Just wanted to make something clear since we seem to have several new folks who are becoming quite freaked at the angry response of their WS when they are exposed, confronted, etc. They are under the illusion that an angry response = failure. It is anything BUT. It is an expectation.

The WS will not give you a hug and a kiss for exposing them. You ain't going to get a medal. Your marriage will not be the A&E Chick Flick movie of the week the night after exposure. Your marriage will not be ready for prime time the day after you confront the OM. Your H will will not send you roses for exposing his affair. Your reward comes later when the affair is killed and recovery is made possible by your efforts.

Instead, expect fury, anger, poison, threats, punishment. Expect classic statements like:

"Now our marriage is really over. I was going to work on our marriage, but now I'm not."

"You are trying to control me."

"yada, yada, yada........"

WE HAVE HEARD IT ALL!!

It is a RUSE designed to frighten you into stopping your affair busting activities. When you threaten to take the crack pipe away from the crack addict, do you expect him to be happy and give you a reward? Do you think cockroaches like it when you come in and turn on the lights? Of course they don't. It is the same premise here.

See, this is the immediate response when you cause trouble in paradise. When you do these things, you are interfering with a powerful fantasy. They do not welcome these things.

All of the above approaches are part and parcel of a long term strategy designed to bust up an affair. Get that? Long term strategy. It is not a short term strategy designed to earn you the love and affection of your fogged out WS the next day.

If you think it is, you are going to be sorely disappointed. [as many on here are right now]

The key is to brace yourself for the anticipated fury and just understand that it is part of recovery process in ending an affair. Don't let their fury and anger scare you or divert you from your mission. It will all blow over.

You should be scared, instead, of the affair not ending. And if you don't do tough things like expose, confront, etc, then you really should be scared because the affair is likely to destroy your marriage. So when you feel scared, ask yourself what you fear more: some temporary anger or the loss of your marriage? It's your choice.

Yeah what Mel said.

Always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!

appropriate babble back to the Ws...

risky perhaps....

but dear I am confused I thought that since you two made eachother so happy you would want to share your happiness with others....

but dear I thought that is what you wanted..it IS what you have said.

I had no idea you didn't want people to know about your new love.....

I thought you would want your family to be happy for you

I thought thats exactly what you wanted...

but dear I have no plans in my life with having a third person involved in my marriage.....

etc...

good one mel....

ark

Thank you Melody for once again pointing out the obvious to me. (or as a friend of mine likes to say, "giving me a boot to the head")

Stop, I think we need to do a better job of pointing out the likely reaction to newcomers. They are in intense emotional distress and sometimes don't realize the anticipated reaction and are then caught by surprise. We just assume they will know the WS will be furious, but often they don't because its hard to think clearly when you are under assault!

Excellent primer, Mel. I attached a link to this on MicheleG's thread...

~ Snow

Thanks, Snow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel-

You're a wise chick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I wasn't remotely scared when I exposed. I had been gathering evidence for so long, it was liberating to finally have the damning piece of evidence, I was told that I was a loon for so long by my FWH that I was beginning to believe him, and when I got my evidence it was like "AH HA!!!!!!!!!I'm not crazy!!!", and YES my FWH was FURIOUS...but I expected that, and it was actually kinda fun to be getting his phone calls that day, when he's yelling and screaming at me, and I was just answering calmly...he couldn't fight with me, because I wouldn't fight, nor would I respond to his name calling....it made him nuts! He went into hyper paranoid mode, raced home from work in the middle of the day to check his phones for recording devices...LOL!! He apparently thought I had some kind of .007 *bug* in his phones, rather than a HUGE tape recorder hooked into an empty phone jack. (I'd removed it before I spilled the beans--duh...lol)

-Caren

Caren, you are a hoot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ml,

I think some of the confusion regarding exposure is knowing "when" to expose.

In SAA it says a 6 month time limit for plan a is about average for most couples. He goes on to say that during those six months, avoid doing anything that would upset the WS.

In reading about Jon & Sue's case, the 6 month time limit for plan A was never completed because Sue made the decision to leave Jon. At that point Jon continued with his plan, and went to plan B. It wasn't clear in the book when or if Jon exposed the affair.

I also didn't see anything in Basic Concepts about the timing of exposure.

Anyone else know from either reading Harley books, or from discussing with one of the Harley's?

CSue, I don't think timing is the issue, but rather, one of expectations. Many don't expect the angry response they get. However, exposure is part of Plan A. Harley has never counseled avoiding exposure in Plan A because the purpose of Plan A is to bust up the affair. As Harley once told one of our members, do everything short of taking out a billboard.

I also noticed that exposure wasn't mentioned in SAA.

My problem is that WH didn't explode at me when I exposed to OW's parents. He just stopped talking to me. I have no idea how successful that particular piece of exposure was (I'm not going to ask him about it!)

I'm hoping for more fireworks when exposure at work kicks in (hopefully early next week). Is it a bad sign, or not 'normal' if a WS doesn't explode at you - if they just seem sort of sad and disappointed and don't speak to you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, they all react differently so there is no way to tell. However, you can probably be assured that you are causing huge problems in the affair, and that is the goal.

It actually becomes a little addictive - exposure I mean.

I keep thinking: what else can I do to explode that affair?

Have to stop myself from just being vindictive! But how I'd LOVE to stand outside the gates of WH's and OW's school and hand out 'exposure' leaflets to kids and parents... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Calm now, calm...

Alph.

Down, girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh absolutely Melody! I for one was not prepared for the level of hostility I received from my WH. Oh, I knew he wouldn't be happy, but I didn't expect what I got.

Reading about what to expect would have been a good way to prepare for it.

And a few more words of comfort and support---

The difference between an active WS and a REDCOVERED WS is amazing. But it does take some time.

It honestly is as though they were taken over by alien forces!!

My H now,,years after Dday, is so sad and remorseful about his actions and comments during that time. He also finds it almost impossible that he could have ever been that cold and callous.

There IS hope!!

Uttlery agree with Melodylane and Nerlycrazy.

Squid was vicious in response but exposure killed her affair.

She was hateful to me for ages, but now she is warm in my bed waiting for me to hold her tight when I retire.

Go figure.... ;o)

Thanks, Mel, Nerly, b0b.

You guys are the best. We really need you.

I have the acid suit in the car. Just waiting for the right time.

Mel -

Don't forget to tell people to watch out for the OP. Remember Filly? After she exposed the affair, OW attacked her with a pool stick in the K-Mart parking lot. Her WH ended it immediately with OW, but poor Filly ended up in the hospital with broken face bones, and jaw.

So after exposure, be very cautious, just in case your WS has a crazy one on the line.