I have been reading other people's stories for about a year. I have tried every plan from A to Z...nothing has changed my spouse. He is still dead set on divorce. In a nutshell, my story is married 12 yrs with 2 kids 6 and 10. Husband has traveled a lot on business for the last 6 yrs. He has had 2 long-term affairs he admitted to a year ago and several one night stands while travelling (all of this became news to me about a year ago).

This last affair was with an employee of his. He thought he was in deep love, could be himself around her, etc. That affair is now over. However, he is dating another person in another state currently ...maybe even others. He has been saying an entire year that he needs someone who makes him feel loved, really shows that they want to be with him, does what he says (both inside and outside of the bed), etc. Basically, he is in a fog and has lost his mind. He says he got married too soon and now really knows what he wants ...HA!

Anyway, he is self-employed and lost his major contract at the beginning of the year. Therefore, he is not working. Up until a month ago he was renting a corporate apt in another state with the $ saved in this company account. He was staying there and coming home almost every weekend to visit. Now that the company $ is gone...he stays with his brother (any maybe even girlfriend(s)) when he travels there.

He has apologized for the pain he has caused me, says he knows how may people he will disappoint (even his kids), but still wants a divorce. He has refused counseling completely. He just wants out of this marriage because he can no longer love me the same and needs a new start.

Two months ago, I tried kicking him out for good. He attempted to leave, told the kids that we were divorcing because he did not love me anymore, etc. The kids had a complete meltdown..he felt guilty and then told them that he had changed his mind, would not leave and would try to work on loving me. Ten minutes later he tells me that we are still getting divorced...he just told the kids the lie about changing his mind because it was not good timing.

Soooo as of now,the kids think he has kept his promise and when he leaves to go out of town that it is for work....all lies. I am tired!!!!!! I do not want a divorce...my husband knows how I feel...says that I have a heart of gold and should be with someone who can really love me. I have tried eveything to bring him back to me ..nothing has worked. He is extremely stubborn, arrogant and childish...basically, acting like a rebellious teenager. He wants to learn the hard way!! Fortunately, he is very committed to providing for us financially. Because of his guilt, he feels that this is the least he can do.

Finally, here is my question....I am tired of my kids living this lie..thinking daddy is here to stay and is working out of town. I have also been waiting for him to find another job. He has been interviewing, but no luck yet. I have been trying to remain sensitive to the fact that he has no money and no where to go. If I kick him out for good (change locks on doors, etc), I know that I will set him off. I do not want to enrage him and then he changes his mind about the financial support he promised me. However, I am tired!!! I want to remain focused on the end result...not tramatizing my kids with a lot of drama and him being generous in the divorce.

Friends have said ...do not say anything to the kids until the papers are filed and it is 100% sure. A part of me agrees with this ... the other part wants him out of the house completely and facing reality NOW...which would mean telling the kids the truth.

Any advice?

Lady, have you talked to your lawyer yet? You MUST do this asap. It's important to be prepared. Do you have access to the company books? Do you know for sure there's no money? A year gives someone a lot of time to hide assets.

I also worry about your husband's lie to the children. How old are they? Are they old enough to understand? A lot depends on how old the children are.

Also, if you ask him to leave, he has to stay left, unless he proves he has changed. This will mean over months, not days.

As for him having no money... let me ask you.... If your husband had not had numerous affairs, but put that energy and time into the family or his business, would there be money now?

I was responsible for all of the financial matters of his company...there is no money. I am 100% sure he has not moved any money to hidden places. Right now he is getting cash advances from his credit card to support his "carefree" life while traveling out of state. I am denied him access to our personal checking/savings account.

We have both decided to avoid using lawyers because of the cost. We do not have the $$ to spend on lawyers. I have spoken with a lawyer and understand how to do it by avoiding the high cost of lawyers. To date, I have been completing a basic form needed settle the details of a divorce. The two of us are discussing the details and have agreed to make all final decisons together. So far, he has agreed to everything I have included in this form.

Kids are 2 girls 6 and 10. I am trying really hard to keep the pre-divorce drama out of their lives. Divorce will be tough enough. I am just tired of knowing that they are living in this lie. I also know that they will form their own opinion of their Dad. I do not plan to drag him in the mud in front of them...he is creating his own black hole regarding the kids.

[color:"blue"]Lady, [/color]



[color:"blue"]What your husband is actually doing is telling you the truth about himself. For once. He is telling you that he is a bad person and that you deserve better - listen to him! By the way, statements like this are red flags for spotting controlling people. [/color]



[color:"blue"]If you already know that he is stubborn, arrogant and childish, why would you want him back. What are his redeeming qualities? Has he shown you any redeeming qualities except for times when he was making up for his "bad moods"? [/color]



[color:"blue"]This may not last. You should seek legal advice and start putting a financial plan together for yourself for how you would survive if he wasn't so generous.

V. [/color]

Sunnyva39,

I have secured a job that will begin in a couple of months. Unfortunately, I let go of my career to support his career dreams and to be the stable parent for our kids. The job that I will be starting in a few months will allow me to have the flexibility I will need to be available for my kids. However, it will not pay as much as my original career had afforded me.

I feel that as long as he is willing to provide the financial support we need, I want to try to make this new job work. It will be the best for the kids and for myself. My previous occupation was in a very high stress environment. If however, he falls through with his financial promise, then I will definitely go back to it.

Does that sound reasonable or am I being naive?

Sunnyva39, You asked the question why do I want him back. I know deep in my heart that it is over. We are just waiting for him to find a job before we finalize everything. However, I know that this person that I am dealing with now if NOT the man I feel in love with...it is some unbeliveable selfish alien who is operating on a brain the size of a pea.

Although, he was obviously not perfect when we feel in love, he had a HUGE, LOVING heart. We were that PERFECT couple with picture perfect kids/life to so many of our friends. I know that the fairy tale is over. I also know that he can not face looking our friends and neighbors in the face and seeing the disappointment...which is why I feel in my gut that he is searching hard to find a job out of state.

This whole experience has made me question whether or not I ever really knew him. I have dealt with a lot of emotions during this rollercoaster ride. However, just as I would never give up on my kids, deep down inside I have not given up on him. I have be praying for him to change. It is not happening...so I have to look out for me and the kids and not let him cause me anymore pain. So if a divorce is what he wants, a divorce is what he gets.

Although I say the words "a divorce is what he gets"...I am torn between being the one to file the papers. I feel that since this is his plan, he should do the filing. There is some part of me that is keeping me from initiating the paperwork. I have no problem working out the details with him now...but the thougth of actually being the one file has me in a knot. I feel that I would carry a load of guilt with me if I were to file. I am a fighter and feels that there is nothing that we can not overcome...even the infidelity problems he has introduced into this marriage. Since he has made it clear that he does not want to work on anything....I feel he should file. Although, we have not had the discussion on just who will actually file, it has been on my mind. I want to leave this marriage feeling as though I fought for it up until the end.

I welcome any feedback anyone has to offer.

Thanks.

[color:"blue"] Lady,

Have you tried yet to follow the MB principles?

Read the basic concepts section and the Q&A sections here. It would be well worth your time.

MB focuses on you changing yourself to be the best person that you can be. Also on how to identify and meet your spouses needs so that you are the one best able to satisfy your spouse.

Not to be a doormat. You have to also learn about and implement boundaries, because there is no marriage without mutual respect.

You can save your marriage. You can reawaken the feelings that your spouse once had for you.

V. [/color]

Sunny,

I have read and tried every plan identified on this web-site as well as another divorce related sites. I have been educating myself on mid-life crisis and how to rebuild your relationship material for over a year. I am very tired now. I have moved into the mode of just taking care of myself and the kids. There has been no change of heart in my husband. He is charging forward like a bull towards divorce.