I have a few questions about the exposure of an affair. I don't know how to paste the previous thread to this but it's the one on the military law. Anyway, I'm about to expose my husbands affair. I need to know what to say and what NOT to say. I don't want to make a mistake at this point. I have all the evidence I need and I'm going to my lawyer in an hour. What would be the worst thing I could do at this Point? Or Say?

Expose to whom?
What are you doing with the lawyer?

Keep it simple and factual.
"My husband and ms. xx are having an affair."

You are doing this simply to expose it, not to "get even", so little comments (such as "skanky ho" or "[censored]") should not be used (as much as you would like to).

Michele,

At this juncture I think you expose to OWH (even if you think he won't care), and one good old fishing buddy who is always along with those two when they fish. You can count on one to tell the rest. Hopefully you'll find an ally there.

His parents know, right? If not, include them and your parents and any siblings who you think will be a support for you.

Keep it short and to the point. "I am calling to tell you that I have proof that WH and OW are having a sexual affair. I want my marriage to survive. I love my husband and my children love their father. I just wanted you to know so you are aware of what is going on. I have told OWH's (and whoever else) and I don't know what will happen next. But I plan to do all that I can to save my marriage."

Their reactions will vary. Some will want to know your proof. It is up to you how much you share. The point to make to each and every person is that you LOVE YOUR HUSBAND and you WANT TO HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE.

Some might even admonish you for telling them, saying that if it was them they wouldn't tell anybody. Just tell them that you've spoken with people who have been in your position and counseled with an attorney and you've learned that keeping the affair a secret is the best way to keep it alive. And you know that your marriage has no chance to heal if the truth isn't brought out now.

Check back in and let us know how it goes.

Oh, and if at all possible, expose to OWH just before you talk to your WH. That way he won't be able to warn OW and she in turn run to her husband and tell him what a nutcase you are. Offer OWH your proof if he wants or needs it. Then inform him you will be talking with your spouse this evening and ask that he not talk to his wife before then.

~ Snow

Here the Link to Michele's initial thread.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

I agree with Snowbelle, and would just emphhasize to expose to OW'sH - FIRST - before confronting yout H. In no way do you want there to be any chance that OW'sH hears it from anyone but you holding the proof.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

Michele,

As far as exposing to her superiors.... I would keep it contained for now. The reason? I've seen on this forum where the military did very little to correct a situation that took place right under their noses and with a wife who was very helpful in providing proof. (And both the WH and OW were military and working together!) I think your exposure to OWH, friends and family is the place to start. Don't threaten going to her superiors. Just keep it as an ace in your pocket to play as you deem necessary. And hopefully, it won't be necessary.

~ Snow

My lawyer agrees that we should not go to the military now. We should keep that in our back pocket for leverage if needed. So I will call OW H tomorrow and tell him. I have the PI report with me so we could meet if he wanted proof. My lawyer also has a copy.

My lawyer said I should ask H to move out for awhile, because the judge in our county looks favorably on that. He also wants to set up a separation agreement to protect me and the kids. We can try to reconcile with this agreement in place. It just protects me if we can't. He said if we do it sooner than later it is better. WH will have more guilt now. My finances should be ok. And that is a huge relief. I felt empowered yesterday when I left his office, but this morning I'm back crying again when I woke up.

I'm going to tell the kids (10 and 7) that we had a fight and H will be staying at a friends for a while. I can't really go into detail and I don't want to. I'm ready to do this. Tomorrow is the day. I'll check back again before it happens if anyone has any other advice. Thank you.

No more advice, dear Michele, just wishing you luck and strength. Do you have family/friends to support you emotionally?

Michele, your attorney gave you BAD advice when he suggested you kick out your H. That is wonderful if you plan on ending your marriage, but is disasterous if you want to save your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, you must be together. If you are apart, your chances of divorce go WAY UP.

The damage to your marriage from kicking him out will make it much harder to ever recover. Kicking him out is a hostile act that will just add a new problem to the mix. He will view it as an indication that you won't forgive him and are punishing him. This will just give him justification to continue his affair and throw in the towel on his marriage.

Throwing him out is tantamount to throwing him into the arms of the OW. It will make it MUCH EASIER for him to carry on the affair if he is not there. And since he has no one to turn to, the temptation will be overwhelming.

Your attorney should stick to LEGAL ADVICE, Michele, because he is giving you TERRIBLE marital advice. Harley is the expert on marital recovery, please stick with him on the marital issues! Don't kick your H out! BAD MOVE!

Michele,

Just consider this for a moment. If you kick your H out, you are forcing him to make a choice. If you were him, which would you choose:

a) infuriated, vindictive wife who hates me

b) welcoming, adoring OW

On the other hand, if he is home and is convinced that you will forgive him and work on your marriage, he will turn to you. That is what you want, Michele. You don't want to push him to turn to the OW. Give him a chance to turn to you. Throwing him out just HELPS the OW.

Michele,

I am with Mel on this one. Please do not kick your husband out of the house at this stage. This would be a bad move on your part. If your husband asks if you want him to leave, you have the perfect opportunity to tell him, "no, I want you to end the A with OW and build a new, better marriage with me."

I can't think of any reason your attorney would tell you that kicking him out would make a judge more favorable to you. It makes no sense. If anything, if the judge sees you are trying to make things work out then he/she might order counseling.

Have you been reading up on Plan A? It is this plan that you need to carry out now. It doesn't mean you can't kick him out later if you wish to proceed to Plan B. But it is far easier to carry out Plan A and rebuild your marriage if he is living in the house with you.

Asking the WS to move out right after dday is like throwing them into the OPs arms. If her husband does the same, the two of them will just go set up a little love shack somewhere.

I am sure your lawyer is trying to protect you. But if your first goal is to save your marriage, then your lawyer is dead wrong on this one. Don't kick him out. Yet.

~ Snow

Michele,

Are you going to tell your husband that you have seen an attorney? Whatever else transpires when d-day happens, if you tell your husband you have seen an attorney (and I am not sure you should at this stage... others might have different thoughts) you should also make it clear that you DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE but that you don't know who he is anymore and you felt you needed to protect the kids.

~ Snow

Michele,

Please also read Mel's post on GQ titled, "DON'T EXPECT A GOLD MEDAL." I'll try to attach it here as a link, but I am not so great at that.... if it doesn't work, just look for the title I gave above.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

~ Snow

Good point, Snowbelle!

Michelle!

I feel so alarmed. Listen to the good people who have just given you great advice.

Your lawyer is NOT expert on staying married. he/she is a litigator - an expert on getting divorced.

As far as what to say to your kids, no way would tell them anything like what you wre thinking. If anything, tell them (after you and H talk) that you and Daddy are having some troubles, but you are working them out.

It is so important that your H knows you are not going anywhere, and neither is he.

I would also advise against sharing the lawyer info with your H.

Stick to confrontation and workin to the next step, which should be NC, and rebuilding.

Seperation brings its own stressors to a M already in crisis. And, as everyone has said...it throws your H into the clutches of a predatory OW.

Good luck. You are in my prayers. I know how hard it is to get conflicting advice, especially when you paid for the advice of the attorney. Just remember, the lawyer hets paid for legal advice, not marital advice.

Exactly.

~ Snow

The statistics I was given is that 80% of couples who separate, end up divorced. Plan A'ing him will be much harder if he is not in the house. He needs to see you as the more attractive option. He cannot do that if he does not see you much at all. Do not kick him out.

Good Luck

One more thing:

In the aftermath of Dday, when reconciliation was beginning for H & me, we talked of how difficult it was for H to tell me.

H said that he was terrified that when/if I found out, I would throw him out. You're H may be really scared that your finding out will lead to the destruction of his family.

Do not make this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Show your H that forgiveness/reconcliliation is possible - even on D-day.

I am not saying to be a doormat, to sweep it under the rug. The hard work is there in front of the two of you.

But, show him it IS possible.

Praying for you

I'm glad I checked back. He said I should kick him out. Well then what about the separation agreement? Should that not take place yet? I want my marriage. I know lawyer is trying to protect me and he just assumes that a divorce is pending, but if I tell H that I have an agreement coming I think you are all right. His back would be up against the wall and he would attack. I will think hard on this. But we can't sleep in the same room, that would look to the court as if I was forgiving him. More advice needed. The book finally came. I will read it tonight if it takes all night.

Also, I'm a stay at home mom. I do all the chores. How am I going to keep doing his laundry, etc and not feel like a doormat? Here this man has stomped all over me. Now I'm a bit confused. I will start reading the book. I will check back in a little while. I am home now.