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conveniently enough for OM, he's single with live in kids, so exposure to OM's spouse doesn't exist
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Just to help you be prepared for your WW reaction to exposure:
WS: This is just between you and me! You have no right to tell people about this!
BS: If this is just between you and me, why was it kept a secret from me and why was I one of the last to know?
WS: Your talking to people about this is counter-productive and will not help our situation.
BS: Yes I know it is counterproductive to your affair. That is the whole idea. Affairs thrive on lies and secrets. Marriages thrive on openess and honesty. If you think that I am willing to use openess and honesty to save our marriage and end your affair, you are darn toot'n right, honey.
WS: We're not sleeping together anymore, we're just really good friends, We can do whatever we want.
BS: If you think it is o.k. for you to do whatever you want, whenever you want with OP, then I don't understand why you should have a problem with me talking to anyone about it.
If I had known about MB sooner, I could have used this tool more effectively.
Don't warn or threaten your wife, just do it. Jobs come and go, a good marriage to the parent of your children should be a life-long committment.
My WH's anger was also temporary and lasted two days after each time someone confronted him to end his A. Like many WS, my Prince Charming did not feel any shame about sneaking around shagging his FBFW, but he does feel shame about people knowing about it. Is exposing exploitng that? You betcha!
Be prepared for the wrath of WS. Remain calm and confident in what you are doing.. you have honesty, openess, and the interests of your children and marriage on your side. Don't argue about this with WS.
Go for it!
Last edited by losttranslation; 06/25/05 04:07 AM.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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conveniently enough for OM, he's single with live in kids, so exposure to OM's spouse doesn't exist Thats a problem , mate. He must have SOMETHING to lose, parents respect, or a job maybe ? Do some research.
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This OM is scared to death he will be exposed at work. The best exposure will be at his job. Of course WS has informed me that, since her OM is a co-worker and she loves her job, career etc... that exposure in the workplace COULD have disasterous effects on her employment, AND his. And as a result, she would consider this a hostile and threatening act on my part (major LB in other words) and has emphatically cautioned me against it because of the costs to her and OM. Her exact words were "that would not go well" (insert sinister music here)
<snip>
I think at this point, the mere thought of exposure terrifies OM. His brother would certainly make life hell for him (what a shame)...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just caught up on this thread CardiacTrauma.
It sounds like we're in very similar sucky lives right now.
I currently have been heisitating on exposing OM at his work. I really need to do that and get it done. My WW has spent the weekend away from our daughter and I with OM. Take action before it's too late for your situation.
---------------------------------
To Melody and the other "Helpers" out there:
When you get to people who are ready for "D-Day" in the future, please REALLY STRESS these points to others that I should have done better at:
1) DO NOT MENTION EXPOSURE TO YOUR WS, or even to the other persons spouse. I told my wife "Break off this affair, or I will have to expose it." I should not have done that! Telling her this just gave her a warning to start doing damage control.
2) Do it all at once! (Or at least a bunch of the exposure all in 1 day)
3) If you can, ask your spouse who already knows on D-day. Some of the people at the top of my exposure list already knew!
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Exposure is the only way to end this. Right now the affair has nothing but upside for your wife and her man. Add a little reality. Let people that your wife and y-man know and respect in on their little secret. Once the secret is out you add a lot of down side to the relationship. Your realationship with your wife has a down side, it is called reality. You both have responsibilities for everyday life, the absense of these daily responsibilites is what gives the affair so much power. They are in the same place that you were in when you first meet your wife, all fun no responsibility. She is going to be mad as hell at you for this. She will threaten to leave you over this. Just remember, if she really did not need you in her life she would have left by now. Just do it and be ready for the storm. Adding a little reality will start to clear the fog.
When exposing the affair just state the facts without judgement, just the facts. No one can stay mad if only the facts are stated.
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Exposure is the only way to end this. Right now the affair has nothing but upside for your wife and her man. Add a little reality. Let people that your wife and y-man know and respect in on their little secret. Once the secret is out you add a lot of down side to the relationship. Your realationship with your wife has a down side, it is called reality. You both have responsibilities for everyday life, the absense of these daily responsibilites is what gives the affair so much power. They are in the same place that you were in when you first meet your wife, all fun no responsibility. She is going to be mad as hell at you for this. She will threaten to leave you over this. Just remember, if she really did not need you in her life she would have left by now. Just do it and be ready for the storm. Adding a little reality will start to clear the fog.
When exposing the affair just state the facts without judgement, just the facts. No one can stay mad if only the facts are stated. I don't want to hijack CardiacTrauma's thread, but I've already exposed to everyone but YGuy's bosses.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Hello all, wanted to catch up
first off, Believer, I have to thank you for your viewpoint and your support, however as I still love my wife deeply, please try not to use derogatory terms when referring to her, even her affair is part of her personality, albeit one aspect I would like to see eliminated from our marriage... and I agree with your assertion that her affair is obviously more hostile and threatening than my exposure would be, but in short I love my wife and whether she's in alien-mode or not, I can't see anything constructive about presenting the facts in a negative light. I'm all for facts, but I know she's hurting right now too, or she would never have done this in the first place. Please understand that I value your input, your support and your advice and don't want that to stop, but I felt very defensive about how my wife was referred to in that post. I hope I presented that well, and I didn't hurt anyone or burn any bridges, as that was not my intention at all.
oh and Gramn, feel free to hijack, I dont mind at all if you can use my post to find help, I'd be pleased :-)
more later, interesting question for you all. Wife and I seem to be doing much better, even tho we're still a gunky mess.
thanks a billion to all of you! you're all so great
CT
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Ok CT, a small 2X4 on its way to you : CT, forgive me for diving in here, but unless you think Believers' assertion that your WW might be an attorney is derogatory <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> , she said absolutely NOTHING derogatory about your wife, only that affairs are sleazy. Do you not think your W's affair is sleazy ? And its part of your wife's personality so you ave to embrace it and get over it ? WTF CT ? Sir, such is "doormat" talk and you need to get your attitude right to infidelity of you're going to have any success. Your WWs affair IS sleazy, her part in it is sleazy and ergo SHE is sleazy when engaged in a sleazy act. You do your previously morally upstanding wife no favours by mitigating her affair as 'part of her personality'. She can recover from it, YOU BOTH can recover from it, but your accepting it is conflict avoidance of the highest order IMO. And I know, I've been the CA king of England. It is NOT to your credit that you defend your wife from a factual description of her affair, and to be honest you'll get a whole lot worse description of infidelity from me and others on this board. CT sorry if you take this as an attack - its not - I am drawing your attention to a symptom of infidelity that is common to BS - Conflict Avoidance - that must be addressed if you're going to be successful. All blessings
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I can't see anything constructive about presenting the facts in a negative light. I'm all for facts, but I know she's hurting right now too, or she would never have done this in the first place. Please understand that I value your input, your support and your advice and don't want that to stop, but I felt very defensive about how my wife was referred to in that post. Bob is absolutely right. CT, speaking the TRUTH is very constructive. What is negative is an affair, not speaking the truth. It is not the WORDS that are sleazy, but the BEHAVIOR. So please don't expect people to use nice words to describe sleazy, disgusting behavior on this forum. Doublespeak is not a language that is spoken here.. Your wife is hurting because of her own bad choices, she is not a victim. She volunteered for this. Hopefully, you are wrong in that this affair is "part of her personality," as I find it so sad that you would settle for her at her very worst.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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cardiactrauma...
your wife will be very happy that she has a spouse that self sabogotages recovery in her favor... by
1. informing her of plans of exposure so she can do major damage control
2. wants to protect her from the reality of her actions and choices...
3. and if you truly believe that her affair is personality trait...then hang it up now..for that will never change...I for one can and will never believe that there is something in someones personality that MAKES them (without consent or control) break and devalue marriage vows and covenants with God.....
but if that is what you believe and that she is a victim to these circumstances....
be very wary of your own fogged thinking...
seek the bigger picture
a marriage based on fidelity soley..(no matter the bad times...etc)
spouses that meet each other needs...not bend over backwards to make sure a personality trait takes over and forces someone to cheat....
marriage rebuilding and survival is not for the weakly grounded in right and wrong....
bobpure struggled hard against his own instincts and did what was right...based on facts....not emotions and personalities.....and it has serve him well..but more importantly it served his wife better..for she was so mired in the rationalizing thought process she was not herself...
give wife excuses and permission for her own weak rationalizations and changable definitions and you will have two adults each as lost as the other..
ARK^^
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The carrot of Plan AMeeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs. Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be. Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage. Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking. Stop lovebusting behaviors. Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel. Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to. Remaining open to the possibility of recovery. Offering forgiveness and understanding. The stick of Plan AExposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth. Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way. Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused. Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous. Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous. Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders. Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [b]Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*. Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A. Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/27/05 10:43 AM.
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Pep,
I am copying your last post onto my hard drive (hope that's OK?) - what a great plan A summary!
Thanks!
Alph
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Alph ... take it and use what works for you. PS ... I corrected some of the spelling errors! LOL Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/27/05 10:46 AM.
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"Conveniently enough for OM, he's single with live in kids, so exposure to OM's spouse doesn't exist"
Interesting aside: I confronted OM in person a week after DDay 2. (This was a couple of months before reading SAA and finding MB or I would have done it differently.)
OM had already written FWW the A was over when she told him I knew. I don't trust him at all, of course, so I threaten exposure to the world including his wife, his children, his parents, work colleagues and even his XW and their grown children. (Current W is a product of an A on his first W.)
For some reason he seemed more concerned with exposure to his X than anything else. Still haven’t figured that one out.
But then, I don't spend much time trying to figure it out any more.
BTW, I am totally convinced that if I had exposed after DDay 1 there would have been no DDay 2. I believed W threats when I talked about exposure so I didn’t. OM never found out I knew back then and W just went farther underground with the A.
You know, affairees lie to each other as much, or more, as they lie to their spouses!
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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You know, affairees lie to each other as much, or more, as they lie to their spouses! That line should be told to every newly betrayed spouse. Good one Aphelion!
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Dang, Pep, you are good! I am saving that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Pep,
I must concur with the others:
That was a Most Excellent Explanation.
Anyone choosing a Plan A should definitely Read your post!
NICE going!
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THE STRING OF PLAN A Taking the string off the carrot and the stick.... eating the carrot breaking the stick in to little pieces and setting it on fire wrapping the string around the WS neck and pulling both ends till tight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> please don't make me do the publice service announcement that this really is NOT condoning violence.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> It is a very good post pep..... ark <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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CT
Just checking in that you're OK. You got a bit of a kicking last time, I wonder how you're progressing.
Chekc in please.
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