS wants to talk about but I don't know what that is? Can someone or many ones ...elaborate on that. How do I just bring up the topic and what is it that I am supposed to be talking about? Does anyone understand what I mean? I am truly sorry about the A, I was in the FOG big time, the OM is M also, but he was separated from his W and living at our home because our entire families were best friends. That is all completely ruined now and I hurt very much because of that...as does my husband. I want to do whatever it takes to make this right...he doesn't get online for anything so its hard to send him to this site to read things. I printed off Josephs letter yesterday to bring home, but he is also not a very good reader. I could read it to him...I have asked him what it is he wants to talk about with regard to the A and he really doesn't have any answers. I told him that I was floored that he didn't think I had been trying to make things better...and he had no response to that either. I hope that someone can help me. Thank you for your assistance. I will also post this on the GQII section as I know most of you say to put it there also.

six months into recover there is usually a 'wall' of negative emotions for the BS ...

You need marriage therapy now.

Have you done that?

He also needs to hear the 'meaning' of your particular affair... this is the 'why' it happened in the first place ... do you know the answer to this question ---> "Why?"

best wishes for your recovery


Pep

and quite honestly ... he's still deciding if he wants to be married after the affair ... this is NORMAL for a BS to question around this time...
just so you know....

Pep

We don't seem to have any time for therapy..every time I have an appointment for us one of the kids has something going on and we just can't seem to get there. I dont know why "it" happened other than the OM and myself had an incredible connection that has been there since our family friendship started over 8 years ago. We had alot in common and had a very flirty friendship and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I know that my inability to talk to my husband is part of the problem...and I am trying to work on that. I don't understand 'why' its so hard for me to talk with my husband but so easy for the OM. I come from a history of sexual abuse and emotionah shutdowns.

how did that birthday cake get there????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey no fair!

A birthday cake?

I want a crown! waaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaa

I dont' know...hey I wonder if its because it is my birthday today? I have only been looking here for the past month...and I don't know how some of this stuff works....but I wonder. It took me a minute to even find the cake you were referring to.

Yeah, if you registered and put your b'date, it prolly is.

Happy Birthday.

Susan

Now all I have to do...is keep changing my profile...so that EVERYDAY is my birthday.

Did it work?

happy birthday !!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm jealous ... I want a piece of your cake!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Want some of my cake? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

soooooooooo funnnnneeeeeeeee

But what about my situation...thanks.

There is a priority calling your name ... can you hear it?


Well ... your job is to bloody well FIND OUT 'why' you were so vulnerable. If you don't discover your vulnerability, you are still at risk to repeat!


And what did you tell yourself that made it OK to get close to a man who was not your husband?


"trying to work on that" .... is not the same as activly DOING that ... which is why you need marriage therapy!


It's the same in all affairs... there is low risk for rejection ... an affair is not your home... get rejected by an affair, no big deal .... open up and share yourself with your husband .... rejection by your H is a very big deal.

So what? This may be a part of your history that you think allows you to hurt others ... but you are still responsible for your own weak spots and choices.

Pep

[color:"red"] Yes I can! I need to schedule time period!
[/color]


[color:"red"] We were friends and I didn't think there was anything wrong with it...and for that matter neither did any one else. As I stated - our entire family was best friends with his entire family.. [/color]


[color:"red"] When I said 'working on this" I meant actively telling him things and opening up in ways that I haven't before.
[/color]

[color:"red"] I don't feel that this 'allows' me to hurt others, I was just stating a part of my past that has something to do with the way I think and feel. Ultimately I am responsible for what I 'choose' to do. I understand that.
[/color]
My main question is for the BS - what do you want me to say or do? When the BS says 'we never talk about it' what is he really saying? I am not sure how else to ask this question. If he has asked me all types of who what where when why questions and I have answered them repeatedly because I know thats what I am supposed to do...then when he says we never talk about - what is he looking for? I have asked him and he doesn't know either..or at least is not able to put it words...

Beth

He's trying to get inside your head ... trying to see what sort of person you are ... talk about how this experience has changed you .... start there...

ask questions outloud .... something like

"I am studying myself to discover where I might be weak. Do you, dear husband, have any suggestions for where I might look for my weaknesses?"

Then don't expect an immediate response ...ask him to WRITE IT DOWN for you when he comes up with something...

for some, written words are easier ... and it might be this way for your husband

worth a try anyway

Pep

I know Pep can be a little forward, but, she definitely knows what she's talking about!! Ditto what Pep said. MC is helping my H and I do wonders in recovery!!

BTW - happy birthday. The whole thread on the birthday cake was very funny. Sorry, no more thread-jacking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there!

You said:
My main question is for the BS - what do you want me to say or do? When the BS says 'we never talk about it' what is he really saying?

I can’t claim to know what your husband is saying, but perhaps he is telling you that he doesn’t feel safe. For a betrayed spouse the feeling of being “safe” is paramount to recovery. Could it be that he in some way agonizes over the possibility that something terrible will once again happen? Who can live their life thinking such thoughts, ugh, sounds terrible. What are you doing to make sure (and I mean make absolutely sure) that he knows that you are in his corner and a repeat performance will not happen? So, does he feel “safe”? It is the question that you MUST ask yourself several times every day.

He needs the constant reassurance that you are of sound mind. He needs to know that you are there for him and thinking of him. If you neglect this need he will wring his hands and wonder where you are, what you are thinking and where he fits in your life. In other words, he will not feel “safe”.

You will be shocked at the healing effects that the simple things that you do can have on your husband. For instance, out of the clear blue you put your hand on your husbands and ask him if he is OK. You have shown your concern over your husband’s well being. If you further follow up with, “Honey, I am so sorry”. Such an impromptu action shows your husband that you are remorseful. It shows him that this terrible thing that happened is on your mind too, as it is undoubtedly on his.

These actions should come from your heart and be based on your true concern for your husband’s welfare and grounded in the remorse that you feel for the destructive choices that you made. You told your husband the complete truth and though it took you several months to do that, it was YOU that finely did it. It was a true act of courage and more then that it was a true act of compassion towards your husband. Plus, you also get to claim a side benefit. You have opened a door to forgiveness of your self. You see, I believe in something corny, like so many in these forums I believe that “the truth shall set you free”. You shall come to believe that statement.

When Pep mentioned that you allowed yourself to become inappropriately close to the OM you defended your actions. It was those early baby steps that placed you in “hot water” in the first place. You need to carefully consider how that affair started, with the first conversation that your husband was not party to.

You are asking for help and that is so very positive. Your husband’s safety is your new No. 1 job in life. I have read your posts and I believe that you are up to the task.

One other thing, do not trivialize the second time with the OM. Even though it did not end up in sex it is all part of the same bag.

Back to marriage counseling for you and your husband.

Mr. G

Thank you all for your comments. Mr. Goodstuff- thank you especially. You have given me a huge insight - exactly what I was looking for. Its not just the words but the actions also...and because I am unsure sometimes what I should do - I do nothing. And that probably hurts him the most. I appreciate the time you took to explain all that you did and reading my other posts to get the 'whole' picture. I have to make the MC top priority...and if it means taking time off work to do so...then that is the way it needs to be. Thank you.