So My H and I finally had the talk about what really is bothering him. He says that I'm not a happy person and lack that zest for life. I don't have a fire in me that shows I can do anything in this world and I act miserable all the time. He feels unattracted to me because I lack self-confidence and also because I'm over-weight, though recently I lost 35 lbs. But he feels he can look past that if I just had confidence, drive, and went after what I want. He just wants to be with a happy person who is fun to be around. He says I'm dead inside and he's starting to feel that way about our M. And he knows this is what led him to a emotional affair in the past.

And he's right, I hate the life I'm living and its wearing me down. I have let myself be lost to everyone else's needs and don't do anything for myself (that was something he said also, that he wants me to be more selfish and don't do everthing for him and the kids.) I have been alone with no help taking care of the kids all day with no relief, for 6 years. I'm supposed to adore my kids and do everthing in the world for them, but I do find anything to do at home to distance myself from them. I have alot of resentment towards them because I feel I'm trapped in a life of misery. Tons of guilt piled ontop of that for feeling this way about them too. I have been stripped of my identity and energy because they take so much out of me, and then whats left for my husband? Not much but a broken down, lifeless person he doesn't know anymore. I have neglected myself for to long and my H has opened my eyes that if I don't take care of myself, than how can I be happy with him and my family.

I have already taken steps to make a change in my life-
looking for a job, going to do daycare for kids, H is willing to do MC, activly tring to find PM babysitter for us to go out (having alot of trouble finding anyone)and somthing I have been wanting to do for about 8 years now is plastic surgery

Now I know it seems like a bad time but, most of my unhappyness stems from me being overweight which I have delt with most of my life. Right now I'm about 40lbs heavier than when we married, though the most was about 80lbs. It has always been a source of insecurity and depression for me, it drains everything out of you feeling this way about yourself. I need to do something for ME and this is a way of making a big change to turn my outlook around.

I should have done something sooner and have neglected myself and my H in the process. My only problem is that I'm done cring about how my H feels and I have started a new day and I'm excited about whats to come. My H on the other hand is still stuck in the past and is still distant, I know he feels that I'm just doing it for him so that he won't leave. He really wants me to be true to myself and not act a certain way for his benefit. But he is bringing my new found hope down by acting quiet and withdrawn.

How do I get him to be excited about all the changes I'm doing for myself. Right now I'm tring to act light hearted and happy, looking foward to getting a job and talking to adults. Making new friends and being more productive, spending time away from the kids so that I appreciate them more when we are together. I just can't get any feeling of hopefullness from him, like he already has quit. He has said what if I do all these things and nothing changes, he has already pegged us to fail it seems.

Now I'm at the point that I don't care how he reacts and I'm just going to be happy about my new oppertunities and then maybe he will follow suit. I'm still tring to fill his ENs as much as he will allow and watching that I don't provide him with any LBs. I just wish he was as motivated as me and I know part of that is because he has felt this way for so long, you just don't change overnight.

thanyou for letting me rant

Sounds like you are on exactly the right path. Take care of yourself. Too many women take care of everyone else except themselves. Start right now on your new path. You will feel so much better.

And forget feeling guilty - you deserve a life too.

Thanks for the reply, I have already taken alot of steps to make myself a happier person. I'm doing all the things that used to make feel good and its amazing how many people want to help me out with the kids when you really try.

Thanks to all for posting

I am a guy, and so you will have to take what I am about so say with a grain of salt. BUt, I think what you need to do is in fact take better care of yourself, but what does that mean to a guy? Well, it can mean you dress better, get your hair styled, get nice shoes, keep losing the weight (35 lbs is impressive), but mostly take great pride in how you look.

As your pride in yourself grows, your H's interest in you will grow as well. Further, if you decide to get a job, it will help there. Also realize that the children do NOT need all of your time. They can in fact do more than you realize. But, start to develop a "style" for you, that means clothes, appearance, exercise, perhaps a job, joining a reading club, whatever, but as you do these things YOU will be happier with yourself, and that will make your H happy.

Here is a tip for you that you may not realize. Your H takes your happiness personally. Most of us guys are raised to judge how good a job we are doing by how happy our W's seem. So take his comments to heart but realize what HE feels is not your failing him, but him failing you.

Keep that in mind.

God Bless,

JL

Thankyou for the insight, I never looked at it that way and I see what you mean. And thats probably why he has kept his feelings inside all this time too.

Guce