Wow, where to begin? I have been married to my wife 20 years in March, soon after our twin boys were born back in 1999 my wife began to detach emotionally...she was told by her doctor to get professional help for her feelings but she never did. I was supportive and accepted her behavior praying that it would heal itself...I became content, not happy, just content, and I believe I withdrew from her as well. In early May 05 she came to me explaining that she was not in love with me anymore, that she felt like a prosititute when we made love...all of the signs of an A, but I didn't see it, I truly believed that we could work it out. She did not leave the home but began to stay out late, going to the bars, etc. When I expressed concern over her behavior she would get angry. A friend of mine suggested that I come to MB to learn what I should do. I have been lurking here for awhile, trying to get a grip on what to do. I tried the Plan A, and she responded postively over the next 2 weeks but I just couldn't help thinking that she was having an A. Her best friend called me and told me of the A so I used the GPS function on her cellphone and was able to track her the the OM home and found them together, in the shower, through an open window as we talked on the cellphone. Pain at what I saw does not even begin to describe how I felt. She came home and we talked, she advised me that this had been going on for the past 4 weeks, and that she had had an ongoing affair with the same man from 1993 to 1998, "just for [email]s@x"[/email] and that she had called it off prior to us deciding to have children. And that I was not meeting her needs, the affair was a symptom of our problems and not the cause. I helped her pack her belonginings and helped her move out to her dad's place. It is important to know that she had an A back in 1992 that I also discovered back then and she quickly stopped that one and I thought we were fine a couple of years later, but apparently we were not.

So I did the Plan A again from a distance, I really do Love her and there are still many positives that I try to dwell on. She finally betrayed me by getting my co-workers involved in our situation so I went to an attorney and sought advise in case this went down that path, I told my WS that I was goin to do this, and explained to her that I did not want to divorce but that I felt I needed to protect the kids and myself. During this time I was alone, taking care of the kids. Finally, in miidle of June I decided that I just could not take anymore and advise her I wanted a D. She freaked out, kept calling me all night, told her I did not want to talk, that I was not going to be anyone's second choice in life and that I would be OK, she drove to the house crying and begging for another chance.
I made her leave, the next day she showed up at a friends wedding, and then on Sunday she showed up at the Church were the boys and I have been attending. Afterwards, because of the wedding and the sermon I agreed to talk with her, we went out to dinner and talked for many hours, I discussed the concepts on MB, and gave her the questionaire on needs, (She has not filled it out yet) and she stated that the affair was over, she decided she did not want to loose her family, she wanted to take away my pain and work on her own feeling to try to fall back in love with me. I am still skeptical of her motives, she was called by him on the next Monday and deleted the call, I LB's by getting angry at her for not being honest and telling me about the call, she said he was trying to get her to change her mind. He works at the same place she does, and the only way to effectively severe the ties would be to move out of the area, financially this is impossible. We both make good money but also, like everyone else, have debt that must be considered. She is now back home and she wants to start counseling, she wants to attend church, but still says that she is having a hard time "feeling" like she did when she was in love with me. We spend time together and I show her that I love her, but feel weird because I don't get anything in return. Still trying to Plan A. She could be talking or seeing this man still, no way right now to make sure it is severed, and I'm not sure I have it in me right now to trust her motives. Any advice I can get, support, etc. will be appreciated....thanks

Hi -

I feel your pain & am sorry for what you are going through. I cannot offer much advice as I am working on Plan A myself with my WH. But, you have definitely come to the right place. You will get tremendous support and great advice here. Read all you can!

I know it is hard to give and not receive. Stick with it though and don't give up!

Blessings,

Kim
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 5
still working on No Contact

hrt, welcome to MB. Glad you had a friend that could direct you to this wonderful place. Click on this link to go to WAT's guide for betrayed spouses.

Read the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley or Torn Assunder by Dave Carder. Keep reading and posting.

What an awful story. I would not believe anything she says.
I would certainly get a paternity test done. She had unprotected sex for 5 years with the OM and only stopped just before getting pregnant with you? Oh Please....
Get a paternity test done now. I wish you luck.

No, we don't need that done, we had an invetro fert done...she was unable to concieve any other way. I did demand a test for STD prior to coming back (was neg) so that is a small light in this dark tunnel. I'm sure everyone that has gone through this has heard all the mean spirited stuff that a WS says but man, it was so mean that its hard for me to even think about it...I read on here that you shouldn't believe what they say, so I've been trying very hard not to dwell on the bad stuff she has said...my biggest concern is that she is doing this to be with the kids (back home I mean) and not for the relationship, I feel like a toy for her amusement sometimes...maybe the kids are the glue that will help us overcome this, I don't know...I gave her the article on kids and loving parents, she began to cry and said that she wishes someone had given this to her before she stopped trying, she has no excuses for '93-'98 (was for the excitement...wheee, what fun)and believe it or not I could forgive her quicker for the recent indiscretion but the 5 years that she admitted to, to me, we were happy...and this is what bothers me the most.

c'mon, please help...should I be doing a plan A still, or is there some other approach since everything has been exposed...really need some help and guidance on the next step and suggestions for what to do...

hrt, the biggest part of plan A is to make changes necessary and permanently in you! Have you made those changes? Have you identified her top EN's and started meeting them?

I have identified many things in myself that I need to work on, it is hard...trying to be more attentive to her, she has not completed the EN's questionaire so I can't target in on any yet, and don't want to force her to complete it...right now I try to listen to what she says and go from there...the trust factor is the hardest part for me to get over, and I'm unsure of her motives...I'm trying to take everything at face value right now but not sure if I can let go so soon...she's been back two weeks and this has been a real roller coaster, some days she reminds me of the person I fell in love with, others she is like a stranger

hrt, answer the EN questionaire for her for now. Once she is out of withdrawl you can get her to answer it. Yes, withdrawl if she is really in NC will be tough on both of you. She will be like jeklle and hyde

so I guess I should continue the plan A as if she was still in contact, no real way to prove otherwise...I did check our phone bills (cell) and found that the last time she said she spoke to him by phone was true (of course you know she works at the same place as he does so there is almost assuredly some contact) I don't want to be controlling and place demands that she no longer work there, etc. so I guess I'm answering my own question...we went to my gr'parents 65th wedding anniversary on Sat, she went also, and you could see her thinking about family, she came up to me and held my hand several times as I visited with relatives, my family all know of the A but treated her very nicely, she did get mad when my aunt pulled her to the side and spoke to her about the A, she was mad at me because my family knew about it...she yelled at me in front of the kids on the way back home...I was so angry, the next morning she said that she was tired of the ups and downs and just about to the point of saying **** it, I kissed her forehead and told her that was a decision and just walked away, killed me but at least I didn't LB, (that day) phew, this is a killer...how do you maintain and concentrate at work, etc. my mind is constantly preoccupied with the relationship...

Hi hrtinfla,

It seems a bit strange that she would have an affair with the OM for 5 years, take a 7 year break and then restart the affair. If she called it off before you decided to have kids why did she stop it?? If it was only for the sex and not because of an emotional attachment how can you be sure there was only 1 OM?? Is is possible to just have SF with someone for 5 years and not build an emotional attachment?

I think you did a great job of not responding when she screamed at you in front of the kids and also by deflecting her comment without LB'ing. IMHO though, she absolutely has to quit her job if your marriage is to stand any chance. I think you can approach her on this subject respectfully and without appearing controlling.

If your wife is really interested in reconciling she will have to take responsibility for her actions at some point. Leaving her job would an unfortunate consequence of her decisions and a demonstration of her commitment to the marriage.

I agree 100%, I would love to see her do that...she says she is looking at transfering to another part of the facility (she works at a huge mill that employees nearly 1000 people spread out with many departments) but says she has to bid on the jobs...she makes very good money and is afraid (she says) of hurting us financially as well as emotionally, and there is no way I can find out if she has ever had another A, the way she says it she was with him maybe 6 times in 93, and 2 or 3 times the remaining 4 years combined...of course I can't verify it, but then again she didn't have to admit the A from back then anyway, all I knew about was the present at the time...I just got back from lunch and she actually had lunch fixed, a smile on her face, a kiss, and was doing housework...she hasn't done any of this in weeks, months really. I was impressed to be quite honest...I did verify from an independent source close to the OM that she did indeed break it off and tell him no more contact, no more anything ever again, a female friend of the OM said he has been "heartbroken" over her decision to call it off....I feel terrible for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I keep feeling like I have to look around corners, check her cell phone, be so secretive...I had been so trusting before that I never concerned myself...even when she started going to the bars after work all I said was "moderation" is the key, you have a husband and kids at home and bars are no place for a married woman each night. I feel like such an idiot...d-day was 05/31/05 so not much time has passed. She is still saying she wants to fall back in love with me but still doesn't love me, says if it wasn't him it would have been somebody else, etc. how should I approach her about working on this when I don't know if there is def N/C or not. I've been trying to be supportive, give hugs, not be too needy, but she constantly asks what is wrong because I guess I'm not smothering her w/attention. I just say nothing "DUH" you'd think she would know whats wrong...She says she loves me everyday, I tell her back, but usually only when she says it first...I still don't even know if this is really what I want or not, my family has always been my number one priority and it kills me to think she is not part of our "team" right now. I want her to quit her job so bad I can't stand it. She just called on the phone, I told her I'd like to go out Thursday for some adult time, she says ok, then invites other adult friends, then wants to have the kids come also cause she has been working evenings and not able to see them much...so, no time for us...then I find out that she has enrolled for disability insurance through her job, thats good, and that she has to have a checking account at a certain bank to do the payments, I checked that and it is also true, but now she says she wants to get her entire check e-deposited instead of to our current joint account...I told her no because it would be harder to pay the bills and balance 2 accounts each month, and she says well I need to learn how to do that...I say I taught you years ago and she says she needs to learn it again 'cause she has forgotten, my read is she is trying to learn how to be single again...I told her that was fine as long as it was a joint account, and she didn't say yes or no, just changed the subject...am I over analyzing things, should I just not worry about it, I just don't want to be played as a fool ....AAAAHHHHHH

well, I came home for lunch and we talked some, she said that she wants to fall in love again with me but that I deserve to be happy and shouldn't have to wait on her...I told her that I will decide what I think I deserve and that I want my family back

She refuses to do the EN Questionaire, said that she wanted to feel better about things before she would do it because she feels like it would be false now with the way she feels...I think there may still be contact with the OM, but can't prove it yet...

Anyone out there that can give me some advice beyond what I've rec'd please speak out...I feel lost

Boundaries....set boundaries.

She says she wants to fall in love with you again...that's a good thing. But she also needs to understand that in order for YOU to fall back in love with HER it's going to take some work on her part. She's not only going to have to help you rebuild that love, but the trust that was destroyed as well.

Re-building the trust takes time, and it takes PROOF on her part that she's doing the right things now. Proof that the affair is over, and that NC is being maintained. It means being open and honest about EVERYTHING...it's not going to be easy for her, but its the only hope the two of you have moving forward. And you need to be able to SEE that she's keeping within the bounds of normal marriage from now going forward...that her friends remain appropriatly outside of the bounds of marriage.

Just my thoughts...

Thanks Owl,
But she is so distant...won't initiate anything, talk, etc. tries to act like everything is OK...I want to believe that the A is over and NC, but I feel I'm going crazy with the uncertainty...I vascilate between "is it really worth it to keep plan A up" and "I'd do anything to rebuild the M"

I can understand your pain friend. If she MEANS it about wanting to give it a chance and try to fall in love with you again, then you two need to come up with a plan on how to proceed. If you don't feel that she means it, then I would simply tell her that, and that you can't just act like nothing ever happened.

She has said that she wants to go to couseling, my employer provides EAP that has 5 or 6 free visits, so she is willing to do this...my biggest problem is my mouth, I try not to LB, try not to talk relationship right now, but somehow seem to bring stuff up...can't figure out how to relax and just things flow