Hi wife4life2005,
Maybe I should quit looking at these threads... I keep seeing my ex in them!! Did you marry my ex?? Just kidding. It might seem to some posters that I'm hung up on a verbal abuse kick, but I just tend to pick threads that have that as a theme because I know this problem well. Honest! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Anyway, this is a form of verbal abuse, though a covert form. It is called withholding and stonewalling, and it never allows problems to be resolved. I'm an "expert" in this field (wish I wasn't) as I was married to a man like this for 18 years. It was awful and didn't get better - it got worse. I couldn't talk to him about anything substantial, just things like tasks and where to go for dinner, about our dogs, etc. He either didn't speak, or stonewalled me with statements like, "I've got to think about it." I'd ask him when we can discuss it, he'd say, "I don't know". I'd ask him to talk to me when he was ready. He was never ready. I'd say I needed to be able to communicate more freely with him, he'd say, "this is just the way I am". His family were not close and couldnt' talk to each other either. His father had been very controlling and abusive to his mom. He didn't think there was anything wrong with their relationship.
This might be made a bit clearer in the following quote from a book called,
"The verbally abusive relationship - how to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans (a great book to buy if you are able to, or borrow from the library):
"When the verbal abuser refuses to discuss a problem, he prevents all possibility of resolution. In this way he exercises control over the interpersonal reality. Partners are frequently left with a sick, hurtfeeling that is never really resolved. There is no feeling of closure."
"All verbal abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner's knowledge is called "crazymaking". "The sustaining of power seems to be one key factor in crazymaking behavior. It appears to be a way of asserting dominance while denying its existence or the wish for it" (Bach and Deutch, 1980, p. 270)."
"The abuser cannot control his partner and be intimate with her at the same time. Intimacy is lacking if there is no equality, partnership, mutuality and goodwill. "Intimate love is fun, sexy, romantic, inspiring. Whether you have it in your relationship has little to do with how many years you have been together, but depends instead on how often and how deeply you share yourselves with each other" (Paul, 1983, p.124)."
"If there is a relationship, then there must be more than the exchange of information. A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and understand another's feelings and experience is empathetic comprehension. The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one party is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way. Although two people may not always understand each other or may have difficulty expressing their feelings, the intention to understand is there if both parties can say, for example, "Is this what you mean?" or "Is this how you feel?" or "I think....." or "I feel...." One person cannot create intimacy in a relationship.
The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner, denies her experience, and refuses to share himself with her is violating the primary agreement of a relationship. He is withholding.
Withholding speaks as loudly as words and is a category of verbal abuse. Simply put, withholding is a choice to keep virtually all of one's thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward one's partner, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference.
Withholding can go on for years because the partner, after trying to engage her mate, may assume that he is, after all, a very quiet person, or totally self-contained or, maybe, extremely shy, or has some "hang up," or is, maybe, slightly authistic. She can conjecture any one of these reasons for the verbal abuser's behaviour more readily than she can concieve of his reality."
"The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold will respond to requests for communication with:
"There's nothing to talk about"
"What do you want me to say?"
"What are you complaining about; I do talk to you."
"You never let me talk"
"Why should I tell you if I like it; you'll do what you want anyway"
"You wouldn't understand"
"She may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information. However, the relationship is dysfunctional because there is no intimacy. Functional information is, of course, important, but it cannot be the only form of communication if there's to be a real relationship."
"Blocking and diverting is a category of verbal abuse which specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. Blocking may be by direct demand or by switching the topic. It's primary purpose is to prevent discussion, end communication or withhold information. Diverting changes the topic away from the partner's questions."
"Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation. The declaration by the abuser that what occurred didn't occur is abusive. Everyone forgets what happened now and then. However, consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on another person is verbally abusive denial.
Often, after the partner collects herself after being yelled at or put down, she may try to talk to her mate about it. He will have conveniently "forgotten" the incident, saying, for example, "I don't know what you are talking about. I'm not going to listen to this."
Some abusers seem to consistently forget the promises which are most important to their partners. Often the partner is truly counting on a very important agreement made by her mate. He will have "forgotten" the agreement. "I don't know where you got that" or "I never agreed to anything" are common forms of denial"
"Denial is one of the most insidious categories of verbal abuse because it denies the reality of the partner.
A confirmed verbal abuser may use every form of verbal abuse on a regular basis. This very same abuser might very well read this section on the categories of verbal abuse and say that he has never been abusive, that he loves his partner, and that he would never do anything to hurt her. Examples of denial:
"I never said that", "You're making that all up", "We never had that converstion", You're getting upset about nothing.", "I don't know where you got that."....
When the partner of the abuser clearly realizes that: He did say that. She's making nothing up. They DID have that conversation. She's upset about something. Her experience IS real. She's NOT crazy. Then, she has enough self-esteem and knowledge to recognize verbal abuse."
"Responding to Withholding:
Withholding is a purposeful silent treatment and, as explained earlier, is a violation of your boundaries. You need no longer sit through long hours of silence punctuated by YOUR occasional questions, comments on the news of the day, or expressions of personal interest while you get no response from your mate. Whether you are out to dinner, at home or spending a holiday at the beach, if you have experienced hours, or days, or whatever is your limit of nonresponsive closed silence, leave the area stating firmly, clearly, and matter-of-factly as you leave, "I'm feeling very bored with your company." Then be gone as long as you want to. You may or may not make an impact, but at least you won't be bored.
Alternatively, one woman put on her earphones and sat down to dinner with a favorite tape playing. She gestured and hummed through dinner to music only she could hear. Her unusual behaviour made an impact on her mate. He soon made overtures to engage her in conversation."
W4L, there are also sections on responding to blocking and diverting, to forgetting and denial, etc. I would type them here but my fingers are getting REALLY sore, lol. There is a lot more information as well that goes along with this.
I recommend this book to women who are unhappy in their relationships and wonder if they should be ok with behavior that is causing their frusatration, confusion and unhappiness. If any of this strikes a chord with you, I highly recommend it - It was a life-changing book for me and allowed me to see the crazymaking situations for what they are before I went completely nuts trying to figure them out.
