It will help if he will go through the MB home study course together.

Then he can learn about POJA and what Harley says about agreeing on recreational activities etc. and time spent together.

"""The church is very small and I know the pastor so I don't think I could go that route. I would have to get someone that was totally unbiased."""

Michelle,

Do not be so quick to discard your pastor as an option for either counseling, or a counseling referral. He may have a pastoral colleague he can refer to.

You sound concerned that his knowing you is a deficit. If your neighbor was a heart surgeon and you needed a bypass, you wouldn't steer clear of him b/c he was you friend, right?

Remember that your pastor is bound by the same confidentiality fules as any priest or doctor. If you want to ask for a referral, you don't have to say why. Lots of people get a little counseling here and there.

If you are in the Tri-State (NY, NH, CT) area, you might call the Lutheran Counseling Center, Mineola, NY. They have Christian counselors all over the tri-state area.

As you have already been advised, the Harleys come very highly recommended.

Best of luck!

I think we need a bit of advice at this point. The OW is wacked. She is throwing around the suicide thing. My husband sent her that NC in an email this morning. And low and behold she has called him at work ,emailed him some crazy things. Saying that I'm nuts and all sorts of weird things. She has told my H she wants to end it all. She is going to the bank to get her $ out for her mom etc etc. This is very bizarre and my H is asking what should he do? I told him I would ask all of you experts. I think he should say "do what you have to but no more contact". Does anyone know of someone who actually committed suicide after an affair ended? We need some quick answers so this will stop. She is calling his work and that just can't happen. Please all you wonderful people ,bring it on.

bump

Michelle,

She is manipulating. She sounds like a borderline personality - attractive, manipulative, narcissistic. Borderlines very rarely do anything to hurt themselves.

What to do? Refer these reports from her to her H.

Your H is responsible to and for himself, you, and your kids. Period.

I know this is hard, especially as you H is in a healing profession. We healing professionals always tend to think in terms of the worst case scenario..."What if..." And we tend to personalize things. Bad idea here. This is about her, not you and your H.

But, the bottom line is this: Each of us is responsible for ourselves, and responsible to our families.

One more thing:

Your H should NOT, under any circumstance talk to, or see her. He can e-mail her a referral to a mental health professional, i.e. psychiatrist, psychologist, psychiatric nurse practitioner.

But, if he communicates with her any other way, she is successful in continuing the manipulation.

My guess is that she wants a 'meeting' with him, so she can attempt to manipulate/convince him to continue the A/leave you.

Again, tell her H about her "suicide threats" and e-mail her a psych referral. End of story.

Good luck. I know this is so hard.

She is pulling all the stops to keep him in her life and if he reacts now, it will never stop. If he is committed to you and your M, then all contact must stop.

If he truly feels she is in danger, then she can be
51-50'ed (involuntarily committed). Anyone can make the call. I suggest you refer all of this to her H to deal with. She is not your issue anymore. Period. If he gives in now, everytime she feels him slipping away, it will be some new, bigger thing.

No Contact is No Contact.

Your H should not speak with her. Change your email, block her addresses, change your phone numbers and/or monitor your calls with an answer machine or voice mail.

If she somehow gets through to either of you, offer her the number 1-800-SUICIDE and hang up.

That is what I thought you all would say. I will tell him. I have read her emails back to him and it is actually very disturbing. This is a 36 yr old, dentist and LTCR in the Coast Guard. She is knockout. And here she is as crazy as a loon. Gosh I don't know what we have here now.

One more suggestion Michele.

If she doesn't stop, call the law enforcement agency covering her area. Tell them what's happening---she's harassing you with desperate suicide threats. They'll send a unit out to her home to check on her welfare and evaluate her. If she's seriously in need of help, they make sure she gets it and warn her about continuing to call.

Don't allow her to interfere in your life any further Michele.

Get those blocks in place and, if you can, get out of there for a few days away for you and your H.

Michelle,

My FWH's XOW was also a knockout - former USC cheerleader, champion swimmer, had a facelift just prior to the start of the A (no one will ever convince me there was no connection), always dressed to kill, high level exec in a Fortune 100 firm.

Underneath it all, she was a scheming, lying, manipulative, yes, borderline personality, serial cheater. Pretty pathetic.

Protect yourselves and your kids. Refer this back to her H, and if need bem the authorities.

I think there was one WS who committed suicide here, several years ago.

I agree with Nerly - inform the police that she is threatening suicide. In the meantime, watch yourself - we have had a BS attacked by the OW after exposure.

Oh Boy this is not what I was expecting. Here I was having a bad day, crying in the car and now this. I'm floored. I will contact OWH. I will watch my back. I do not know if she knows where we live, but she knows where his boat is and I'm sure she could find us if she wanted to. We're in the book. She could start doing and saying all sorts of crazy things about my H which could tarnish him, and us.

I have this feeling of contentment. I know that's terrible, but this is a woman my husband thought about leaving me for. And here he is asking for my advice about what to do. She has shown her true colors and they are ugly. I think this will help him in the withdrawal stage. He'll be running away. I know that's bad to say too. He won't know which way is up. I will be here for him. Period.

Michele -

Chances are you will be just fine. I just wanted to warn you what has happened here before. Our member, Filly, was getting out of her car in the parking lot at K-Mart when OW attacked her with a pool stick. She didn't see it coming, and ended up with a broken jaw, and face bones.

So just watch who is around you until all of this settles down. It happened to Filly on D-day, or the next day - I can't remember which.

ok I will be aware. Thanks everyone for responding so quickly. My H is just going to have to do what he has to do.
I will post back later. Thank you all so much.

Michele, like the others said, the worst thing he can do is respond to her in any way. She is trying to manipulate him into not ending contact. This is not that uncommon. Hang tight and keep us posted!

Michele,

Maybe it's time to remind her you could always call the command, and explain the entire situation, including the suicide phone calls to her C.O.

Can y'all pack up and take a short vacation?

hello )

Lurker stepping out , Wonderfull news on your husband
I have been following your story . One thing you might
want to consider if you contact the OWH and he isnt helpfull with OW's threats about hurting herself .
Call her commander , let him know about the suicide threats . He can order her to go talk to a mental health professional . Really , the reason she is acting like this is the bed she made . But , its a option if your husband feels the need to help her. Im not saying this to
encourage you to try and hurt her or anything ( although , it would of briefly crossed my mind , in my case ) Its just a option .
Anyways , back to lurkdom , best of luck to you .

Susan * who must get around to typing out her story someday
Edited by me living proof you shouldnt get up and leave the PC while typing, it causes you to repeat yourself . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />