I've been trying to do this. I've seen my H leave when I initially confronted about the A. I've heard him tell me over and over that he "loves me but not in that way", the way a husband should love his wife. I've heard him tell me he never stopped caring for me.

This week I've seen him twice and both times we've ended up in bed. Both times it's been great, better than it's been in a long while. (my IC says it's because he doesn't have any commitment to me, though I'm not sure that's right, but who knows) Last time I saw him was Tuesday night. Greeted him with a hug and a quick kiss. The hug felt SOO good. I couldn't help it, but I started to cry. Nothing big and dramatic, just tears. He kept holding me and wiping away the tears while we talked. I told him how scared I was to be losing him. I told him how much I love him and how I still believe in us. We talked about him. He told me he's giving me all he can right now. I tell him about my fears that I've lost and she's won. He says there's nothing between them anymore. We talk more, I cry more, he keeps wiping the tears away. I would walk away to get a tissue and he would follow me, and hold me again. Things started getting passionate and I asked him to stay the night. He said he wouldn't. He said he couldn't, that where he is staying now is his home and he needs to go there every night. I of course think it's because he has to talk to the OW or something similar. I just don't trust him at all any more. I hate it. He stays for a few hours, but ultimately he does leave.

He plays on a softball team and I asked if he would mind if I came to watch this week. He said that would be good. I am thinking that perhaps we are moving forward.

Today, I check up on him. I see that he's put an ad out on an adult website for "discreet, possible meeting" etc. I decide to confront him. I tell him I was ok with him looking at porn, but when I saw that it became an ad, I couldn't tolerate it. He says in order to view this particular stuff you have to make a profile and that's what I saw. He gets FURIOUS and tells me he can't live like this and will not have me attacking him at every turn. He's done, he says, he will not go to see an MC and that he is going to file. Then he hangs up on me.

I call him back, and he answers. After a very long argument, discussion, outpouring of emotion (on my part anyway) he finally agrees to see a MC again - just once. But he feels that I've attacked him and tried to ruin him with all the exposing. He said, "you'll never learn will you?" He's accused me of saying things to others that I have not said or done. He doesn't believe me - period. He says at this point he cannot see us ever repairing the damage we've done to each other. He says get a D now and maybe see if sometime later we can try again. I tell him no, I won't do that. I keep telling him that I'm trying to meet him half way but I feel like he's not even taking a step. I ask him how am I supposed to feel when you give me nothing? You tell me you are almost 100% certain it's over, but you still come back. He says he still wants to know me after the D. I tell him I don't think that's going to be possible. I couldn't take seeing him with another woman, going after dreams we once had. I tell him, it's all or nothing.

He says when he left on D-Day that he was only half certain it was over but that my actions put him to 100%.

I am crushed right now and feel like I've made a HUGE mistake in confronting and exposing. I don't think at this point I can do anything to repair the damage that's been done. I'm feeling very hopeless and scared.

Help.

Stop,

I am new here and not able to give the good advice that you will get from some of the other members, but I do want to say that from everything I have read on this site and in this forum, you did the right thing with exposing. Try not to second-guess yourself. And definitely do not allow yourself to feel guilt for exposing your WS's A.

On another note, I am going through a similar ordeal with porn and personal ads - although my DH did not create a profile from what I can tell. I am not sure what your faith is, if any, but in God's eyes, porn is just another type of adultery. Think of it this way - what is the difference between him going to OW for SF and looking at porn sites for SF? Either way - he is removing your ability to provide all of the SF in his life.

I will pray for you as I pray for myself.

((((((((((StopTheWorldPls))))))))))

Stop, the purpose of confronting and exposing is to make the affair/behavior so uncomfortable that the WS eventually gives it up. When you do this, it's not realistic to expect an award and a kiss from the WS, but rather their FURY for interfering in their nasty little fantasy. You can't expect him to be happy about confrontation or exposure, Stop, that is just unrealistic.

WS' are always angry as hell when you interfere with their little set up, so can just expect that. They will say and do anything to scare you into stopping it. But, they don't mean it. They get over their anger real quick. The important thing to remember is that your marriage will recover from some temporary anger from exposure, it won't recover from an affair. And exposure is the most effective tool in hastening the end of the affair.

So, don't let his anger scare you off, Stop. It is part and parcel of the necessary process to end the affair.

P.S. I would stop pressuring him to go to MC. That has just become a test of wills over something that is a complete waste of time.

what plan are you in...

if you are in plan a it is not about relationship talk..
no huge emotional interactions...though I realize that they are unaviodable....be wary of these and the smoke screen they can cause in avoiding the real issues...

I tell him I was ok with him looking at porn, but when I saw that it became an ad, I couldn't tolerate it.

what does this sentence mean...

1. are you really OK with him looking at porn...(and please note..I have no opinion on this EXCEPT that during this time it is very important that a BS words are TRUE and have meaning.....TRUTH and WORDS THAT HAVE MEANING are two things that WS lack...and you the BS are the role model of these things...

WS say lots of things they don't mean....which leads to untrustworthyness...very very important that one of the two speaks the truth and means the truth....

Only tell your WS that it is OK for them to do this (or that) if YOU really really mean it....

don't ever give your consent on something you don't mean..
cause from this moment on it is unfair of you to tell him that his viewing of porn is not OK....

I just want you to be clear on what you told him...

next..

what does I couldn't tolerate mean...
what is your plan
what is your action
again your words must have meaning.....

He says in order to view this particular stuff you have to make a profile and that's what I saw.

so is this sentence true...for if it is and you give permission for him to view...and this is the only way he can view...then perhaps you two together poja the personal AD..

is there a way to block and not receive any replies..
is he willing to write such a stupid ad that NO ONE in their right mind would reply etc.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

see what role you play in this
see the mixed messages you give...

I say this only to you because you post here...

don't powerstruggle post divorce relationships...that's
futile...

plan a no relationship talk
plan a no emotional tangos
plan a YOU not always being Soooo available to his cake-eating...time to mix it up and spread your independant wings a little...

ARK

Well, I thought I was working Plan A, but it's obvious to me that I'm not doing a good job of it. I didn't understand that Plan A was about no relationship talk.

As far as looking at porn, it is true that I really have no issues with it. The issue that I have is when it becomes interactive. For that I mean, it's not just a picture, but a live person on the other side where communication occurs. I believe that communication should be between me and my H. That behaviour is what I could not and can not tolerate.

As for my plan, honestly, at this point I don't have one. He has complete control of our lives at this moment. I know from what all you good folks have said that I have given that to him. I know in my heart as well. I do not know how to get back control of my life. I am going to IC and maybe that's helping, I'm not really feeling it at the moment.

When you say to plan a no relationship talk, what do you mean by that?

I am not concerned about being so available to him anymore as I don't think he'll be interested in me any further. His anger last night seemed pretty final to me. Maybe in the light of today he'll see things differently, but how will I know if he doesn't ever tell me and I'm not supposed to talk about the relationship?

I am done checking up on him though. That much I am sure of. It is only causing me more pain, hurt and further distancing of my WH.

Thank you for your viewpoints, everyone. I think I am really needing some good ol'fashioned straight talk right now, even if it's hard.

Let me just say to all you newly BS out there: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WORK ANY OF THIS USING ONLY THIS WEBSITE! It's not enough. Go, NOW, and get the book, "Surviving An Affair," by Drs W. Harley and J. Harley Chalmers. Then, read it.

I mistakenly thought I had all the information I needed to work this out, boy was I ever wrong. I got the book today after ordering it off this website. I've been LB'ing ALL OVER the place. No wonder things are worse.

I realize now that I have been attacking him with Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements and Selfish Demands (at the very least).

I'm only half way through the book right now and I'm sure I'll be re-reading. My only hope at this point is that I didn't wait too long and that I didn't cause irrepairable(sp?) damage to our relationship.

I love my husband, but my actions have only helped him turn to the OW and get all his EN's met. He's had plenty to talk about with me acting crazy. She's had plenty of opportunity to deposit even more LUs into his bank - all without even having to TRY!

Get the book, this website is good but it is by no means a replacement for the excellent information you can learn from the book.

(ok, getting off my soapbox now...)

plan a no relationship talk...

what are we going to do about us
when are you coming back
i need you to agree to working on things...
etc
etc
etc

all doomed to fail.

scary for the BS whose WS comes back because of "ulitimatums" the whole relationship is now set up to be based on control and force..

you made me give up the OP
you made me come home
wah wah wah ....

want the WS attention?? act not so interested in what is going to happen
seek no garuntees..
EXPECT nothing....

let them bring up some part of the relationship and let the BS blow it off a little....
a little too busy to talk right then....

leave em wondering
leave em guessing
and leave them tasteing the tiniest bit of bitterness that the BS in NOT waxing and pining for their return...and is NOT sitting exactly where the WS believes they set them when they are off with the OP....

and you are correct that these OPINION boards are NO replacement for counsel...

ARK

Thanks ark, you and Melody are so right. It's pointless to even bother with the relationship talk right now. Like Melody said in another thread, I'm acting as if he's a sane person.

I am standing firm in Plan A right now. Now that I have a better grasp of just what the heck it really means! Sometimes, I'm just so thick.

Keep knocking, I'm listening...