Hi everyone.. I'm kinda new here. Well, I'm familiar with Marriage Builders and have read the forums before but never posted.

My story is as follows: D-day was about a month ago. I've been suspecting WH has been having an affair for some time but didn't have evidence till D-Day. He readily admitted to it. He was already at the point of breaking down and was acting too guilty for anyone to even not notice that an A was going on.

I was v calm that day. He cried when confessed but had to go to work but will meet me for lunch. During lunch, I said if there is anything we cld do to save the marriage. He said No <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That he wanted out 5 years ago, and that he wasn't happy, etc etc. He said he loved OW (which I wasn't suprised abt. Most WH wld say that abt EA's.) The A has only been going on for a few months, and I know WH has been VERY STRESSED at work. He cldn't deal with this new responsibilities.. but he didn't talk to me about it even though I asked! He talked to OW! That's how everything started.

He cldn't make a decision to stay or leave for another 2 days. On one day he said we should separate and I said is there anyway to save the marriage, he said no again. So I said fine...that we have to figure out the crucial financial matters of this NEW apartment we just bought and moved into! Then the next day, he said he really didn't want this to end. During this time, he said he has been crying non-stop for 2 days, was very sorry for what he did, said he loved me as a person but didn't love me anymore, even brought up strange past regrets concerning his behaviour with this own family.. how selfish he was that he didnt' consider other's feelings, etc etc. He even mentioned stuff he wasn't happy abt during the marriage. I can understand that there will be things that a couple will not agree on all the time. However, the thing is -- with him - he NEVER expressed to me what he DIDN'T LIKE!! Sometimes I asked his opinion, and he'll just say things like "anything"... He always acted as if he was happy. Now I know it was all a lie.

All these remorse and regrets were like a mid-life crisis meltdown.

When he kinda calmed down, 5 days after D-Day, he insisted that we should separate. In fact, he said "if you want to separate or divorce at this time, it really doesn't matter to me now". I asked if there was really no hope left in the marriage. He kept silent. He just said he will be an unwilling party to rebuild the marriage in any way. Hence, in this manner, I was "strongarmed" going into Plan B almost straightaway.

After which, he continued to stay home but in the study and wandered off early in the morn, and wandered home v. late at nite to avoid me and my parents - who are living with me.

He has also refused to talk to our close friends who have showed concern for him, and a mutual pastor/friend whom we know. He has not even told his Mom or brother that we are separating... he hasn't told his close friend who treats him like a little brother.

At this time, I do not know if he was still continuing the A, but I would think so as they work together. So contact will definitely be continued! His presence (no matter how minimal) and the assumed continuing A became a thorn in the flesh... and I found it hard to heal and I felt emotionally violated every day, so I calmly requested that he find an alternative place to stay.

Soon after, another bomb was revealed. He had not been paying my cr card bills as I thought he had been doing for the last 8\9 yrs. I even gave him money to clear them!! PLUS he drew out a large sum of money from our checking a/c to help stem the cashflow problem in his business/work place and for his OWN credit card bills. He has not only cheated my heart, he cheated my money... He has also been irresponsible with his own spending, acting like he's rich when he's not.. and the money he drew out was supposed to be for the new furniture we bought (these amts were charged to the cr card). Now, I have to clear some of these money from my own savings... and worry about where to put a roof over my head.

I got angry and confronted him. I said I didn't understand why he thought we cld buy these new rather expensive furniture when he knew we had no money and that he didn't even tell me we had problems. He thought that I didn't / wouldn't understand?? That I wouldn't go try get a job to help out? That he knew I wasn't the kind to crave for luxurious goods that I'm a person who can live with simple things. I told him that was what couples were supposed to do, talk things through and work things out together. The only reason he gave was that he was "afraid to disappoint". I said it was even more disappointing that he has choosing to leave and abandon us, amidst all this financial mess he created for us. That he's taking the easy way out. He never spoke more than 2 sentences during my rant.

Since this confrontation which happened last Sat, he has not returned home. He text-ed me to say he will stay at a friend's house on Sun. I said thanks for letting me know. On Mon, he said he wanted to return home to get some meds, do I mind? I said I wasn't home.. coz the stress was getting to me so much, I was going away to a nearby island to get away with a friend for 2 days. So I told him I wld be away for 2 nites and he cld take the bed if he wanted. When I came home, my Mom told me he didn't return for the Mon and Tues nite... and since then he hasn't returned home and hasn't text-ed me or called me. I haven't called or text-ed him either. It's been 5 days already. We noticed he hasn't taken any extra clothes and alot of his stuff are still in the house! The only thing I notice missing are his daily contact lenses.

My Mom and I are naturally worried abt him but I know I also need this time to heal and get ready for the actual separation. I've already been to the lawyers last week and WH and I have actually already agreed to the financial terms. However, I do have to email him soon about re-negotiation for the repayment of the money he took from the checking a/c.

My main practical issue now is to get a decent-paying job so that I can foot household expenses. WH is so broke. I can't even get a maintenance amt from him that would help us v much. He tried to sell his car so that he needn't have to pay for hire purchase instalments but it wldn't bring back any money. And then by end of this year, we have to decide whether to sell this apartment or not. Moving to a rental place for me and my parents will be another financial killer.

Most of the days, I feel quite OK as I'm surrounded by v. loving parents, my sister, and a few close friends who have been such great help. Lately, I've just been feeling angry. I have my pockets of sadness, like this morning. I do miss him.. but after all these that he has done, I too have doubts as to whether I can even possibly want him back.

Looking at the way it is, the separation deed can be drawn up pretty quickly. It seems like this is the only way forward now.. coz I did tell him that if he has a change of heart abt the marriage, I will be willing to discuss. However, he has to be committed to that and he is no longer with her. His foggy answer? "If love comes with condition then it is not love that I am giving you. So I would accept it if you choose to hate me, I deserved it." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, thanks for listening... if anybody has bothered to read through all that. LOL

After all this that has happened, I can't even dare to hope for any reconciliation. I don't know if it's even possible. Sigh

~A

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

A few questions - Is the other woman married?

Are your parents contributing money to help out?

Do you have any children?

hiya believer

no -- she's single

nope -- my mom's a SAHM. My dad's biz isn't doing well.. besides they are pretty much into retirement age. Dad was sweet though.. he gave me a few hundred dollars to help out last week. I told him I'll save that for the groceries.

Nope -- no children either.

I had a high paying job for many years but got retrenched in mid-2003.
We r not in the USA but are facing similar employment re-structuring, i.e. lots of middle-mgt jobs have been outsourced. So job opportunities have not been good for white-collar workers aged 30-50.

~A, desperately searching for a job

Well, it sounds like your husband has work stress problems and financial problems. He may be running away from them with an affair.

The place to start is Plan A. I hope you have read all about it, and can do it. Chances are very good that the affair won't last. But you still will have all of these problems.

I would concentrate on getting a job. Somehow you are going to have to take care of yourself, until he gets his head on straight.

Do you mind if I ask what country you live in? We have lots of people here, from all over the world.

Yes, I do agree with you. I can see how it got into the A and somehow, I'm much angrier and more disappointed with his long-term deceptions and him hiding things from us more than the A itself.

I have read abt Plan A but I can't see how I can even implement it when he's set on Plan B and Plan Dv. And he's not been home for 5 straight days now! And even when he was, I don't get to see him coz he sneaks in and out like a burgler during odd hrs of the day. He is in avoidance mode.

Also, right now, I'm plain angry most of the time. I can't see/ be with him and pretend to be feeling serene.

I am definitely concentrating on getting a job. I've been sending out resumes for the last 3 weeks.

I'm somewhere in Asia. I don't feel comfortable saying which specific country yet.

~A

Ashley -

You are still very early in this. Your husband is acting very typically. He is probably feeling very guilty, and may go on like this for awhile. At first, they are all set on Plan D. That is normal.

However, things have a way of turning around. So stick with us, and keep reading and posting here.

We have several people from Asia here. Look for TuckTummy, ZizzyCool, and Anyname. They are from Hong Kong, and Indonesia.

{{{Ashley}}},

Welcome. Sorry you are going through this.

Shul

Hi, Ashley.

Believer is right on Plan A. Plan B is way off, and is basically a last resort for couples with no children.

If you haven't done so, please read all the articles on this site, and study Plan A.

I want to remind you right up front that Plan A is about negotiating an end to the affair. It is NOT about being a doormat.

All the best,
Gimble

Hey Gimble, I have read about Plan A. I have asked him to end it. He refused and asked to separate/ divorce. He say they can't fire her from the company as yet coz it's doing so poorly. WH also says he can't promise he won't stray again.

After D-Day, I told one of his major investors and friend abt the affair.. so one of them knows about it. He was also disappointed in WH and that it's happened "within the company". But he did not encourage WH to do anything - to lv OW or lv me.

Although right now, since he's not talking to ANYBODY, I do not know if it's continuing. He has not denied that it's not.. so I assume it is still going on.

As it stands, I don't even know how to start on Plan A. We simply have no contact now. And he's simply not willing to talk or negotiate. He's just thinking of divorce, divorce, divorce.

I've already done all I could do at this moment, and I'm going with my life as if he's gone.

~A

Ashley. I'm so sorry.

Your H is a big, big, big conflict avoider (CA). They're a nighmare. They think they're nice. Other people think they're nice. In reality they're chickensh*ts who hoard resentments and create explosions. Anything to keep from facing their troubles.

Lots of wayward spouses are CAs.

Oh, your H is definitely cheating. Those disappearances, those sayings of his... all so tragically typical.

Try your best to plan A, but if he does anything in your face that damages your self-respect or demands any accommodation of his affair, protect your boundaries.

Do you want to stay married? It's pretty hard when they do this. I don't mean to discourage you. But it's haaaaaard.

GC

Hi, Ashley.

You start Plan A whenever you see him. Illuminate a path for him to return to the marriage.

I am glad that you have exposed the affair to his investors. That will at least make them watch their money VERY closely. Also, it is very likely that his business will belly up with the affair being common knowledge. Investors like stability. I wouldn't be surprised if they withdrew their money.

Also, make sure that you aren't being desperate/controlling/needy with your hubby. That will just push him further away.

Please read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. W. Harley.

This is going to take a while. Don't sign anything divorce wise unless you want to.

Have you absolutely decided that you want to fight to save your marriage? If not, that is the first thing that you must decide.

All cheaters are liars. It goes with the territory. While he is involved, and for a while after it is over, assume that anything he says is a lie, the only exceptions being statements followed by like actions.

Step back and treat this like a project and remove yourself somewhat from the drama. If you have been in a high power corporate position, you very likely already know how to do this.

Weekends are slow here. Others will post to you and help get you started.

Please just realize that all of this will take time. Do what you can to relax, and above all else, realize that you can NOT control him. Stop trying.

You can do this.

All the best,
Gimble

Shul -- thanks for the hugs, btw.

GC -- yes, you r spot on about him being a CA.

I'm actually protecting myself right now because of these financial spin on things. If this is not resolved somewhat, it'll spiral out of control and my own future will be in jeopardy. The contact I need to have with him are all relating to money matters. And that's why I need some of these matters to be put on the sep. deed.

Gimble -- I don't think that investor will be withdrawing his money coz WH is only a small fry there. But I think he is keeping an eye on him. Having said that however, he treats WH as a friend, and I'm not surprised he is actually harbouring WH for the last few nites at his place.

I have actually not been desperate/ needy at all. He was surprised how calm I was after D-Day. He thought I would be totally devastated and falling into pieces. I've told him I won't stop him from being happy and if he wants to be with her, so be it. And since he doesn't want to stay in the marriage, I told him I can't FORCE him to. When he asked for separation, he said he knows I will be able to handle this pretty well. He said he doesn't know if he will regret later on, but he thinks he will and will be handling this worse off than me. I advised him that he should talk to someone and that there are many people concerned for him. He refused.

At this point, I'm swaying to the side of not wanting to fight for the marriage. It just drains too much out from me espec'ly WH being as a big CA, it's like knocking my head onto a wall. Right now, while trying to draw up the agreed terms to the lawyer, I even feel as if I'm going to be 'divorcing myself' coz he's just been "absent" and avoiding the whole thing.

And I am not sure if I can respect him every again. Although sometimes, I still hope the marriage can be saved.. because it's what people always say should be done first - try to save the marriage - but then I wonder is it because I merely missed the way things were.

So I'm concentrating on getting a job to resolve the immediate money problems.

Thanks for everyone's responses.. it doesn't quite matter if there r resolutions to the issues. Just talking about things helps <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~A

Hi, Ashley.

Quote:
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I don't think that investor will be withdrawing his money coz WH is only a small fry there. But I think he is keeping an eye on him. Having said that however, he treats WH as a friend, and I'm not surprised he is actually harbouring WH for the last few nites at his place.
====================================

I'm sorry, I had the impression that your hubby was a major player.

It does sound like the investor is either enabling or is "keeping his enemies closer" :-)

I am glad that you aren't flailing about. You do need to let hubby know that he has hurt you if you haven't already.

All the best,
Gimble

Yes, he knows I'm hurt. I told him it was v. difficult to stomach him abandoning us all and that he has NEVER EXPRESSED how unhappy he was or what he was not happy about during the marriage. And that he's not giving it a chance at all.

Anyway,... surprise, surprise. WH just text-ed me saying he's coming home to pick up "a few pieces of clothes" and letters if any and that he will be staying with a friend's for the moment.

I asked if it was possible to know which friend. He said one of his golfing buddies.. I can kinda guess which one.

I guess I'll try to remain neutral and keep my frustration and anger in check. I must go do my breathing exercies now. LOL

~A

So WH came back to collected "a few pcs of clothes" yesterday and some mail. We didn't speak to each other. He didn't even announce that he was back home. *shrug*

I let him be and was skimming the newspapers for job options.

The rather scary thing is that the longer this goes on, the easier it gets. I am getting used to not seeing him and I don't think about him as often.

~A

I've been mulling on the idea of exposing the A to one of my WH's fellow investors/ good friend. He's someone I also know for many years although not very close.

WH has been hiding about the incident to most of the pple surrounding him. He hasn't told his family, and he hasn't told this close friend of his.

My family knows abt the A and so do my close friends.

I know WH will be extremely angry if I told this friend of his abt the A and that we are going to be separating.

Any thoughts, advice?

~A

Hi Ashley,

You should absolutely expose to any individuals who might a)talk some sense into your H, or b)apply pressure on him to end the A.

The fact is that your H is 'getting away with' having an A, in that his family/friends are unaware.

Tell them. Let the chips fall where they may.

Good luck.

Hi Healing.. I have already drafted out an email.. I think I wld most prob send it out tomorrow. I'm not sure how this will pan out. I don't think H will change his mind, but this is a matter that shld not be hidden.

~A

I've just emailed H's close friend abt the A and what a mess he made our of our finances.

I don't know how the cards will fall.. we'll see!

Maybe there wldn't be much of a reaction

~A

Well, no major impact from the exposure that I did even though WH's friend did give me a call to say he was sorry to hear abt things and he was not aware of the A at all. He did notice that WH hasn't been all himself lately and everytime he asked if there's a problem, WH says he's fine. I cldn't talk to WH's friend for long because I was heading out for an interview. WH's friend is also helping me search for a job.

Other than that, the only contact I had with WH after several days of silence was yesterday when I asked him crucial issues concerning our finances. They were short, straight to the point convos. He's still holing up at his friend's place. I do not know if he'll come back to grab "a few more pcs of clothing".

I did email him the draft financial agreement for the separation papers. He didn't reply to it AT ALL. I haven't chased him either. Is he avoiding the matter?? I wonder.

How on earth to you do a Plan A when he's not even around??? It's already almost a Plan B!


~A