Short version of my story - H of 11 years has 4 month old OC with OW. I found out 2 months ago. We have agreed to NC and to work on our M.

From cell phone bills and various spot checks of his activity I do believe H has had NC with OW except on two occasions. One, she sent him a text message asking if he wanted to discuss amount of CS he should pay over the summer (she is a teacher so she won't have daycare expenses). He did not reply to her and told me about it immediately (yeah!!). Earlier this week she called him on the cell phone and left a message that she wanted to talk about CS. He called her back on his way to work (second job to pay CS) only to tell her that he didn't have time to discuss. Then he called to tell me of both calls. First, I appreciate him telling me that. Secondly, I have asked him to only call her when I'm around if they need to talk about CS which obviously he didn't do. I don't understand why he would call her only to say he couldn't talk unless he just missed talking to her and wanted to say hi. In the time it took him to do that he could have just said "how much do you want each week" and be done with it. When I bring that to his attention the only answer I get is that in that case he shouldn't have even told me he talked to her. I reminded him that is not acceptable and it is no longer good enough for him to "half way" follow our rules. But now I'm at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like he intentionally left the CS issue unresolved so she will have to call him again. I think part of it is a power play on his part to try and control or annoy her.

The whole CS issue is really getting on my nerves. I made it clear that I would in no way be harmed financially by his obligation (ie none of my money would go to it and that he would remain responsible for his current contribution to our expenses). So H found a summer job (he's also a teacher so its not like that's an extra hardship to him in the summer). Problem is the hours for this job (resort restaurant) are evening and late night hours while I work during the day. This leaves us little time to spend together. On one hand its good in that it gives us both time to think things through but its also tough because we can't really talk that often. I'm trying not to feel like I'm losing out on quality time because of this job, and so far I'm doing pretty well at it and using the free time to do things for myself. But I can see where this is going to get really old soon. I guess there's no real question for this, I only needed to vent my frustration at the situation.

I have tried to be specific about my needs in strenthening our M and have asked him to share his needs. I gave him a list of 5 or 6 things I needed. Last night we discussed the fact that he hadn't done ANY of them in the three weeks since I made the request and that while I did not expect all of them to happen overnight I didn't feel that he was even trying to work on them. Then we get in a discussion and he gets an attitude of rattling off things to meet the items on my list. I ask if he's just doing it to get me off his back or because he really wants to help me heal. He said it was just to get it over with! Obviously this is not OK with me but I don't know how to address it. I guess I'm not sure at what point is it obvious that he just has no intention of putting forth effort to improve things between us, vs. the time it is taking him to come to terms with the situation and deal with the emotions he has before he can address my needs?

I think I did make progress in one area though. While we talked we addressed the issue of the affairs starting and continuing because they were exciting while he felt that we didn't do anything exciting together. So I asked him what they did that was so exciting. He said go to dinner, movies, just hang out. That's the exact same crap we do, the only excitement to it is that she was new!!!!!!!!!! When I pointed that out it was like a light bulb went off in his head so I'm hoping that helps put things in perspective for him a bit. I'll admit we don't lead the most exciting life but I've never not wanted to do anything he's suggested to spice it up. When I ask what it is he wants to do, he doesn't know. One of his complaints is that in the past I have wanted him to hang out with me after a weekly event instead of him going out with his buddies after (this is approx. 10 times a year). I have tried to compromise in offering that this would be fine half the time. That doesn't seem to be good enough. He said that when he tells her that's what he wants to do she says it sounds like fun and hopes he has a good time. Hello!!!! What the **** should she care if he goes out with them or stays home with me or not??? How can he be so dense as to not understand that? Sorry to have rambled on about this but its just so frustrating to figure this "excitement" thing out. Some days I think he really is trying, but most days I'm just not sure he is. My mental attitude is changing though to the point of feeling like if he doesn't make progress soon I can be strong enough to kick him out. I'm just not sure where that line is. Any thoughts?

One final question. It really bothers me that he had unprotected sex with this woman. I have told him how hurtful that is to me and that I am very upset that he would choose to potentially kill both of us over sex. The only response I get is that he didn't think of it like that. We have not had any sexual relations since this came to light. I have asked him to get an HIV test but he hasn't done it yet but is on his "list of things to do". My question is this: If he came in the house with a gun, didn't know if there were any bullets in it or not, pointed it at my head and pulled the trigger, I would have no hesitation at throwing him out of my life for good. This irresponsible sexual activity is pretty much the same thing in my perspective right now, yet I still want him in my life. How sick is that on my part? How have any of you dealt with this issue? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Any thoughts on all this would be GREATLY appreciated.

[color:"blue"]FIRST: you are NOT blowing this out of proportion. YOu are thinking very clearly & he DID risk your health & that is just plain ICKY! @ best! Have you gotten yoruself STD tested as well? Make sure you also follow up because some stds do not show up for years, unfortuenately.

Have you read/printed out/gone over the EN (emotional needs) Questionnaire on this site? It is VERY helpful & puts the needs in plain language. kwim?

Are you 2 in any marital counseling right now? That might be helpful to geet him to see his actions & consequences a bit clearer as well.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now. IT is no easy task to recover a marriage relationship after a blow such as this BUT it can be done.

Now you say he took on a second job to pay CS....is this legal through the courts or just on the side? Even if it was a private agreement, you msut have it legally filed w/ teh courts or else it can be counted as a 'gift' later on down the road.

Take care of yourself.
sincerely,
kt[/color]

Hugs and congradulations on the healing you've made so far. You guys are doing GOOD! It's such a tough situation.

Briefly, I understand what you mean re:AIDS/STDs... but I also believe your H is telling the truth when he says he wasn't thinking like that and "did not mean to" endanger you both even though he did. It was not as obvious to his fogged up brain as the russian roulette comparison.

I don't have time to think up a better comparison right now.

Just want you to know BOTH your feelings are common and normal, as is the pain. I don't normally watch tv, but I once caught Oprah describing adultery as "soul murder" and it does seem to hurt that much. But that doesn't mean leaving is the answer, either.

Hang in there. Like I said, it sounds like you're both doing well.

Hugs,
J
in recovery 7y and glad I stayed

Kt is right that some STD's dont show up for several years. Herpes, and vaginal warts is another. Those are 2 of the lovely presents I got alonw with the OC. So please get yourself tested as well. I was tested right after D-day everything came back negative. 2 years later I had the outbreak and went to the dr. it was herpes. Herpes can be dormant for years before causing an outbreak.

I actually had the vaginal warts back in 92. I asked my H then if he was cheating. of course he said no. (what a lie that was. It had started a year before that. Vaginal warts can lead to cervical cancer. That is what stage mine was at. Had to go thru 2 yrs of treatment for that crap.

So please be careful and get checked.


Lori

Oh Lori, I'm really feeling for you! Oh my GOSH. I remember (from prior posts) your being a cancer survivor, but did not make the connection to STDs and the A!! I am all the more super amazed at your strength and forgiveness. I hope your H realizes what he's got in you.

Wow. Hugs,
J