It's been quite peaceful lately.. a nice respite after all the drama that's been happening.

WH's bday is this Fri.. I don't even know if I shld wish him at all. Or just ignore it.

We've not really spoken to each other since the day he moved out. Subsequent "convos" were just TM's from him abt $$ stuff/ bills, etc

~A

Ashley, that's great! No matter what happens with your WH, you'll be able to take care of yourself financially.

I'm no expert at this stuff, but if you feel like it, maybe you could text message him something like "thinking of you on your birthday" or just "happy birthday." I'm sure others with more wisdom will be along with advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Threadjack: Our 16th wedding anniversary is this Friday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> This Friday is just a bad day all around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Guess Friday will be trigger days for us, huh Pebs?

I think I'll just TM a short simple msg for old time's sakes. But I think I'll start planning for some activities myself too.. to keep my mind off things!

I have no choice but to start looking for options pronto so that we can continue to have food on our table and a roof over our heads! (My aged parents live with me.)
WH messed our financial situation so badly... it's another one of those things that I felt so swindled/ cheated about. August is going to be a little tough money-wise. I can't take temp jobs because of the various tutorials/ tests I have to attend for the insurance courses. So I'm really hoping I'll pass the tests by end August and will be able to step out as a fresh newbie agent by Sep!



~A

Just got my revised draft for the separation deed from my lawyer. So, I guess by next week, we shld be *officially* separated.
*sigh*

I really wonder if the marriage can be saved at all when WH is physically unavailable and emotionally uninterested. And even so, down the road.. I wonder if it's worth any real effort to save it. Maybe we cld have grown too far apart by then. Out of sight, out of mind concept.


~A

Out of sight, out of mind...

I am converted now to the wonderful simplicity of Plan B.

Whenever my WH comes over here, even if I don't see him, it is very, very upsetting for me. It affects me for days afterwards.

I don't want to see him any more. I want peace. I don't care any more whether the marriage is saved. I just want to move on.

So, if you are separated for three years before your D, Ashley, you may not want to save it any more anyway. As you say, out of sight, out of mind.

You are already doing a great job of moving on for yourself, as far as I can see.

Alph.

Alph, you still in Plan A right? Until you return from your holiday?

It was v upsetting for me to have him still staying here but ignoring me totally and continuing the A. Plan A was virtually impossible because there wasn't an oppor to talk/ negotiate with each other. He cut me off COMPLETELY.

I ate and slept better when he stopped staying here. Not to say that I wished we cld have been able to work this out but I wasn't given a fair chance to do so.

If lack of contact remains and I've moved on alot farther on from this point that I'm at today, it's a very high likelihood that the desire to save the marriage will be gone.. coz there will not be a shred of rel'ship left to save!! That's the sad part of it all.


~A

Didn't want to tj Pebb's thread.
Gimble posted on Pebble's thread


Gimble, you made me ponder alittle re: what you said to Pebbles.

I'm not sure WH will be camping os my door down the road .. but I do think he is rather intimidated of me. Of how strong and determined I can be to make things happen and to move on. On the day he wanted to separate, he even told me that I will handle this crisis better than him. I just don't understand why he doesn't think we can get thru this together. I think he's got alot of pride.

anyway... nothing I can do re: him or his thoughts.

As we've been checking the mail regularly, I've discovered that WH owes more than $6.5K on his own cr card bill!! So he's really in debt. Wonder how he's going to dig himself from his own financial wormhole.

Abt my separation deed, all we need to do now is sign it. Do you people think I shld write him a short simple letter when he has the deed in hand?

~A

journalling and pondering.. and I don't want to TJ Alphin's thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Thanx for your post Orchid.

A couple of days after D-Day, WH kept admitting "that he's been living a lie".. that he "wanted to leave 5 yrs ago".. and "how selfish he has been"..

Unfortunately, as much remorse and sadness and guilt he's shown, he still felt v. entitled to continue the A.

I did tell him that he keeps saying he's sorry but he is not doing much to rectify the issue but is only thinking of separating and leaving. (As if escaping would resolve any of the "problems" he had raised as to why he had an A.)

That was one of the main reasons why I didn't want to hold him back anymore and am making as many steps as possible (each and every day) to move forwards.

If this person is he now is becoming is "the real him", then we are highly incompatible. I can't believe that one can deny one's true self or pretend to be someone else for 17 yrs.

~A

For the last few days I've been doing pretty good and had been busy due to the new courses I needed to take. And then coming home to study the modules. So much so that WH didn't really creep into my mind.

Till this morning for some reason or other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It was the feeling of abandonment that seems so hard to shake off. Well, for today at least.

I wondered how he cld easily choose to leave and then basically just about "disappear". Unlike many WS' on this board who seem to be still be wavering/ waffling in their actions, mine just goes "poof". No contact. No peekings. Pls-leave-my-mail-in-the-mailbox-and-I'll-collect-them-whenever. Do-you-need-help-with-the-????. Nada. Zilch. I'm Gone. Total Avoidance. Indifference???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I have to admit the upside of not seeing him as the days/ weeks/ months progress, is that I breathe better. I eat and sleep better. I live better compared to when he was continuing the A and still bunking on the small sofa in the study. Those 3.5 weeks were devastating to my being.

But it's still a bitter pill to swallow when you feel as if you've been so easily dumped after a 17-yr rel'ship. I wonder - maybe OW is meeting a h*ll lot of his needs then. Maybe I was the wrong partner and not what he really wanted/ needed after all. *shrug*

And if that were true.. I still know there's nothing I can do about his choices.

Any tips on how to deal with these abandonment feelings?

Then... maybe I'll be on an upcurve and will feel much better again tomorrow!

~A

It's already been a week since I gave the almost final draft to my WH to have a look thru. He was the one chasing me to get it done, and ... there's just silence at his end now. If he was in such a hurry, wldn't he have rushed the papers back to me like within a day?

Anyway... I'm also referring to my previous post abt feelings of abandonment. Anyone has any wise tips for coping with those feelings?

~A

Ashley -

My WH was like yours - just gone. I never got any answers to my questions, didn't know that he was unhappy about, etc. Sometimes it just works out that way.

But it very likely has little to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with him.

So get on with your life, and make it a good one. That is what I have done, and now I am happy that I don't have to talk to or see WH.

Thx for the encouragement, believer.

I guess I get a little envious of those whose WS are at least still waffling or engaging them with their rather "funny" antics. But then, I also know I don't want the drama and have chosen to remove myself from that.

I also ponder to myself if I really do want him back if he can be so able to walk away this easily or lie for so long that the H I "knew" was his real self. Or whether if he comes back, I just wanted to see him "decide" that I was in fact the right choice for him. Rather than a poor meager second (third???) choice. An ego thing for me perhaps.

Anyhow, it's just how my thoughts are going these days...

Well, back to the studying.. at least that keeps my brain utilised in a more effective manner!

~A

Arrrggghhh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I'm getting really annoyed with WH. He is not helping me with the fixed monthly expenses and claims he is trying to "raise money". He also still owes me for my cr card bills.

We had agreed on an amt and he is not even giving me that.

I think after all the chasing, he is going to stall on signing the sep deed because he will not be able to support me at all. Now, I even have to think of a way to dig out money for the phone bills and such.

Soooo with him saying he has no money, I still don't understand how he thinks he can move out, rent a place and support a mistress!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

As for good news, I passed the first module test today. Two more tests to go in order to get a insurance agent license. Today's test was the toughest of the three. So I'm glad that one's over!

~A

WH managed to scrounge up some money for this month and had it transferred to my a/c this morning. That was a relief. However, I do not know if he'll be able to do that again next month, but I shan't worry abt that now. One day at a time.. and trusting God that He'll continue to provide, open doors and do miracles.

Some background, my dad is a serial cheater and my Mom is the classic enabler and doesn't set boundaries. WH knows abt my Dad's behaviour. My Dad has been into some trouble lately and I updated WH abt this matter.

In his email reply, WH said that he thinks it wld not be fair for him to comment abt my parents anymore as he is now not any better than my Dad. I told him yes, you will be no better especially if you do not learn from mistakes and repeat them over and over again just like my Dad!

Seems like guilt is gnawing away...

~A

Good for you! How long to get your license?

I shld be contracted with the agency end of this month if I pass all the tests. After that, I think there wld be product courses.

That's why I really need to have WH's financial support. Due to all this training interspersed between work days, I find it hard to get even a part-time job as over here, they usually require a full-day one-month to six-month stint. I really hope I can get extra income coming in by late Sep.

~A

Quick advice needed.

Summary of events lately...
* 21 July - MIL blasted WH after he told her abt affair and him moving out. WH asked me to not tell MIL abt which specific woman OW was. I refused. Minutes later, WH chased on sep deed for the umpteenth time. I called MIL on 22 July to give her my spin of the story.

* Finalised draft of sep deed sent to WH on 28 July

* No reply from WH abt sep deed at all till now. It's been 17 days.

* Last correspondence from him was about monthly amt that he is helping us pay for fixed hsehld expenses, and helping to pay down my cr card bills. (The $ is still short of covering alot of things but he's in debt! He also owes me a personal loan totalling $30K.)

* In June, we already decided to liquidate our overseas property. This was after I found out he was not only deceiving me abt the A but also about the use of my funds and joint funds. By selling the property, we can resolve most of the pressing financial issues.

* He was suppose to handle this but was also dragging his feet for the last 2 mths. I managed to find an alternative property agent. My last email to him was forwarding an email from property agent asking for more info abt the overseas property. This was just sent a few mins ago.

* My lawyer just called to ask abt status of the sep deed. He is a friend of my dad's and didn't press me to have it submitted.

I know it's crucial for me to protect my financial interests.. that's what the sep deed was supposed to cover. He has NO DEPENDANTS (not counting the OW!).. I have two aged parents living with me!

I want to ask for the status of the sep deed... He was the one who asked to be separated, moved out and chasing for the sep deed. We have not talked about relationship or anything concerning our marriage ever since he escaped to his friend's place on 20 June and have been living there since.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Here is my draft email..


Please let me know the status of the draft separation deed. The draft was emailed to you on 28 July.
As you already know, I would have liked to work on the issues in our marriage.
However, we cannot discuss abt the future when the infidelity is still continuing.
In the meantime, I have to protect my financial interests as I have two dependants, which are my parents.
So please revert to me the about the separation deed soon.

Is it too cold?? Too practical??? Too official?

~A

2222 much info. Maybe something more like:

WS,

Please provide the status of the separation deed. There is extra work to be done so I need the info by: ___/___/___.

Sincerely,
Ashley.

Now you may get a call asking why r u being so formal. I know I did. In my case I reminded the WS at that time that it was the safest way to deal with someone who has abandoned his family. Yep, I rubbed it in when I could. He agreed. I then asked for him to find my H and let him know I'd like to speak to him. Nope wouldn't settle for a character switch right then and there, asked him to give H a message and for H to call me, not the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Ok.. got it.. thanks Orchid

I don't think he'll call. He never calls!! He doesn't even have the gumption to talk to me on the phone. BUt in one other recent email concerning $ I told him the same thing about me not knowing where my real H is!

~A

Well, I needn't have to sent him the reminder after all.

I just rec'd an email from him telling me to proceed with the sep agreement. Seems like he's still v deep in the fog and I still haven't stop being amazed at how he's so willing to abandon me and lose everything (even all his assets) just for the "soulmate" OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

~A