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I had an hour's phone conversation with my WW tonight - the longest I've talked to her in the last 3 weeks, I think.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:26 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Dont' know what *I* can say that will mean anything. After all, I'm going 2 my W's OOSP, and a number of my friends here think I'm out of my tree.
-ol' 2long
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Hi, AD.
It seems that she is planning to be your friend and you her confidant, AFTER you are divorced.
Is that a relationship that you want to have with her?
I am curious as to why you would help her move if you are moving on?
Do you realize how this plays into the whole 'father figure' issue?
What is your plan, and the anticipated goal/outcome?
All the best,
Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Well, 2Long, I think you are still very much in your tree. Does that mean you're nuts? Or bananas? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Personally, I like nuts and bananas - especially in the form of banana-nut bread. Seriously, 2Long, you're a mature, caring, intele gent, dude with an extra-terrestrial reach. If you want to drive across Nevada to go see your ever-lovin' wife, well, go! - because you want to. And what's wrong with that, I might ask? 2Long, we are all different - and in the differences between us lies almost everything that is facinating in life. Coach barks, but he doesn't bite. LOL. You neither bark nor bite. I don't know what I'm doing. But I sure miss my wife. I wish there was a way to have the marriage we should have had. Or maybe we are having it, but just don't know it. What would I have not known if life had been easier the last few years? Well, for one thing, I might not have learned that children are worth a lot of suffering. Maybe I knew it in an abstract way, but now I know that neither W nor I can regret this marriage, because out of it has come one child - who right now is a bit lost, it seems to me, though she is very dearly loved. I'm rambling. I wonder if the people who D without children are more bitter than those who D with children - even though children make it more complex? If you threw away 5-10-15-20-30 years of life and didn't get a child out of it, what would it be like? Honesly, I can't imagine the existence of a universe which does not contain my daughter. still rambling. I'll stop now. 2Long, hey, if you go, and I think you are, do something different - maybe wear really dull normal clothes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> instead of your normal colorful duds - but put on a happy face and really enjoy yourself. Going is expected, so since you're going, throw in something totally unexpected - somethign radical. Pick up an old homeless man and bring him with you - so he won't celebrate the 4th on the streets by himself. (If he murders your entire clan, it's not my fault, LOL). What would your WW least expect? No, don't bring a girlfriend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You are a very creative man, you can think of something. -AD
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Gimble,
Maybe I don't care. If I'm moving on, why not just do whatever I feel like when I feel like it - and if it happens to involve my WW, it doesn't mean anything.
Sometimes a man just has to let go - and letting go means different things to different people. Letting go means I don't have a plan and don't want one because I don't have a goal, and don't need one.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:27 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Well, 2Long, I think you are still very much in your tree. Does that mean you're nuts? Or bananas? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Personally, I like nuts and bananas - especially in the form of banana-nut bread..... -AD Well AD, just to let you know..... I make one killer banana bread. It also has walnuts, crushed pineapple and coconuts. So if you and 2L are gonna be up in that tree, let me know, I'll toss up a couple of loaves. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Now my 2 cents about your W. She is attempting to get you to fill her needs. IMHO, don't do it. Let her deal with the fact that her choices to separate does not privy her to invade your life with her demands. I know you want to help but it probably w/b better NOT to help. Why? Because she needs to realize her actions are not going t/b rewarded with the pleasure of your company. Of course it is your decision and most BS' would want to help (thinking they are in plan A) but in reality that kind of help isn't plan A. It is more plan E (enabling). IMHO, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> take care, L.
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Orchid, Thanks for posting. I make one killer banana bread. It also has walnuts, crushed pineapple and coconuts. Oh! Please toss a loaf of B-N bread over here! -AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:29 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Letting go means ... ?? I do what I "feel like", or what I "want", when I feel like or want it - within the bounds of what is legal and moral. This evening, I felt like eating a pizza with my family.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:30 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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They always come out and summon the parents to join in the "goodby song". I let WW go, since all the others who bring their kids are Mom's and I feel silly standing in a circle holding hands with a group of ladies and kids singing "It's time to say goodby". I've done it, once, but ... c'mon. I don't figure my w wants me holding hands with little jimmy's mom either - even to sing a silly song. LOL.
that little girls memory of a daddy who stands in a circle with women and sings a goodbye song...are the kind that bring a smile to your face many years later...when ever the vision comes...
I suggest you do it every chance you get...and sing louder and sillier than any of those silly moms.....
trust me on this AD...little girls are very proud of their dads...especially when they do something like that...
ARK
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Ark^^
I'm sure you are right. I know I have to step to the plate on that one.
When I said I felt "silly", I should have said "uncomfortable".
I know that the plan-runners here have been disapointed with me for not running a plan B as they would have me do it. Still, I know for a fact that what I have done has had much of the same effect as a plan B. FGG warned me about letting her get close again, and I can see the danger.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:32 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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I guess it was on Monday that I started a different tack.
I had been staying away from WW and limiting communication, but I started "warming" to her a bit.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:33 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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I struck me how odd this was. Her OM is a CS major. Why wouldn't she ask him to help? (Not that I want her to ask him to do anything.) I asked her, in general, what's up with that - why so desparate for me to do things for her. What about him? Her answer was quite revealing. The best I can understand it, I'm an insider and he's an outsider. She doesn't want him messin' with her stuff. She would never invite him to or into "our" home. If we D, she does not want him to know the terms of the D - how much CS or alimony or $$$ she gets. Even if she married later, she would want to have her own accounts - and it would be none of her H's business what was in them. Facinating! I don't entirely know what it means, but on the basis of this discussion, I agreed to help her move.
I think this is good, but why should I care now?
Any comments?
-AD AD, You are a good guy OK? Now, is this stufff she actually SAID? or stuff you are inferring from her attitude and your history together? Kinda important difference y'know? AD, if you want her back it's OK, really it is...if you don't then this crap needs to stop. By stop I mean quit making yourself available and useable. Either way please don't invest yourself emotionally in the outcome...my WWXW did the same crap when things went bad with her Married OM...you know..."IF we D" "Maybe our years together are worth a try"...that kinda crap...it just made the ending harder and turned my heart into marble. One more thing, this hanging together without resolution or intent is harder on your D than you think...My WWXW and us all hung out and got my kids hopes up only to have them crushed my WWXW's inability to give up married OM....just something to consider bud. Be careful my friend... RebornMan
"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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rebornman asks... Now, is this stufff she actually SAID? Yes. I could not make it up. It really surprised me. Thanks for your concern. My present assumption is that it's all over except the paperwork. I know the danger of getting dragged into hoping again. I'm trying to be as unhopeful as I can. No, she has to beg if she wants to save this, and she's not going to do that, or rather, if she does, it will surprise me. -AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:34 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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You know TA, for all your bravado, you and I seem to be stuck on the same page! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BW, 33 WH 36
Md 14.5 yrs
DD13, DS11, DD4
Tired of counting d-days, D proceeding 7/05
"Pride can break a man right down from iron.
Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul
Handprint of God on the small of my back
my second chance, my second chance.
I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee...
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault.
Say I believe, I believe lay it down.
This the hour of my healing, of my healing,
yeah my heart, my heart redeemed."
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AD,
Hey, saving money is great...saving big money is awesome! Cheating a cheating spouse out of money is even better (alright, amybe not but it feels good for a minute)
But here is my point and try to follow as I've had a couple beers and I can't claim this will be coherant...lol
At what cost is the money saved?
All I'm saying is your daughter ain't gonna see it as a cost cutter...she wil see it as "Mom and Dad are back together"
Something to think about...remember...actions speak louder than words.
Do what you have to do, just wanted to point that out after living through it bud
Reborn
"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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Well, RBM, you may be right - but I suspect it would actually be good for DD.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen to my little family. I'm trying to accept whatever comes. I have my preferences, but I don't have any expectations.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:36 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Hey, saving money is great...saving big money is awesome! Cheating a cheating spouse out of money is even better (alright, amybe not but it feels good for a minute) I forgot to say, that I had a laugh at the way you put this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Glad you like that AD....I kinda chuckled as I typed it
You handle it how you see best OK?
I was onlt pointing out stuff I lived through is all.....
period, the end..finis....
"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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Update,
Well, I hesitate to post because
1) I'm no MB poster-child. (or maybe I am, if you note that a poster child usually has some incurable disease, LOL)
2) I don't really hope for any postive change - or to "save" the marriage.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:39 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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Giving in to emotion is a losing proposition for a man, no matter what all the touchy-feely gurus say.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 08/23/05 10:40 PM.
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