I have read many times that exposure is a calculated and effective LB when practicing Plan A. I have come to realize, through the wise and enlightening words of many here, that Plan A is NOT about safety, my needs, rebuilding the marriage, etc. Plan A is centered around ending the A, offering my WS a safe and welcome path back to sanity and love we have shared, and preparing for either Plan B OR recovery.
With this in mind, I need some guidance as to the inclusion of exposure. Of course WS has informed me that, since her OM is a co-worker and she loves her job, career etc... that exposure in the workplace COULD have disasterous effects on her employment, AND his. And as a result, she would consider this a hostile and threatening act on my part (major LB in other words) and has emphatically cautioned me against it because of the costs to her and OM. Her exact words were "that would not go well" (insert sinister music here)
My situation is also compounded by the fact that OM's brother works with both of them, AND WS had an EA with said brother which she has told me WOULD have been a PA if she was physically attracted to him. Now then, I KNOW exposure at work would SERIOUSLY undermine the A, both because of the consequences at work, AND from the poop-flinging that is sure to follow from OM's brother (like he has ANY right to feel jealous of OM for banging MY WIFE?? whatever dude) but it's a weapon to be considered carefully.
My scheming mind has tried to find a way in which to attack the A with the least amount of negative consequences to WS, as a means of showing her the distinction between me being HER enemy, and me being an enemy to anything that threatens our marriage.
I think at this point, the mere thought of exposure terrifies OM. His brother would certainly make life hell for him (what a shame) and OM has children that he specifically TOLD my WS that he didn't want her over his house while the kids were there, he'd rather have sex with her after work in the back of his car in a parking lot. Such a gentleman, such commitment to her needs and deep respect for her as a priority in his life! No WONDER she is head over heels in love with this man! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
but I digress. I believe there could be huge benefits to a degree of exposure with my WS's family, friends or whatever, but the detriment to her individual life and dreams from exposure at work would be very dangerous and certainly costly to our family, which I am going to operate on the assumption that we have a future. Any thoughts on this from anyone would be appreciated.

I would also like to share an insight I had the other day:
She expressed to me that her job is very important to her, that it was possible that if she held ME responsible for any problems with her employer, she would abandon me. After getting over the initial devastation from such a remark, I gave this some thought and came to the following realization. If *I* were to confront her and tell her that it was either me and our marriage, or her job... she'd be pissed at me, target me with resentment, etc... I presented her with the scenario in which her BOSS came to her and said "look... we all know you're banging OM, and it's hurting your marriage etc... you have the option of divorcing your husband and dismantling your marriage, OR terminating your employment here with us" NOW who's the bad guy?? Besides, if OM was so damn concerned about HER well being, WHY the hell would he EVER allow himself to be part of something that would threaten her family, AND her precious ever-frickin JOB? And why hasn't he worked NEARLY as hard as *I* have to find a compromise that ensures the preservation of both our marriage and her job? A-hole... That's why, because he doesn't give a rats [censored] about her other than what she keeps in her panties. God, what a turd. Anyway, I was quite proud of myself for being able to point out that the SOURCE of ultimatums doesn't change the ultimatum itself, but certainly changes one's reflexive and defensive posture to it... the results of that change in point of view for her was positive. So I rock.
I also have a couple thoughts I'd like to share about creative ways I can offer her for NC without threatening her employment, but i'll save that for another time as I have blabbed my [censored] off.

Thanks in advance for any feedback, advice and ever present support. You people are angels, BS's AND WS's all.

Cardiac-

You discussed exposure with your WW? No no no.....just do it, don't talk about it. And of course SHE doesn't think it will go over well, but they should have thought about that before they made that leap.

You are targeting people that would put pressure on them to end the affair.....apparently this job is pretty important to her. This is WS babble.......she'll be mad, heck yeah she will, but it will also probably spell the beginning of the end of the affair.....and that's our goal, is it not?



-Caren

As much as we'd all love to have everyone on our side and going to battle for our cause, don't count on this scenario ever playing out. I know that may be hard to read and I'm sorry. I could be completely wrong and in your case it would happen that way. If so, then you have much more going for your M than you realize.

There are tons of more experienced folks here that can give you much better direction than I, so I'll stop now.

dear ct
i understand your delimma i am facing the same one my wh has a good job and is very respected. i don't want him to see it as an attack. the other job he had everyone knew before i did. i wish that i could help more but i feel if i caused more trouble it would backfire on me. he has already said that i was gathering alies when i busted him out to all the family and a few friends. so i am just as confused. although i would like her to get a little more heat from this and maybe she would leave my spouse alone. i just haven't figured out how to do it. sorry i ahven't been much help.

CT,

Welcome to MB! You're new here, but you've apparently done some reading and are familiar with terminology etc...

But honestly so much of recovery regarding affairs is counter-intuitive. Arm yourself with as much information as you can. Harley's Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs are a great place to start.

Even better is counseling with Dr. Harley's son Steve Harley. He made an enormous impact on my FWH and surprisingly to me at the time - he made a huge difference to me. I found out what I needed to learn as a BS.

SH will help you traverse the mine field that we've all found ourselves in - and believe me it was far less painful having SH as a coach than what my husband and I experienced as we tried to navigate the quagmire on our own.

Even if your wife isn't interested in coaching with SH, YOU will be glad you made the phone call! Blessings

you guys have been GREAT help! your experiences and perspectives give me a lot of guidance, so don't feel like you're not helping.
StopTheWrld- I wasn't hoping that scenario would ever play out, I know that's outside the realm of reality, I was using that example as a means to illustrate to her the difference between reacting to a message, and reacting to the messenger. Youre so right tho, it would kick [censored] if that DID happen! :-)
thanks again everyone

What I guess it all boils down to is do you want the affair to end?

It's not going to end when you're tip toeing around it for fear your WS will be mad.

They get mad, they get over it.

It's also not as if you're spreading lies about them, you are simply making people aware of the truth, in a loving manner.

When I exposed my FWH's affair, he was FIRED UP major league, he called me everything but a white woman, he hated me, never wanted to talk to me again......etc, and he was back at my house and having SF with me 2 DAYS LATER.

The mistake that you and joanna are both making is dealing with the WS as if they are a sane person.......

As a matter of fact, I think I should heed my own advice, and stop treating my FWH as a sane person too....because he's clearly not.

-Caren

Hmmmmmmmm. Your wife considers exposure a "hostile and threatening act?"

What does she consider two workmates having a sleazy affair?

i had hoped that the trickle down method would work. you know how work place gossip is. a friend of mine works with him and she knows so i am hoping that that will work wonders. we have gone from when we divorce to if we stay together. i take that as progress.

She's not an attorney is she?

Indeed!
Or as I would say to any other friend "right the F on, man!" :-)
called you everything but a white woman? funny, my wife IS a white woman :-)

Hey Cardiac,

Sorry you are here but this is the best place to be under the circumstances.

There seems to be 2 schools of thought on exposure...one doesn't work really

The other is full, scorched earth exposure. That way you get all the anger out in one shot. Since you already talked about it (big no-no) you need to finish the job.

You have to fight against your instincts here, they will fail you and doom your marriage.

Do not listen to what your fogbound WW is SAYING Ok? It is actions that matter and right now HER actions are the hostile ones...what would you call destroying your family with a scummy OM?

This is war brutha...a war on your home. Time to ditch your emotions and establish a battle plan and part of that plan is expose....no emotions, no animosity, just follow the plan.

Wanna know what happens when you don't follow it to a tee and don't follow it sans emotion?

Then look no further than my sig brutha....

RebornMan

Yeah, so am I......that's why he called me everything BUT that.

My FWH had people coming up to him all day long that day asking him what was going on, and he called his Mom before I had a chance to (She pretty much knew) and he said "Have you talked to my Mom?" I said "No, not yet" He said "Oh well I did, why don't you go ahead and call her" I said "Oh, I'm getting around to it" (He was saying this in a *My mom's gonna rip your head off and hand it to you* kind of voice). So I called his Mom, and she said "Caren, you know I don't agree with what he's doing, but you know he doesn't listen to me". LOL!!! Wow, she was really mad at me wasn't she? LMAO NOT.

The next time I talked to him (Which was about an hour later when he called) he said "Soooo did you talk to my Mom?" I said "Yep" He said "What'd she say?" I told him, and he sounded like someone deflated him.

-Caren

Well said Reborn.

-Caren

OMG you are SOOO right Reborn... this IS war! and I REALLY need to realize that and get off my [censored]. I am declaring war on my wife's affair. Not her, not our marriage, but to the THREAT to our marriage. I'm sorry that your story ended the way it did, Reborn, but I am deeply grateful that I can learn NOW from your example... as well as ALL the rest of you.
I am a warrior. I have been all my life, even as a young child I have trained in ways to defend that which is beautiful and sacred in this life. In my pain and confusion I lost my focus, and I can not thank you all enough for all your efforts to awaken me, and to motivate the warrior in me to do what I do best... to take battle to the enemy in a way that assures my victory.

THANK YOU ALL!! please keep this stuff coming, I need someone now that my wife is not my wife, but my WW.. and you're all here for me.

Yes, exposure is VERY VERY DANGEROUS. To the affair. That is why your W has cautioned you against it. She knows it will ruin her great set up. It will RUIN the affair and very possibly save your marriage. See, your marriage can survive some temporary anger from exposure, it CAN'T survive an ongoing affair. Some folks are scared to expose their spouses [afraid of the WS' anger] but I find that attitude most puzzling, because I would be more scared of losing my marriage because I didn't expose.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing easy about exposure, it takes brass balls that most people don't possess, but neither is there anything easy about an ongoing affair and the subsequent end of a marriage. Think about that when you persist in helping her hide her affair at work.

These are very important words and I am so glad RebornMan said this. I think the biggest hinderance to marital recovery around here is following one's emotions and getting mired down in fear and rationalizations for not following the program. If you follow the folks who follow their emotions instead of a clear strategic plan, they stay in a limbo land of hell that never seems to end. The ones who are victorious are not the ones who are not scared, but the ones who don't let their fear drive them. Instead, they drive their fear.

I still have so much to learn. I made a HUGE mistake tonight trying to defend my marriage against the affair, and now she's saying that I'm threatening and manipulative and I use anger to get my way... and she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone like me.
Plan A is all I have left now... so I have no reason not to follow it to the letter. Please help me as much as possible.

Where can I find more info, as in the text that it is found in, on Plan A?
I also plan on calling the Harleys and hope to get my wonderful and wounded wife to take part in those calls or therapy or whatever... good lord this is hard
I'm pushing too hard too fast and I need to distance myself in order to be effective, so I know I need to remove the emotional element from my actions in plan a, but as yet I have been unsuccessful.
God what have I done

CT - everything your WW says right now is a script that the alien that has possesed her knows by heart. You will not bring a statement to this place that your wife told you, that you can not find in another person's post.

The alien in your wife's body is in charge, and not interested in saving the marriage. Do not negotiate with the terrorist. You will get caught up in the fog yourself, and waste a lot of precious time trying to figure things out.

Listen to the vets here. Do not listen to your WW.

Good luck, and God bless your marriage!

FAR

CT

Telling your wife about exposure wasn't great. She's braced for the punch now.

Exposure is the single most effective nuke that BS can use against the affair IF the conditions mean that there are people OP cares about ( such as a spouse, or caringparents) in the loop.

Read up on affair dynamics - they thrive on fantasy and secrecy. Exposure shines the light of moral scrutiny on the bindings of an affair and most wither and die.

Its so very hard for most BS though, but truly needed. It fndamentally assigns many more people on the side of stoppping the affair - more people to be lied to convincingly if the A is to continue.

I do not subscribe to the 'scorched earth' expsoure policy. Some of Squids' GFs I exposed to for example were absolutely USELESS They just treated the news asa bit of great gossip and advised Squid with horseshit Cosmo-style 'follow your heart' type agony aunt advice.

Draw a map of affected people, and the news who have a real stake in the affair, expose to them. Only go to tier 2 exposees when teh forst don;t work.

As a minimum the OPs spouse HAS to know with proof NOW.

All blessings