We have been married for 5 years. It has been all up hill and we have been battling a LOT of issues. He proposed after only 2 weeks and because I was at the point of my life I needed to start taking chances i said yes, but with a 1.5 year engagement. During that time his 13 year old from his first unfaithful and abusive relationship (on her part) passed away from a terminal disease. He showered me with purchases and sent me to file bankruptcy including cashing in my 401k to bail him out of jail from a problem with his ex's new abusive boyfriend. I on the other hand have never been in trouble and was always a goody goody growing up so dealing with legal issues is not a comfort zone for me. Just prior to our marriage he started a huge fight because he felt my family wasn't treating him fairly knowing he doens't have family and they didn't make plans with him for his bachelor party (we lived out of state so it would have been difficult either way) and my family kind of felt weird us accepting marriage without dating and some other family run ins he had with my brother. At this point I felt trapped....I agreed to marry him and had NO idea this was going to be the life. WE got passed it...he then says...he needs more physical connection. I always was quite reserved and not very socially outgoing....I am very serious and have a hard time knowing how to "have fun". We did however have fun in the beginning, but I also couldn't juggle work responsibilty with this new found fun and had to come back to earth. I don't know how to do both.

Long story short...we adopted two children after our first year of marriage as I wanted to start a family and was close to 30 yrs old. He had a vasectomy because of his unfaithful Ex. We became parents too soon as we thought the process would take longer. He had said that he needed daily sex, but it must include enthusiasm regardless of how I felt because I should be madly and deeply in love like he is with me....but I am not a bouncy type of person...I don't even know how to be that way for real. Then he pushed a swing lifestyle because he was trying to "GET" me to open up and do adventurous things....worst 1.5 years of my life till my parents found out and knowing that would have NEVER been something I would have chosen to do it created anotehr MAJOR tiff in the family. Now we haven't done that for the past two years, but I also am in a VERY stressful self employed time of my life building a business that has completely taken over my life. I can't afford to hire help and I can't keep up with orders and I can't turn away business because I won't grow and word will spread that I am too small to handle and then clients will go away. My boys are not in school full time so I am juggling business and mothering and all the daily things that go along with it. I am wiped out before I begin.

I have bent over backwards for the past three months as we finally even with bad credit managed to get a high interest mortgage on a house that not only had 3 acres for our boys and dogs to have fun in...an area my husband can build his remote control airplanes, but enough space for my business to expand so I can hire part time help...but my husband is fed up with "being" last on my priority list. He complains and then I get more bitter because he knows i am KILLING myself literally trying to juggle housing buying, preschool boys, an overwhelming business that I can't afford help and if I could there is no place to put them and if i still could i don't have time to teach and then because my husband for 5 years has said that his way of feeling loved is by me continually showing him and being intimate EVERY night WITH enthusiasm and to do something wild every night that has never been done before and we never did with anyone else....uuummmmm....I can't even think of anythign to do let alone 365 days worth.....and if it is THAT time of month then the alternative is the "OTHER" hole....something that he feels is the most "special" form of love I can show him....well, not only is it gross, but kills no matter if I have a positive attitude about it or not...I have probably "done" that type of intimacy at least 50 times...in my attempts to "give in" and try to keep the marriage together, but yet he smokes in front of me and the kids ( a former personal trainer and health buff until my husband wasn't comfortable with me in that environment where i don't wear much clothing...CAUSE I AM WORKING OUT....not cause i am flaunting myself). Anyway, he says I love you probably 25 times a day...calls me from work several times, buys stuff when I am trying to save money for the house or so that we pay expenses on time...which we don't....a whole host of great things he does for me, but yet none of which I ASK to be done and a lot that don't NEED to be done....and I should appreciate it and when our time that evening rolls around no matter what time of day or how tired I am or how much trouble the boys were or how many problems arose in my business I need to be awake and go as long as I can (which I fail each time at because I am not arroused for that long) we should still be on cloud nine with each other and engross our lives around each other in marital bliss.....And through all we have gone through....something makes me still want to save the marriage.....problem is he is UNWILLING to do the steps on this site....for the past two years I have done nothing but degrade him and have an attitude around him because of the fact that all the things he will accept for me to do...like over enthusiasm....not be tired at the end of day....shower him with attention and be intimate with somethign exciting that I come up with not him...and I MUST be the one to initiate or it doesn't count as an effort...I am on this board looking for what to do.

I shouldn't have to do the back side if it hurts AS MUCH as it does. Everythign he feels is acceptable for me to do is something I have not been able to do with consistency, desire, and enthusiasm and I am lost for what to do. He wants me to remain around mothering the boys and doing all I have while he goes and finds a new wife....why should my life end and his move on when I think his demands are not in both of our best interests and refuses to find something that makes us both happy as he said there isn't anything........what should I do?

ok, I am so not qualified to help out here but I will respond. After reading your post it sounds to me like your H needs some major help. And you are losing yourself and I am guessing your self esteem in doing things with him you would normally find degrading. No one should ever ask their spouse to participate in the "swing" lifestyle. That is not a true commitment to eachother. That is not what marriage is. And for someone like you, who it sounds has good morals, it is degrading. It sounds to me like you are giving in to all of his demands for fear of losing him? I'd say he also has some severe insecurities. Calling you all of the time, the sexual demands, etc, that is not love to me but possession (or in his mind is love but in the real world is not). If you really want this marriage to be saved I would address one issue at a time. Write everything down for yourself. YOU should see a counselor and ask them how best to deal with this type of person and situation. Would he go to couseling? Sounds like he needs both IC and MC. He needs to know that just because you don't have sex 365 in 365 different positions doesn't mean he is any less loved. And it is your body and you have the right to say NO if you don't want certain positions. We were not created to make love THAT way. (for 2 people who both want it that way, that's different. But you don't like it, it makes you feel bad, hurts, etc. No way.) If you two continue on like this you are not going to have any selfesteem left. As far as your business, etc, maybe you can figure out some compromises. Can your marriage work? With a lot of hard work on both of your parts. And your H needs some serious help sweetie. I hope he is willing to get it. mlhb

You have to consider what's most important to you:
1. Husband who is controlling(!), inconsiderate, and has total disregard for your wellbeing.
2. Kids
3. Work

If your husband ranks up there on top, you need to lighten your load and stop working. Make him bring home the bacon.

Make a list off all the responsibilities(his sexual needs included) show it to him.
Show him what is on your plate and if he wants all his needs met, then to bring home enough money so you don't have to concentrate on anything other than the family.

Tell him that what he considers the most "special" expression of love is not what you consider special and that he has to meet you half way.

If all else fails I don't see what would keep you in that marriage. You will live a long depressing life and your boys will grwo up like him if he doesn't change his attitude.
You are the victim and also the bad guy(girl) for allowing this to happen.

If you ask me my blunt opinion, leave him and close this chapter of your life and start fresh.

With all due respect, this is a Marriage Builders forum, to *promote* MB principles to solve problems.

Since Dr. H pretty much believes that most if not all marriages can be saved, it would certainly be in line with common courtesy to suggest his methodology for resolving issues.

If you prefer your solutions, start and fund your own site, and offer your own solutions.

To OP, since digital's "recommendation" here is pretty confrontational, I suspect it will not get you the results you are wanting.

I would encourage you to post on the Emotional Needs forum which gets more traffic and to be frank, at this stage, ignore digital's suggestion for confrontation.

Now Jaye,

With all due respect to Dr. H and his MB tenets, some marriages should not be saved and if I was this woman I would run for my life.

dme wrote "He wants me to remain around mothering the boys and doing all I have while he goes and finds a new wife."

what in the name of Christmas is that supposed to mean????

dme also wrote "problem is he is UNWILLING to do the steps on this (MB) site..."

I don't even want to get into the wife swapping, anal sex, and other abusive, psychopathic behavior here.

If Dme found herself married to a serial killer should she be worried about love busters and emotional needs?

dme's husband needs a CAT scan, not marriage counseling.

And if Dme puts up with this for one more day, she needs a CAT scan too!

Not my call. There are options within MB, including plan A and plan B to address this issue without the first call being divorce.

As to her situation specifically, I didn't say anything about it, other than to encourage her to post on the EN forum as it gets more traffic. My comments were directed to digital who seems to be using MB to promote his brand of therapy, since apparently he does this for a living. And all I'm saying is that if he wants to promote his brand of therapy, setup and pay for his own site, and work his magic.

Dr. H specifically states that physical safety is top priority, and I don't disagree.

It sounds like you married a Narcassistic person. I'm sorry, but I think you need to get out of this situation before it takes everything you have left, including yourself.

im so sorry for what your going through. I have to say ive always felt marraige should be forever. but in youre case i dont think id stay. i really feel sad for you. love is not about hurting the other person, if he does that to you knowing it hurts you thats not love. sex should be agreed on by eachother. my h and i like to get wild, but not always do i feel like it. my h wanted it every night also cause i hardly wanted it, but since getting back together that is what ive tried to change. i do it more often, he doesnt need it so much anymore because he gets it more. so he bothers me less. I think your h might have a problem with sex addiction. i would say at least get out, away from him and work on yourself. if hes not willing to work on the marriage let him get the divorce.
good luck, I really hope things get better for you.

Look at www.recoverynation.com and see if it possible he might be a sexual addict. They list some of the warning signs.

With all due respect, this woman is not only an abusive victim, she's a victim of sexual assault in her marriage. I respect working out problems but I say find the nearest shelter and make a plan to escape. Because this woman is eventually going to be smacked around if she doesn't "fix her problem." The only problem she has is her H. She never really describes what "or else" means but I'll gander a guess it means her H will eventually hit her or kill her.