I would not proceed with any separation agreement until you know which direction your WH is going to go. You have to give him a chance to see that you want to make the marriage to work, that you are willing to work at it with him. That is hard to say when you're slapping him with a separation agreement.

You can call your attorney and tell him to sit on the agreement for a week or two so you can see what happens. You don't have to do it right now.

I don't even recommend sleeping in separate rooms if it can be helped. The court only cares about using the adultery as a reason for the divorce if it has been over a year. Most sane people realize that spouses usually try to work out their problems before jumping to divorce. I don't think you are hurting yourself by delaying a separation agreement until you are truly ready for one and if your husband's actions (or inactions) require it of you as you next best move.

~ Snow

Michelle,

Your atty is thinking only about D, not repairing your M.

You should focus on (1) reading the book, (2)exposure to the OW'sH, (3)starting Plan A, (4)confronting your H with proof of the A, all in that order.

Why can't you sleep in the same room? Court? Hopefully, you are never going to court. You want to reconcile.

The chores, keep doing what you do normally. Ths is not a seperation. This is the beginning of rebuilding your M.

Good luck. Praying for you.

You can still do his laundry, etc., because Plan A would require you to do those things for him that you normally do, just because you love him.

Remember, the alien has taken over your H's mind. Which do you think would draw him back to you:

A. Michele throwing dirty underwear at WH while screaming, "wash your own skid marks, buddy... or have HER do it!"

or

B. Michele putting laundry in the washer and saying calmly, "you know, I really feel like a doormat. You have hurt me in a huge way and yet here I am, still taking care of you because I love you."

See the difference? You don't have to hold back your pain. You need to calmly show him how you are feeling. He needs to know the damage that he has done.

This is how dialogue gets started. And he'll be more responsive to fixing things if you are calm and still able to show your love for him.

~ Snow

Michele, do you want to save your marriage? You need to let us help you if that is what you want. You won't be angry forever, but many of the things you are planning will cause permanent damage. Dont' talk about seperation or divorce. Only talk about repairing your marriage. And dont' kick him out of your bed.

I do want to save my marriage. I was under the assumption (from what the PI said) that if I slept with him after confronting him with the evidence it's like throwing it all away. The court (if ever needed) would see it as forgiveness. I guess I need to see which way H goes. If he truly wants to fix things I will not mention separation agreement. But if I get bad feelings, I'm going to have to get the aggreement. But I will not talk about this yet to H. Tomorrow I plan to expose to OW H first and then my husband. I don't have an appointment with the lawyer again until Fri and this can be postponed. I guess I'll just have to see. Thanks. I could have messed up there.

The PI is an expert at gathering information. He is NOT an expert at saving marriages.

You want to save your M. Good.

There is no way to predict what is going to happen tomorrow when you confront. He may beg your forgiveness; he may explode with righteous indignation; hemay lie and insist nothing is happening.

Save the separation agreement for a future date. He certainly does not to see something as threatening asthat now, if ever.

Regarding sleeping together. IMO, and others may disagree ,the best thing that may happen is if, after confronting, you begin your reconciliation with SF. You have to reclaim your H sexually. Again, others may say I am getting ahead of things, but I did this, and it worked out well.

Take a deep breath. There is no rush here. You are in a powerful position, You are the W, the mother of his children.

Prayers for you and your family.

Well, it is forgiveness. But you aren't going to court unless he continues his affair and in that case you simply have to prove that he did it AFTER you "forgave" him. See what I mean?

I would go ahead and expose the affair and confront your H tomorrow as you had planned.

I will. But I don't see having relations until he has NC with OW. And I believe it. I will start plan A.

Michele -

On D-day, I threw WH out, followed by his clothes - no time to pack them. This was before I found MB. After that, he could not seem to get rid of OW. He is still living with her after 2 and a half years.

As far as the seperation agreement, he and I could never agree on it. Then I decided not to divorce him. In the meantime, he spent over $100,000. on OW. So I can see where your attorney is coming from.

I don't know if there is a way you can figure out to protect your assets or not. But I would seriously consider it.

Gosh this all seems really confusing. I would not want that situation to occur. I guess I'm going to have to see what happens tomorrow. For all I know he'll move out on his own. I'm really nervous and anxious to get this over with. I read another post where they were talking about confronting OW. The person said the best thing to do is SILENCE. Make it seem like she was not a factor in your life at all. Boy that's totally against my nature. Do you all feel the same? That I should never confront OW?

Don't confront the OW, as it is a waste of time. I promise you that. Do you think she cares about you and your family?

No obviously not. When she started fishing with my H, she told him "wives don't like me". I would just like to throw that back in her face. I let her fish on our boat because I didn't think it was fair to exclude her based on gender. Boy what an idiot I am. It was a conscious decision. I probably could have stopped this before it started. If I could only go back in time. I would put my foot down and say NO she can not fish on our boat! If I had done it in the beginning it might have been ok.

Michele hon, we all feel like that. If only, if only. But please don't blame yourself for being a good woman.

OW is the one who took advantage of your hospitality, and betrayed your trust.

The fact that she is in the military is sad. I guess she forgot her "core values". Ooops, I think that is the Marine Corps.

Thanks believer,
I just want this part of it over. This week has been terrible. It should have been a great week at the beach, but I could barely function. One more day.

Michele, you have been a real trooper and I am darn proud of your hard work. I know tomorrow is going to be real tough, but I suspect you have the brass to handle it just fine. Please keep coming back here and let us all help you through this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Michele,

We are all pulling for you. Go into tomorrow knowing that you have a lot of support.

Regading contacting/confronting the OW: It is like a Love Buster towards your H. It will feel good for about 10 minutes, but it will result in a huge amount of damage that you will have to undo. Do not waste your breath on such scum.

The OW may have done this bfore - a serial cheater - and nothing you say will affect her. And,she is prepared to say a lot that will hurt you - deeply.

Focus your energies on your marriage. Your H really needs you right now even though he doesn't realize it yet.

Good luck.

Thank you for your support. I could not even think about doing what I'm about to do without everyone's help on this forum. I need lots of prayers now. I will post back as soon as I can. I know I'm going to need more help. Here I go.

Ok I'm having problems contacting OW H. There are several phone numbers that were possibly his. I have tried them all and no one answers. It goes to a mailbox. I even tried their house and no one picked up again. What if I can't get a hold of him? I will keep trying all day. My H will be home this evening.

Don't get all upset before you even contact him. You'll get ahold of him one way or another.

I went right over to the OW's house (while she was home), and talked to her husband. I just knocked on the door, and asked him if he had a minute to talk.

good luck today michele we are all rooting for you....I know you can do it...you've had so much strength to get this far *hugs*.