We talked for hours last night. Got some hope that plan A is taking effect. I invited her to come to dinner with me and the kids. She said she was tired and would rather stay home. I said "That's up to you, but we'd really like to have you with us." She changed her mind. I overheard her talking to OM. She was getting defensive. "I'm going to dinner with my family." Trouble in paradise?

Anyway, after dinner, we put the kids to bed and went out on the front porch, had a few beers, and talked. She mentioned that she hated seeing me in pain, but it was kind of nice to see me feeling something. I know this is fogbabble, but at least she knows I'm hurting.

I have been doing a very good job with plan A the last week or so. I have definitely been setting boundaries as far as C with OM, and being honest with me, but I was worried that she might be getting too comfortable with my happiness and forget that I am hurting. She hasn't.

We got into the reasons I loved her, and want to stay with her. I talked about the great things that I have always thought about her, but was not able to communicate to her very well. I could tell she was impressed.

Later we talked about OM. I asked her the stale question, why him? She said that he made her feel like he wanted her as a person. Not as a wife, or a mom, or a etc.. but her as a person. And also she felt that she could change him into a better person. That she would give him a reason to make himself better. (Sounds like a lot of work to make a diamond out of a lump of [censored]).

But she also said the the way he made her feel special was by noticing the things that I had said about her an hour before. I think I may have inadvertantly found some of the ENs that I wasn't meeting (and he was) and started filling them without her telling me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I could tell she noticed, too.

I'm not sure about putting this on here (I'll try to be discreet), but we also talked about some really great sexual experiences we've had in our 11 years. A strange thing happened. She asked me why I have never done a certain sexual tecnique with her (trying to be discreet here). I was shocked. I said that we had done that many, many times. She was too drunk to remember. I think it sunk in to her that she only had sex with me when she was drunk in the last 3 yrs or so. There have been maybe 5 or 6 sober experiences, but it usually was her drunk/me sober. I think she may have realized she hasn't been trying as hard as she thought.

In rewriting the history of our relationship, she makes it out to be that she tried 110% to make me notice her, but I was "bored with her" or "ignored her". It is true that I should have payed WAAAAYYYY more attention to her, but she was no angel either.

Anyway, I feel really good about plan A. There are definitely some doormat times, but I think I have learned how to communicate my feelings without LBing, and make her see that I am strong, attractive, and ready to do this.

Oh, wow! This is true progress!!

"I was worried that she might be getting too comfortable with my happiness and forget that I am hurting."

>This is not possible. Trust me. It just isn't. Keep in mind, at this point in her A, she's completely consumed with guilt and indecision. I was just there.

"she felt that she could change him into a better person. That she would give him a reason to make himself better."

>Ha! Reality will kick her in the @ss on this one sooner or later. If she's starting to see his flaws now, just you WAIT!!!

"Sounds like a lot of work to make a diamond out of a lump of [censored]"

>You just made me laugh so loud, it scared my admin outside of my office. How true, how true. HA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"I think I may have inadvertantly found some of the ENs that I wasn't meeting (and he was) and started filling them without her telling me."

>Way to go! Way to go!!!

"I think she may have realized she hasn't been trying as hard as she thought."

>Yeah, it's pretty sobering to finally discover that we're not perfect ... and have never been.

You're doing great! Remember these small victories. Tougher times may still be ahead, but if you can keep focused on the small wins, it's half the battle!

Great words of advice. I have learned not to get too excited when progress happens. I've been hit with it a few times in the past few weeks. I've even thought a few times. "Well I'm glad that's over... Recovery time". Reality has its way of setting in though. I kind of see one of my jobs right now as smoothing out the hills on my emotional roller coaster. Not overly excited, not overly depressed. A little of each when appropriate.

Hey DNM,

I like what you shared about not getting too excited when progress is made. I think that would keep me from getting too down and disappointed when there is a bad day.......Just try to keep it even-----But continuing on with PLAN A!

Glad you are making progress!!

Kim
D-Day May 14th
married 13 years
DS, age 5

Keep your chin up. I'm rooting for ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well. I guess my "not getting too excited" is paying off. I recieved confirmation yesterday that my worst fears are true. The PA is still in full swing. I am really getting into an evidence-collecting custody battle frame of mind. I feel like hell today.

What kind of confirmation?

Let's just say I know it's happening, but I can't prove it yet. I want to continue my plan A and will confront her tonight with my knowledge.

Let us know how we can help. Good luck with the conversation w/ your W tonight.

I have decided against the confrontation. I just don't think that I could remain calm enough. I will wait until I find a way to deal with the pain that has been caused by finding out AGAIN that she is still doing this. I have also heard too many details of their situation than I can digest right now.

I must say that my plan A strength is weakening, and my time limit is shortening. But I will push on through. I will win, or if not, I win anyway.

"I have decided against the confrontation. I just don't think that I could remain calm enough."

>Sometimes it's good to write down what you want to say. Sleep on it. Re-read it the next morning, and revise it if necessary to convey your thoughts and feelings once you've calmed down. Years in management has proven this is good practice.

"I must say that my plan A strength is weakening, and my time limit is shortening. But I will push on through. I will win, or if not, I win anyway."

>This is when Plan A is the hardest - when you know you've been betrayed. Times like this really pushes your love to its limits. One thing to note is that you do need to convey to her that you will not condone nor tolerate her behavior. If she continues, start thinking about Plan B. Hang in there. I agree. You will win either way.

Take care,

Thanks whisper, I really appreciate your input. Instead of the confrontation last night, I stood my ground on another issue.

She came to me and said, "There is something I need to ask you about." She was wondering if it would be alright if she watched (OM's Daughter) next week. OM's babysitter is out of town and he doesn't want her staying with OMXW's new white trash hubby. I about lost it. I said "let me think about it" and went outside, calmed down, had a cigarette, and thought about what I was going to say.

I came back in, waited for her to finish her bath and put on her pajamas. When she came back into the living room, I said "I have allowed our lives to continue like this for two reasons. You said you needed time to figure out what is in your head (fogbabble for sex with OM), I am giving it to you. I am using this time to prove to you that I am not bulls**tting about changing my ways. But I have to draw the line somewhere. I DO NOT want our children to be exposed to that kind of environment. I do not want our children or our home to be used to make OM's life easier. While I like (OM's D) and I am sad that she cannot be aroud our kids anymore, this is the choice that has been made." And I left it at that.

She said "OK" with a look on her face like she had been kicked in the stomach. I changed the subject, and we ended up laughing before going to bed. Separately, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But it felt good to stand my ground. My plan for the confrontation about the PA continuation is still being developed, I'll keep you posted.

Congratulations,

Clearly she was beginning to see you as a total doormat and you put a stop to it. You see she will not respect you if you allow her to walk over you and humiliate you. She will in the end respect you when you stand up to her and fight for your marriage by not allowing another man to have sex with her. Good for you!

Well, I confronted her about the continuation of the PA last night. It started when my son came to me when I got home and said "We went to the park today with OM, but don't tell (our daghter), it's a secret." I was pissed. But I waited.

Later, I told WW that I knew that she was still having sex with OM. She, of course, got super-defensive and said "LIKE I NEED MORE CONFUSION RIGHT NOW". I said "You don't have to deny it, just know that I know. I wouldn't be saying this now, but I though I made it clear last night that I did not want the kids involved."

She wanted to know how I know. I said, "I could sit here and shoot off signs I've picked up and evidence I have found, and you could come up with explainations for them. I am sick of that game. The reality is that we both know what you are doing."

She went in to give the kids a bath. I thought about what had went down. A couple of hours later, I said, "I didn't make myself as clear as I wanted. I will put it like this:

I know what's going on.
It's not uncommon, or unique.
I WILL NOT tolerate the involvement of our kids.
It serves to make 2 people happy temporarily.
It hurts everyone else that cares about you.
As far fetched as it may seem, we can still make it through this."

Then I introduced my copy of SAA. I said "This book brought me from a state of wanting to kill OM and never see you again to one of understanding, hope, and love. Maybe it could help you with what is on your mind. I haven't asked you to do much through all of this, and what I have asked you have not done. I just ask one thing, that you read the first few chapters of this book with an open mind."

Well her friend called me today and told me that WW was mad at her and won't talk to her, so could I please relay the message that she owes her money for the cell phone bill b/c she used it to talk to OM! I told WW's friend that she was a manipulative B and that I hold her partially responsible for covering for WW while she was with OM. She said she could not look at me and the kids without crying and that she was torn between loyalty to her best friend and sadness for my family. I told that the time for that decision was a few months ago. She made it, and she needs to deal with it.

Your wife really needs some higher quality friends!

Relay nothing.

What nerve! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

DontKnowMuch,

FOR a man that does not know much you are sure Kicking A$$ and taking names. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I like how you are handling this now. No accusations, just statements of facts, statements of your boundaries, and rejection of her attempts to manipulate you. Well done. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Just a nod of approval for the path you are on, and a word of support. Stay your course, and stay firm on your boundries. If you have not fully exposed the affair, you should strongly consider it.

You are doing a great job. Stay the course.

SD

See my thread "I did a bad bad thing" I believe the a$$ kicking and name taking has come to an end

Nope,

You have nothing to apologize for. It was and is your phone and you sure as heck should be collecting data on her behavior. You look her in the eye and tell her you don't approve of the affair and surely not her lying and if she tries to put a guilt trip on you about taping her calls, tell her you will stop when she starts being an honest human being. Be firm, be polite, and stay on the offensive.

Might be time for some more napalm at her place of work or with her family.

God Bless,

JL