I have been doing quite well for a few weeks, but these couple of days have been a downer for me.

I don't know if it's because the place that I've been taking the insurance courses is just across the streeet where WH's office is. Everytime I see that blue building, the images of him cavorting with the OW in the office bites.

Or whether it's coz my an(un)-niversay is coming up mid next month. I had been asked him abt going away for our 10th anniversary and he had always replied "where do you want to go?" He never raised any problems concerning our marriage. I had always thought we were happy. (Now, it makes me feel very VERY resentful that he set me up to fail and then decide to abandon me together with setting me up to almost financial ruin.)

Or maybe because I'm planning for another trip to Bangkok to restock for my online biz and the last time we were in Bangkok was in Jan. He had acted so happy and motivated then, going into each little shop to get household items for our new apartment. (Now I'm strapped with trying to figure out our loan repayments and whether to sell this place next yr. Almost every thing in this house is a trigger because we had bought and decided on the furniture *TOGETHER*. Sometimes I hate being here.)

Not only is there a WH and real H personality. I feel that there are also 2 sides of me reacting to each of them. I feel as if I'm battling myself. Like Gollum and the lure of Ring.

One side (Gollum) feels very angry and resentful and at the moment, I know I can't talk to him face to face without showing the hurt and rage simmering below. The other side (Smeagol) knows that I still love him.

Gollum wants to give up and walk away. Smeagol wants to try to be patient and see if he'll ever get out of the fog.

Gollum feels defeated. Smeagol wants to still fight.

But lately, I'm beginning to feel I've no fight left. WH has shown himself v. willing to walk away from me and everything we had built up in our 17 yrs of history to stay faithful to OW. Even after D-Day, the main issue that he kept harping about was "what to do with the apartment".. not "what to do with us/ marriage?" It was like he was already planning his way out financially and emotionally for some time. The heartless con-man.

I truly wonder if that's the true core person he actually is. I know I do not want to stay married to such a man. And I certainly DESERVE BETTER!

At least some of the WH's here are still engaging their spouses and fence-sitting/ cake-eating. It shows they still have the BS in their hearts and minds somewhere.

My WH has only demonstrated distance and silence, except for cursory emails on the sole purpose of conducting a sep/ divorce. I can't plan A with emptiness and air, can I? Can you swing a broad sword with an invisible opponent and still win? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

At this moment, I have no choice but the continue scarce but necessary polite emails with WH re: the sale of an overseas property. Before I actually posted on MB, I did write him an email that was somewhat like a Plan B letter. I didn't really know about plan A/B then. He had already been avoiding me for a month during that instance and moved out soon after. He said if I asked for conditions/these things from him, (like we can rebuild the M if he stopped the A) then it's not love he's giving me.

Do I really need a plan B letter again? It seems pointless to do so. Especially when you already have a non-engaging, non-caring WS.

It's a good thing I do have things planned today. I have a facial at the spa, and my new potential boss at the insurance agency had invited me to attend a talk this evening where there is an invited motivational speaker. Sounds interesting. I have been enjoying spending time with my new boss, a manager from the agency and meeting some new fellow life planner agents. I am feeling quite "excited" abt this new career path as I feel that I want to meet more interesting and new people -- while trying to earn more money! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I hope I pass the last two tests next week!

So, as down as I feel lately, I'm trying to stay positive. It's quite a battle... guess I'm feeling a little tired.

One thing that really helped was The_Wondering's post abt The FORK. That image really helped me yesterday when my inner demons were taunting me!

~A

{{{Ashley}}}

Hey you. I'm sorry you feel so down.


Me, too! And I love the Gollum analogy. I'm a big Tolkien fan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm split like Gollum, but aspire to Galadriel-like serenity. And see my WH as Sauron at the moment LOL.


You do deserve better. If your WH doesn't get his head out of where the sun don't shine, you will, without a doubt, find better, too.

Enjoy your facial. It's great to pamper yourself, isn't it? I'm still up from all the new clothes I bought on holiday.

Rest up, and recharge. You are a naturally postive person, and this will pass quickly. You are strong, and motivated, and special.

I loved the 'Fork' story too!

Take care. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, thanks so much for the hugs, thoughts and support. It was much appreciated.

Being out of the hse today, having a facial and meeting some more new people at the talk tonite was good for me. I think I will need to continue to "put myself out there" and expand my horizons.

Yes, I'm a LOTR fan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love fantasy novels too... but lately, I haven't had time to read many books.

I hope you are staying strong and positive too!

~A

I've made arrangements with my lawyer to sign the sep deed on Tues eve before it goes to WH for signing.
*Sigh*

But I feel more comfortable that it is finalised as it will secure my finances legally.

WH better NOT TOUCH the funds that may come in once the overseas property is sold. I've spelt out how the funds are to be used in our sep deed. He better not be stupid, think we are suddenly cash rich and do something funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

On a more hopeful note, tomorrow is my 2nd test for the insurance agent license. I hope I'll pass this one!

~A

Good luck with the test!

Thanks cc!

I passed the test!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Also, got a little update. My Dad gets along relatively well with my BIL (WH's elder bro). They talk on the phone sometimes and play golf together. Recently, my Dad had to take care of some stuff so they didn't manage to stay in contact when D-Day fell thru.

Finally, today Dad called BIL. BIL started out by saying there's been lots of problems. BIL's biz is failing and is short of money as well. However, his wife is asking him for more for her biz too. I dunno what biz this is. If it's for a MLM scheme, I wld say she's got duped. Said his wife suddenly developed an inferior complex and is getting "crazy". She has been talking about divorce many times recently!

Then, he started to talk abt MIL. MIL has not still gotten over WH's philandering behaviour, and her blood pressure has gone back up. BIL said that WH shld have chosen to stay in the marriage rather than go with the girl whom he's barely known for a few months. BIL said he is v disappointed with WH's decision and behaviour. Their Dad passed away when they were v young and they were v poor. BIL sacrificed his education to give WH a chance to succeed and now he's behaved in this manner. BIL said he had acted as both father and brother to WH all these yrs.

BIL wanted to call WH on his bday to take him out for dinner and have a talk with him, but due to BIL's wife weird behaviour, he hadn't focussed on WH. He kept apologising to my Dad. Dad said don't worry, it isn't BIL's fault and take care of his own problems first.

Interesting to say the least.

Ok.. I gotta go back to mug for my 3rd and final test soon. It's this Thur.


~A

I needed time to study for my last min entry requirement test so I had postponed by signing for the sep deed till this Fri.

More on the BIL story - according to my Mom, she said Dad told her he was almost in tears on the phone abt the problems their family is facing.

Instead of us being in utter shambles and bitter abt his brother (WH) abandoning us, my Dad took to comforting BIL instead.

I was saying to Mom it's strange BIL's wife wld keep harping on divorce when she has 3 young kids in tow. I wonder if *she's* having an affair?!!

~A

Hi Ashley.


Quite possibly!

Study hard - good luck with the test!

Alph.

Hey there...

I passed my final test today! I'm so relieved... I was getting tired of the text books!

I will be meeting my mgr tomorrow to see if we can sign the representatives contract.

On the flipside, I received not v good news abt the valuation price of the overseas property. I was hoping it'll help our fin'l state but the current selling price is low and we'll probably make only a marginal profit. I think I'd go ahead and sell it anyway since we can't afford to maintain the loan repayments much longer.

Because of this news and how it brings our f'l problems back to square one, I feel VERY angry and resentful of WH today. I don't understand how he cld just not talk to me about these issues early on. Not only did he escape from these f'l headaches, he even dumped me in the process of doing so.

Right now, I don't think I can even talk to him face to face or see him without a strong urge to give him a smack. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I hope he sleeps well every nite. Not.

~A

Congrats!

Look to the futur.

Ashley, How about you take a pillow, imagine it is your WH, and DO smack him!

End of tests? Good reason to celebrate, no!?

Thank you so much, you two.

I wish I play golf. Then everytime I whack the ball, I can imagine it's WH's head or lower extremities for that matter.

My interview with the principal has been delayed till Mon. It's done for formality's sake. We'll see if I get to sign the contract on Mon, so that I can officially start selling, if need be.

I'm sure there'll be more courses -- I know there are orientation courses to attend because of the variety of products being offered by the company. So I'll be kept busy.

The signing of the sep deed has been temporarily delayed. Went to lawyer.. he said it'll serve my interest better if WH signs it first. Now you tell me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Lawyer is my dad's friend so maybe he just wants to make sure I'm doing OK.. coz he also asked me abt my job situation.

I had to call WH twice in the end just to ask for his new address and office address so that the deed cld be sent there to him. I was short and to the point. Got nothing else to say to him.


~A

Congratulations on passing the test, Ashley.

Full steam ahead!

Alph.

Thanks Alph!

I'm trying to learn and progress each day as best as I can. Some thoughts are running thru my mind today... and I was just wondering..


if your WS (after leaving home) does not engage you in any way, wld you tend to give up hope on the marriage?

I know I have to concentrate on my own healing and growth.. but it does make me wonder if I shld spend any energy at all trying to save/ rebuild my marriage when there is v little fuel left to spur it on any further?

There's the other more spiritual side of me that tells me that I can't predict the future and things are also in God's hands. Maybe I have a bit of a difficulty with giving all up to faith. Something I have to work on? Hmmm....

~A

Finally emailed WH to return house keys and collect his other leftover misc belongings - CDs, documents, etc. Told him Mom will liaise with him re: maintenance amts from now onwards. Unfor, I still have to email him re: the sale of the overseas property.

I have to slowly work on acceptance. I find it sad and sometimes difficult to accept that he cld throw away things like that, without even looking back and without even trying. It's heartless.

I don't want a heartless man in my life. This man wasn't the guy I thought I married - that's for sure.

I'll be meeting my ins agent mgr today for the formal interview with HQ and getting my contract signed. Here's to a (hopefully good) and new future. I'm really hoping this career will be able to help me resolve some of my pressing financial issues.

~A

My contract with the insurance principle has been signed. I attend the first of orientation courses next week and today, I'm meeting mgr again so that he can brief me about a couple of products in the meantime.

No peep from WH at all. Didn't even tell my mom when he might come return the housekeys. He even has his insurance policies and school certs here. Is he deaf/ blind? Anyway, they are all chucked into a corner for his collection, whenever.

I think I am one of those v few here who have a totally non-engaging WS. It's like you're trying to manage a blank wall. It's a hopeless situation.

I just instructed overseas agent to start marketing and selling off the property. We simply can't afford to maintain the bank loan too much longer. I hope we can liquidate this quickly. I'm praying that it does.. as the market situation doesn't seem encouraging either.

Another day forward!

~A

I seem to be talking to myself... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I have a question...

What do you do when you have a WH who is totally detached?

Other than working on yourself, and your own healing and practical issues of getting yr finances back in order, etc etc.. and moving on each and every day?

I guess I read the other threads and there's so much the BS can actively do or not do.

As for me, I feel plan B or no plan B, it doesn't make a difference at all. I have no reactions from WH. He does not call nor does he contact other than saying - the bank transfer is delayed, or I will sign this document and put it back in the mailbox. Cold, to the point things like that. He does not ask to see me. There are simply no attempts whatsoever and there are no signs of fence-sitting/ cake-eating.

He hasn't even acknowledged my email to say when he will return the housekeys.

And I haven't even got notice frm my lawyer that the deed is waiting for me to be signed (Lawyer says WH has to sign first.)

In some ways and on some days, I feel rather helpless.

*sigh*


~A

Have you read the thread Suzet had going about personal power? I will look for it and bump it up for you.

Ashley, I am so sorry about your non responsive WH. Some days (except for my kids needing him) I wish mine was like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Just remember that you are in control of you. You have done what is necessary to protect yourself and congratulations on the job stuff. Be proud, you are handling yourself honorably.

hi faithful follower

Thank you v much for yr response and bumping that thread.

It helped that you responded as I was in a sudden downswing again last nite. I am not the type to panic or cry v easily and I have stayed pretty solid, practical and calm for many weeks. Somehow last nite wasn't a good nite and I grieved and bawled my eyes out. Maybe the pressure of all the financial issues are getting to me and I'm more or less dealing with this alone.

Reading Suzet's thread again helped as a reminder and a further prod on the back. I think I need that once in a while.

The job is something I have never done before and on the surface, people who know me simply cannot imagine me doing insurance. I guess the sudden prospect of it did scare me last nite and I had many doubts. Stone-cold fear.

I need to get a grip on that. I know I am capable and smart and even though not glib, I am likeable and people tend to trust me.

So I'm going to start doing headtrips on myself today.. change my thinking a little.

Thanks for posting again...it helps to at least "talk" to someone.

~A

{{{Ashley}}}

I am officially in lurker mode now, but just wanted to drop in and say 'hi'.

Email me at greblos69@hotmail.com if you feel like a chat, any time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.