Ravensdream -
Man, I know how you feel. I'm done being played with like a puppet. I have been completely miserable over the last three weeks. The week before my wife left me, she said nothing about divorce; she toyed with me like things were going to be okay once we went home or "after we took a break". She said that if we "transferred schools" or had a child, things would be better. Then the next day she decides that none of that meant anything, and decided to come to the magical realization that she "will never love me again" within a matter of a few hours after saying how excited she was to move home and try fixing things. Well, needless to say, I found out shes been talking to a guy she had sex with before we were together for like a year since things got rough, and has been telling people how she likes him and other nonsense like that.
Unlike her appearantly, I truly love her. Although things have been horrible for the past few months, I am now actively doing my part to save things because I care about the vows I made, and it took her leaving for me to realize how serious things were. But, she dropped me off at my moms, left, and never came to see me like she said she would (she had the car and I had no phone or internet). So, i called her and she said that it wasn't really that hard not being around me, even though for me, not being with her was misery. She hasn't called me in 3 weeks, she stopped signing her emails "love" and only writes like 2 second blurbs which are completely void of all emotion or thought process. I asked her to come to church with me, and to counseling, and she got pissed at me; she lied to me about the guy shes been talking to, and through all this - she has the nerve to tell me that my friendship would mean more than anything to her, even though she makes no effort to contact me and writes like 2 sentences when she emails me, always ended with the same line "I hope all is well for you".
I've been weak for a long time, and way to dependant on her for my happiness. She's bringing me down, and I'm quite frankly sick of being depressed over someone who is just going to treat me like I don't exist and like the last two years of our lives that were quite frankly the happiest I've ever had when things were good, don't mean anything. If she's not going to make any effort whatsoever, and is going to treat my emotions like sandpaper on PURPOSE, then I'm out - she's not worth it. If she is going to bring me down while I'm at the most vulnerable point EVER in my life while I'm trying to become a true man again, I'm done.
I realize I have messed up, and I know more than anyone on this Earth that the things I said to her during our fights were out of line - I wish more than anything that I could take them back. I know that for the longest time I didn't help out, or I neglected us, and for that I have no excuse. But the fact remains that I've never done anything to hurt her intentionally. I wasn't solely neglecting her when I was depressed. I was neglecting my family, her, my friends, and myself. I indulged myself in the pointless escape of our computer and thought that it would make things better - it didn't. I have been pouring my heart out for the last three weeks trying to show her that I'm sorry, and that I am sincere about changing so that I can be the best father and husband possible - if she doesn't have enough respect for me or the vows we took, and won't even TRY going to counseling let alone tells me that "She doesn't think she even wants us to work anymore" - then forget it. I will always love her until the day I die, she made me happier than anything while we were together, and I wanted more than anything to father her kids and make her happy; but I was young and I had issues that I needed to deal with, which I'm doing now.
If she wants to leave me, then its her loss. I know that one day I am going to make the greatest father and husband in the world - because I've seen how amazing I was with her before my issues broke out, and I saw how happy we both were together. I'm done with the crap that held me back for so long. I have a job, I'm going to counseling, and everyday that passes I see myself becoming who I was again. If she wants to give up on the guy that she called her soulmate; the guy who she said was the greatest thing to ever happen to her, then its her loss.
I think its really pathetic that those times aren't important enough to even try regaining in her eyes. This nation is full of quitters.
I'm sorry if I'm straight up venting now, but I've held this pain inside for these last three weeks and I'm sick of being trampled on. She has every right to be upset about what has happened in our relationship, but if she's supposedly "woman" enough to have told me that she wanted kids, and then get mad at me because I didn't get her pregnant during the direction our relationship was taking and wanted to fix things before she got pregnant then she needs to be woman enough to fight through issues that every couple on Earth deals with. It takes two to make a marriage, and if shes not willing to try, then I'm done too.
Its sad really because I see her heading down the same exact path her mom took. Her mom left her first husband who is an amazing guy because "they were too young" then she married again, got divorced, and is now married to a guy who cheats on her, which sadly enough she even knows about - yet has spent her whole life giving up on marriages and clinging to other guys that she has made nothing for herself in life and is forced to stay with this guy while shes trying to save up money to leave.
Then, her mom - who can't even take care of herself and lives with a guy who uses her because she can't has the nerve to send the cops to my house because we didn't pick up the phone after she tried calling twice because our phone wasn't plugged in - even though the only person who has EVER physically hit someone in this relationship is my wife hitting me.
-I'm sorry this is probably a huge rant and is very pourly constructed, but I just got home from work and its like 3 in the morning and I'm extremely drained emotionally from trying for the past three weeks to save this relationship only to get nothing but anger and indifference in return. Nice to know that someone can just take back things like "you're my soulmate" and "i can't wait to have your babies" in the blink of an eye like it never meant [censored].
My mom is a heroin addict living in section 8 housing and my dad still lives with his parents, after being in jail for like 10 years. I have met my dad once. I swore to God that I wouldn't become what they did after going through the pain and the hurt that they put me through - and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up becoming the man I've always wanted to be because of this girl. I won't let this bring me down any further; not today. Not ever. I'm going back to school alone it appears, she doesn't seem to care anymore - which is a shame because we could have been amazing together. I'm going back to college and finishing school, and I'll find someone who actually meant their vows, and didn't run from their problems, ripping my heart out in the process. It'll be nice to find someone who actually means it when they tell me "I don't care how tough things get - I will never give up on us" because it really sucks making a pact with someone saying that you'll never divorce with them because you BOTH know how much it destroyed your family, only to have them for lack of better words, slap you in the face and go back on that pact like it never meant anything.
I pray to God that if she divorces me she gets help - because I'm extremely fearful that she's just going to go back to what she was doing before she met me; sleeping around with guys to "find love" who in turn just used her for sex and treated her like an object. She had two boyfriends who in the end of things just ditched her like she didn't matter as a person. I'm the only person in her life (according to her) who has actually cared about her as a person, and wanted to be with her for HER and not for her body. Although I have made some mistakes and to an extent used her while I was depressed, I realized it and am doing something to fix it. I never used her on purpose, unlike every other guy she's been with, and have never not wanted her to be happy for HER and not for me. I know through this vent I sound extremely selfish; but in turn I'm saying half of these things because I care about her and I don't want to see her do something she's going to regret for the rest of her life. I see her falling back into the situation she was in before more and more everyday. Even the fact that she mentioned that she'd rather be a young mother then finish college - she sounds like her mother ended up.
The very fact that shes running back to a guy who took advantage of her when he was 9 years older than her and she was 17, after telling people that hes a "responsible family man" leads me to believe that she's got a long road ahead of her. I guess responsible family men always take advantage of 17 year olds.
I love her more than life itself, and half of this stuff that I'm saying is bottled up frustrations; but it looks like I can't do anything else anymore. I've tried...but I think its time to let go. I have never been a quitter - but its senseless to pour out your heart into something that is only being worked on by one person. If she decides that she wants to make things work again, I will be here - because I meant it when i told her I loved her more than anything and that I'd never give up on us - but if she sleeps with this guy behind my back, or even in front of it for that matter - shes not coming back. Same goes it she divorces me - she asked me four weeks ago, "If I left you and realized it was a mistake later, would you let me come back?" well...I told her then that I didn't know - but I do now. The answer is no. I deserve more respect than that as a person, and if shes going to divorce me, then she never loved me enough to be worth staying with anyhow.
Be thankful that your spouse is even willing to go to counseling - if she didn't care about your relationship, she wouldn't go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
