I'm having an affair. I've been married for 4 years - and about 5 months ago started hanging out with a friend. Friendship led to an EA - EA lead to a PA. Now I want to stop it, and don't know what to do.

I told my spouse that I was attracted to this person before the PA started - and the response was that it was 'exciting'. I was devestated. If the situation was reversed the other persons head would have been on a plate. But my spouse not only supported the friendship, often times would tell me to go hang out with this friend. A couple months ago my spouse seemed to wake up and realize that I was spending all this time with my friend and started making some comments about it.

My spouse is wonderful - fully supportive, financially and materlistically. Physically we are non-compatible. I am more active, like to run, do sports etc. He is not. I can no longer say that I truly love him. He is close to 300 pounds, and I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I've brought up the health issue and it's not getting anywhere. He'll do okay for a while, then go nuts and say it's 'just' this one meal. It's a very difficult situation. He's a wonderful man and most women would give their left leg to have a guy like him.

My need for a recreational companion was the path, and I still need a recreational companion.... preferably one of the same sex apparently. It's funny, cause the OM gave me he HNHN book to read.... after our PA started. He is planning a future that includes me, and I'm trying to figure out how to tell him that I want my husband.

I've read posts on here for a couple of months - and everything seems to be from the spouse that's being cheated on. I'm not sure if I'm missing it, but there doesn't seem to be anywhere for the cheating spouse whose looking for help reforming to go.

I know I need to institute a policy of no contact. I tried a couple of weeks ago to break it off to a distastrous result. It lasted less than 24 hours before we were 'together' again. It was emotionally devestating.

My husband and I are going on a long drive today, with a copy of the HNHN book and are going to talk the entire way. I'm not sure if I should tell him of the affair - the EA is much more of an issue than the PA. I read in a post that woman trade sex for love, men trade love for sex. I can completely understand that aspect of it.

Should I tell him about the PA?

Is there any other women, or men out there who stopped the affair without revealing it? I know this will not make life easier - but my husbands ex cheated on him, and he stayed married to her even AFTER she got pregnant from OM. He finally left because she CONTINUED to cheat.

I don't want my marriage to end - I want my husband to meet ALL of my needs. I dont know if he's willing to though, and it's frustrating to no degree.

I want to be wanted by my husband - not told 'it's okay, kind of exciting' when I told him I was attracted to this guy.

Suggestions? Anyone? Please?

Lost,

I'll bet money he won't say it's "exciting" or "okay" if you were to confirm with him your PA.

You need to tell him about the A. Now. today, on the drive. The entire A, not just the E, but the P, too. Yes he needs to fill those particular needs for you, but he also needs to know that you actually went away to have someone else fill them for you -- maybe that will show him the importance of those needs to you.

I'm not making excuses for your affair; there is never any excuse, but honey, how is he supposed to know how drastic the problem is if you are holding some of the info back? Otherwise, he may continue to say and think things like okay and that's exciting.

You owe him the truth. You do. And his knowledge will keep you accountable.

Tell him.

Then we can work on the rest! You know we are always here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

StillLovingHim

Cajun, I'm glad you are able to see your infidelity in some what of an appropriate light. You recognize you have a need that needs to be filled. My guess however from what you've described of your H is that he isn't going to be the one to fill the need. I'm sure you knew this when you married him.

You will have to have this need for recreational companionship met by a female friend, yes. Glad you see that. As far as where to go from now, get counseling. You need to end the infidelity if you intend to save your marriage. Your poor spouse, having to deal with this in both marriages. It is going to reck havoc on his self esteem if he has any left from his first wife.

I am no expert. Only sharing what I think you should do. Go to marriage counseling and without your spouse present, confess the A. MC can provide a safe place to share this, but make sure your MC is in on it first. I'm sure they will advice you and guide you to end it with the OM and once it is revealed, how to rebuild your marriage. In my opinion, I think you must tell your H, but be careful how you do it. I found out on my own and it was more devestating than if he would have confessed.

I like the concept of HSHN, but I think it is unrealistic. Nobody can fill all your needs except the Lord. Your H is human and like you and he may have failed at meeting your needs just as you have failed him by cheating on him. I just don't want you to expect that 1 person is capable of meeting another persons every need. My h learned the hard way when the OW wasn't able to do that for him either. Reality set in.

You are on the right path, wanting to end this and knowing you are wrong and still wanting your marriage. The only thing I can see helping is serious counseling.

Good luck
2

GHM,

Hun, you aren't expected to FILL EVERY NEED...the top 5 will do and your marriage will feel incredibly successful.

HNHN is extremely important to the whole marriage and you NEED to buy into it because if you expect God is going to fill 4 of the 5 YOU should be doing then you'll find D-Day 2, 3, and 4 coming soon.

Don't mistake what I am saying as a lack of faith in the least but YOU DO have a responsibility to fill those top 5 or your marriage is doomed.

Reborn

I realize that, but in my case and I'm sure in many others my H had an unrealistic expectation on certain needs being met. Thankfully, our MC was able to point that out to him. That is where I struggle sometimes with the HNHN thing. I don't think it clarifies that some folks will have a void to big to be filled by the spouse for whatever reason. That is where God steps in. I'm glad my H sees that both from the MC and when the OW wasn't able to fill that void for him either.

2

Hello,

I think if you truly wish to end this affair and save your marriage then you must be honest with your husband and tell him about the affair. I am sure he will not find it exciting that his wife is having sex with another man and putting his health at risk. Nevertheless this will hopefully be a wake-up call. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you. Not telling him allows you to continue the affair and allows you to continue to humiliate and totally disrespect your husband. At the very least you owe him for you to be honest
with him about the affair. This is the very least you owe him. I wish you luck.

This weekend was a miserable failure. He brought the books, and the ENQ (I had asked him to fill one out quite some time ago, but we never discussed them. ) so that we could discuss it - I thought it would be a good start to what's wrong. I spent three hours in the car with him and other than 'Can you hand me that?' and "look at that" conversations, we didn't talk at all. He listened to the radio, I read. I tried several times to talk to him, but there was no response.

I'm going to look for a marriage counseler today and see if I can find one that we can afford. It's so darn annoying, I've got my husband who I desperately want to talk to who won't talk to me, and the other man who loves to talk to me and will listen to me recite the ABC's (or so it seems) repeatedly.

I am so mad at myself for getting into this situation - and so mad at him for gettng me into this situation. Who in their right mind says it's 'okay' for their wife to be with another guy????? And what do I do if when I tell him he really DOESN'T care? We haven't had intercourse for almost 7 months -- and it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all. Not to say we haven't had sexual interaction - just not the sex part of it. Sort of a lay there and take it thing... and it has come close on a couple of occasions to feel as if I'm being raped. Nothing from him for days and weeks on end - no affection, nothing but negativity (which he admits is a problem) and then wham, lets have an orgasm tonight (oral or hand) and go to sleep. I don't want to get graphic on here - but there is supposed to be more to sexual intimacy than just a dang orgasm. I know the 'fog' aspect surrounds my relationship with the OM - but sexually it's more of an adventure...

I know this is all stuff that you have all dealt with - and it's probably salt in the wound for those who have dealt with cheating spouses. My first husband cheated on me and it was devestating - so I am angry at myself for stooping to this level of behavior, especially when I know the depth of betrayal that it will cause. But I am, and have been so unhappy.

I tried filling his EN (he left it for me to read, we just haven't discussed it) - and the number one was Domestic Support. So I cleaned, and cooked, and smiled while I did it (I hate house work). I made sure the bed was made, and the bathroom was clean. I had dinner ready, and did the laundry. And I starved for a thank you, or a 'nice job' or something. My top EN are appreciation/affection. So the laundry has now piled up, the bathroom is being overtaken by hair.

I just don't know what to do. I talked to OM last night - we spent 2 hours walking around the mall and talking. I told him that if I wanted my marriage to work I had to institute a NC policy - and that it's difficult for me to do that. I enjoy the avenue of affection/admiration that I get from him. But I know that if I don't cut that 'supply' off, I'll keep going back for more.

It's like having a crack addiction.... you HAVE to have more... or you feel like your dead inside.

Thanks for all the kind words - I truly appreciate the suggestions - sort of a 'reality' check on the situation.

I'll keep you posted on the MC situation.

I would just like to say as long as you are envolved with the other person you will always be in a fog about what reality is with your husband. You affair partner becomes an escape from reality and makes it difficult to work on real issues. So until you resolve to truely remove him out of your life you can never start to work on the real issues in your life.

And it does not mean your husband does not have problems, it just means you need to get yours straight. Having an affair is not the answer to problems. Work on your problems, and see if your husband will work with you.

Hello,

Let me get this straight. You spent 3 hours in the car with your husband and you did not tell him how you felt about his comment. You did not tell him that you are very sorry that you have been having a sexual affair on him. You did not tell him because of this affair you both must get into counseling to save the marriage. You of all people who have been cheated on in the past did not have the decency and respect to tell him the truth so could decide what he wants to do in the future and then you go and spend time with the OM at the mall talking about no contact? Oh please.... You either have truth and honesty in your marriage or you do not. Your husband deserves the truth from you. How can you not see this? By not being honest with him you are continuing to act totally selfish and continuing to demean your husband.
I think you are actually afraid to tell your husband the truth because you know that would be the end to the affair and down deep you do not want this. Either you believe in truth and honesty with your husband or lies and deception. I guess you know which one you prefer. I wish you luck.

BryanP - thanks so much for the honest response - a bit mean considering I'm on here looking for guidance and support while I try to DO the right thing.

We do not have, nor have we ever had, good communications skills. Can you imagine being in a vehicle with someone for 3 hours and not talking - it was actually 6 hours total? That's where we are at. The only time we talk is when we 'chat' on the internet. I explained to my husband that my relationship with the OM was a problem - that I was falling in love with this OM, and that I was scared because he was acting like he didn't care.

I am fully aware of the idiocy behind talking with the OM about NC. The OM gave me the HNHN book - otherwise I wouldn't have a clue of where to go, or hopefully how to fix this. We screwed up a wonderful friendship engaging in a PA/EA - and both of us regret it. I'm aware of all the problems, and aware of what I need to do to start repairing them. But when you are looking at a man and can't tell whether he CARES one way or another - it's difficult to work up the nerve to start the conversation.

Sure, lets stop for coffee. Oh, btw, I'm having sleeping with XXXXX. Starbucks okay?

It's not that easy. It's also probably not as hard as I'm thinking it is.

I desperately desire honesty in my marriage - but we didn't start that way - my husband and I met online - and he has 'friends' online (mainly girls) and has been caught swapping pictures online. It's a situation that is going to take alot of effort - and I don't know if he's willing to put in the effort.

Part of me rationalizes that my involvement with the OM has been with the support of my husband. All of my activities have been with my husbands full consent or encouragement. Call XXXXX and see if he wants to go with you... if the OM was gay, my life would be MUCH MUCH easier. Can you have an EA with a gay man if your female :-) - Sorry, bad joke, but at this point, I need the humor.

Hello,

I am sorry that I came across as mean. I did not realize that you told your husband that you were actually falling in love with the OM. I guess what I am hoping is that if you told him the truth then this would be a catalyst for your husband to open his eyes and try to recover and go into counseling. If you tell him what has been going on and his attitude is that he really doesen't care then I think it is time for you to move out of this marriage. Why would you wish to stay in a marriage where your spouse simply does not care about you sleeping with another man?

I have a hunch that your husband is rather selfish and sees the OM as a friend that will deal with your emotional needs so he does not have to deal with them. He clearly is not threatened by him. He could be in denial or really does not care. Again I would strongly suggest telling him the truth and discuss what does he want to do about establishing a real marriage? How he responds will tell you everything about his feelings and desires toward you and the marriage. The oppoisite of love is not hate but apathy. If he gets angry then this is good and you can hopefully deal and establish the beginning of recovery and a real marriage. If he does not care then you really need to look for a future with someone else. Again I am sorry that you saw me as mean. I was just trying to help.

BryanP - I told my husband BEFORE the PA started. It was still an EA. I told him - explicitly - that I wanted to have sex with the OM - that I didn't like feeling this way because I never EVER thought I'd sexually be attracted to someone else. I told him I felt guilty about it. This is probably where all the confusion set in. After telling him, and not getting a 'I'll kill him!' or 'Stay the heck away from him'... nothing 'negative' responding I was deeply hurt, and confused, and suprised. If my husband and told me the same thing, I am afraid I'd be doing time in jail. So...after a few weeks of the ongoing EA - the relationship with the OM developed into a PA.

I don't want to blame my cheating on my spouse - he didn't 'make' me do this - I put myself into a position (despite TONS of friends telling me NOT to hang out with someone of the opposite sex cause it was dangerous) to be in this situation.

I just don't know how to fix it... or I guess I do, maybe you are right and my H will not get upset, or do anything, and I'll have to make a decision that I don't want to make and leave.

I agree with you about the opposite of love...it's definitely Apathy... I knew with my first H, after 6 years of off again/on again finding out he was cheating (one night stands) when I looked at him and didn't feel ANYTHING - it was over. I packed up and went home. It was a very cold blooded situation. I had given all I had to give, and had nothing left to even get upset over.

C

Wow,

You said to your spouse that you were thinking of wanting to have sex with the OM and there was no reaction? If my wife said that to me I would be absolutely devastated.
The bottom line I think is for you to be proactive. Sit down your husband and lay out all of the cards and be truthful about everything. Keeping secrets is so destructive to a marriage. You both loved each other very much at one time and it can happen again. I sincerely believe his response to your affair will tell you whether or not he really cares. I know you know you need to be truthful to him. I pray that it will be a wake-up call to him. You cannot continue like this. I believe the old saying is correct in that Only the truth will set you free. I wish you luck.

I wandered back in here hoping that miraculously someone would have solved my problem...and that it would all be back to 'normal'. H & I talked at length today....about the fact that I'm not happy, and despite multiple requests/attempts to obtain help/support from him, that I'm exhausted from trying.

The OM is no longer a physical presence - he got called up to active duty and will be gone for a couple of years. That took the immediate pressure off of me by taking the 'problem' away. Now that he's gone...everything should fix itself right? Nope...the problems still there. My husband and I don't communicate at all.

The first 4 years of our marriage I paid attention to him...to his interest...I adopted his family customs...and now I'm tired of it. So I stopped...I told him that I was tired of only paying attention to his stuff...and that he needed to show ME that our marriage/relationship was important. I don't know if it will do any good.

He's a great guy...he works hard...provides well...but that's all materialistic stuff...and I need the emotional support.

I made changes to my health...and have lost about 50 pounds in the last months...started working out (found a FEMALE friend to work out with finally)...and found some friends that weren't surrounded by inactivity. I found friends that were strengthened by God...all the while feeling like I've got this dark little secret that keeps me seperated from them... I cheated..I cheated...I screwed around on my husband....

Lost is not a good way to be...

LC

aren't you being a bit unrealistic??

I'm assuming you did not tell your H you had the affair and expect him to understand the M situation is serious?

Why would he ? As far as he knows you told him you were attracted to OM and nothing has happened..he thinks.
I have to say his response is a bit, well, lacking unless he did not take you seriously.

LIke you I did cheat - while my H was deployed - and I tried to hide it from my h it took about a day back for him to work it out.

LC are you sure you are not simply afraid to tell him you cheated and keep making excuses not to?
Perhaps afraid to find out he does care a lot or maybe worse doesn't care at all?

LC sit your H down, turn off the freaking PC first & TV & radio whatever, and TELL him.
IF he's then in shock, or angry, or denies it etc that is normal... bring him to MB.
If he's not, if he says 'hey cool' then I bet you he's having an PA affair or EA or SOMETHING because thats not normal.

If he is normal, then he will decide if the M is wanted anymore regardless of your wants. I'm afraid thats the price of having an affair, but you know that. You went through it.

If you get the other response you need to discus with him is this a M or should we split talk.

None of its easy, but ask yourself...Is it ok to keep going as you are? THAT is my idea of ****** on earth.
If he is unable to, or does not want to love you then aren't you better to get out to allow BOTH of you a chance of finding that love?

Cajun:

I will try and get my wife on here to post to you when she has a chance, but in the meantime, you need to know something about what happens in a M even if it appears to be reconciled and you don't tell him the truth...the whole truth and no sugar coating and no keeping certain things from him because you want to "protect" him.

My wife had a 9 month LD PA more than 11 years ago. She finally came to her senses because she knew that she was wrong and that she had a committment to me and her family. However, she kept the truth compartmentlized and our D-Day wasn't until six weeks ago. The fact that she could live a "secret life" and not get caught or have any consequences allowed her to justify other dishonesties. Her actions as a result of her guilt and manipulations over the years caused me to continue to withdrawal from our relationship and could have very easily allowed me to have an A of my own. Our marriage was like a yo-yo. On the downswings it was pureDhell. The ups were alright and our sex life was average but lacked the true intimacy that a married couple should have. We did not try to meet each others needs, just managed through our marriage for the sake of our kids, fought viciously on a frequent basis and neither of us was happy. It wasn't until that I got to the point that I could no longer live like that and told her that either we get everything out on the table and work through whatever issues we had and rebuild our R or I was leaving and heading for a D.

I knew that my wife if she had an A would be very hesitant to face this with me, especially after all those years. I wrote her a letter and told her how that I felt and that I believed that something had happened at a certain point (beginning of A) that had changes our lives forever. After two days, she finally wrote me a letter back with the admission of the A. I was hurt and in shock but decided to find acceptance with her and work to save our marriage. We have adopted a policy of Radical Honesty, spend at least two hours each day of undivided attention with each other and talk about everything.

It was really difficult for her to talk about the A at first. After we broke through the first barriers and she understood that I was not going to be judgemental but that I needed to understand why it happened, how it happened and even some of the details in order to process and move forward, we have experienced the greatest intimacy of our relationship. We are now one, discuss everything freely (even things that I would have never been discussing with her before), are madly in love with each other and meeting each others EN (maybe not every one, but for sure the most important ones) and I am doing the laundry right now while she cleans the house so that we can go for our daily walk and come home to a house that is livable. We work together in our household, talk constantly and look forward to each moment we have together.

It is still hard for me to admit that the A was the best thing that ever happened to our R and M, but I now understand that we both needed a serious wake up call and learn to meet each others EN and grow together instead of finding satisfaction outside of our marriage.

You have to tell your H about the A. If he wants to salvage the M he will want to know more about the A and try and learn what he could have done to prevent it. If he doesn't care then I agree that he is getting his EN met somewhere else and if there are not two willing partners to try and rebuild the relationship, there is no chance of reconciliation. If you both can salvage your marriage it will be the most fulfilling thing you have ever done, but it will also be the hardest thing you have done.

BS (me) 41
FWW 39
PA 3/94 to 11/94
NC a long time ago
D-Day 8/26/05
Well on our way to recovery

Hi all..I'm back, and life is falling apart quick. I don't know why I keep coming back here...but I could use some help.

The OM didn't get shipped out - he got held up at a military base a couple hours away, and our relationship continued. I wish I could say I was smart and could stop it in a heart beat, but there are so many things in that relationshipo that I desperately feel as if I need...and my BH knows about all of it. I begged, and begged and begged to go get marriage counseling, and finally wrote him a LONG letter saying I was leaving unless we got some outside help.

So we started M/C and the counselor was shocked at how passive WH was. I told the M/C all of it..except about the affair (before you hit 'reply' - this was early on, now it's ALL out). We went to two appoints, and on the 3rd I confessed about the affair - only because BH hadn't brought upthe OM at ALL... not at ALL. Big White Elephant in the room.

So now, where am I? I told my BH that I wanted a divorce, he decided we'd just be room mates. He went to another state for a week - to get a break - and I'm growing more confused than ever. I found an email - explicit - from him to OW. I was devestated. I'm the one having the emotional breakdown here... whose off her rocker and completely confused...and he's abandoning ship?

I saw the counselor alone - and he thinks that taking some time out from everything would be good. BH isn't (wasn't) pushing me out of the house (I'm the primary breadwinner, and can afford to stay in the house, he can't), and the OM is housed 3 hours away so I can have a bit of distance.

This might make some people mad... but..how do you KNOW?? My BS is a nice guy - without a doubt I could depend on him to be there for the rest of my life... physically. He might not be there any other way though. He'completely and totally passive - and the counselor thinks he is 'scared' of everything. This was discussed in one our our M/C appts that the M/C spent 40 minutes talking only to him...he's a good provider, but we don't talk, we don't share... nothing. He's great at doing dishes, running errands.. but unless you want to talk politics or computers, he isn't interested.

The OM wants to marry me...marry me and have children. Children I'd long since thought I didn't want because my BS has 3 from a previous marriage that he basically ignores the existance of. I didn't want to have any more children with a man who could do that. The OM - we can talk for hours... when we were just friends (long before it got to this point) we would hang out as a group and talk non-stop. He's emotionally available, spiritually available (and yes, I'm aware that I'm being an idiot - how can someone who says they are a follower of Christ continue to engage in an affair - I'm working on dealing with the whole sexual disconnect issue - moral disconnect with the counselor), physically affectionate and always willing to try new activities.

Here's the p'off part... how do you know? How do you know if your making the right decision to get a divorce, or if your doing the dumbest thing you've EVER done in doing so?

My BS has pornography issues, and likes to have 'those' types of conversations with women - and has done so most of our marriage.. I ignored it... and ignored it... and he focused his attentions there... he's the type that'd be perfectly happy in an 8x10 room as long as he had a computer. Me, an 8x10 room better have doors and windows...and I prefer people in it... introvert v. extrovert I guess.

So... I'll wait for the responses... I seem to just be rattling on more than anything.

Thanks for your input/response/info.

In reading your thread, you give the sense that you are looking for approval, or to be excused, or are trying to justify/rationalize leaving your H for your OM.

Sorry. No.

Your M has its serious problems, but are you aware of the failure rate of Ms born out of As? It's really high.

Your H weighs close to 300 lbs. Since you've only been M 4 yrs., he probably weighed at least 250 when you M'd him.

Your H doesn't talk much. Are you telling him this is an issue for you? He doesn't compliment you. Are you telling him?

You have a responsibilty to ask for what you want.

The SA to porn is a real problem. It has to be dealt with. Why did you ignore it?

The two of you sound like conflict avoiders.

You've already had one failed M. You are setting yourself up for another. And another.

Before you toss this M in the trash, you need to give it 2 solid years, with MC, with NC, with your H on board.

Could you counsel with the Harleys? Expensive, but worth it. And they don't keep you in counseling forever and a day.