So happy to read your update.

Yes, WD. I agree that the NC letter is a very hopeful sign that NC will hold. Please make sure you actually see it, and are there when it is mailed. But, WD is surely going to happen. Read up on it. Be prepared for this. Help him through.

Of course, please take care of yourself.

And..if..and I hope it doesn't, but..if NC is broken, it is not the end of things. Sometimes WSs are so addicted that they backslide and break NC.

You have to remain vigilant for signs of this. You sound like you've become pretty proficient at checking, but you have to keep at it, especially now. The cell phone, the e-mail, keep checking regularly.

Good luck! Prayers & hugs.

Michele,

You did GOOD!!! I'm proud of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now the really tough part starts----recovery! As the others have said, don't think all is lost if he recontacts or responds to an attempt by her to reconnect. Hopefully it won't happen but it may. But recontact sets the recovery back to square one and the withdrawal process all over again. Not the end of the world ,,just a set back.

The No Contact letter is good and I'm glad SongStreet gave you the links to the sample letters. It may not mean an awful lot to you now if it's sent or not,,but believe me, it will mean alot in the future. You'll see. And the previous info was right on--he writes it, you read and approve it and either YOU or both of you mail it.

Please make arrangements for you and your H to get complete STD checkups from your doctor or health clinic. Not a fun thing to do but VERY necessary. BOTH of you. And be sure you get the COMPLETE check, pap and all. There are STD's that can not be detected by the simple blood and urine tests.

Any chance you and H could get away for awhile? Just the two of you? If not for a week or so,,at least for a weekend. Not to discuss the affair or rehash the past---just to take time together to reconnect without any of the interuptions of hectic everyday life.

Good job Michele. Keep us posted!!

Songstreet?? **snort*** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fabulous job, Michele. You did good! Musical Pathway and 4shureCrazy and Healing are giving you great advice. Even though your emotions are running wild right now, you must stay grounded. The advice you have been given is priceless, and will keep you on the right track.

The NC letter is great, but as was said, make sure you know what's in it, and that it doesn't deviate from the sample letters too much.

Also remember addictions are POWERFUL, and may still drive your WH to do things you won't like, like additional contact, continued secrecy, etc.

While the mood is right, this would be a GREAT time to change his cell phone number and your home number, so the OW cannot contact him. Also, make sure to have him change his e-mail address, so OW won't be able to make contact easily. Make sure you know all his passwords to the computer so you can check on him as you feel the need to do so.

Withdrawal can be hard, but if your WH was in the process of breaking up with OW, it might be a bit less intensive. He could be moody, easily angered, sullen, depressed or even cry for her. This is normal, and the best thing to do is allow him to grieve "his" loss, but be there for him. The worst thing you can do is become angry with him at this time, as it will make his withdrawal even harder with a W who's being a witch... know what I mean?

You've done so very well. You may be the next poster child for MB as you've followed the plan precisely. Seriously, don't be alarmed by setbacks, but stay firm and consistant in your efforts. You will be rewarded.

Best wishes,
SD

4shureCrazy???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

***snort***... to quote Rhapsodical Road. ***snort***

Love ya, ML! I went to college at Emporia, Ks in 1968 with a real live Melody Lane.... tell me it isn't you all these years later!?!?!?!?!

SD

I understand about the NC agreement and how it could be broken. In their recreational lives(fishing), both are "important" people around here. They both talk to crowds of people at seminars and they both write articles for magazines. So it is very possible that they will see eachother at these functions. I will probably have to attend these for my own piece of mind.

I am also finding that I'm scared of my emotions in that there is so much anger along with everything else that I could potentially cause more damage by venting. But if I don't I'm all plugged up and ready to explode. I recently read something in USA TOday. IT had an article about counselors and that some are more pro divorce than others. I think I have to go to a counselor, but I need to find one that is pro marriage.

I don't want my judgement clouded either by all the good things H is saying. I still have to keep a level head so I know when something ugly comes back this way. I feel in my heart he is being truthful, but how can you begin to trust again? I'm so afraid that we'll have a small argument in the future and he'll bring her up again. Like "I should have gone with her". I would be devastated again. I know to add to the bank as much as I can, basically until it overflows. There is so much more to this I can see now. Keep me grounded. You all are wonderful.

Michele, you are doing just fine. It will take alot of work for him to rebuild trust. For now, it will be important to find out what happened here and fix the problem that led to the affair. I think counseling is a good start, but like you have already discovered, many counselors are pro-divorce and you want to avoid those.

I would also try and find a solution to their contact at seminars, Michele. This will be a huge problem in the future and prevent him from withdrawing from her. Better to nip that problem in the bud now instead of later, because it will probably come back to bite you.

Do you think she left her H in order to hook up with your H?

"Rhapsodical Road???" har har! Good one, SD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Michelle:

You are right in your concerns re NC & the possiblibility of it being broken, even inadvertantly. Go to the meetings. The plus in that is that you will play a bigger role in your H's life.

Re the anger: You need to release this. It is in there, and if you do not deal with it, it will fester, and damage your love for your H.

So, how do you find a good counselor? You are right that many counselors are not Pro-M. Do you have a pastor/rabbi? I ended up working with a great retired pastor who had a background in counseling. He was completely pro-M, and he really helped me. Some denominations will have counseling services associated with them. If you are comfortble sharing, do you want to say what denomination, if any, you belong to?

The trust: This will have to be rebuilt. It has been shattered, but it CAN be restored. It takes a LONG time for this. Do not try to rush yourself. Do not let your H try to rush you. My H was insistent that I trust him too soon. The trouble was, he was not trustworthy at the time. It is only now, after nearly 10 months of NC, that I feel comfortable in not checking every day. I still spot check about weekly, and I expect to for a long time to come. That is OK with me. I do not tell him I am checking either.

Will you H say LBing things? Maybe. Understand that, in the next few weeks-to-months, he will be going through WD, and WDing FWSs say some very bad things. Try (very hard to do) not to let it get to you, if it happens. The time will come when he admits the A was a total mistake.

Good luck! We are here for you.

What apparently happened according to OWH is he travels alot and that started their problems and he said he was raked over the coals over OW best friend Steve. This was 5 years ago. They"ve been living apart for several years now. They had seen their lawyers but he wanted to work on their marriage so a divorce was not finallized. He said they had an agreement not to see anyone. He could never understand why Steve was jealous of my H when OW is HIS W. But OW told my H other things. She said her H had an A and that is what started all of this. And that everyone at her work, etc knew she was dating and basically single. So someone is lying and it makes more sense that it is OW. OWH has no reason to lie to me. It helps me to have my H know that she is lying so I really would like to know the truth. My H said Steve was jealous of him because he is a better fisherman and OW always caught the trophy fish with him, but that now makes no sense. A man might get irritated and more competitive about that but not jealous. Her phone records indicate she calls Steve as much if not more than my H. So I have proof of that. In any case her lying would allow my H to truly see what kind of woman she was and make it easier for him to withdraw from her. That would help us.

But I won't dwell and make it my goal to show H what kind of woman she really is. I know my goal should be our marriage so I will keep that under control. I will be talking to OWH next week when he is in town. He would like all evidence and I will give it to him. It is strange that when you look at her phone bill it is obvious that she set up these cell phones. OW best friend's work number, cell phone number, OWH cell phone number and her cell phone number are off by only the first 3 numbers. They all have the last 4 digits. That is not a coincidence. It just seems that she has been seeing best friend until my H came along and could offer her more. Then she set her sights on him. And she is a knockout and could get just about anyone she wanted. A little attention and then she told him that she had feelings for him. He told me that yesterday. It's classic.

H is being truly kind to me. But it's so hard.

I agree that you may need to attend the seminars with him. It sounds like recreational companionship is a strong EN of his that the OW fulfilled...fish with him more?

You can both fill out the EN questionnaire and then brainstorm ideas on how to fulfill each other's top 3 ENs.

Healing,
I'm a christian, grew up catholic but am basically non denominational now. Our church is a church of christ. The church is very small and I know the pastor so I don't think I could go that route. I would have to get someone that was totally unbiased.

Husband has already said that it was a mistake and he is so sorry. I believe that.
This anger will eat me up if I don't deal with it.

Call the Harley's?

Stillhere,
You are definitely right about the fishing. It is a passion of H and OW. He was impressed with her from the beginning because of her obsession of fishing. I know that was the trigger. I used to fish with H alot when we were dating and before the kids were born. I do get seasick. I've have tried every item that there is, even the $300 electric zapper that zaps your finger every few seconds to disturb the nerve impulses to your brain which casue it. But I was still hugging a basket the whole time. The patch works and so does bonine, but I might as well not go because all I do at that point is sleep until a fish hits. See my H fishes from 4 am till 8pm. And that's a short day for him. This past weekend he left Sat 3 am, spent the Sat night in the gulf stream 50 miles offshore, then fished until 3pm Sun. So we are talking marathon fishing which I can't do because of the kids. And I don't have THAT passion to fish.
OW does.
It's definitely what started this whole thing.

Do the Harleys do that over the phone?

Yes Michele. Harleys counsel by phone. Check this link for more information. Counseling & Coaching Center

Those that have counseled with the Harley's have been extremely pleased with the results.

What IS it about fishing? My H's life is fishing!

I don't know, but my H gets alot of admiration and respect from his fishing expertise. He thrives on that. His friends think he is a fishing god. It's an ego thing for him. He has fished all of his life, they lived on the water, but in dental school he fished in rivers. It was more of a relaxing thing for him. He fished by himself or with me. Now it's totally salt water. Bunch of guys(and recently OW) fishing every weekend and socializing at the dock and at the restaurants that are there. Fun lifestyle, but with me and the kids at home alone. So yes I was a prime candidate to have an affair. He was just out there. From what I know now both of our EN were not being met.

Michele: Maybe one of the sacrifices your H needs to make for now is to back off on the fishing. He needs to be willing to give up some of the things that interfered with your M. And surely it distracts him from the kids. He seems to be obsessed with fishing. I don't think most of us would find those regular marathon fishing days acceptable even in a great M.

I know you shouldn't demand it. But, perhaps it can be a part of your negotiations.

Hang in there!

It has been THE bone of contention. This is year long. It does not stop in the winter time. It will be the item that could make or break us. We are compatible on most other things. It has gotten out of control. But I wanted him to be happy and that is what made him happy. So I tried to make a life at home for me and the kids where we would just go out and do as we wanted while he was gone. Sad state of affairs. Very lonely at times, but I thought my job was to make him happy.

I guess you've tried those wrist bands?

They worked for me on a cruise...but we didn't have rough seas on the cruise. I also used Ginger capsules and ginger snaps as a prevention.