A quick unaimed post.

OM GF called me today for the first time in six months. She told me today was the first anniversary of OM & Squids 'first time'.

She seemed together but sad.

Interesting though. She was interested to hear how we were getting on, and was surprised that I thought we were doing well. Maybe she seemed a little disappointed even... understandbly.

She told me OM is a cowed and subdued man. OM GF gives him as many hellish vengeful days as she gives him loving reconciling days.

His life is miserable. Unfulfilled. She tells him once a week to f'k off out of the house if he doesn't like how she's behaving.

So...A year today huh ? Before I knew we started the day with WONDERFUL , loving SF while a humid thunderstorm raged outside the open bedroom windows.

I'm surprisingly not really bothered by the anniversary.

Makes it better for me knowing Squid really regrets it, and that much of OMs life is still a waking nightmare.

Maybe I should be more bothered ?

OM GF seemed strong and thats good. OM is in pain and thats also good.

Rereading this, maybe the anniversary hurts me more than I let on huh ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just felt like telling somebody, is all.

Thanks for your ears !

Bob, when I started reading I immediately understood why you weren't sad today. You aren't sad because you and your W overcame the adultery. You WON. You crushed the adultery that threatened to crush you and your family. You successfully drove it out. Is that why you don't feel sad?

Hey Mel !

I'm not sure how I feel. OM GFs call came out of the blue but...I just can't find it in me to be obsessively miserable about it.

Its not a nice memory, but as you say its memories of a dragon that I helped kill. I cut its chest, reached inside and grabbed the beating heart of the affair dragon and squeezed until it stilled in my hand.

Its an anniversary of a forgiven evil - perhaps its right that I treat it as a MEMORY but not with any vindictive sadness ? Isn't that what ForeverHers told me would be a result of my active forgiveness ?

I dunno Mel. All I know is my baby adores me, and when I go to bed in a while she'll slide my arm around her and hug it.

I guess I'm more recovered that I thought.

It was a Doozie of a fight though wasn't it Mel ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A DOOZIE of a fight. And I won.

Bob
I hope you don't take this wrong, but I had no idea it had only been a year! holy cow, you've done AMAZING amounts of work and recovery in what seems to me an unbelievably short amount of time! From your wisdom, insight and comprehensive knowledge of the MB world, I thought you MUST have been dealing with this stuff for years and years already.
Honestly, that just gives me more hope for my future. I hate to sound self centered, but I am really just beginning my battle against our dragons and it just feels like it will never end. I'm truly in awe of you, sir.
I read somewhere a comment of yours about exposure and the fear surrounding it, and that OM is a martial arts student and criminal... lordy. What a winner. Martial arts have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and I find it repugnant that this part of my world would be shared with the OM, a man displaying a profound lack of discipline, honor and strength... and yet I am fortunate enough to have read your words and ACTIONS of incredible power. YOU, my friend, are the true practioner of the Way that he profanes. I salute you and consider myself fortunate indeed to be in a position to learn from you

Bob-

Maybe the OM's GF was just looking for some reassurance from you, whatever the case may be, it's kinda of a creepy reason to call someone.

-Caren

All hail the victor! I wonder if those who fought the hardest recover the fastest? You were mighty brave, Babaranch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bob,

You ARE an incredible Victor. It just shows to all of us that it CAN be done. Thanks for sharing your story as I am sure it has helped so many & will help many more.

What a wonderful feeling it must be to have the one you love all to YOU!

Blessings!

Kim

Bob, I only read this after I sent you a silly e-mail about the rugby tonight.

You see, those aren't "anniversaries" any more, for me or for Rob. All we're worried about tonight is sitting down with a couple of glasses of wine and watching our guys thrash your guys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jen

I was going to mention to Squid about the aniversary this morning. But she ruffled my hair and bought me some coffee with a smile and I though "why would I bring her down over something she regrets and I don't really feel that bad over ?".

Mel, there might be something in that. The affair was SQUISHED brutally, not fading away. Maybe the brutal fight DID sever cleanly and allow for a surer personal recovery for me ?

Time to ponder and have fun with my family today.

" Almighty God, wonderful counsellor, Prince or Peace I praise your name in thanks for the blessing of my recovery. You empowered me with your amazing love and grace, and through the blessings of my MB brothers and sisters (who are SURELY instruments of your peace) to slay the dragon of infidelity in our lives. Your love drips into our lives like honey , and I am blessed.

Blessed by the pride of a righteous battle bravely fought and a Victory delivered by Your hand.

Bless my family Lord God with your love and peace for eternity , I pray.

And bless the other valiant fighters on these boards with similar success.

In Jesus' HOLY name I pray

Amen "

(((((Bob Pure)))))

Hugs, brother. What a difference from when we first spoke!

Thank you Lord, for your faithfulness and promises to those who walk according to your commands.

Bob, YOU are walking as the head of your family.

The OM's GF's call to you is a stark contrast in forgiveness and restoration with, and without, a walk with the Master Potter. Doing things "my way," or the "world's way," versus your doing the "tough fight" God's way.

God bless.

P.S. You "done right" in not mentioning the call or the subject to Squid. There will be plenty of reminders, but you don't have to be the one to drag them up and toss them in her face.

Let me share an example with you...last night my wife took be out for dinner for my birthday. While we were there, a table of about 12 were seated next to us, complete with a centerpiece with "25's" all over it. It turns out that one of the couples was celebrating 25 years of marriage and that they had just renewed their vows. My wife said jokingly, in a fun and nice manner, "where were you on our 25th? (we just celebrated our 30th)" I just looked at her for a few seconds and then it hit her....she was deep in her affair, planning to leave me, on our 25th. She started crying when the realization triggered her and she began apologizing again. I told her that was then, when she was off being kidnapped by some alien, and that this was now and was vastly better. It actually turned into a great affirmation of our love for each other and "where" we are now, after 3 years of beginning this journey in our life.

You are right, you are progressing faster because the OM is OUT of your life. That didn't happen completely for me until just a few months ago.

God bless and have a GREAT day!

An anniversary is a celebration of an annual event...especially a reoccurring event. I don't think I would paint their 'first time' or anything about their affair in such a celebratory light.

Actually, calendarizing the affair could be a constant reminder of the first time, the second time, this place, that place, etc.



Sounds like a plan.

Good luck in your continued recovery.

I quite agree with ba109. I remember the anniversaries of things WORTH remembering and cherising.

And yes Bob, I think you were right not to remind Squid of this either - perhaps she doesn't even realise what day it is. I'm a nutter for remembering dates (even licence plates on cars) for years and years, but I choose to not pay any attention to the dates connected with bad things.

Have a nice day! (still no rain here in B!)

Bob,

What a great thread!! My husband and I are nearing 1 year since DDay.

I know all the dates. I hate knowing. Please let today special. Go do something you and your family can remember. My husband and I are doing great but I really cannot wait until I get to where you are.

God Bless

I'm glad to hear of your triumph bOb, huzzah to you. In my book you are a 'tough guy' in the only sense that matters. You fought the fight that had to be fought knowing that you might lose but waded in anyway because it HAD to be done. That makes you a giant with a heart as big as all outdoors.

I agree with everyone else that yesterday was a poor occasion for an 'anniversary'. It's hard to ignore days that have some emotional weight but this one goes more along the lines of the Jappanese attack on Pearl Harbor. It's significant only because of the outcome. I am happy for you when I think of the new and beautiful anniversarys the future holds for you and your beloved. Congrats bro, you are something else.

FH, I look at our initial exhanges with awe - awe at how Our God answered my prayers and how He placed me in this good situation when all seemed lost.

Answers to prayers don''t always come with tags attached so you know ! Looking back through my posts and journals show just what glorious work God has done in our life and I am humbled and thankful.

We went out with friends last night and had a lovely time. Squid loooked gorgous and was funny and easy. Great company and very loving to me.

Woke this morning thinking stuff over and praying as I do most mornings and I'm really pretty OK with this anniversary stuff. I wondered if I was deluding myself, but I'm not.

That stuff Squid did with OM, the lies, the sex were all sins forgiven now by God and by ME too.

I have a memory of the ACTS and the pain they caused me, but little of that pain remains unless I concentrate on it.

Not because I have suppressed the pain but because I have worked it out in speech and prayer, and dealt with it through forgiveness.

FH we spoke long a while back about forgiveness, and sitting here now man months on from that I can see how heartfelt and earnest forgiveness has been absolutely KEY to my personal recovery and maybe to our marital recovery too.

It was a perfectly logical decision from me, not an esoteric or 'holy' abstract thing.

I ecided that because no tariff could ever repay the betrayal it was RIDICULOUS to remin angry in expectation of such. I exvisaged many scenarios and non short of OMs violent death cam eclose to meeting my need for satisfaction, and when that wouldn;t work as in truth he's just a skunk that sprayed a long time go. Even his stink is dissipating now.

This was all bout me and Squid and our God.

And forgiveness EARNESTLY meant and attempted forgiveness was the only way. It allowed to think clearly and practically and FAR from making me feel WEAK it empowered me beyond belief to do what I needed to do.

And this may sound dumb but I could also feel the TANGIBLE approval of my God in this - I have goosebumps writing this - and knowing I was helping myself and Squid is a way that God approves of was very powerful to me.

We have work to do in recovery, MUCH work, but that will not be clouded ( I hope) by unforgiveness, dishonesty or conflict avoidance.

I will never thank God for Squids adultery, but I am beginning to thank Him for using a foul condition for His and our good.

And so this "anniversary" isn't really that important to me.

Its a beautiful summers day where I can love and be loved by my wife and kids.

OM tried to steal that from me, as he could not earn such happiness in his own life.

I took it back. I win.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />