Hello, I’m new in this forum.
I discovered 2 months ago (with proof) that my wife has an affair with a friend, who is the husband of her best friend (considered as?). (this couple was at that time one’s of our best friends, with their kids friends of our kids).
I have doubts since October, discussed with her, but with no success as she was in a kind of ‘euphoria’. I was really very afraid.
Her lover and his family moved far in January.

Before leaving, he organized a trip for my wife (gift) to come to their place during summer vacations and spend 3 three weeks with them. He said it was a gift for his wife and mine as they are very good friends. He smartly put pressure on her to not give her a chance to say no to the trip.

But 2 months ago I discovered proofs that I was looking for a long time.
Emails: he was describing how they made love, and so.
I was like dead!!! Worst day of my life…

With the proofs, the discussions with my wife started… deep I could say that we were re-discovering each other. She told me she was almost mad about the situation about the lies to me, and especially to her best friend, but recognized she had lot of emotions and desire in her affair.
She regrets a lot to have hurt me, but cannot regret to have met him.
She thinks he was first of all a friend, but I know he made lot of things to ‘own’ or ‘catch’ my wife.

My wife and mine are now so fragile, just strong when able to discuss and speak, because we will to build and go ahead. With time, speech, letters, words, things becomes better and better.
I read a lot, try to have empathy to be able to fill better her emotional needs.
I would like to have external help, but she is not ready to do that.

We have now to face the trip problem.
Her best friend (wife of her lover) doesn’t know, my wife doesn’t want to tell her, because she is afraid she will ask immediately for divorce and doesn’t want to be responsible for that. So, we spoke and my wife asked me to come with her.
I said yes, but few days ago I decided to stay home and not go, too risky for our couple, and we have to protect ourselves before the others, and not ready to forgive him, and lie to her best friend.

I let her free to go or not, she’d like to not go, but that would be very difficult to explain to her parents, friends, neighborhood, as all know that she received this gift. She decided finally to go.
She is, we are in a trap, and I don’t know how to escape?
I’m not really sure to keep the same love or willing to build if she goes, I don’t know what to do?
Sometimes I think if she really loves me she would stay and not go?

Any help, opinion are welcomed.
thanks

Hello,

I am so sorry for your pain. First, it is absolutely essential that you contact and inform the OM's wife. She has a right to know. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to know? The message you have given is that is was all right for him to betray friends without consequences. The comment that it will lead to divorce is bull. It is a way for your wife to protect herself from her actions without repercussions.
Second, there must be immediate no contact. It is absolute insanity to allow her to go on this trip. She has been having sex with this man and she does not want to hurt anybody's feelings for not going? What is wrong with this picture. I am sorry but you are doing everything wrong.

Again to repeat:
1) Contact the OM's wife immediately
2) Have her send a no contact letter to the OM and the wife
3) Absolutely under no circumstances should she go. If she goes that she is putting everybody ahead of her husband who she betrayed and put his health to risk.
4) Your wife should open her eyes. Allowing her to keep the secret from his wife and going on a trip to visit is insane. This OM was a predator who had sex with your wife at various times. Do you honestly think your wife would go along with this if the roles were reversed? I think this is a total dealbreaker. Please inform the OM's wife at once. It is very cruel of the both of you to keep this from her. You are now a partner in crime by withholding this information from her. Again if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you have expected her to inform you? Your wife simply does not wish to face the consequences of her actions and you are allowing her to continue in this deception.
How can you not see this? I wish you luck.

BL,

Welcome.

You have gotten good advice from Bryan. Let me add my vote to his:

Under no circumstance should your wife go on this trip.

Period.

That relationship - your wife's friendship with the OM'sW is over. Sorry. Sad. Very sad. But, it's over for good. This is one of the consequences of an A.

Your job, and your W's job now is to heal your relationship.

You say you're in a trap This 'trap' in in your minds only. There is NO real trap. There is only your marriage.

If one of you had leukemia, you wouldn't say, "Well, we'll go for chemo after the trip." You'd be on your way to get help.

This OM is a manipulative predator. He is using his W as bait to lure your W in.

Stand up for your M.

And, do the right thing for the OM'W. She needs to know, if only to correct the things she did wrong in her M, that made it vulnerable to an A.

Good luck.

I'm with Brian and Healing. You and your wife should be of one mind, and your marriage comes first. The exposure to the other man's wife is essential. The other man disrespected his own wife and your wife and you and your marriage. That woman deserves the dignity of making her own decision whether to stay married to her cheating husband.

Not telling her allows him to set up another victim - another vulnerable wife and friend of his wife. It also allows his own wife to be a victim in the future.

Your wife was a willing partner and she has destroyed the friendship with the wife of her lover. To accept the trip is to perpetuate that betrayal.

The last thing you both need to be thinking about is "What will the neighbors think?" Trying to maintain secrecy at the expense of your marriage and your integrity plays along with the OM's manipulation.

Come up with a statement for anyone who knows about the trip, a generic thing, something without any lies, and stop trying to cover for that man. If worst comes to worst, and the truth leaks out, is that more important than rebuilding your marriage?

For anyone who presses you for more information, be prepared with a response that says you hope they will respect your privacy and that you don't want to divulge your business, thank them for caring, and ask them to pray for both of you as a way of support.

Help I need advice???? I am new to this site, but almost everything Dr. Harley has to say I have said so many other times to my husband who just ignored what I had to say. The emotional needs, the "I have time for everyone else (job) but you" etc works an average of 48 to 50 highly stressed hrs. a week (salaried not hourly paid). Doesn't do much around the house, I do most all of it. The 10 reasons why women leave article, I could have written my self. After he read some of the things Dr. Harley had to say laughing along the way, he did say that Dr. Hadley made some good points after he finished some of the aricles. Anyway about the infidelity, I need that forum desprestly. I left last night (moved out) Not only do we have emotional problems, yes we have pornagraphic problems in our marriage. After being married for 15 years, he finally stopped with the videos, magazines, internet when our daughter turned 12 and became inerested in the computer. But after giving him a choice in 1991 and 1998 either me or the porn, he would tell me what I wanted to hear, but never gave it up. (many other incidents where I caught him along the way for the 13 years it went on, but those where the ones where I really was ready to leave) or was I. I stayed, even though he repeatedly lied for 13 years saying he wasn't doing it. Last night he admited he didn't stop for me, he stopped (if he really did?) for our daughter. (She also had found porn, magazines in his car. He would carry them around in his car, at work, etc. ) He said he stopped the internet porn for her because she is innocent, not for me I and not innocent. Also he never once would tell me I was his #1 priority, always work #1 M-F, then me/family, then it changed to work #1 from time I get there to time I leave and family. I feel like I have been forcing him to do things all of his life. Forcing him to give up the porn(which he really never did for me and he admitted it) forcing him to come home from work after a 10 hour day, forcing him to be involved with our daughter,(he was not involved with our son very much, they are not very close) if I ever did get an
apology, (very rarely) it was because I had to state exactly why, very precisely, where there was no way he could make an excuse not to apoligize. Again anyway, for 13 years after all the promises to give up the porn, all the tears, all the hurt feelings, all the lies, all the ignoring of my feelins about porn and priorites, he says those lies don't count (porn), that was 2 years agoin the past. Last night he also threaten to lie if porn came up in court and say I had a heroin and coccain addition. Then he said that I was sick,depressed, bored, our 14 year old daughter was driving me crazy and I need to go see a physciotrist. Side notes - we had a great sex life, very exciting, we have always had a great sexual desire for eachother. I thinks thats what kept me there, he did make me feel loved in that way, but sadly not in any other. He also is a good financial provider, I don't work, after 10 years of working, when my son 6 and our daughter was born I stayed home with the kids. I did go back to shcool when she started school and recievd my associated degree, worked this year as a substitute teacher, and wated to start int he fall to get a teaching degree. (I had very little helpw with anything domestic, while I was working or going to school) So what to do, leave, stay, divorce? After I read Dr. Hadleys aritcles and I look back at the porn, the way he has treated me over the years. He did admit on Sunday that he maybe had been emotional neglectful, but no apolgy, just was really nice the rest of the day. So the porn, the neglect, he never ever made me feel like #1 or never ever told me I was #1 without sharing that spot with his carrer. It's like I was dumb I believed him when he told me what I wanted to hear about the porn, but he tells me the truth about his priorities and I am so dumb I cna't believe what he is saying can be true? He says the porn does not matter since he hasn't done it in 2 years. (Although I did catch him downloading some porn to a disk 6 months ago.) I made him destroy it. Did he ever really love me?????????? Is he capable of loving me as in Dr. Harley's articles?

Tell her she has two choices.....1. Stay Home and remain married and lose a friend who is basically moved away. or 2. Lose a Husband and still lose the friend, for you will tell her and anybody else shes cares aboout. She knew the risks when she started this. And lets face it she couldn't have been that close of a friend if she went and had an affair with her husband.

I would like to thank all of you for your advice.

That helped me a lot.
There is no more trip.
I told her that I'm going to write to the OM'wife, she asked me to let her write the letter as she doesn't want to betray her any more. she wrote and sent the letter (and asked me to read it before) and she called her two weeks after by phone.
We explained that to the neighbors, and our parents with only a part of the truth, and that's OK for now.

This first step, it's a relief for me ... we have now a lot to do together to stay stronger.

Thanks you

bluelake,

I don't know if you're still reading here but you should not have let your WW send the letter nor call the OMW.Are you absolutely certain,being privy to all that was said and actually shown the letter being put into a mailbox,that all this was done?

You should not have given your WW a heads up on exposing the A to the OMW.Betraying her friend anymore by having her write the letter and supposedly sending it makes no sense.And the call? Did you actually know for sure that she was talking to the OMW? Did you hear anything? This was her manipulating the situation and unless you come back and update us,I would be willing to guess the OMW still doesn't know.

Can you give an update?

O