Ok, so this is frustrating......

I've been doing reasonably well. I've managed to handle my XH and the Mouth (my name for OW) showing up at my church together, and even laughed about it, because it was really kind of pitiful.

I even managed to feel a little sorry for both of them when I read something he had posted about not knowing if child she is carrying is his or not.

And I really don't think it will bother me if/when I find out they got married. They deserve each other.

But the last few days, I've just wanted to do SOMETHING to get even. I know it's stupid, and I don't want to sink to their level, but.... After all they put me through, there are still days when I want to do something to get even.

I pulled up a few web pages through an anonymizer tonight - had every intention of setting up an account that would get forwarded to his real e-mail account, and posting as him on some of the same places he was posting on when he was cheating on me and met her. They supposedly share all e-mail... one way or another, I would expect it to stir up some trouble, because I know they can't possibly trust each other.

I was good, and quit before I'd started. But the urge is still there.

And I am pretty sure I will be able to refrain. Continuing on at this point would be just so.... classless. And I think that's one of the things that bothered me most about all this - how low-class the whole mess was, and that he would cheat on me with someone as "white trash" as the Mouth is. I have too much class for that.

But what's bothering me is that I have this urge at all at this point. I'm seeing someone now - though it isn't serious and likely never will be. But we have fun together. And I am much happier with who I am these days. I've gotten back to being the old me - who I was before all the emotional abuse from him (there was more than just the affair. I just chose to ignore it because given some of the things he pulled, the alternative would have been divorce, and I was trying to avoid that.)

So why are these urges for revenge coming back now? I'm kind of hoping it's just me reacting to the fact that the one year mark of the divorce is coming up. But I don't know. I just don't understand how I can be going along fine - doing really well, in fact, and then all of a sudden have these feelings return and blindside me all over again.

And it isn't wanting him back - I still have occasional nightmares that he comes back and I can't get rid of him! No, it's just this recurring wish to make him hurt the way he hurt me for so many years.

Sigh! Someone please tell me it's normal for these feelings to pop back up again out of the blue, and that they'll eventually go away for good!

I think that you're right on target about the one year anniversary of your divorce. Often things come up on "anniversary" dates, good and bad. I do think it's normal, and I do think it will pass. Usually getting through the "firsts" of everything is the most difficult. Subsequent years seem to have less impact unless there continue to be ongoing relationship issues.

Fantasize all you want about revenge! Just don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they impact on your life in the slightest!! Good luck!

I don't know. But don't give in to it. Why is he consuming your time? You say you've gotten back to the old you, but is the old you someone who would intentionally and purposefully inflict pain on someone? Doesn't sound like it. Be the old you.

Thanks HM. I guess since I have been doing well, I thought the 1 year mark wasn't going to bother me so much. The good thing is, I have a whole lot of things scheduled for the next couple of weeks. Keeping busy is probably the best prescription here.

DD - no, I won't give in to it. And I definitely am getting back to the old me. The me of the last few years probably would have had it done before I even had a second thought about it. But last night I didn't get beyond bringing up Yahoo! through an anonymizer. Then I said....what are you doing? And what does this matter? I know I'm better off now. And I do know that whether they are together or not, whether they are happy or not, there is eventually a price to pay for treating someone the way I was treated. And it's not my place to try and punish...

I can say, too, that he really doesn't occupy much of my time anymore. I seldom think of him at all. That's part of the reason this was disturbing. I'm thinking more and more that it is the 1st anniversary of the divorce coming around. Like I told HM above, I guess I just need to keep really busy over the next few weeks...hopefully so busy that I don't have time to dwell on it.

I too would love revenge and think of it often but I realize that it would only hurt me more. My STBX and the OW aren't worth my time. They deserve what they get and believe me....they will get it one day. Maybe it won't be until they meet God on Judgement day but it will come!!!

Dear All,

I think these feelings of revenge/anger are a very instinctive reaction to the A. After all, an A means that an OP has invaded your territory (the M) and threatens it.

When this happens to a lion, you can very well picture his reaction. He will try to scare off the invader, or kill him, or be killed in the process.

We are so "civilised" that we hold back these feelings of agression/anger, but they exist alright, and we can't get them out of our system. We would love to see OP running away with their tail between their legs. We might want to bite, hit, or at the very least, roar! But we cannot.

Then again - giving into physical attraction is also very instinctive. Nothing to do with love, very much with instinct.

So yes, we would lower ourselves to the level of OP and WS if we give in to our instincts like they did with total disregard of the feelings of others, without being reasonable.

Better scream then, or buy a punching bag, or smash some old pottery/plates against a wall (that works wonders <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) !

The revenge factor will take care of itself. I agree with the other posters here about not giving in to it. If you did try to get even in some way, I think you would probably feel the same or even worse, but not better. Revenge is a bit of an illusion. An extremely tempting illusion, but that's all. I predict that eventually his life with the mouth will become miserable. It may take some time but eventually it's going to go sour. The odds are seriously against them having a happy life together. That's what I mean about revenge taking care of itself. There's an old saying that might apply here: How do you get even with a woman who steals your husband?.............................................................. Let her keep him.

I hope that helps.

killerjoe1....I totally agree and have used that line before....The best revenge is to let the OP have the WS. They will get what they want...and trust me....that "ain't" good. They are getting a liar, cheater, a person who has no respect for values and morals. Do you want that??? Of course not....so let them have the WS. The deserve each other. Best revenge!!!!

Good for you. I think I'm going to try and take your lead and stay busy - cause when I have time it drives me crazy. Just in the beginning of the D but things will get hot here when I ask her to move out. Coming to a head soon. Good Luck sounds like you've got a strong will and good attitude. DD

killer and TR -

Yeah, I know you are right about letting the OW have him - it is the best revenge. And I've even said before that I'm not sure which of them to feel sorrier for. The day we had a confrontation at MVA and the Mouth was screaming in my face, all I could think afterwards was "He thinks he's getting such a great catch? She got right in the face of essentially a complete stranger (me) and screamed, and even came close to hitting me when I put a notebook up between our faces because I didn't appreciate her being in my face. All because I wouldn't do things the way she wanted them done (which was basically to give him everything he wanted without him having to take care of his obligations at all!) If she'd do that to a complete stranger, what's she going to do to him the first time he doesn't exactly toe the line?" Yeah, they deserve each other.

And of course, I realize that revenge has another unintended consequence. At least in the case of XH and the mouth, I served as the common enemy to drive them together. I knew anytime things were going rough between them, because that's when I would hear from XH again, and he would start making noise about not being happy with his side of things in the divorce, or that I wasn't doing things the way he thought I should, or whatever. Next thing you know, I'd be getting phone calls and/or e-mails from her, and they would be uniting together against me. So any attempt at revenge could just push them closer together again.

Besides, the urge has passed. I'm mostly back to normal again... though I've found I have ended up crying over a few things the last few days. Not about him in particular - more just about the fact that I am divorced, and about missing a group of friends. We went to Arlo Guthrie concerts frequently, and had a lot of mutual friends we would see at the concerts, especially at the shows up at AGs community center in Massachusettes. I haven't gone since we separated because he still goes, and it was "his" thing (though I was as good, if not better, friends with most of the people.) I started thinking about going to one, and then started imagining how awkward it would be, since he takes the mouth with him to these things, and I started crying.

I hope I'm right and it is just the one-year anniversary of the divorce coming up (July 19). Because I had been doing fine with all this stuff until recently.

The thing is - it definitely does not have anything to do with missing him. It's just the other losses - the friends and concerts, the in-laws (they have no problem with me, and were fairly upset about all this too, but they are still his family, and we had no kids,so it means contact is limited,) even in some ways the fact that we didn't have kids (though I really am grateful for that, it's the loss of not having kids, not the loss of not having HIS kids!)

And now I'm just babbling on. There's no real advice to give me - I know the right things to do, and I'm trying to do them. I just hope these feelings pass again quickly.

I guess the one thing I would ask is - what's everyone's opinion on the concerts? It isn't like a major rock concert - these are smaller events where we definitely see each other if we were both there. And the shows up at the center tend to be several day long events, with a tailgate party one afternoon and such. I really miss everyone and want to go.... but I'm not sure if I should or not. (XH runs AGs website, so he definitely considers this stuff his territory, so to speak.)