I recently found some letters that my so called "friend" wrote to my husband. She loved him and all of his funny "quirks" and how could he cancel on her for the 14th and the problems her and her husband have. I almost threw up when I found it. When I confronted my H he told me everything but that they never kissed or touched. He said it began very innocently but that he suddenly found himself thinking of her all of the time. Apparently she felt the same way. They were suppose to go away back in April 14th to be together. But he says he came to his senses and that he loved me and told her that he couldn't do that to me or our son. G** it hurts so bad. I love my H and will fight for him but now I look back on things and see things that were not so obvious to me then. The way he would hang on her every word (like he did when were new) and would tell her about US! She would show up at my house with her son when I wasn't home. I confronted her about the "affair" and she basically said the exact same thing he did. What really pisses me off is that he insists on being friends with her too. He says it ended in April and they have been friends ever since. I told him I would prefer that they didn't see each other AT ALL but since they work with each other what was I to do? I told him IF he insists on being friends with her that I need to know about every phone call, meeting whatever...I need to know. I also told her that If I even suspected that they were having an affair or thinking about it that I would tell her husband everyting.

I will fight for my marriage because I love my husband and I don't think he did anything BUT when does that trust come back? When does that resentment go away? It hurts knowing that he had feelings for her although he says it was never love then what was it?

Here is the real kicker ...apparently the other day she told him that she was really sad about losing me as a friend and that she wants to be friends again!!! YEAH RIGHT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Help
N

Hi, I am sure others will encourage you to read the information on the website. There are a lot of good articles and things you will want to do.

Considering this sounds like a fairly serious emotional affair your husband needs to stop all contact with her. It's your friend, you have stopped contact, but he finds it necessary to maintain contact. Sounds off balance, doesn't it?

You will want to read the information where it discusses no contact with the affair partner and I encourage you to do that.

I know exactly what you are going through. I just found out my wife of 10 years had (or is still having) an emotional affair with a co-worker of hers.
Finding out devastated me but what hurts me the most is that she promised on everything sacred to her that she didn't know where he lived and had never been to his house but I found out that was a lie! And to top it all off she too still wants to be his friend and can't understand why I'm so uncomfortable with that (alright I'm dead set agains't it!!!). They NEVER had sex so she didn't see it as an affair. All the secret phone calls, text messages, evening bike rides to help her sleep better (which I found were actually rides to his house, she was never there long, but she was there) It seems to me she values his "friendship" more than our marraige.
I also still love my wife and want to work through this tough time. I know that I haven't been the best husband but I've never thought I would have to worry who she's with, what she's doing, etc. Before we got married she said she'd leave me in a heart beat if I was ever unfaithful and I told her never to worry about that because I had done that to another girlfriend of mine and couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without getting sick of what I was seeing. I never meant for it to happen; I was talking to a friend of this girlfriend for relationship advice (bad move I should have been talking to my girlfriend), we were going through a bad spell but I kept it a secrect from her. Then one day I'm walking out of the friends house wondering what the H-E-double-L I just did! I felt so bad and remorseful I went straight home and confessed. That was the end of that relationship and I could never live with myself if I did that again and I haven't.
I don't really have any words of comfort except that you are not alone. I know how badly you feel; the level of trust that is just gone; the anger, the wondering. I'll be pulling for you and I hope you'll be pulling for me.
My thoughts are with you!

Of course they still want to be friends with them. It's called 'having your cake and eating it'. I have been through all of this too. My H had an 'emotional affair' with a co-worker and when I found out he said they would only speak about business. A couple of months later I found out that when I was away on a business trip, he had called her almost non-stop. He eventually agreed to stop calling/SMSing. The final straw came when I checke his e-mail and found a deleted e-mail in the wastebin from her. It was very close and full of innuendo. At that point I hit the roof and he realised that either he stopped any relationship with her, or it was off with us.

The point is: they will do whatever you let them away with. I am very cynical now and I don't like saying this but I would take it with a pinch of salt that it was an EA. I found out almost a year later that it was physical too. I had had a bad feeling about it for a long time but my H's response was always 'How could we have done anything? We were at work". Well, after much digging I found out that a quick lunch break is enough, as long as you can find somewhere quiet to drive to. In both your cases, the WS's have been to the OP's house. I would be very suspicious, especially about the evening bike rides.

Don't want to make you feel worse but you don't get anywhere until you know the whole truth. In these cases the WS has ways of manipulating the BS in feeling that their demands are unreasonable. Don't buy it. State very clearly what needs to be done in order for you to consider staying in the marriage.

Get yourself and your H into some real counseling immediately. This same sitch could easily happen again and since your H has already had 1 EA, the next one c/b PA sooner. The EA is always the harder kind to break. Your H's sitch came real close to being hooked. It is a good thing it was cut off but let him know you do not feel safe with any contact with the OW.

The OW in your sitch has shown her wackiness by expecting you all t/b friends. You need to realize she wants to manipulate you as well as your H. Know that if she doesn't get her way, she could very well turn psycho on both of you.

Try t/d the following:

1. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. W. Harley.

2. Both take the EN questionnaire located in the concepts section above.

3. Work on spending 15 hours a week of quality 'couple time'.

4. Call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling or meet with an MC familar with MB principals.

take care,
L.

How r u doing?

L.

Confused, hurt, taking one day at a time. Saw her today and used all my might not to say anything or doing anything since I had my small son with me. Just put on the stepford wife face and answered her "how are you". I have to say she has guts to even talk to me. My son knows her so I had to put on the act.

Seeing her just brought all of the anger up. My H and I are working things out he is so apolgetic and knows what he could lose but how do you get that trust back. I hate that I have become a synic about love now. I hate that I saw a bride and groom the other day and wanted to yell don't do it. I hate that my H made me HATE someone. That is not me.

Nickle,

U R right on targer with your feelings. Trust is one of the last recovery items to fix.

Please read my recommendations. It is still important you both get good MC time. Read those books I suggested. His Needs/Her Needs are what you both need to read. Call Steve H @ MB for phone counseling. U both need a recovery plan. More important than you may realize.

L.

Teel her H right now- give him the letters. That will end the friendship. You must do this.

Friends? Don't believe it for a second. Expose, expose, expose. Make sure anyone that matters knows what they're up to. What did my wife say..."Can't I just have one friend?" Well, she ended up sleeping with him and we're fighting to keep our family together.

Your husband will tell you anything to keep his cozy life, you must expose the entire thing immediately, and damn whoever doesn't like it. If he's worth a flip he'll be desperately emabarrassed and maybe angry, tough for him. You are in the right, you don't deserve this, he must straighten up.

I almost waited too long to save my marriage. Don't make the same mistake. Be aggressive and good luck.

Take it from someone who's been in your shoes - it's a big giant load of BS. Here's why:

1. It doesn't matter if there is anything "wrong" with their "friendship" right now. If he doesn't care enough about your feelings to end the "friendship" that is deeply hurting you, you have a SERIOUS problem in that alone.

2. There IS something wrong with their "friendship". Friends don't put friends at risk of losing their families, etc. Anyway, since when did her friendship with him become so much more important than her friendship with you? She obviously doesn't know the meaning of friendship after what she did to you, her "friend". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

3. Mark my words - if he does not start working elsewhere and stop all contact, one day, you will find yourself reading notes much worse, walking in on them in bed, hearng him say he loves you but is not in love with you and wants out or is confused. Yet it will have "nothing to do with her, his "friend".

4. If you do not insist RIGHT NOW that he cease all contact, you will feel as though you are playing second fiddle to her indefinitely. You are also enabling them to destroy all of your lives. If this "friendship" continues, eventually it will destroy your marriage.

5. If they were "just friends" they wouldn't be so attached to each other that they would risk their families for their "friendship". Would you do that for any of your friends? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

6. Although he may have had a moment of clarity in cancelling thwe trip, she obviously waould have gone through with it. SHE HAS AND PROBABLY STILL HAS EVERY INTENTION OF SLEEPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND.

7. Put yourself in their shoes: what would you do if you wanted to continue an affair, be it emotional or physical, yet were not willing to leave your family at this point? You would claim that there is nothing going on so that you could continue with the least amount of acountability or disruption. You would also use that to turn things around on your spouse, accusing him/her of being ridiculous, controlling, suspicious, crazy, unreasonable, etc. You would claim you have a RIGHT to be friends with whoever you want...

please EXPOSE!!!!! Make numerous copies of the letter/s. Give them to her husband, his boss, your pastor, etc.

You have now entered a life or death srtuggle. If you back down now and accept any excuses, you will live to regret it, that I can promise you.