I will try to be brief and still get my question out.

I am having a little difficulty with one major problem.
I have been doing the plan A, although it kills me. I do not care about much at all, not even the M at this point still. But still give him lots of affection, attention, even SF (this is the worst at times).

Then the other side here, I am told I need to work on me. Now how in the heck do you do that when I am putting all of me into WH and my needs are not getting filled and he keeps draining them day by day?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Tammy

p.s.

Also a bad few days. Today is our 17th wedding anniversary...
He wished me a Happy Anniversary today??? Happy??? How?>
But of course I said none of that. I said thank you and same to you.

Tammy

Justempty -

You are very new in this, so good for you for sticking to Plan A. For one thing, you can have a time limit in your mind for how long you are going to do this. That should help a little. Plan A is not easy.

Working on yourself is also critical. In the end, that is the only thing you have control over. Also I tried to detach a little, and as someone here said, work on it like a project.

When you are not getting your needs met by your spouse, you can get very weak. That is why I always suggest taking good care of yourself. It helps raise your self-esteem, which is usually in the toilet. Also it gives you the sense of security that you CAN make it.

{{{{{Tammy}}}}}

"I am told I need to work on me. Now how in the heck do you do that when I am putting all of me into WH and my needs are not getting filled and he keeps draining them day by day?"

>The key to a good Plan A is knowing when to move to Plan B. I'm hoping you've read up on this already. Sorry I don't know your sitch yet (will read up on it later today). So, keep in mind that you need to move to Plan B before you get to the point where you feel like you're going to lose all your love and inclination to work things out. Now, back to your question ... how to work on you. Working on you doesn't necessarily mean filling your EN. It's how you can improve yourself as an individual. Meaning, do the things that will make you more independent, healthy, fit, happy and confident. I know these things are much easier said than done, esp. when you've got the burden of worrying about your M all the time. But, you must do these things for yourself. The result of all of this is 1) your WH will hopefully take note that you're becoming a better person. Most men are attracted to all of these attributes 2) regardless of the outcome of your M, you'll be better prepared for what comes your way and 3) you'll become a better person and feel better about yourself - not just as your WH's wife. Does that make sense? So, join a health club and lose 5 pounds. Take your kids out to the ballgame. Go out on the town with your girlfriends. Buy yourself some new clothes - even just a couple of new, sexy underwear can make someone feel more confident. Give it a try. Clean and organize your house. You'll be amazed at how empowering a "new you" can truly be. And, trust me, your WH will take notice. I know I did. Why do you think I have a "F" in front of WS??

Good luck and keep posting!

Ok,
Maybe I am more confused than I thought.
The A supposively ended 6 months ago, although I found out about it fully 5 weeks ago.

He holds true that there is NC. I have seen no proof of contact, but did not see the entire 13 month A either. He is still in the home wanting to make the M work. I am the nut, I cannot "get on with it" as he says. He tells me not to dwell on the past and he needs to get the OW out of his mind. When we have conversations, if the OW is mentioned, he gets ticked and tells me he just wants to forget about it. But he calls 2-3 times from work, is home on time, but was during the A also.

I do not believe anything he says. But I do keep filling his EN. He told me he is more in love with me now than ever. He is very happy and asked if I was. Do I lie to him?? I can not do this....I never have and will not. I asked him not to ask questions he does not want the answers to. Is this ok?
Tammy

Justempty -

Don't lie to him when he asks you if you are happy. Tell him the truth that you are extremely hurt. Now is the time to resolve issues. Just do it calmly.

WS's have the tendency to want to just sweep things under the rug, and pretend that everything is just fine.

There is a great book - "Torn Asunder" by Carder. In it, he talks about "the message of the affair". It is vital for your husband and you to figure out the message.

On MB, the thought is that some of WS's needs weren't being met. But Carder says there are all kinds of other possibilities - a reaction to a loss or death, unsolved family of origin issues, mid-life crisis, feeling of emptiness, and on and on.

Most WS's don't want to talk things out - they fear their spouse will leave them, will get hurt, angry, etc. Hopefully you can make it safe for him to talk to you.

I know it seems unfair, but the BS usually needs to take the lead in all of this.

Hi Tammy,

Are you in counseling? If not you most definitely should be.It's critical at this stage.If the A is truly over and your WH is at home trying to make a go of this,you need a professional PRO Marriage counselor with a PLAN.You can't wing it on your own and a classic statement that should warn you both that you need help is the WS saying things like ("Just get over it","Just get on with it", "I just want to forget it all"),etc,etc.You cannot do these things.This(A) was a major truama to you and your family.A WS will want to rush through it but it's just not possible for you nor healthy to try and do so.It's a process to work through it all on both sides.You cannot ignore the big elephant in the room,right? Also,we have yet to establish that the A is truly over.

In Plan A you can also work on yourself as well as try to fill needs for your WH just as you would in a healthy marriage ok? This means that it's a balance of using your time and energy between all your responsibilities.It's not about using all your time and feeling JUST for your WH,by all means no.You take time out to do things together that you both enjoy,you fill some of his needs but also take time for you to enjoy what YOU need: could be time alone,swiming,shopping,more affection,etc.Remember that your WH has a responsibility too to fill your needs since he claims the A is over.Have your done the ENQ yet?? Was NC letter ever sent?

O

Yes we did the ENQ twice, as he did not understand it the first time...

No NC letter sent as WH feels the NC letter will cause her to contact him or me again. And he states he cannot deal with that again.
She contacted me every time he tried to break it off with her. Which has been 4 times in a year. I was real stupid and thought it was a ticked off fired co-worker of mine. I am a Director of Nursing in a nursing home and do fire people from time to time. The last time was in Nov. when he states he last saw or talked to her. No calls from her since, just the call in May from one of her ex friends, telling me all the details and the OW name to confront with real proof to WH. That is when he confessed to me.

So I have honored his wish to not sending the NC letter because I do not want her to call again. It rubs in my face how stupid I truely was.

Tammy

Tammy, you are right where you are supposed to be in recovery. Adultery is an enormous traumatic shock right up there with losing a child. You are not going to get over this anytime soon.

I think your H is doing a good job in most areas EXCEPT he must understand that you are not going to "get over it" anytime soon. Ask him if he would say that to a mother whose son was just killed. "Get over it." Of course, he wouldn't.

Secondly, the way you "get over it" is to know all the truth. You must know what happened here in order to move forward. You must feel free to express your pain to him. And he must understand that. He must be willing to do what it takes to help you recover from the horrible damage he has done.

show him this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ID=#Post2684274

and show him this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2739000

"HE" cannot deal? What about what you, his victim, has to "deal with?" You did not ask for this, he did.

Tammy,

I agree that if the affair is not ongoing and was ended some time ago, that a NC letter might do more harm than good. Others might disagree, but it seems like water under the bridge to me.

Don't beat yourself up for being trusting. It is not stupid to believe the one you married would always look out for your best interests and not deliberately hurt you in any way. It is normal and healthy.

For 17 years your husband has given you good reason to trust him, no? That is why it took so long for you to "catch on" and it is very typical for the BSs on these boards to feel they were gullible and "stupid."

Now, look at my signature line. Two affairs, five years apart. Why? Because we didn't do the work to uncover why the affair took place the first time. We didn't learn anything from that experience that would prevent it from happening again.

You two have some work to do so your marriage can heal and be healthy and thriving again. Now that you've been meeting his needs and he sees that you want to stay married, it is time for you to start being honest with him about how you feel. He needs to do the work to learn about your needs, too, and fill them just as you are doing for him. It can't remain one-sided or the next person to have an affair will be YOU!

Does your husband like to read? Would he read Torn Asunder or other after the affair books? You need answers and he needs to do some work so he can answer them. Don't just let this go and assume it will go away. It won't.

~ Snow

Melody: I have a big problem with him telling me how hard this is for him....how much he is hurting...you need to get on with it and not dwell on the past....I want to LB him and say things like "you did it, not me" but I dont.
I just cannot handle a call from her right now. I know I would lose it. I am hanging onto a very thin thread and a call from her would break it at this point. Maybe not, but I live in fear everyday that he is still seeing her.

Snow: I have told him this once about not dealing with the WHY it happened. He keeps downplaying it and saying it was just for sex and common age stuff. I am 17 years younger than he is and we do not share alot of common anything.
He has been reading Surviving the Affair and did read the entire forums from here I printed for him...all of the forums. He reads slow and is not real motivated at times. That drives me nuts. I did look for torn asunder at waldenbooks but no copies there. I did buy surviving the affair today though. But I read them first because I read fast and am real motivated to read them.

I also would like to add a few things about WH.....
I am his 3rd wife. His first wife cheated on him with at least 4 different men, one was his best friend. He tells me it did not bother him that much, he was young and in the military and gone alot.

His 2nd marriage ended because he cheated on her. She did not want to work it out....he felt it was a late revenge thing...plus was an alcoholic when I met him. He stopped drinking while we were dating and has not drank since then.

Now I did not know these things when we married, but also he was engaged when I met him...I did not know this either...and he had just left the woman he cheated on his second wife with 3 weeks before we met.
Now I was 17 and he was 34. I had no idea of these things and only learned most of this in the past 5 weeks. We have been married for 17 years, and I wonder have I been so naive that he was doing this for the whole time? He was military for 10 of these 17 years, going away for 6 month detachments all the time. This runs amuck in my head all the time, along with the OW that I have learned about.

Now do you think he is a serial cheater??? Any help there would be appreciated.

He was my first and only sexual partner (willing, as I was SA/raped). I dated once in high school before him and that guy ended up being gay after!! True story...lol...

Tammy