Well, I received a letter from my STBX stating that he will be asking for an interview with my "boyfriend" (I don't have one but did go on a date). He's also saying he will be getting a background check on him. He's lost it! I don't think he likes the fact that I went on a date.
He also says that he wants me to change my last name back to my madien name. I'm NOT doing that for my son's sake. How do I deal with this crazy person? I'm so over this! He just won't stop!

YOU DONT! You just ignore him...He has NO RIGHT to meet your BF...give me a break! What, is he your father...NO...do not even respond to it...or just say...uh huh, sure, when he!! freezes over...

As far as you changing your name..that is YOUR decision...not HIS...dont deal with his craziness...

BTW, mine is doing the same thing...one breath he says he's going to harrass my BF's, even though I dont have one...and another he says he loves me! and then demands me not to call his girlfriend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You are his posession and he wants to control you! that's just it!

Dear Threereich,

It's funny how the WS, of all people, can get jealous still. But it's not really that crazy, just very foggy. The two of you have been together since you were quite young and I suppose STBX considers you as "his" and needs to let that go. It's an immature, childish reaction.

As you have a son together who will be sharing the two of you for the rest of your lives, I would suggest to remain calm, how ever hard that might be.

If STBX is expecting some sort of reaction, you could respond with "Thanks for being concerned about my well-being. But I'm an adult woman now and I can make my own choices, and I have the right to make my own mistakes, if I make them." If you can say it without sarcasm, that is.

Asking for an interview? What is he, a cop? A lawyer?

You have every right to be steamed about his ridiculous shenanigans. But I agree with MF4M. Have a good laugh at his expense and ignore his silly patter.

He has no right to ask, let alone demand, anything from you. If you must offer an explanation, give one on the name change: "I would LOVE to take back my maiden name, but I think that would harm DS by having a mommy with another name."

Now, I would be tempted to add, "even when I remarry some wonderful, caring, handsome man some day I will consider keeping DS's surname because his happiness is my main goal."

But that's me. I always talk too much!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have been divorced from my daughters father for 13+ years and he still acts this way. one day he actually came over when I moved into my new place and did a walk thru when my daughter answered the door. I was in the shower locked in my room, so I could not stop him.
Sometimes, ex's have boundary issues. He frequently calls to check in, whenever his gf and him fight. As if we are still a "family". I am polite with him, but have learned that when he crosses the line, I only need to say that is enough and stop. Hang up. Whatever. Only what concerns my daughter, concerns "us" as parents. Period. He made that decision long ago.
I am cordial. He makes choices from there. I don't respond to unreasonable demands. I think there is actually something they referred me to on here about this. Some quickstart guidelines. Read those.
I am going thru it right now, again, but already have used that on him in the past.
DON'T let him push your buttons. He has no power that you don't give him. This is something I am sure of.
Best Wishes...

Thanks for all the advice! I don't plan on responding back to his craziness at all. He is just driving me nuts. He writes stuff like "I had the courage and respect to leave a marriage I wasn't happy in". WHAT??? He cheated and left. Where is the courage in that? Am I missing something?????
I really worry about his mental state. He's gone off the deep end. I do worry that he will see this man out and say something. He has no right. I'm not "with" this person but if I wanted to be he could ruin it for me by acting like a crazy person. This is just annoying the heck out of me. I just want this over with!!!!

Think of it this way. If he ruins it with this person, is this the kind of person who is really going to be there for you if it is during hard times? Let the ex(or soon to be)bring it on.
And you don't have to do anything. He only makes himself look foolish. Keep me updated. This is interesting. I think you could turn this around and realize your power.

Dear ThreeReich,
though you might feel better by shouting "you stupid idiot, leave me alone" to your STBX... I think it would be wise to plan a long-term strategy that will guarantee you the least possible trouble. Especially if he is that foggy to write you such stuff. You'll have to deal with him many times in the future, picking up or dropping off your son, making arrangements for holidays. Don't give your STBX reasons for making that into a battlefield. Don't give in to his jealousy, either. Be polite and calm - but don't give in.

Well, the best thing to do with some like this is to say, "Thank you for sharing your unsolicited and unappreciated opinion, however, I will be making my own decisions." As for the name, you can change your name to Antonia Rumpelstiltskin Schwartzenegger and it is none of his business.

Don't let him get you down.

Tree...

Will there be, or has there been, a psych eval of the OW?

GC

Tree

Seriously, the man's finally gone gaga.

Document all this craziness.

Tree,

My mother once gave me this piece of great advice that I have referred back to many times:

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

Froz

Tree

I wonder what WH would say if you suggested a background check for French Onion Kooze ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tree,

You guys are still married, right?

I don't know how "nuts" he is in general, but if you're still married...

Tree,

It's called "Nunya"...

As in "Nunya business"

You have the power, do not relenquish it by catering to his rediculous demands.

RebornMan

Tree, one thing graycloud may be getting at...

If you've formally requested that your son not be around OW, your husband has the same right to anyone you may go out with.

Just something to think about.

Well, last night was absolutely horrible. I had gone to my friend's house for dinner and the guy that I went out with was there having dinner with us. My STBX called and I answered because I thought it was my son. I walked out on the porch to talk. We got into it and of course I was crying my eyes out. I doubt I'll be going on another date with this guy. He seemed a little annoyed. I do really like this guy but I think last night blew it.

TR,

Please,for now,do not do anything that *may endanger your case.That should be the priority right now.Tell your male friend that you need to get this D over and done with first.He should understand.If not,then maybe he is not worth knowing anymore.This is a tumultuous time and you need to keep your focus.I am a big advocate of not getting involved with anyone until the D is long over with and you have had time to heal.For SO many reasons.

And DON'T talk to WH anymore.Let your Lawyer handle it or only do e-mails if you can.Getting an e-mail is a lot less emotional than talking with a WS on the phone,at least in my book.

I think,like the Depo threat,this whole business about WH wanting an "interview" with the so called BF is ludicrous.He is just grasping at straws with nothing better to do with his time,obviously.If you are going to interview people,the OW is definitely fair game too,as GC eluded to.

~Hang in there~

O

OctoberGirl....
You are right! I had a break down last night and it opened my eyes to a few things. I think I needed to get to that point last night. I've made a few desicions and I'm going to stick with them. I have to let go of all of this. I can no longer let this rule my life. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist and a doctor. I think I need some help and I'm so stubborn and thought I could do all of this alone. I can't!!!
I will focus on my son and try to find peace with all of this. I can't hold onto this anger anymore!

Tree, I think you've resisted grieving. I couldn't count the number of times you've written, "I'm so over this!" or "I'm so over him!"

What did someone say to me once... the best way to get through a painful loss is to suffer the way a child suffers. Which is to say, without restraint.

You're no beginner at this, so I think you know it's true.

You were crying and this fella seemed annoyed? Let that one dangle a bit. Maybe he wasn't - maybe you misinterpreted. Or maybe he was, which doesn't seem like a real compassionate response.

GC