Hi Michele,

I would inform this OW that as long as she continues to attempt contact with your H. There WILL be contact between you and her H. I know you have no desire at this point to contact her C.O., but maybe you should find out his or her name and phone number "just incase you need it quick like".

I really think that exposing her to the C.O. with the all the information you have, and explain you want nothing more than for her to leave your family alone would solve that problem. At a minimum it would make her think twice about saying or doing anything rash, knowing another conversation with her boss would make her life miserable, although nothing in comparison to what she has done to yours.

Keep in mind the time she has put in to make LCDR tells me she is career military. She will not want to put all that time in jeopardy.

Inform the C.O. your H has requested NC, and make the evidence available (if needed), and she is not honoring that request.

Good Luck, and hang in there sounds like its going good so far. Not to say that makes it any easier!

Oh good! This is a good thing. I'm glad he is coming home for lunch.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Michelle,

Just wanted to echo the sentiments regarding contacting the C.O. I am concerned about her 'threats', her 'warning'.

This kind of threat, IMO, should be met firmly without fear.

As a military officer, this is what she will understand.

Red flag, Michele.

It may very well be that she was making things up, but experience tells me that she might have been hitting him with some truth of things he DID say, things he would be ashamed for you to hear, things he will deny he ever said if OW has her chance to tell you about them.

Just don't believe everything he says right now. Even though he has come "clean" doesn't mean he isn't going to try to hide details from you that he feels could hurt you, or even make you want to leave him.

Make it safe for him to be openly honest about the details. You can say something like, "you know, WH, it just doesn't make sense that OW would say you said things that you really didn't. What kinds of things?"

He then tells you, for instance, that she claims he said he never really loved YOU, or that OW was the only woman who ever really understood him. Perhaps she will claim he told her he would leave you in a nanosecond and spend his life with her.

Some of this might turn out to be true. If you tell him that you know he's probably said some things to her that would hurt to hear, but you need the truth, that will prod him to come totally clean, about everything.

Have a good lunch.

~ Snow

Snowbelle,
At this point I have no doubt that he gave her indications that we were through. About some time in April we had a bad argument and H kept saying he would not live the rest of his life in a sexless relationship. It didn't make alot of sense to me because we have always had relations. Never have I held that back. Well during DDay that was brought up and he said he really meant loveless, not sexless. So I believe during that period is when he really thought about leaving me. And he probably told her that. It was a bad fight.

Healing, I have no fear of talking to OWH if I need to, but I don't feel like I do at this point. I relayed the suicide thing out of pure concern. I don't want any physical harm to come to anyone. But that is it. I will not call him again. If he wants the evidence he will need to contact me. I will contact her CO if she doesn't stop trying to contact H. My H has told his receptionist not to allow OW calls to be relayed back. He said it has been a quiet day. So either this is a good sign or there's an explosion coming. I just don't feel like she will quit. She did call his fishing buddy. He is a mutual friend. The buddy emailed H and told him that OW was rambling about all sorts of stuff and he asked my H if I really bugged his truck. So the buddy didn't know about this before, now he does. My H told him that we were ok but OW is wacked. Buddy said he probably wouldn't talk to her much any more. I suspect he knows everything now.

H ,me and the kids are heading to a movie tonight. I have noticed that my oldest seems happier right now. He seemed sad and cranky lately. Talked back to me alot, but since DDay I have felt better and in turn I think he feels better. He even said yesterday that I seemed in a good mood.
I was trying to hide all this, I guess that's hard to do. It's amazing who does pick up on your sadness. 2 other people mentioned to my MIL that I seemed sad. One was my 15 yr old nephew and the other was her sister we saw on father's Day. I was trying but I guess I wasn't doing very well. I just think it's great that there are people around thoughtful enough to notice. It made me feel good.

We'll stay on track. I'm cancelling my appointment with the lawyer. I do not feel that a separation agreement is needed. I really feel that we are going to work this out. It's amazing to know that we were both needing the same thing but neither of us were willing to put it out there after all these years. I will maintain my healthy skepticism(sp?) and watch carefully and caringly over H. Keep the advice coming.

I think this weekend will tell us alot about what OW has in mind. She knows he'll fish sometime and she knows where his boat is. Even if it doesn't happen this weekend (if he doesn't fish) she has a chance to go there anytime. My guess is that she will show up there eventually. But having his buddy with him I think that will help. Maybe I'll try to fish with him some this weekend. That might work. But he will be over there eventually without me. He already entered 2 fishing tournaments costing several thousand dollars. There's one in July and 1 in August. I think she knows about them. I'll be meeting him at the dock when he gets in. As long as she stays away we'll be ok.

I read a post and thought I saved it but didn't. It was Bob pure I think, but cannot find his name. it was about how he felt as a BS. Does anyone know this post? I would really like to print it so my H can some day see my feelings. It was very well written and truly insightful. Thank you.

Found it.

Michele,

Can he move the boat back to a slip closer to the house, and further from her?

Also I will gladly fly in to assist you in keeping an "eye out" for some line time off shore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He can move the boat, probably not right away. He just signed a contract on this new one for a year. But might be able to work something, just don't know yet.

Everything is quieting down. He said she tried to instant message him and wrote"forgot about this didn't you?" He had cancelled an email address that she knew and had cut all other communications. He had taken her off his contact list, but I guess if he is on her contact list she can still see him. I guess he will have to change the other email address if it continues.

He has been treating me like gold. I had a bad time after the movie last night. I went upstairs to breakdown. He came up and held me and said he would try forever to make this up to me. He knows how much he hurt me (so he thinks) and wants to do what ever he can. We talked some more about his A and he told me details about the trip he took with OW. He said they fought alot because she wanted him to leave me and he hadn't decided yet. At least I don't have to imagine this beautiful trip that was all perfect and all. I told him that there is a lot of pain and anger inside of me, but I didn't want to yell. He said he understood and would stand there and let me yell at him as long as I needed. It's a good thing. I am seeing the man I fell in love with when I was 17. We are talking on a level that we haven't been since.

We will see how the day goes and if she tries any contact. What do you mean fly in to assist? You a pilot or something?

Michele -

All of this sounds very promising. Be sure to spend the 15 hours a week doing fun things together that this site suggests.

I would watch very carefully for OW, but not let thoughts of her ruin the fragile rebuilding of your marriage.

Can you go fishing with your husband? I love to fish, and spend many, many hours with my sons. Fishing involves a lot more than catching fish. Our times together are spent doing lots of talking, sharing, and laughing.

Good luck, girl - you're doing fine. If you need to vent, come here and do it.

We are going fishing on Sun together with a friend and our oldest and maybe my FIL. I do like to fish and always fished with him until the kids were born. And also as I've gotten older seasickness has become a huge problem. I mentioned earlier that I have tried everything! And I mean everything. Some things work as far as me not getting sick, but then I can't keep my eyes open. The wristbands and oils behind the ears and even the electronic zapper that you used to need a prescription for didn't work. I'll just have to be tired. I can handle that. Well I'm looking forward to it.

I am not doing really good today. There's hasn't been any contact, but I still feel like I can barely survive. I thought there would be some relief from the pain after DDay. I guess the anxiety of the need to confront is gone, but that's it. Like someone posted it's like the dead walking. I want to talk some more to H, but I don't want to stir things too much. How do you get through this? What's the key? Everyday is the same.

Michele,

Glad to hear about the fishing date. I will pray for a super steady stomach for you on that day.

As for the walking dead, yep, you are entering the rollercoaster ride. Some days you'll feel pretty confident and everything will look up, and the next you'll be so full or anger and venom that you'll want to strangle your WH.

It's a long haul, but how you get through it is day by day watching for him to earn your trust again. And counseling. That helps. Will the two of you be seeking a MC?

One thing that a lot of people have found helpful is to set up a specific day and time (like Friday nights when the kids have gone to bed, for one hour) and they will talk about the affair. YOu have questions and hurts that need to be addressed. But you don't want to spend every waking moment talking about "it." That just gets in the way of the healing, too. At first you might set aside an hour every night, then only three nights, two nights, as you wish.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

Snow,
I was glad to see you posted back. You're right I don't want to talk about it all the time. I feel that it takes away from the progress we make. If you can call it that.

I will probably need to talk to someone. I find if I can talk to someone I can almost distance myself from it. Maybe that's not good either. But I feel better. I need to keep reading.

I saw your post about your 3rd Anniv. I'm sorry Snow that you woke up like that. You seem like a deeply caring person and I hope all is better in the light of day.

Yep, all's better in the light of day, Michele. Thanks.

When our MC told us that it takes, on average, TWO FREAKIN' YEARS for a marriage to recover from infidelity, I nearly threw in the towel right then and there. I thought there was no way after Dday two that I could exist in that kind of pain for two more years.

Then he explained that the pain would change from the white hot, searing pain of the early days, to a throbbing shot now and then and finally a dull reminder only occassionally. But to do the work necessary to figure out what happened, and to take the steps to change the way we related to each other, it was going to take time. And he was right. The guy was good.

You just have to go day by day in these early days. Keep coming here to vent your anger... but don't hide your very real pain from your husband, either. If you break down and cry, and he gets upset, just let him know that you know he's trying and that you would appreciate a big hug instead of, oh, his turning away (real common). Tell him what helps you (like when he holds you). Let him know you get a little crazed when he's away because you fear they are talking. Explain that you want to gain trust back in him but you are afraid and it will be some time before you can let your guard down (that means you're a healthy human being!).

Stuff like that. Share it, but balance it.

~ Snow

Thanks. That makes sense. He has not turned away. He has been very good and kind. We're heading to his parents pool for a late night dip with our 7 yr old. It's a good thing. I'll be posting soon, Thanks again.

Well, the OW has tried several times to contact H today. He told me about them. I think all of them. She's playing a game with me now. H told her that I was checking his emails(when he last talked to her the other night). So she writes this nasty email and sends along a letter he wrote her. Yeah it went right to the core. And again broke my heart. H had written it around 4/22/05. I see how far it had gone. But she did this on purpose cause she knew I would read it.
So right now H is writing a very detailed account of their relationship, every gory detail and I wait for each chapter to be printed out. I need to know it all so I'm not blindsided again. OW has called H best fishing buddy and told him everything. But after this last attempt to hurt me, his buddy called her a b#*ch. They used to be good friends. They are all seeing her true colors. Matter of fact fishing buddy stopped over this evening. It was nice. Almost like a show of support. I'm going to get through this and we're going to make it. This detailed account will answer my questions. It might be much for some, but I need to know.
I think we are making progress.

Michele, you are doing really well! Hang in there! Sounds like Hubby is cooperating with you. I admire your grace.

As for your need to know: I think if you want the details you should have them. It gives you an edge in fighting the OW. I think others would say the details might haunt you in the future. You have to fight that and not let the story eat at you if at all possible.

OW's crazy antics seem to be working in your favor. Have you made up your mind about exposure to her superior? Or did I miss something?

Once the details are out, the OW will have lost her grip. She is already losing her marbles.

So while the details are gory, what else is the OW gonna do? Well, she could make stuff up. Claim your H is harrassing her, even try to file an RO by making up bogus charges.

Give serious thought to your H filing an RO against the OW before she does it to him. I wish my H had.

L.

Kaj,
I have decided not to expose to her CO yet. Apparently (or what she is saying in her crazy emails) because I called her H about the suicide threats she has been under observation at work. That is what she said and she is obviously very pissed that I told her H that. I don't know if it is true. But she is really pissed. She is also saying she may transfer out of the area. When my FIL had fished with all of them right before this happened, she had told him there were opportunities in Alaska for Coast Guard dentists and she had "thought" about going. Now she says she probably will. Who knows. That would be a blessing. But I'm not holding my breath. I think if she continues to contact I may just have to go to CO with a formal complaint through my lawyer.
Orchid, I will give serious thought to a RO. That never occurred to me. That would make very good sense. I will keep up this battle of love.