OK, I'm freaking out so I'm skipping the usual update stuff and diving straight into today's quandary.

Phil sent me a letter last night. The first part of the letter was full of him talking about all the great memories he has of the life we shared together and all of the good times he is thinking about and how much he has been thinking of me. Nostalgic, romantic, even referred to a steamy bit of lovemaking. Personal to us alone.

The last part of the letter are some hints at possible conversation topics and a passive line to see if I will invite him to share a meal with me - it's VERY passive - made me feel like he wanted to gauge my interest, my openness - see if I would ask HIM to dinner. He didn't ask me. But some slight flirt connotations (for Phil anyway) and his comment was personal, to us alone. Not shared with OW or even friends.

The middle of the letter said this:

• Sorry folks - deleted to cover my bootie. ;-)

What is my next move? How do I respond? Nothing was offered. He is not saying he will meet any needs. But if this is an opening, I don't want to blow it. Advice from FWSs would be greatly appreciated. And per my usual -- Advice and support from anyone FWS, BS DWs... :-) Those are always much appreciated too!

I am going to need specifics. Remember -- I can be a real dunce about this stuff. Not good at game-playing or girly stuff but I am very willing to learn and learn FAST!

Thanks all in advance,
Sally

Sally, since you are in plan A still why not have dinner with him? Then you can get a true feeling of where his head is. Go slow and be casual but warm, KWIM?

ok I'm thinking & its late here 3 am so ........


It would indicate he is reconsidering his current lifestyle BUT he does not say anything about his cheating. Glossing over or wants to keep it 'separate' I guess is too early to tell.

As you were not in Plan B that I know of then I guess you are in the Plan a or plan as it happens.

That being the case then I say make the dinner date or whatever BUT do not sound too enthusiastic I feel you still need to be in the Life goes on without Phil attitude.

I pretty sure your casual talk of going on holidays with friends and his constant return to 'who' this friend or friends are trigggered his sudden deep breath.

I believe you were right and that hes been cake eating and now he sees you moving on hes in a panic. I think he believed you would always be there for him when he was 'finished' with his roaming.

Listen to what he says & ask some hard questions about what he intends to do. You need to play it cool and collected. My sense is that if he senses any weakening on your part he may just continue as he has lately. Hes on the edge teetering but how close is yet unknown.

Plan for this meeting. That means plan worse case, middle case and best case.
Have responses ready for each one.

This means if he is just playing you have your response ready for him.. terse or strong as the case requires.
If its more middle case, he thinking along the lines of reconciliation see what en's you can meet, what things you want from him what are those things he needs and what are yours that will allow him to come over into your corner.
Again prepare and have responses to what you think he could come up with or ask of you & vice versa
If its best case, he wants to reconcile then you need to make your boundaries very clear. This is where he actually asks to come home and be with you.
Have in your mind what you will accept, what he has to do. In return have also what you can do for him in the EN field.


Now I would not be getting too excited yet. I feel hes in the near to middle case, but very jumpy, skittish.
I suggest you are direct but NOT too forward or pushy, give him an eyeful of the strong moving on woman who MAY consider accepting him on conditions. Let him know all that hes missing.
Sal I think you need to be pretty cold blooded about this or he'll play you if he thinks you are too eager. An attitude of slightly surprised interest might be best. And let him do lots of talking. When he gets vague try to bring it back to solid undertakings ..... like ' that sounds ok but what will you actually do' etc etc
You may have to have a few meetings until you see where hes going with it all, the fog may still be thick.

ok I need to sleep at last but hope you get lots of great advice ..I'lll check in tomorrow ...your evening time & see how you are going ,,nite Sal.

Sally -

Words mean nothing, sorry. I would ignore everything he says. I have a whole drawer full of letters like this from WH. He is still living with OW.

I think it means that Phil IS having second thoughts, but that is all they are - thoughts. I would play it very, very cool.

Cool, yes, but not ice cold. He sounds rather fragile and tentative in his efforts, like he is living in terror of your abrupt dismissal. (Not that he wouldn't deserve that, but. . . ) Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of letting him think you've moved on! Just take utmost care not to do too good of a job and frighten him off completely, unless that's your intention of course.

Wouldn't hurt to keep him tutto frastornato, either!

slh

What he wrote means nothing. He even comes right out and says he doesn't mean to mess withyour head but that is exactly what he is doing.

He is saying, don't have hope.... I just had to get this off my chest.

At least that is my take on it. Stay your course.

~Snow

It would seem like I've been a cool customer but instead, I went in the opposite direction. Basically I hit (what I hope was) bottom of the Phil pit of despair. This was about a month ago.

Everyone here yelled for Plan B and I couldn't do it. NCWalker gave me a really tiny piece of advice and I took to heart. It was and is the HARDEST thing I've done yet; and the easiest at the same time.

The advice was to treat Phil, talk with Phil, regard Phil EXACTLY the way I would with all of you. Not "be yourself" the way Phil got used to, but be myself -- MY SELF -- the me that always was and still IS, whether Phil likes it or not, wants it or not.

So actually I haven't been cool at all. I've been WARM. I've been friendly. I have treated him EXACTLY the way I would treat anybody else. So I'm guessing that makes Phil feel more and less special as a human than he's felt in a long time. :-)

Snow and Believer, my take on this (when calm) is the same as yours BUT I've never known a man more meant for me than Phil. That hasn't changed. The love I feel for him hasn't changed. If I have new choices available, I want to make sure I consider them.

That consideration can stay right here with us. I have a whole loving community here to help me that Phil doesn't have. This time if there really is a chance, I want to be prepared like aussie said -- prepared for every contingency. I wasn't prepared when Phil walked away from me. I want to be prepared if he wants to walk with me again.

Fair?
Sally

Good job, Sally.

{{{FF}}}

It seems like there are not enough words to give thanks to some. You have been among that wide and wonderful core of people that have held me up and REFUSED to let me fall since I wandered over here *ulp* two and half months ago.

I'm still listening and learning to everything that is put before me. Please don't stop with the praise OR the criticism. How else would I know to try to do differently?

Thank you!
Sal

Sally, my two cents...if you are not in Plan B then why not?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Why not open the door a nudge and see what happens. He does seem to be reaching out and I *completely* understand you not wanting to miss an opportunity!

What others said here...that only seems to apply if this were a Plan B, closing him out until he comes around...Plan A is about love and tenderness... not about turning a cold heart to a potential cry for help.

Play it close though, watch what he does as much as what he says. You are on the right track and I applaud you for sticking this out... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good Luck!

Thanks all for this so far. The opinions are that Phil is just feeling a slight case of nostalgia? Possibly he feels more but not likely? FWSs -- can you lend your expertise??

I have four days - Max. to get my preparations for dealing with Phil together.

Phil will be coming over before he leaves on holiday. That is four days away. Not much time to hammer all of this stuff out. I'm not even sure what my questions for A2's scenarios are... should be?

I just know I don't want to get played! If this is a slight opening I want to take my time and get it right. I don't want to rush and blow everything... Between us here on the boards that is. Phil get's to see only strong, confident Sally.

You all don't mind that I'm practically peeing my pants do ya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So I mean it, what do I say to him? I actually don't know what to say. Can we talk some of these scenarios out?

Sal

OK, my four days are down to no days...

Just after I posted I lost all Internet connex. BUT I've been thinking there are worse things. Now I have a truthful reason for not returning Phil's mail - should he care?

SO now that I'm up (and I don't know for how long...) how should I formulate my response? I like aussie's suggestion of registering surprise. I'd like to sound friendly without sounding like I expect anything or even want anything, which of course I DO! :-)

Could anyone help with possible scenarios? I will do better if I have something to practice with BEFORE we are in contact. He always manages to surprise me with something... what should my response be if he is cold? What if ihe isn't cold? I mean specifically, what would be good statements for me to make or questions for me to ask?

Thanks all!
Talk about withdrawal! No internet! Eeeeek!

Sally

OK, I know you're all busy but I need feedback -- I just don't trust myself enough yet. If this is the beginning of a turning point, I want to get it right....

So here's is what I'm sending Phil so far.... names and places removed of course...

• Also deleted for bootie preservation - sorreeee. Sal

So thoughts, criticisms...? Just lay 'em on me! :-)

Sally A.

Sally - Sounds fine to me.

I think it's great. I particularly liked this:


Sounds like you're moving on without him. That should make him think. Good stuff. Just MVHO - not worth more than $.50 LOL

Prayers and good wishes for you, Sal.

Deep breath. The abridged, but still long, story of last night. Here goes....

Phil returned from his holiday last night. He called from the airport. The he called again from the taxicab. He said he was glad to hear my voice and I said the same. After a day of anticipating because I didn't know when his flight got in (and really, all through the week not knowing what to expect) he was finally home.

I jumped on him before he was up the steps and he dropped two bags. We hugged and he even kissed me (just plain hello kisses, not the real deal). Then he came inside and we hugged again and stayed near. Perp and Squirt jumped around and he rolled with them some. Then he let me stand on the sofa and jump on him some more (well, he's much taller than I am). I was glad to see him. I told him I was glad he got home safely. He was glad to be home.

The air was only slightly heavy with knowing he wasn't home to stay, that things were different now from other homecomings, we both seemed aware, and it seemed we both pushed it away. Phil showed me pictures of his trip until the battery in the camera died... We didn't sit this whole time. He stood and held the camera so that I could see, keeping us very close physically. I didn't lean into him the way I might have done before but it was nice to be so aware of his arms around me and... not.

When the camera battery went, I started to say that I didn't know if he would be hungry. Phil interrupted and said he wasn’t much hungry but he could go for a pint. I said great! And said I got him a gift of sorts. He said he didn’t get me anything and then amended that quickly to say that he didn’t get anyone anything and then amended that to say that he would have a gift for me waiting when I came home from my trip… that we’d have to have our gift exchanging at the end of my trip this time.

Then he asked what his gift was and I told him it wasn’t exactly a gift, only that I’d gone to [one of his favorite restaurants] and gotten [his favorite meal] to go and his eyes lit up. He said he’d been thinking about that on the flight over but put it out of his head because he knew there wouldn’t be any seating by the time he got home. I told him it was all packed up for him to take home and he could eat it there… He seemed genuinely touched and surprised. He suggested we still go to the pub so I said I was ready and let’s go. :-)

We walked out the door. He asked would I drive and I said sure (very different from old times already) and as he went to put some of his bags in his car, he noticed that his car had stuff in it. He asked, What’s all that stuff in my car? in a surprised way but not at all hostile or accusing. I said I packed some things up for him while he was away, a family quilt, some books, a small bookcase, a wine rack, the rest of the silverware since it didn’t make sense to me that neither of us should have a full set….

All had been said at this point with the same tone of voice I would use talking to any girlfriend. The food, the packed stuff, the pictures, the everything – but the hugs and kisses. All exactly as I would talk to workmates or any of you… I was friendly and happy and not serious and very much without expectation. Just the facts ma’am.

The look on Phil’s face at the car packed up – it wasn’t hurt. It was sad bordering on anguished. He was surprised. He recovered a little by talking about how yeah, he thought it was a little strange that neither of us had a full set of silverware. He thanked me for packing up all the stuff I did when he left five months ago… I said no problem. Then he stopped walking toward the car and asked, “Wait a minute, what are you going to use for silverware then?” It’s small potatoes folks, but he stopped to consider ME. I said I’d get something else. I said I’d figure it out.

We got to my car and got in and he just got in. No complaints about the dog smell. No complaints about the dog hair. No complaints. I promptly turned the radio off (I’m always on sports radio) and explained, smiling, that our team had let us down badly and I didn’t want to listen to that anymore… We talked about sports. We talked about the weather we talked about I don’t remember what for the whole five minute drive to the pub. (In nice weather we’d have walked.)

Phil remarked on the changes of our (now MY) little neighborhood pub – the expansion, all the flowers, we went to go for the bar and there were no seats. Not wanting to have a big meal, we sat on the very small loveseat in the corner. Fate was good to Sally last night! The barmaid came over (young, blonde, levelheaded and stacked – fate could have been a little better to Sally.) He ordered his drink. I ordered something lighter. He switched his order to the same as mine.

We looked over the menu. I already had said I wanted onion rings so I was decided. Phil liked the look of the steak salad but said he didn’t want a big meal. I offered to share since I am trying to eat meat once every week or so. Phil said NO WAY! with a chuckle but with some concern too. It was weird. He said I’m not going to be responsible for you eating meat. It’s not good for you and it’s not important. I said I wasn’t vegetarian anymore and it was probably good for me to eat meat every once every week or two and not to worry, I do try to be healthy.

So with beer on the table and food on the way, from nowhere, Phil started asking about my upcoming trip. We still could have been talking about his trip! But he wanted to know when I was leaving and where I was staying and asked whom I was going with again… I told him I didn’t know all the details yet. He said well tell me what you know. So I gabbed a little and felt comfortable enough to throw him the first real bone: I said I expected to have a good time but probably it would be a little strange without him there.

Phil said I didn’t know the half of it. Said it would be overwhelming. He started talking and for the next few hours he – we – talked (mostly) truths. Phil said he missed me the whole time he was away; that every time he saw something new he was sad because I wasn’t there to share it. He said even on days where everything was good, he would reach a point where he was melancholy (yes, my baby uses the word melancholy) and his heart ached for me. I said I don’t know what to say. He said you don’t have to say anything. I missed you the whole time I was away.

Emotions got high. I took one finger and touched his hand. He looked at me, took my hand in his, and held it and I wondered if it was true that he’d missed me before he went away. I wondered what that meant about the OW. I took my hand back and Phil let it go. Phil said he’d been thinking almost every day that he was away about us. About what was good, what went wrong, and how he thinks he made a lot of mistakes and the biggest mistake was not letting me in. He accepted and loved and adored certain things about me but there were other things he couldn’t seem to accept and he started to resent me.

I said yeah. I could understand that. I asked if he knew I would have done better if I’d known how – that we both would have done better if only we’d known how. And I said I thought I contributed to our problems too and that I realized I acted similarly in a way – that I accepted him but I walked around crabby about the things I accepted but still didn’t like. He smiled and said that was it exactly! That was how he felt. That the small stuff got in the way and he saw I was crabby about those small things.

Then he pushed his thought some more and said he really did think the biggest problem was him - that he stopped letting me inside and he stopped trusting me with his feelings and that he realized he has that problem with everybody. There was some silence after that and I had to ask – It happens with everybody? He said yes. I asked what happened with the OW. He looked me straight in the face (so he had to make an effort to do this as we were sitting next to each other) and said things died out. He said they still see each other at work and still sometimes talk (on the phone) outside of work but that’s what was left of it.

The food came. For a minute, we had to pause. I poured ketchup on my plate. I pushed an onion ring around. Phil fiddled with his sandwich.

I looked up at him and said I was sorry it didn’t work out for him. And in a weird way, I was. Then I said I wasn’t really sorry and did he understand that? I said I didn’t really want him to be happy with her (and silently said to myself I only wanted him to be happy with me) but that I did want him to be happy no matter what. Then I asked if we could stop talking about it. It made me sad. Phil said OK. I could tell he really was opening up, and instead of looking relieved, he actually seemed sorry I put a stopper in him.

Then my mouth took over and I went too far, I said – it’s hard talking about this stuff. Once, I’d been loved by him beyond reason and I blew it. I didn’t like to think about it. Phil said very deliberately, That’s – Not – True. That isn’t how it was.

“You weren’t loved beyond reason.”

My heart was now sinking to my stomach anticipating that his next words would be that he didn’t ever really love me as much as I thought. As he continued to speak, I realized he was correcting my imprecise vernacular in a way I wouldn’t have hoped for. I was glad I was paying attention and took the time to think before talking after he said this:

“You weren’t loved by me beyond reason.”

“I loved you WITH reason. You DESERVED that. You deserved to be loved the way I loved you. You deserve to be loved more.”

I thought for a little while. Then I smiled and said Wow! And told him he ought to write that line down for future use because it was a winner. He could get pretty far with a line like that… He knew I wasn’t mocking him but trying to lighten the mood and so he flirted back a little and said yeah? You think so? I said yes, definitely look at the reaction I had and showed him all the hairs on my arms were electrified. He asked, are you sure you’re not just cold? It’s pretty cold in here. I said no, and that he knows that is how I respond to him. He said, sort of sadly, yeah, I know.

I ate more onion rings and without thinking, licked the ketchup off my finger instead of using my napkin. The ketchup was good; cool, tart and sweet, so I drew my finger around my plate and deciding to forgo the benefit of an onion ring conduit this time, licked ketchup from my finger a little more. Very bad manners. What kind of 37 yr.old behaves this way? I’m embarrassed thinking about it now. Something to add to that Plan A list… work on table manners. I was very relaxed though.

Phil said his sandwich was good and that I should have that next bite because he knows it’s going to be a really good one. He gestured for emphasis and I looked and saw he was giving me the middle bite of the sandwich. And for any that don’t already know this, the middle bite is the juiciest, fullest, most flavorful bite. It’s the best bite. I said, Oh! You’re giving me the middle bite? And Phil said, it’s the best bite… So I took a big, healthy bite and got mayonnaise on my cheek and tomato squirted on my chin and we both grinned. He let me use his napkin. Mine was already origami.

Then he started to shiver a little. I asked him if he was cold and he said yes, that he thought the air was blowing on him. Historically, that would have been something I would have said. But this time it was Phil who needed care. I said I wasn’t really cold and I would trade seats if he liked. He said he would like that and so I got up, he scooted over and readjusted the plates and beers. I sat in his place and without really thinking leaned into the hollow between his shoulder and his chest and reached up and caressed his cheek for moment before I realized… and STOPPED! Sat up properly. He didn’t pull away and nothing was said.

What Phil did say was that I seemed very comfortable at my (not so) little pub. Like I come regularly enough for people to know me. I said yes, I like to stop in for supper or snack once a week or so. The people are all friendly and we chat about what’s happening with us. I said too, it was good for my ego to go because I get admiring looks (and shrugged my head in the direction of one of the men who’d been staring outright that night) and really, what’s the point of being beautiful with no one around to admire me? ;-) Phil laughed a little and then asked me whom was I going away with again?

Then he said you’ll leave me with your itinerary and numbers and addresses of where you’ll be so I know where to contact you right? (My mind inside said, Umn, No, I don’t think so… suffer not knowing the way you’ve been making me suffer…) Aloud I said, I think I can do that when I know for sure. Phil kept going saying that he had questions about taking care of the boys while I was away. I said I trusted him and whatever care he gave while I was away, I was sure it would be fine. He said no, he wasn’t sure it would be fine and what if Perp got sick again. What should he do? I said, hey, if Perp gets sick, call the Vet. You can handle it.

I wanted him to be clear on my understanding of me – I said, in this I really have changed. I know I can be annoyingly over-protective. I’m really over that. I know that any care you give the boys is going to be as good as I would give and… before I could continue Phil interrupted and said you know I’ve been thinking about it and I already know what I will do. If he has to go to the hospital again while you’re away, I already decided I will do whatever it takes to keep him alive until you get home. Because you should get to see him one more time to say goodbye. You love him so much.

Who else here remembers the stories about ARG? Angry Robot Guy? Who remembers Phil’s griping about money when he’s relatively set? He was concerned that he might not be able to do a good job for what he termed as “just dogs” “just animals” and he is volunteering 10k+ of his precious wealth for an imaginary emergency scenario because I deserve to see my puppy again? And he was so totally sincere. At least that I could trust. I said I didn’t think any of that would happen but I would think on it a little and decide if I really needed that – for Phil to keep Perp alive until I returned in a few weeks.

We started talking about golf. Talked about that for a while. Talked about different courses… Phil said we should go play together. I said I would like that. Phil said, I’ll take an afternoon off and we should take an afternoon off from work and we should go play. Wow. He was giving me OW treatment! Phil never took time off mid-week for me. I often wished he would play hooky once in a while and I was so hurt when I found out he was doing it for OW… Then he said he wanted to play at my club. He wanted to make that big drive after I offered to meet him? Wasn’t he just complaining about the LONG drive a month ago? I said I’d love to play with him at my club. He left off saying he would check his schedule to take an afternoon off for us. I said I would check my schedule too and Phil had an honest, amused laugh.

And I don’t know really how we got from there to the baby, but Phil said he’d been thinking often during his trip about how different things would be if we hadn’t missed – Phil said, he’d be about 9 months old now. I understood immediately. Funny how some things are so far removed from thought and still so close? I said yeah. Phil said he’d be a happy baby and things would be different for us but they’d be good with our little guy. (It wasn’t funny but I had an inward womanish sort of chuckle that in Phil’s mind the baby we lost was a boy.) I said yeah, it would be different and that I was sad for a long time but I know I want to be a mom someday and I maybe I will be and maybe not but I’d like to be a mom someday.

Phil stopped and gave me another serious straight-on look and full of tears said, I’m really sorry about the baby. I’m sorry this happened to us. And before I could say anything he said, And I’m really sorry for leaving you like I did. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know what else to do. I had to get out. I had to get away from you and from our house and I didn’t know how else to do it and I didn’t think there was any other way. And then I got teary a little (we’re still at the pub during all this!) and I said I know.

And then I said, Phil, why do you think I’m not bitter? Why do you think I have never said a single negative thing about [the OW] to you? Because I know that is how you felt and my heart broke for you that you felt so bad that you wanted to get away and didn’t think you had any other choices and I am sorry for the contribution I made to your feeling that way.

Phil said it wasn’t what I did. It just didn’t seem fair. He said it was confusing. He said we had all of these hopes and dreams for the future together. He said he really thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with me – that we would spend the rest of our lives together and now it’s not like that anymore and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He said we really had something special like most people don’t get. He said I know I didn’t imagine it. We really had something. Then he said I guess we wouldn’t be the first people to really have something amazing but still not work out. He said I guess we wouldn’t be the first people to wish things turned out differently but know there is no hope. And he stopped talking...

So if you’ve read this far, what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to keep playing it cool? Or was I supposed to give him hope and let him crush me? Yeah, I’m an idiot. I took a deep breath. I took another deep breath. In a small voice I managed to get the words out – sometimes I still hope for something different for us.

Phil responded almost as soon as I finished my sentence. Could you do that? How would that work out? Then, the soul-crusher: “I couldn’t give you a physical relationship. You should be with a man who can.”

Is this fog talk or is this real talk? I decided it was fog talk. But I asked if it was me. He said no. It was him and he wasn’t sure if he could have a physical relationship with any woman. Huh? Shocker? What about OW? Was there something I didn’t know? I asked what happened with OW? He said, how do you mean what happened? I said, well you were able to have a physical relationship with her. He said yes. And I said and it was good right? And he said yes.

And Pep? Since I know you’re there, thank you for questioning my boog-a-loo wants and needs. I was well prepared mentally to have the conversation, prepared to give words and not take, and prepared to hear any words Phil wanted to share on the subject. I think it was the right decision not to go nutsy at that point.

I asked again if it was me and Phil said no, not how you think. Phil said, it was good with you too, that it was him. I said I knew that I stopped acting like myself with him in bed. I made a lot of changes in the way I behaved in bed because I thought he didn’t like me the way I was. He said I never should have thought I couldn’t be myself. I continued saying that I know I can be aggressive. I know I like sex that way and I like a man who is OK with that. MBers, if this makes you uncomfortable stop reading – it’s not raunchy but the conversation is straightforward. I am editing as much as possible while still telling…

I said I knew I like to be on top and doing certain other things and I thought maybe that bothered him (though as I was talking, I think he kind of liked it…). I said, and I’m comfortable with my body and with my sexuality and what turns me on and that now that I’ve had some time to think it over, I’m not really willing to not be myself anymore but I wondered if I made him feel so pressured to please me or intimidated that he didn’t want me anymore?

He said the sex wasn’t just good with you. For a long time it was great. Everything about you was great. The way you touched me, the way we were together, what you desired from me – I never even thought about it. It was all so amazing. And then it wasn’t. All of a sudden it went from everything was amazing to me thinking all the time. I had to think about everything and it wasn’t so much about pleasing you – you said I pleased you but I didn’t trust it and the pressure was overwhelming and the bed became a pit of a place where I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be in that bed with you anymore. I was thinking and expecting that you were always wanting more from me than I had to give.

I said I thought you hated me. When you stopped touching me, I thought you hated me. I would have been happy if it wasn’t sex all the time - if you had just touched me, stroked my hair, held my hand, let me rub your back, let me give you pleasure while you just relaxed. I said it wasn’t always about sex and even sex wasn’t just about in and out. That for me when we touched each other and kissed – that was part of making love for me and that when suddenly it was all gone I thought you hated me.

He said, I wish I’d known. I wish you hadn’t changed for me. I liked you the way you were. I loved being in bed with you the way you were and then it all changed. Baby, I didn’t hate you. I could never hate you. I think the problem is that I just don’t think I love you enough. I’ll never love you enough. No matter how much I love you, I know it’s never going to be enough for you. You’re always going to want more and I just don’t think I have it in me to love you as much as you want to be loved. As much as you deserve to be loved.

And didn’t I just get done telling Patriot about Quicksand Sally? There it was – back in the open. Back in our bed. Back in the mix. I told him straight: Phil, you loved me enough. You love me enough. You gave me more love than I needed. (Which is true, it just wasn’t always how I wanted to be shown love.) His eyes widened when I said this – Yeah? I said yeah. You’re enough the way you are. The love you have to give is all the love I want or need. I don’t need more from you than that.

I asked, can I tell you something really silly and embarrassing without you judging me or mocking me? He said go ahead. I said I miss sleeping with him sometimes. Not sex sleeping with him, but just sleeping next to him and knowing, smelling, having awareness of his body near mine. He just kind of looked at me. I thought I must have grown another head. Obviously I said too much again. He started to talk and stopped a couple of times. Then he finally started and got it out. He said it’s funny that you should say that. There have been many nights I’ve been laying in bed at night, alone in the condo thinking about you laying in bed alone in our house and I think that IT IS JUST ALL WRONG. We should be together……………… I just don’t see how we could make it work.

I said we’ll have to figure it out I guess. And since this is fairly much abridged (believe it or not) and since we closed the place out, I said I would pick up the tab. Phil asked me did I have enough. I said it was covered. Phil reminded me not to forget my sandals (which were still over by his feet) and I said no, I wouldn’t, slipped them back on and we headed for home. I wondered if he might stay after that. It was late and he’d had a long day…. but no way was I going to ask…

We got back to our cottage and Phil said our house is so beautiful. Our house looks just like our Irish pub all lit up with all of the flowers around. It looks warm and pretty. I said the usual, I love my house. Phil admired the gardens which at this point are pretty sorry looking. I apologized for them being so awful. Phil suggested a landscaper again. I tried not to sound any one way but just said, Phil, I can’t afford a landscaper. And he said, well I can. Let me do this for you. I want you to have your gardens and I want to pay for it. Let me do this. So I said OK. (Inwardly I was thinking it’s never going to happen so why not say OK?)

Inside, Phil had a last few tousles with the boys. Watching him be himself in our home, he even looked like himself again… I had to know if this was for real or if it was just crap. I said, Phil? He said yeah. Why did you call it off with OW? He asked my why that was important. I said I didn’t know why, but it was important for me to know. He shrugged a little and said it wasn’t anything in particular. It just wasn’t working out the way it was. She needed to figure some things out for herself and I needed to figure out some things about myself. The look on his face was – I don’t know. I hated to see it. I asked him if he was waiting for her. He kind of said nooo. The voice inside me screamed Cake-EATER. Fence-sitter. Then he definitively said I’m not waiting for her. I’m not waiting for anyone. I’m just trying to get my head on straight and figure out where to go from here.

I said OK. We went into the kitchen together and packed him up a bag with the food I’d gotten him for a surprise gift. We hugged some more. I asked him if he really thought I was too skinny. He said yes and then he mumbled something. He repeated for me… It was – you feel good.

I walked him to the door, said goodbye. I said I would look forward to our golf outing. He waffled. Duh. Of course he waffled. He said Oh, yeah, I don’t think I can take any time this week. I said no problem. We can play next month. Next month? Yeah, I said, I’ll be away until August. He said I won’t see you for a month? I said well, I don’t think I would see you until after I am home. Suddenly things changed. He said you know, in the weeks before I went away, things were really slow at the office. You’re probably busy Friday. Maybe Thursday is possible. I said no worries, if it wasn’t possible we’d play another time. He said you’re doing it. I said doing what? He said Just say Thursday is OK.

Obviously, I missed the commitment to spending time together in that Maybe Thursday is a possibility thing… I said Thursday would be great. You did it too. He said did what. I said you waffled. I was letting you have it. He said it’s our thing. It’s how we don’t communicate. I said it’s not just our thing. I said lots of people do this. I thanked him for setting me straight. And he said he would get back to me about Thursday (so obviously that STILL isn’t a plan – again – DUH.) and we said goodnight. I went upstairs and cried, made a sanity phone call, washed my face and went to sleep.

And that is how things are with Sally…

Sally,

Great review. LOL!!! U r a good writer. Very suspensefule and I could feel both your emotionas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That aside, I think you handled yourself well and made progress with Phil. Phil made progress with Phil. Whether it continues is up to him. The next step is he will realize even if he moved out to 'get away', your actions did not warrant his having an A.

Similar path to what my WS took. It was a turning point for him. But not one you can bask in the glory of or keep playing in your head forever.

Know that this moment happened, be happy and move forward. Spend a little time reminiscing and rehasing it a bit but don't over do it.

If he is really thinking, he w/b back with more and better info.

take care,
L.