i've posted before..got a couple great responses and i appreciate the help, but right now i just don't know what to do or where to turn. My husband left us May 20 for a woman he had a relationship with 25 yrs ago when they were teenagers..they have a grown son together and he and i celebrated 21 yrs together just 5 days before he walked out. My husband and i have 4 kids ages 19-6 and we've struggled finacially for all 21 yrs, but we always had each other and our kids and that's all that mattered. We were deeply in love, hardly ever argued and like he always said..we were like two peas in a pod. Anytime the ex would ever contact us, it was for money..this woman had 3 kids by 3 different men, gave one to her mother to raise because she didn't want him and was constantly drinking and sleeping around, going from one man to another. November 17 my husband had a terrible car accident and had to have surgery on his leg which left him laid up for quite a while..all the while i took care of him and he'd always say "Your so good to me, nobody else would ever put up with me and take care of me like you do" and i was more than happy to do it..he's been my life since i was 19 yrs old. But of course since he was unable to work, the bills started piling up, things were gettting shut off and he was falling into a deep depression, became very moody..finally when he was able to get back up on his feet he'd try to go back to work but was having problems still with his leg so it was very difficult for him. One day not long ago..his ex stopped him at the gas station and said "i've heard you're getting a settlement from the accident and i want my share"..neither of us were shocked, that's how she's always been. Their relationship ended badly...both used to party alot and run around on each other..but of course they were both very young. But on Mon the 21st..he left..and didn't come home til very late, drunk. The next day he was very depressed..Thurs he left to go round up some money and was gone all day, came home and said he was going to the races with a friend..kissed me goodbye and didn't come home all night. Friday morning he came home and told me he had been with someone, that they had drove around all night talking and that they still had feelings for each other and he was leaving us. We were devastated!!! My two older kids freaked out and my son who's usually very reserved literally took off in my car to 'kill' this woman. Well..nobody got physically hurt, but my kids both ended up in jail and i was alone with my two younger ones for 3 days to try to cope with everything that had happened on that day. Everytime i tried to talk to him..he was very cold. I told him i knew things weren't going to work out between them..her own son stood in my yard talking to my daughter (they were good friends) telling her she was a whore, always has been, always will be, and that the reason she's keeping him around is because he promised her a car. Over the past few weeks he's been coming over to spend time with the kids and in reading Plan A..decided to try to get along with him..to tell him i'd alway be here if he needed to talk..and to let him know that i do still love him whether things work out or not. He started going to Mpls to work with a friend of his, 200 miles away, and would come back up here on weekends. I was happy that were actually getting along and were even able to laugh and talk..he even started giving me hugs before he'd leave. Then one night before he left, he hugged me like he didn't want to let go, i asked if he was ok and he said "Yeah, i just miss you" and he quickly turned and walked out. The next day, June 14, my two older kids were still asleep and my younger ones were at a summer program at school..i had to go somewhere and when i got back..he was here. I thought nothing of it because i knew he was leaving for Mpls and was there to say goodbye to the kids, but i was a bit surprised he was there that early knowing the kids were gone. I walked in said hi and started to clean up the kitchen. He came up behind me and turned me around and started to hug me. He kept doing that..i'd step away..he'd follow me and hug me again..pretty soon we were kissing and i let my guard down and we ended up in bed together. After, he was telling me they weren't getting along..all they did was drink and argue and that in the few weeks they had been together, they had only had sex twice and that's because she was drunk. My husband was never much of a drinker, we'd go out maybe twice a year..but the week he left us, that's all he did was drink, and everytime he'd come home from Mpls, he spent the weekends drinking. Alcohol had taken over my husband. He went to the Mpls that day, came home last weekend and got another arguement with the OW on Fri night..came here on Sat..got drunk Sat night and came here..and again, spent the night with me. Told me he loved me more than i'll ever know..the next day was Father's day and my oldest son's b-day..so he had dinner with us..but that was after he had left, drove to town and told her he had spent the night with me. She of course was very angry..well..after dinner..he left again..and that night, came back..drunk, told me he didn't know what he was doing, kept repeating that, that he was torn, confused..that she didn't want him back. My reaction was "What do you mean she doesn't want you back? Did you go back and beg her to take you back?"...he just kept asking "what do you want me to say?"..i wanted the truth..finally he said "Fine..i went to see if she'd take me back"...Once again..my heart had been ripped out and i started to cry..told him to leave. He went to Mpls the next day..we talked on the phone a couple times..Wed we talked, and i asked if he'd heard from her, he said nope!..Thurs he called, and i told him my car was broke down, he informed me he'd look at it when he got back, then started stumbling over his words saying he didn't know how was going to fix my car because he wasn't allowed here anymore, that floored me...apparently he called and talked to her again, and she told him he wasn't allowed over here anymore, that if he was going to see his kids, he'd have to come and pick them up and leave. i flipped out, told him there was no way she was going to lay down any rules when it came to my children. Yesterday he showed up, wouldn't come in the house and told me he was here the pick up the kids..i told him if he wanted to visit with them, he'd have to do it here, he wasn't to be trusted, then he did the unthinkable..he got in his car and left, my kids cried for an hour. Maybe i was wrong, but i wasn't going to let them run our lives and go by her rules. I told him he'd better set her straight and fast. My 11 yr old believes his leaving last night meant he chose her over them, and it devestated him. I just can't take anymore..i don't know what to do..he's talking divorce now..why is he doing this to us??? Loving me one day..and going back to her and being a jerk the next?? PLEASE tell me what to do..i'm so lost, sometimes i just want to go to sleep and not wake up

LostinMN,

First of all, (((((((HUGS)))))))). What you are going through is a traumatic, life-changing event and you need hugs from those who understand to help get you through. Consider yourself majorly cyber-hugged!

Your WH is being the classic cake-eater. He's done enough damage to think that you'll never really be able to get over it, and now he thinks he "owes" something to OW, too, because he's made promises to her that he shouldn't have made. He's got make a choice and we want him to choose you.

So, what is the plan?

A good way to protect yourself is to take on a new frame of mind. Your goal is to save your marriage and family, and protect yourself and your kids from further harm.

OW has nothing whatsoever to do with any decision you make. She is a non-entity. She isn't even in the equation.

For example, husband lets himself back into the house. You ask for his keys. "It troubles the kids and I so much when you just stop in to say hi. Please do not come around unless we know you are coming. We want you home, but not just for a few minutes."

Or down the road he wants SF. "WH, there is nothing I want more than to make love with you, my husband, who I still dearly love. But I just can't put myself through that again. It makes me feel cheap, like I AM THE OW, and I fear for my physical health. I want to make love to you, but not under these circumstances."

See what I mean? You put up your boundaries that stress you want your husband and your marriage, but you and the kids have feelings that you must protect, too. OW is not a part of the discussion. He's her problem, not yours. You are not in competition with her.

I hope this helps.

~ Snow

Thank you Snow for your encouragement and support. He told me yesterday that i just wanted something i couldn't have, and in my anger i told him "I sure had you last weekend didn't i?"..Seeing that she took him back, they'll both be on their best behavior i'm sure...at least for this weekend. Sooner or later, and i believe sooner, one of them is going to mess up. He sat here and told me last weekend when they were fighting that i was right, that they wouldn't last, but then what does he do? he just goes running back. I just don't know what to do..how typical is it that a man goes running back to his ex that he had 20 something yrs ago..and what are the odds it could actually last?? I've never been with another man in 21 yrs, i've been with him since i was 19 yrs old. i just don't know where to go from here is all

Lost -

Please calm down. Your marriage is very salvagable, but you need to develop a plan. Start with Plan A. Lose the anger, and look at this like a project.

His relationship with her has zero chance. The average extramarital affair has about a 3% chance of working out. Given their history, I suspect this will end soon.

Also your husband is being truthful with you. That is very unusual too. I think all of this cr*p is a reaction to being injured. Hang in there, and don't give up.

i decided to sit down and write him a letter telling him everything i was feeling, what i was going through and what the kids were going through. I did this because i don't believe he actually realizes what he's putting us through. And when i'd try to talk to him about it, it's like he didn't want to hear it, would start to get defensive or i would get very emotional. When he came over yesterday, after he had left so angry at me the day before, i left the letter in my car (he came over to fix it)..i saw him standing out there reading it, then put it in his duffle bag..when he came in, he was over being mad and he and i got along again. Finally i think he was forced to actually "get" it. And before he left he asked to talk to me outside, he apologized, told me he told the OW that he was going to see his kids no matter what, that they came first, and also apologized for everything that had happened the weekend before, said it shouldn't have happened, i told him he was probably right, but that it did happen, and i believed it happened for a reason, that reason being that he did still love me, but, that i also needed to try to move on. He and OW agreed to stop drinking and i know he didn't drink this weekend, which also kind of has me worried because he's now thinking with a clear head so to speak, and he's still with her. Not even sure i can attribute any of this to the alcohol anymore..but..it's only one weekend..guess time will tell if they're actually in love or not..it just still hurts soooo much

Hon, he is not thinking with a clear head - he is still thinking like an addict. Stick with Plan A, with no LB's or anger.

It may take him awhile to figure this out.

And forget about the "in love" part. I can promise you this is just another sleazy affair.

i've read plan A and B..it's been 5 weeks now since he walked out..how do i know if plan A is working and when it's time to move on to plan B?..Plan B i noticed calls for no contact with the WS til the affair has ended..is that possible when there are children involved?

UGHH...i've had it..i'm SOOOO angry..he's been back around for 5 days now..and has seen the kids for and hour and a half total..he promised them he'd be here yesterday to see them, never showed up..and my car's been broken down for the past two days. Those little boys sat outside almost all day waiting for him and watching down the steet for his car. What p*sses me off is he spends a couple hours with them, but how many with her when he's up here..and when he's in Mpls working..doesn't call the kids to say hi, how ya doin...but will bet my life he calls her 2 or 3 times a day...He's SUPPOSE to be stoppin in later, so i've heard..and i'm this close to telling him never to come back, that it's obvious that she's more important than his family. I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!

Lost - Plan A often takes several months to work. Usually the WS notices, but doesn't respond. But a solid Plan A is absolutely crucial, before Plan B.

Please post on general questions so you will get more input.

Speak calmly to your husband, and ask him not to make anymore promises to your boys. Then go on living like a happy family without him.

Your husband is addicted, so treat him like a project. Pretend you are dealing with a herion addict.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My boy's dad promised him a new bike for Christmas when he was 5. Everyday my son waited for the bike to show up. I finally bought the bike on Christmas Eve, and told him it was from his dad. I couldn't stand for him to be disappointed.

That was 20 years ago. My 2 sons have grown up to be fine young men. But I quit focusing on their father years ago, and did what I could do for us to have a happy family.

i just don't know if i can wait several months..it's too hard on me and my kids. But, when he comes, or IF he comes over today to fix my car, i'll try to remain calm, but mostly because he left us here with absolutely nothing. I haven't worked for a few yrs because he and i agreed to be home with the kids, so at the moment i have to rely on him for everything, the job market in this area isn't good, and he left me with a thousand dollar phone bill among other bills and two cars in the driveway that won't run. That's why i asked him to help me and my kids to move back to Mpls, so myself and my two oldest could look for work. I'm just soooo tired of my little one's crying and wondering why he doesn't come see them

Is there any kind of state aid you can get until your husband gets his head out of his you know what?

You are not in a very good position since you rely on him financially. Try to think of a way to force him to support you and the family.

yeah..and i did sign up...but..it covers rent and some of the grocery bill..that's about it..he's been doing what he can to get money to pay what bills he can, but at the same time..she's been complaining to him about it..b*tchin cuz he gives us most of his money etc..

Lost - that is very good. It will drive a big wedge between them. I can tell you right now, their relationship won't last.

Somehow, you need to hang in there and do a good Plan A.

i know believer..it's just soooo hard..especially when everyone, including my self tells him what she's like and that eventually she'll end up dumping him...(his family, and even her own children tell him that)..and his only reaction is.."well i guess i'll take my chances"..i'm just wondering if it's too late..that the longer he stays with her, the deeper 'inlove' he'll become.

Stop telling him what she is like - that will just make him cling to her more. Right now he probably feels like he needs to save face, and stick with her.

I would continue Plan A. Do the very best you can to take care of your family and home. When you talk to him, let him know that you don't want a divorce, but you are not his jailer, and can't keep him against his will.

Being calm will let him know that he CAN come back to his family.

i know i should just let it take it's course..but it's SOOOO hard!!..I've told him i want to take the kids and move back to Mpls so i can find a job and the kids and i can move on with our lives..but..it's next to impossible without his help financially. He keeps saying he'll look for a place down there for us, but hasn't yet, like he's dragging his feet..Personally i believe he WANTS us to rely on him, even though he insists he's not coming back to us. Past couple of days he's been here, he always comes and hugs me before he leaves but said the other day he doesn't want to lead me on..he's just confusing me and i'm not sure how to react..calls me hon still..it's almost like he's trying to keep me hopeful..like it's a game you know?

Oh, Lost, they all say the same thing. They don't want to lead you on, blah, blah, blah. I don't think he is playing a game, I think he has made a HUGE mistake, and doesn't quite realize it yet. He thinks he's "in love" (YUCK) with OW. But that will probably end very quickly.

In the meantime, try to keep your family as safe as possible. Make your home a warm and welcoming place. Stay in Plan A. He doesn't have a plan at all and is lost. You need to show him the way home.

Well...things have been hard the past few days. He finally showed up at the house and while he was here, the power company shut us off..i lost it!!..we ended up arguing..me, him and my 19 yr old daughter..he tried telling me part of the reason we were so far behind on our bills is because i didn't work the whole time he was laid up (he didn't want me to at the time) then went as far as to say my daughter was also partly at fault because she had a job and quit and she could have kept her job and helped out, how low can you go?? My kids and me ended up here overnight with no electricity..THANK GOD my father-in-law stepped in and paid the bill and had it turned back on. My husband's grandfather passed away and his funeral was on Friday. My husband came over that day to pick us up for it, and while i was getting ready came into the bedroom and started telling me how he's still very attracted to me and said he still thought i was very beautiful. Then hugged me and kissed me. We got along great that day..for some reason he started telling me that she was extrememly jealous of me, that she didn't want him coming over cuz she thought we'd jump into bed together and that he was getting tired of sitting at the bar every night (she's a bartender)..they basically have to babysit each other because they can't trust each other..all i said is "kind of sad that you two can't trust each other"..and he told me "how can she when i can't trust myself"..He promised my boys he'd be out to see them yesterday, but again..didn't show up and they were heartbroken. He has a son by this woman, who's 24 yrs old and has a family. My husband hasn't seen him for Years..found out this son came up for a visit yesterday, he lives in another state, and now i'm afraid he's going to put our own kids on the backburner so he can get to know Jaimie..and believe me, i totally understand his wanting to get to know his son, but i'm not sure how to handle this situation. IF he shows up today, and with his track record lately, i'm not sure if he will..i know i need to sit down and talk to him calmly. He hasn't been back down to Mpls in over a week to work so he's basically left us with no money, no car and no way to get ahold of him. How do i talk to him about these issues without sounding like i'm nagging him?

I don't think you can count on him for ANYTHING right now. He sounds like he is a mess. I would try to protect myself financially. Can you file for a separation in your state?

I think you did the right thing about not letting him take the kids and making him visit at your house. I am pretty much a newly-wed so I can't really offer much advice... but my heart goes out to you.