How many of you made contact with the OW or OM? I would like to call the OW and introduce myself since we have never met. I would like to personally ask her to leave my H alone.

Kim
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Kim, I would certainly consider that, but I would first expose to her H, her workplace, your family, his family and any close friends. See if that will run her off first. Do you still intend on contacting the OWH tomorrow?

ML,

I knew you'd ask me that! I wrote a letter tonight & put it in my briefcase. I am not so sure she will not be there tomorrow. I hope I have the right address. I am terrified and still not sure if I can go through with it.

I have told my sister and best friend. H's best friend knows too.

I didn't even bother asking the counselor today what her thoughts were on exposure.

The abusive H story is holding me back. I know you think it's BULL.....Maybe someone could point to some threads with a similar situation as mine where exposure took place???? I want to be strong & I want to do this for the sake of beating this A.

Thanks!

K

Kim,

I would only recommend contacting the OW once with just a short note saying that you love your H, and will do everything possible to save your M, and make him very, very happy. You expect them to do the right thing and cut off contact immediately, completely, and forever.

Any other confrontation is usually bad news. Somehow the OP will turn this around as ammunition against you. Few things hurt more than having your WS defend OP against you!

OWs especially will use any BS contact against the BS. The one thing an OW is good at is making the BS feel stupid.

OWs are trash of the worse kind. I made the mistake of giving the OW in my case too much credit. She didn't have good master of the english language. All she could say to me when I called her was F U. Hm..... talk about phone ediquette. LOL!!!

U R better than the OW. The A has her mind scrambled and as long as she retains the OW title, there is no reasoning with her. All her goodness is lost and only the OW's worst traits grow.

Best for you to stay away from any OW contact. It is hard and at times curiousity gets the best of us. You can ask what kind of horror stories have come from contact with the OP and you will get a thread full. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes the BS just has to try. But it is best if they don't.

L.

I considered writing a letter to the ow. The A ended last year sometime or beginning of this year. She was married also and her H had thrown her out because of it. (geez, everyone including her H knew but me! I just found out a month ago) She and her H are in counseling now and she is back in the marital home with him. I wanted to write to her not nasty but disappointed in her actions and say how much she hurt me and my children (she used to work for me a few years ago so she knew right well who I was). I want her to know how much I hurt over this. But I probably won't write it. I do not know. I have to believe that if her and her H are in counseling she must know she did wrong and I am sure the counselor, if any good, has made mention of the fact or asked her what she thought my feelings are on this. I guess I just wouldn't want her justifying it was ok because of lies my H probably told her (he has slept on couch for 2 years, we have nothing, only her for kids kinda crap) No matter what the state of our relationship we are still legally married and under the same roof and there is no justification. She has to deal with the pain she caused her H too. So I guess I figure all of that stuff is probably being covered in their going to counseling. Although there are times I would just like to send that letter to reopen wounds and make her have to work through it again but I am not like that. And I am assuming she knows the pain and devastation she has caused. However, if he was still with OW I would confront her probably. But the 2x's my H has been with someone else (the 2 I know of) the first one I do not know if was even PA, may have been EA, when I found out he stopped seeing her immediately. This one, like I said, was already done and over with by the time I found out. I don't want you to get more hurt by comfronting someone who may just try to hurt you more. If she is with a married man she doesn't give a hoot about your feelings. Think about what some of the other posters said. I would tell her H though. hugs, mlhb

I wrote a long, heartfelt letter a few weeks ago, which I was sure would touch the heart of even the most callous of OWs.

After advice from many experienced people on this board, I never sent it. I still have it in a drawer.

I never will send it now. Exposure has made any contact with the OW meaningless - I wouldn't be able to have a conversation with her, and she'd just rip up my nice letter without reading it or slam the phone down on me if I tried to call.

You see, I am threatening her little romance with my H.

I am so glad I never sent that letter. It said too much about me, I gave myself away. So she thinks I'm a wacko for exposing them - so what? I think that the unknown is far scarier than the known. Let her stew!

Alph.

Don't give the OW so much credit. The most contact you should have with her is through exposure. Let her deal with the fallout.

Concentrate your time and efforts on your WH. HE is the one who betrayed you. Tell HIM to leave HER alone. Don't get yourself in the mindset that your WH is a victim of the OW's constant pursuit. He is responsible for his own choices.

Kim, if the abuse story is true, then the crisis is past because your H told you he already knew. You won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know. It is most likely a lie concocted to warn you off frm busting them. Your H told you that lie so you would help him and the OW cover up their affair. You are helping them hide their secret by not telling him. Is that what you want?

I realize you are very scared, most of us were, but you have to decide if you have what it takes to save your marriage. This is the single most important exposure in this affair, Kim. The OWH must know and you cannot avoid this exposure. This could be the one that ends the affair.

Dear Kimberly,

OW in my case was my best friend, or so I thought. I had a few talks with her after D-day because I needed to hear from her what I thought H was keeping from me, and because this was my 15-year friendship with her that was going down the drains, and I needed some answers.

My point is - I got such foggy answers, such weird stuff that I felt like I was talking to a drug addict high on something. I didn't know about fog at that point, I just felt this was really weird. Things like "I had better take care of my H from now on" and a long list of all HER reasons for having the A. No sign of any concern about MY feelings, though. At some point she even said "Your H really knows how to treat a woman (sexually), I really enjoyed it!" and she didn't understand how I could be hurt by her saying this...

This was my (ex) best friend and she was really sorry about having the A (after I found out that is)!! Imagine how some OW who doesn't know you, except from the stories/lies your H told her, might react. She "loves" your H, and you are in the way of her "happiness"... she's not very likely to be honest now and realise she shouldn't be stealing someone else's partner.

Don't waste your time on her. You cannot reason with her and you probably never will, don't wait for that to get on with your life.

Hi Kimberly,

Here is another case to use for consideration:

I contacted the homewrecker a total of 3 times.The first was on DDay where I told her what a homewrecking sl** she was and other choice statements.It was expected afterall and my WH was actually very apologetic to me BUT when homewrecker handed the cell back to him to talk to me,he had the audacity to tell me he had to go so he wouldn't be rude to his friend since they were out having drinks! It was a VERY good thing the homewrecking trash and WH were in another country at that point.

The second time was to tell homewrecker what she was up against and to state that my WH had made a choice to be home and work on the marriage.I didn't even let her talk.Who wants to hear what a homewrecker has to say.

The last time was to chew her out since I found out that contact was secretly going on(big surprise) and I again told her what a low life piece of trash I thought she was.Etc,etc.

Looking back,yes I probably could have done with only one call.I don't regret what I did at all, in fact a person of that "high moral standard"(puke) needs to hear from the wife of the man she is cheating with but maybe only one call was necessary.She isn't worth the time of day.

I agree with Orchid in that the OW could use anything you say against you.In my case,my WH smuggly came home one day and told me that homewrecker would call the police on me if I didn't stop calling her(after 3rd call).We then had a big blow out with me telling him that if she wants to call the police,FINE since I don't think they will be too understanding that she is screwing(pardon the graphic tone) some other woman's husband.Give me a break. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Whatever you do,don't expect understanding,compassion or care.With someone who would actively engage in cheating with another woman's husband,OP are parasites who are only out for self pleasure.They care not about you,your children,families or marriage.I do believe that you should make your presence known.However you want to handle that.I don't think we as BS's should go unheard.These OP's need to hear a voice or see the PERSON they are hurting whether they have a heart and soul or not.

O

Kim, gather your courage and go over there, hon. You must tell her husband in order to kill this affair. Don't help your H and OW hide their dirty little secret. Don't help the OW destroy your marriage, Kim. You must fight back and defend yourself if you want to save your marriage.

We know this is not easy. But is much harder to lose your marriage to another woman, trust me.

I just wanted to add that I am not against contacting the OW in some cases. I contacted the OW in my H's affair, and the affair ENDED THAT DAY! He had lied to her about being seperated from me and consorting with a married man violated her "morals." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [she was married, too, so I guess "morals" just applied to other people and not her, *snort*]

So, sometimes it can be helpful because usually the WS is lying to the OP and it can shed light on the affair and cause great trouble.

But contacting the OW is a secondary and very optional plan in my book. The first line of attack should always be exposure. And in this case, Kim has a loaded and POWERFUL weapon in her arsenal via exposure to the OWH and her workplace.

Hi, Kimberly.

Having an abusive spouse is not an excuse, or a reason for having an affair. That's akin to sacrificing virgins because the crops failed.

"Oh, I am so sorry that that you claim your husband is abusive, please take mine and use him as long as you like"

No one would expect you to agree to such a ludicrous notion.

All cheaters lie, Kimberly. All of them, You can't have one without the other. That also means that it is very likely that the other woman is lying about her husband. The simple FACT is, for you, that you don't or can't know what the truth is in her situation. In practice, it doesn't matter. This woman has no regard whatsoever for you or your marriage. Sending her a letter is nothing more than providing her with non-electronic entertainment. She simply doesn't care.

Expose the affair. Expect fallout. Deal with it.

All the best,
Gimble

Kim, Gimble makes a good point. Do you think that OW is entitled to rut with married men because she is supposedly "abused?"

Methinks that you care a little more about the fallout than SHE DOES. If she was as concerned as you, she wouldn't be doing it in the first place, would she?

And I strongly suspect the reason she doesn't care is because it is a LIE.

It sounds to me like your WH is playing on a soft spot you have, that you wouldn't want this other woman to come to physical harm. Those WS's are tricky little suckers.

I wish that the FOW in my case had a H, I would have been all over that.



-Caren

I talked with and emailed OW several times over several months and withheld the "information" about the affair from her husband because she had convinced me (and FWH) that her unemployed husband would commit suicide if he found out.

Nevertheless, I told her husband four months later and he's still alive to this very day.

The fallout is OWs to deal with, not yours. If he beats her black and blue she can go to the police.

~ Snow

Kim,
I called the OW, a co-worker of his who had even attended our wedding. The A had been over by then and they no longer worked for the same business, but I had to let her know that it was "new" to me since I just found out. I let her know how much it hurt and what I thought about her. She apologized but used the excuse that we were having problems in our marriage blah blah blah.

Anyway, I am glad I did that because when I see her in public, she pretty much runs from me. My H and I saw her at a former co-worker's funeral and she bolted after the service and didn't attend the reception afterwards. Another time, I was looking at bras at JC Penney, I looked up and she was standing about 3 feet from me. When she saw me, she took off! So, I definately have the upper hand!!!

Tatertot

I just last night wrote OM an email, emotionally charged and extremely hostile, urging him to consider the possible consequences of his actions if this were to get out, etc.
He turned around and gave it to WS, who told me I was controlling, manipulative, and was using threat to get my way.
I'm PROUD of my effort to affect their affair, and save my marriage. I have no problem with my intentions. But in MY case, it totally backfired. One thing this taught me is that I CANT CONTROL THE OM. as much as I'd like to, as much as it would make things easier, I cant directly affect this situation. I can only do Plan A, showing my pain at anything that WS does to hurt our marriage, and offering her the best home to come to, so she can choose for herself... I'm sure she felt I was trying to control her life, and although I know everyone here knows why I contacted him, all I did was give him something to use against me and give her more reasons to pull away and possibly run to him

Good luck, I don't know if this helped specifically in your case, but I just wanted to share my own experience as an example of what happened to me.

BTW, can someone send me a PM or something on how to make a signature? call me inept but I cant figure that one out and I really would like to make one

cardiac, your contact did not backfire, it made the infidels extremely uncomfortable, hence all the anger and idle threats.

It brought on the expected response, which is designed to shut you up and stop interfering with their fantasy. They were furious and this should have been expected when you sent it. Interfering with the destruction of your marriage is something you should be doing, and if protecting yourself from destruction is called "controlling" then so be it. You shouldn't let that stop you.

Don't let them manipulate you into avoiding taking steps to protect yourself.

Here is my thread on that very subject: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2744183