Ok here I am 3 or 4 weeks at the best out from giving birth - maybe even next week -
I have lost weight but feel so hungry , which is not unexpected its been the same for all our kids like this…………. But this big one has been so heavy and I’m exhausted., tired, worn out , anxious and I feel like I want to just scream & cry.

This is the first time in weeks I have felt ok for any time. I thank God for our two kids who have been so good to me and their dad. They help out they cook & clean ..for teenagers we have hit the jackpot … if they have their odd selfish hissy fit well,. they are young people after all just about 19 & 18 …and yes I do remember those days .oh was I a little b*tch ..poor Mum & dad …..lol they think ours are two saints - Wellllll not sure about that but they are good.

Well then where do I start …. My husband is home but not MY husband, not all the time………I know that’s strange to say but its true.

I’m not sure how to put this into words but here I go anyway.

There has been no SF since he got home not because he did not want it or that I was not willing but that I have been in a lot of pain with the bubs and when I felt ok he wasn’t or vice versa.

That’s one problem.

Since hes been home hes very remote in many ways and its like living & sleeping with a stranger who you are not sure of. He makes me uneasy and I’m not sure why.

There are times when he looks at me and I see the flash of the old H I used to know come through in the cheeky grin and smart-[censored] comment …and then all too often I see this … well… scary savage intense ‘thing’ looking out from my H eyes….that is what it feels like.

Hes not as actively restless as the last time but that may be because he is hurt still but he sleeps little, stares up at the ceiling & reassures me when I feel unwell and the bubs is a bugger or I cant get much rest. Hes there for me and I’m unable to help him at all.
And I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve spoken to my Dad a veteran, and h’s brother and my sisters our IC/MC, his BIL who’s in the airforce, No one has any quick answers.
IC/MC said its not unusual and shes surprised hes been as together as he is.

How much of this am I to blame? Did my affair destroy a safety net he had with me ? I don’t know.

He does not appear unhappy, I guess the problem is he does not appear to much of anything …other than being a pain in the butt for the medics - maybe that’s a good sign .
He was drinking a lot, hes stopped generally except for tonight hes gone to the pub with his mates & I think it does him good.
He says he does not believe in much of anything that it doesn’t matter what happens to him anymore.

I have no idea of what hes thinking or wants or needs for us to do…… the moment I ask a question he cuts me off and says don’t worry about that now. But that’s so hard.

The baby, the diabetes , his pain & anger everything just seems too much right now. .I feel so lost
I want him to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be ok, but which H will I be getting,……….,mine or the ‘other’ one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

{{{AW}}}, sorry you are struggling so much. I truly believe from "talking" to A2 that you two have not fully recovered from the A yet. That said though, he loves you and is obviously excited about the bubs. You have not had IMHO enough time together to heal. First the pregnancy and then him being shipped out again. AW, I KNOW it will come in time. Having an H with PTSD and injuries on top of a difficult pg is a lot for anyone to deal with. I think once the baby is born things will smooth out a bit (laughing to myself cuz having a newborn around is not easy either).

You two are in my prayers.

thats makes a lot of sense faithful.
I wish I could do more for him though, its almost physically painful to see him hurt so much.
I want my baby, I want my H and I want our M even if I dont deserve it.

AW - Of course you deserve your marriage and husband.

You two have had one thing after another happen. Please hang in there, and give yourselves time together. It would be crazy to expect Aussie to come home and be perfectly normal.

I know it hurts to see him like he is, but I really don't think you can help him too much, except by being there for him.

He is a riot on Idiotville, and keeps everyone entertained.

As you remember, recovery takes time for people, let alone when you throw going to war several times in the midst of it.

Things will get better.

Baloney! Major 2x4! You do deserve your marriage!

You are both so incredibly overwhelmed by all this stuff that I'm impressed you're getting along as well as you are.

Most of what you're stressing about can't be changed. Give it up for now.

Dobie

AW, you're not whining, Hon. And even if you were, you'd have every right to, being so pregnant!!!

I haven't talked to A2 as FF has, but I am not surprised at his actions. He's probably feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. The man's been through a lot. That's in no way to say he is harboring any deep feelings of angst towards you, necessariy; just that you and he both have a lot of healing to do and that it will be difficult with a new baby, his fresh arrival and the brutal experiences of his Service. It is a lot for any man to deal with, without the History that you two have.

When my H has been feeling overwhelmed lately, he immediately becomes this Other Husband of which you speak . . .it's just a self-defense mechanism I've learned and in my particular situation it's better all 'round if I do not push (but damnabley hard, I'll admit!!!). I learned that lesson the hard way through many bouts of tears and pleadings for him to open up to me and be the man he used to be. . . but now I've learned he either will or won't, and it's easier for me to get him to "WILL" if I use honey (love, patience, etc) than vinegar (tears, pleadings, etc, which make him feel more overwhelmed and pressured).

Not that you do this, but I know *I* did!!

You just need some time, sweetie, for things to settle down a bit and for you two to rediscover eachother. Yes, some issues need to be addressed and hashed through, but all in all, once you can show him who YOU are again, chances are he will open up too.

Timing sucks, huh?

PS -- I think you are handling yourself marvelously -- I was a psychotic wench the last month of all 3 of my pg'cies and *wish* I could have kept myself together in the face of what little I had to endure as you are in encountering all that you are, my dear. A right trooper!

slh

B & Dobie thank you. just brushing the wood splinters out ..... I suppose I was just feeling like it was all smothering me

I guess you are right its so much at times I want to just curl up in a corner and hide.
I want so much for this baby, I feel that God has given us a chance to have something new. I really dont want to stuff this up.

Do you think that even though he loves me he may not like me too much right now?
I should'nt feel so insecure but I do & I'm not sure why. MAybe its just being pregnant ....I dont remember being like this before but then we had'nt been through all this the last time either.

now I've eaten my nails as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

AW, you not only deserve a good M and a wonderful H but they will be there. I see how much the two of you care for each other. A2 is having to deal with a lot and no SF too, LOL. Tough stuff on men and yet he has such a gentle side to him. You know one day he was bored and was posting recipes to us? LMAO, get that man some projects to do!

Seriously, you are one of the few couples I have no doubt will succeed. You are dealing with far more than many people can and with a great deal of compassion. Hang in there and know that this idiot is praying for you.

BTW, you ARE older with this pg. My last one was very tough on my body and you are dealing with diabetes too! Give yourself a break! Love ya!!!!

Let's see if this makes any sense.

I believe he loves you, but right now I think maybe his emotional state is too crowded for the level of active loving and liking that you're craving.

And I also suspect maybe you're looking a little too hard at the situation.

You know the Serenity Prayer? I think maybe you should repeat it to yourself a few times until it takes hold. Giving up worrying about things beyond your control takes tremendous willpower, but if you can overcome the mental block and do so, it's incredibly freeing.

Dobie

Thanks SLH

I think I'm paranoid at times truly, hopefully its just the baby blues maybe. Mum is reminding me I did 'awful moody' just before the other births so ....
I pray he can see the woman who loves him rather than the b*tch who betrayed him.... even if not every time.

I wish he would tell me how he feels even if its anger whatever, but youre right, push him & he retreats into the Alpine zone.

Hi AW,

(((((AW))))) sending hugs !

I agree with the others... it must be really tough, there is just so much going on at once for you two. I think you are dealing with things amazingly well. The serenity prayer is a good idea, and your mum sounds like she knows you well too.

Great about your kids. You obviously did a pretty good job bringing them up, and have a great relationship with them, they wouldn't be caring so much and be so mature otherwise. You must be pretty proud of them.

I'll be away on holiday with H for a few weeks... good luck with the bubs ((((AW)))))

AW,
Dont know anyone here real well, but you are not whining. From your posts with me you have been an inspiration as A2 has. I feel for both of ya...
As a BS I do stare off alot of times, mostly blaming myself for the A, or just hoping for nothing to come to mind.
I think all A's destroy the safety net.
Plus being preg. just makes matters a little different.
So vent away, you need it sometimes...
((((((((((((AW))))))))))))))))))

AW -

Things will be just fine, please don't worry. You are not thinking right. All of the blood from your brain has gone to the baby.

I can tell that your husband loves you and cares deeply about you. Relax, and try to enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy.