Me and my wife have had problems for about a year as I have been emotionally withdrawn from her due to my own worries and things going on with school and my career. While she has been thoughtful of my needs, I have failed to reciprocate due to my interest in wanting to escape from my stress at work by being a virtual hermit. She also liked doing little things for me to change the day-to-day routine of life. She was wanting to wait and talk with a marriage counselor to air her thoughts on April 1 but was so into my schoolwork I told her I didn’t want to start till the end of the semester.

She had an EA with a co-worker for 8 months which ended in December, although I still think she may have feelings toward him still. In March she made out with a fellow London based team member in London and has kept up with him via email and chat which ended in May. Although when she divulged this information she stated that she had started to having feelings for him, she says she has since limited communication (they still our on the same team except he lives in London).

We separated June 11. She lives 30 miles from me close to her work. I'm not sure if she is having an affair. I really don't think so, but of course you never know. An EA is probably more possible with the guy in London. We started marriage counseling on June 15. I thought it went well, we kissed, hugged, and held hands afterwards. The counseling went well except that she said that she felt “indifferent” towards me and was worried about this feeling This really depressed me. She says she wants a separation so that she can spend time alone and have certain days during the week where we can go out, however, I have only seen her at the marriage counselor and she has been hesitant in wanting to schedule any other time with me. She still talks about the future and working on the house etc. and we hired a maid service to do cleaning. We maintain decent communication. She we usually chat on MSN and text message each other. I would say she either calls me or I call her everyday. Some days I do not here from her though.

I made her dinner Sunday June 19, she came over to the house for a couple of hours but it was uncomfortable for both of us. Although we kissed and hugged, she later told me she felt a layer of sadness about everything. We also went out this Friday, June 24. We went out to dinner. During the meal she said she felt uncomfortable about it and it was. I tried to be funny and confident. She explained that she was tired and exhausted because she had been on the lake with her co-workers all day at a company outing. I don't doubt this as she did have to travel 1.5 hours each way to get to the lake and she jet skied and went tubing. We went and looked at golf shoes, her new hobby, and went back to the house. We sat on the couch together and she put her head on my shoulder which was nice.

However, as she was leaving I guessed I kissed her too long and she backed away from me. Maybe I came on to strong for what she wanted. We left on good terms and she text messaged me saying that she enjoyed the dinner. Our consoulor gave us some questions regarding communication that we are to go over Sunday. She doesn't like dealing with the "heavy" stuff and we were supposed to do it Friday, but she just wanted to have a good time.

I've read Dr. Harley's books. She seeks affection and admiration. She is learning golf so she came keep up with the guy co-workers. She is very insecure but extremely smart and wants to prove herself to everyone that she is the best. She strives to be the center of attention all the time especially with males.

I've been working on myself alot and am trying to go back to the man that she married. My viewpoint is that we are dating, and I need to make myself feel that I am desirable. I work out at the gym, go tanning, keep the house clean (she even remarked about it), and have starting hanging up pictures in the house. I like to decorate but never did it while we were married. Her pet peave was that the walls were bare and sterile. I think I might have been reactionary after she seperated as I framed a bunch of photographs and pictures of artwork, us, our friends, etc and put them on the walls. It looks good but maybe I overdid it? I want to make the house homey even though she might view it as a ploy. I was going to by a painting this weekend and stick it above the TV, but again I'm afraid that she may think that I'm just doing it because of her?

I also want to start buying more clothes for myself. I want to implement Plan A, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. For instance, I sent her a text message this morning saying "morning beautiful hope you have a pleasant day, I love you". Is this something I need to stop doing or just be consisten with? Will too much change, redecoration, etc. be counterproductive and be seen as a ploy or is this in fact the way to go? Does Plan A call for her to initiate all the communication? Any other tips?

T,

It's much tougher to plan A from a distance since your wife has moved out.

I hate to say it, but it sure sounds to me like she is having an affair. Someone in addition to you is meeting her ENs. Especially since she has a history of EAs.

A really great book that the Harley's recommend that deals in depth with co-worker affairs is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

I'm glad to hear you're in MC. I've been in recovery with my husband for over 3 years, but before d-day we were in MC while his affair was on-going and it NEVER came out.

Our MC didn't know and I didn't know. It was a part of the deception.

Have you considered coaching with one of the Harley's?

I'm just not sure where to go from here:

Do I ask her if she is having an affair before I start Plan A?
I was going to have her fill out the ENQ forms to see if that helps. Do I continue to change and redecorate things around the house etc, or would she interpret this as just trying to win her back? Do I continue to tell her "I love you" and send an email to her every once in awhile?

So far I've been really upbeat and confident around her. I haven't pressured her at all since she's moved out.

tim, it sounds like she is having an affair; all the earmarks are there. Hopefully we are wrong about that, but your first order of business is to find out if it is true so you will know what you are dealing with. I wouldn't suggest asking her about it, because she will just deny it. I would suggest hiring a P.I. or following her yourself. Once you find out what is going on here, we can help you proceed.

In the meantime, I would just stick to Plan A, meaning no lovebusters and looking for every opportunity to meet her needs. Don't pursue her or try to educate her. Tell her you love her if it doesn't push her away, but I suspect it will at this point. She is detached, for some reason, and likely doesn't want to hear that.