I made the huge error of becoming overconfident tonight, and with my lack of in depth familiarity with Plan A, I did something I thought was a great idea, and ended up paving a road to hell with my good intentions.
I know NOW that this is not part of plan a, but I sent OM an email tonight telling him to basically stay out of my marriage, and he sent it to WS, and she kicked my [censored] bigtime. Came home and gave me her wedding ring. Told me I was trying to force things, to control things, and manipulate things and she didnt want to be with someone that terrible.
I have made OM look like a damn hero, a victim, and an obviously preferable choice... what a dumb thing to do. My WHOLE focus right now is giving HER reasons to end the affair, not eliminating him from the picture... only SHE can do that and I didn't give her that chance. I know SHE needs to be motivated by my actions to return, to end contact, etc... and here I am doing something that takes away the opportunity for her to defend our relationship. I had initiated Plan A a few days ago, and she was responding SO well that I became emotionally overconfident and screwed up bigtime. She had even told me recently that she intended to sever any inappropriate contact with him, and now I've made it look like I won't give her that opportunity and she thinks it's because I want to control her. I just want this nightmare to be over, but I obviously need to exercise more patience and faith in the process.
I sleep in our bed tonight, she sleeps downstairs. All I've done is made things worse by deviating from the Plan. All I want is for things to be better, and I recognize now that the majority of work I'll have to do, the biggest enemy to this process, is myself. If that is the case, then my first order of business is to attack the things in myself that undermine my efforts to Plan A, I need to eliminate things that motivate my wife to distance herself from me in fear, and ultimately seek to have her emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere.
I have ordered his needs/her needs, love busters, and surviving the affair... educating myself towards new tools and habits I think is MY first step towards being better equipped to fulfill her ENs.
One spark of hope, she says she still loves me even though I've hurt her... but she's unwilling to subject herself to my mistakes anymore. my poor wife has been treated so badly

I'm not religious at all, but I think I will pray tonight

CT,

Don't worry. Many of us make that same mistake early on.

Don't interact with OM. They always find some insane way to turn this on you and nothing hurts worse than having your WS take the OP's side. Yuk.

Your on a good path. Read, read, read. Take care of yourself. Plan A can be draining. You'll feel like you are trying to fill a bottomless pit, getting no recognition for your efforts. It's not for wimps, so find ways for yourself to tank up on positive energy. Get some daily exercise in the fresh air.

U didn't fail. Make sure U stay in your bed. The WS does not belong in your bed. Your W does.

The OM is not a hero. He is a weinnie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

The WS gave you the ring back. Your W would never do something so hateful.

Love your W. Plan A your W but not the WS. You will have a clearer mind after you read those books.

Don't feel guilty for the warning to the OM. Now you realize the OM can't take a warning. He isn't worth warning anyways.

Don't waste your time on him anymore. He is trash, scum, garbage.

Spend your time, energy, love and $$ on you and your family. Not on your WS but on your W.

The skill w/b to try and learn how to id your W vs the WS.

L.

Keep the ring on your bedroom dresser, in plain sight.

Non-verbal communication can also be a wonderful thing as she sees you keeping her "vow" of marriage in plain sight to you, even if she is acting like some alien simply "wearing" your wife's skin.

I'm going to also tell you something that you may find hard to do, but something that is essential if you want to get the affair to end and to recover your marriage. Continue Plan A. It's about making YOU a better person whether or not you are married to the woman you originally married. Understand that ANYTHING you do, not just a logical letter to the OM, can...and usually will...trigger a negative reaction from your wife because she is trying to "justify" in her mind that ADULTERY is "okay." Here comes the really hard, but essential, part....you must be PATIENT and waiting for her beyond any definition of "patience" you have ever known. You have to "stuff" your legitimate, negative, activities for now. There will be a time for that, but not in a way that is meant to "destroy and hurt" your wife. Unrestrained anger is dangerous and never helpful. Her seeing the depth of the anguish you are feeling is a different story. She NEEDS to see that her actions are causing immense hurt in you and that her actions ARE hurtful. Most WS's tell themselves that their spouse really "wouldn't care much" if they had an affair as a way to "rationalize" having an affair. But as with all affair related things, that's "fog" and not reality. Reality is what she needs to see.

It's a tough road to recovery, so don't be overly hard on yourself when you "make a mistake." We've all made our share and they are usually NOT fatal. Recovery is FULL of "two steps forward and one step backward" moments.

cardiac, you didn't fail anything at all. Did you expect a gold medal for causing trouble in the affair? Listen, what you are doing is causing trouble in paradise. You are squeezing them and causing tension in the affair. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!

And when you do that, you can expect FURY from your WS. She will threaten and punish you in order to MAKE YOU STOP. She will try anything to make you stop causing trouble in paradise. Your job is to NOT STOP. See, the fury will quickly wear off, but the tension will not!


ok, you realize that your marriage will NEVER recover if there is ANY contact, don't you? If you are focusing on keeping him in the picture and ending only "inappropriate" contact, then you are on a fool's mission. All - ANY - contact must end in order for your marriage to ever recover. They cannot withdraw from the addiction of the affair if they see each other EVER. Harley is so adamant about this, that he recommends moving to another STATE if necessary to end all contact.

Calling contact "professional" is nothing but a ruse to continue an affair. So, don't focus on "some" contact. Focus on NO contact. Don't settle for less unless you want to be dealing with this affair for the next 20 years. You will die a death of a thousand cuts if you settle for that.

p.s. you DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE!

CT,

I agree with the others that you did not make a mistake. It took courage for you to do what you did. Now you need to take a deep breath, and make a plan to take very good care of yourself as you settle in to save your marriage.

It's such a shock to the core of your being to deal with infidelity, anxiety and depression set up camp. Glad you're considering counseling with one of the Harleys. You will be guided with specific insightfulness in your situation.

In particular SH told me what NOT to do, until I learned what TO do. #1 on his list was "do no harm" - meaning "Love Busters". Until I learned how to make myself a safe place to be for my husband to be, I created additional conflict.

He will give you a starting place to know how to begin to deal with your situation, and help you with your mindset. Be sure you have a notebook and pen handy - you'll want to take notes.

Read in the basic concepts section about LB's and other specifics of Plan A in the meantime - and vent here.

When she gave me her ring back, I had to choke back the tears, but I said something like this:

Honey, I know right now you don't feel like wearing these, and giving them back to me is a strong message that I acknowledge and accept. However, I gave these to you, and they are forever yours, so if you don't want to wear them that's ok, but I would like you to keep them just in case in the future you'd like to put them back on you don't have to come to me for them. They'll be right where you want them to be, whether you wear them or not. I love you

is that about right?

oh and further Plan A stuff... last night didnt go abysmally badly now that I think about it. She allowed me to express to her that I had good intentions but had made a mistake in how I handled them... and she told me she still loves me etc.
Before she got home, she told me she was coming to our house because she didnt have anywhere else to go, but she is NOT coming home to me. So I went downstairs, changed the sheets and took the memory foam top off of our bed and put it on the bed she'd be sleeping in, I re-made the bed with fresh linens, tucked her favorite teddy bear in the bed, put her jammies and a love note with a hershey's kiss on the bed below the teddy bear, put a long stemmed rose, a scented candle and her birth control pills on the nightstand. I tried to make that room perfect!
This morning I got up early and went to the store, bought her some fruit and salad (she's dieting, so I'm trying to help by giving her healthy food) and a starbucks to help her wake up... gassed up and cleaned the windshield on her car and came back home... prepared her lunch, woke her with her starbucks and did everything I could to GIVE to her without being in her face about giving me anything back. I engaged her in a quick convo about replacing our couch, a plan we've had for a couple weeks, and she responded well so that gave me a HUGE amount of hope... she told me she loved me and went to work.
and here I am. Proud of myself, hoping and praying that Plan A works, feeling empty yet grateful for the help I've received here and the fact that the future is mine to define.

The pain is huge, but it felt wonderful giving to my wife today.

CT,

A couple of thoughts. Read all the basic concepts & the Q & A that are linked on the home page.

It will put you some foundation, and keep you int he right frame of mind. If you're really like to leap right in download the EN questionnaires and the LB questionnaires and fill them out for yourself.

Then fill out separate forms as though you were your wife. What this does, is put you in your wife's shoes - it's a good empathy exercise.

I think you're doing a good job with plan A - we call where you are a rollercoaster because it's filled with emotional highs and lows; it's normal, but can take you by surprise when you hit high highs & low lows.

What will help you is taking extra special care of yourself during this time. I've probably said this before - but it makes a huge difference.

Cardiac:

You did a GREAT job!!!! That is an A++ example of plan A.

Very Good Hon,

-Caren

well i understand your feelings. but you did thr right thing. when i found out about the affair i reacted instead of digesting and deciding what to do. that was a big mistake that has landed me here. at least she didn't pack a bag and leave. you still have the opp to plan a her. i am not really being given the chance continue the good work and try deep breathing and looking at all the angles before you react to anything. it is really helping me.