Hello,

It was suggested that I move my thread from the Just Found Out forum over to this one. Not sure how to do that, so I am starting this thread. The background is in the Just Found Out forum, subject: Caught Last Saturday...

Short synapsis: Caught my W at the OM's house on 6-11-05. The A began 12-7-04. I became aware through her cell phone bill in early February. She denied that it was physical and promised to end it. She did not and I found more calls. More promises to end it. Then, on a hunch, I went to the OM's house when she did not return home on time. Found her car in the driveway and a loud, gut-wrenching confrontation ensued. More details are in the other thread.

Today: She is struggling with withdrawal and misses the OM very much. I am trying to eliminate all LB's and just listen to her feelings without judging. She says that she loves me, is sorry that she has hurt me and that she does not want to lose her family. She is resentful of the lack of trust and feels that her every move is under a microscope. She chafes at having to account for her time each day. Yet, she acknowledges that it was her actions that put her in this place.

I am struggling each day with all-consuming thoughts of the A. She has told me that it was not really about sex but about escaping the chaos of our life together. She says that she found "peace" when she was with the OM. I am crushed, begin reduced to tears almost daily. I constantly worry about what she is doing and obsess about what she has done.

This site has been amazing. I have no close friends or family nearby and so this is becoming a big part of my support system (and I need a lot of support right now).

F4L

Don't trust that she has NC with OM... She should be an open book and answer all questions regarding where she is spending her time.

It will be hard for a few months yet, so be prepared.

How can we help you?

Pep

With so much ahead of me, I know that I am going to need reassurance and validation of my instincts. I have so many questions about doing what is right for my M. It is my hope that those with more experience will offer wisdom and hope.

1. Is OM married?

2. If he is, does his wife know about the affair?

3. Do they work together?

4. How did they come to know each other?

5. Did any of her friends facilitate the affair by covering for your wife's lies?

6. What part did you play in any breakdown in your marriage pre-affair?

Pep

Answers to your questions (and more):

1. Is OM married?

No. He has a 3 yo son from a previous, non-married relationship. I have learned from discussions with my wife that he was agonizing about the A and concerned about the pain that disclosure would cause his parents with whom he is trying to rebuild a relationship.

This raises an interesting point. My W was telling me how she and the OM had often discussed the pain and turmoil that the A would cause in the respective families. When I pointed out to my W that the OM really did not have as much to lose as she, i.e. no spouse, no children at home, etc. she reacted as though she had not thought of it in that way before.

When she mentioned that his parents would be very hurt I replied that I was sure they would, but that would likely forgive him pretty easily, that's what parents do for their children. I detected some tiny realization in her that perhaps it was not a relationship with equal risk; that indeed, she had much more to lose than he. I don't think she liked that thought. I think that she saw them as two tortured lovers agonizing equally over the impact of their affair.

2. If he is, does his wife know about the affair?

See above. I am considering disclosure to his parents. I know how to contact them. I am wrestling with whether or not this desire comes from vengeance; wanting to cause him some pain/consequence as I perceive that he has little compared to me. What do you think I should do?

3. Do they work together?

No.

4. How did they come to know each other?

My W went out alone on her birthday for a drink at a bar in a neighboring town. Unusual behavior; she was freaking out about turning 39 and in a real funk. They met at the bar. She tells me that he was the only one there not hitting on her and in fact running interference for her with some of the other men. I don't know if she went home with him that night (and I'm not sure I want to know). I do know from cell phone records that the first call from him came the next day. I don't know when it became sexual.

My W now says if only she had called me and asked me to meet her for that drink... yeah... if only...

5. Did any of her friends facilitate the affair by covering for your wife's lies?

She has admitted that one of her coworkers knew of the A and that the coworker counseled her to end it. My W led the coworker to believe the A was over when it was not. I know of no one else who knew of the A.

6. What part did you play in any breakdown in your marriage pre-affair?

Long answer...

I'm sure that I played a large part. Things were not perfect but I thought that they were stable. I had been miserable in my job for about 2 years. I was often in a foul mood and had taken to drinking a little in the evening. Definitely not a perfect mate. I admit this and have been/continue to work on myself to be a better partner. I have a new job that I like very much. Still, my W was very supportive of me during my struggles with the job. I did not see the anger building in her.

Two weeks before the A started I was unexpectedly fired from my job due to a downturn in business. My wife tells me that in the begining of the A she was so very angry at me for staying in the job for so long and being miserable. She said that when I found a new job I acted like "OK, crisis over, let's be happy", but she was not. She was still angry at me for the misery.

However, I feel that when I needed her most, when I lost the job and was at my personal low point, she abandoned me and started an A. Two crushing blows in a month, one from the person that I trusted most.

There have pretty much always been sexual issues in our marriage. A bit of a mismatch in levels of desire between us. Honestly, I felt that prior to the affair we had reached an equilibrium on the issue and that, even with the job related stress, our M was moving into a different phase where sex was a less important component. I felt that we had real trust and respect for each other, even if the passion was fading a bit.

Also I have a HUGE emotional need for affection. I see this in myself and I am working to understand the source of this need. In my other posts I have talked about my frustration with her reluctance to show physical signs of affection (she is not a touchy-feely person). I can't help but think "It just takes a small thing, virtually no effort on her part, just hold my hand, hug me, kiss me for no reason once in a while, anything. She knows how I need it, why won't she do just one little thing just because it makes me happy?"

F4L

This seems hard to believe. It sounds like it was already going on and that was a good excuse.

But I suppose that is beside the point.

Susan

I'm very impressed by your candor.

You've obviousely thought this through quite a bit.

You seem to have a grasp on reality that many BS seem to lose after D day. Good for you.

What is your current plan of action? You're working Plan A, right?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I have scoured her cell phone records, their primary method of contact and have found no unusual activity prior to that incident.

Definitely working Plan A. Really hard to stay non-judgemental and just listen, but I'm hanging in there. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and just have to cry. At those times I find an alone spot and let it out. I really try not to show anything but love and compassion to her.

I have a real dilemma tonight. She has to take her brother to the airport for a red-eye flight. She will have to drive right by the exit for the OM's house. Last time she went that way was the day that I caught her there. With the kids at home I may not be able to go with her, leaving her alone on the way home, late at night and "in the neighborhood". I am really worried that the temptation to stop and "check on him" will be too great for her to resist. What should I do?

Could you offer to take her brother to the airport for her and let her stay home with the kids?

How old are the kids?

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to the MB forum! You are among warm, understanding people who have been there and back again. I hope that you retyurn often.

i am a newbie here. I am currently practicing Plan A. I am not as experienced as other members, but still have a couple of comments to make.

First of all, it is good that you are realizing what mistakes you were making that contributed to a marriage that was less than satisfying for both partners...BUT you are not responible for your wife's affair! An affair is the cruelest, most selfish, and absurd way of dealing with conflict in a marriage possible... other than just shooting you dead, anyway.

Secondly, emotional needs are nothing to apoligize for! That is what makes us both human and humane. You needn"t appologize for your need for affection. How ridiculous! Emotional needs are a beautiful thing and how satisfying it can be to fulfill them for your life partner!


You seem to already sense that you were not fulfilling your wife's needs for financial support and sexual fulfillment. Have you read His needs, Her Needs? I can highly recommend it! Once you can recognize your partner's emotional needs, their importance, and how you can make them a romatic act of love, suddenly the burden of fulfilling these needs can become joyous.

We all know how spirals will continue in a positive or negative direction.

The paradox of recovering your marriage is that the victim is actually the stronger partner and it is up to you to inspire your partner to recover and improve the marriage.

Like you said, hard work ahead.

Many warm, sisterly hugs!!!

DD is 17; DS is 9

I could take her brother to the airport but I know that she wants to see him off (they are very close). My DD could handle her brother for the evening, I suppose. Unless she already has other plans.

I know that my W is going to not be happy about my not letting her go alone; she really resent being under the microscope. In spite of admitting that she put herself there.

Thanks Lost.

My need for affection frustrates my W as she is just not the type for casual gestures. She senses my disappointment when she doe snot respond to an act of affection on my part and is frustrated by it. Just as I can't see why she won't do such simple, loving things for me; she can't see why I can't see why she is not the type of person to do that. I just keep thinking, if she loves, why is she so unwilling to make such simple gestures? If for no other reason that they make me happy. I would do the same for her anytime.

I have a copy of HNHN from the library and will start reading it tonight. I am looking forward to learning more about her needs and how I can better identify and meet them.

That sounds like a good plan to me.

And yes, she did put herself in the position.

Susan

So my concern about the trip to the airport was resolved; my W took my DD with her.

She told me last night that she really misses the friendship with the OM. She said that she wished it didn't have to be all or nothing with him. She repeated that they had ended the sexual part of their relationship the week before I found her at his home and that on the day that I caught her there they had not had sex but were only talking. She still feels a desire to talk to him.

I listened, did not judge and even, bizarrely, allowed that perhaps someday, when our relationship is more solid and if we both agree, that a friendship might be possible. I can't see that really happening, of course.

Just gently remind her that you would never be able to trust the friendship between them again. And that the emotional effort that she spent on her relationship with him was withdrawn from your marriage...that eventually, you hope to fulfill that need of conversation for her YOURSELF.

My wife too wanted to keep her OM as "just friends"...but there was no way that I was willing to let that happen. And in truth, it took several months for her to get to the point where she could admit that the 'just friends' thing would have never worked out. Once you cross that line, there is NO going back to what it was before.

This is exactly what I told her; I want to be the one to fill that need. I think she knows in her heart that it is extremely unlikely that I could be comfortable with any contact with the OM.

I noticed your sig, it says "NC-(after a few tries)". I think about what I will do if she does have a weak moment and attempts contact with the OM. How did you handle it?

Again, my case was a little different. My wife had an online EA...so the majority of their contact was online, with some phone conversations in the last month or so.

Basically, on d-day when I confronted her with chat logs between the two of them, he purchased plane tickets for her to go live with him (although they had NEVER met in person!). She moved into a motel for a few days while waiting for the flight. That last day, I went to her motel and talked, and he called her, could tell that she was having some second thoughts, and told her not to come.

That ended the EA, and was when the really hardcore withdrawl started. Her withdrawl was hard for about 3-4 weeks, during which time we started MC. (I didn't know about MB at that time, and didn't know about their principles...but I was doing a good facsimile of Plan A without knowing what it was). And during this month or so, every week, they'd claim to break off contact, and then one or the other would IM or email the other. I found out many months later that they'd also shared two VERY short phone calls during this time...about 1 minute each.

We went through a 2 1/2 week period of NC, during which my wife made her choice to work on reconciling our M. Then OM emailed her again. She showed me it immediately...but then 'accidentally' copied him on funny page she sent out the next day. He responded, and I saw the response as I'd started checking her emails again.

I asked her about it, and we had a HUGE fight. It was then that she finally sent him an NC letter...which SHE violated a few days later by sending him a Father's day e-card. HE responded back telling her that he was going to respect her wish to work on our marriage...and there has been no further contact for the last year now.

It was still several months before she could realize and understand why they couldn't have 'remained friends'. It's a hard battle, and it takes time.

It is a hard battle. It is so hard to see her missing him and I want so much to ease her pain. I am not accustomed to denying my wife much of anything and so I actually find myself entertaining ideas of how she might contact him to ease her mind while not doing any more damage. Clearly not the right thing to do, but I hate to see her so sad and I worry that she may not be strong enough to fight this battle for our M.