Peachy,
Don't let one poster bother you.

You are looking out for the best interests of your son, which is the right thing to do.

I think you should be concentrating MORE on your child and less on the problems of your xH and his wife. The majority of this post is about their marriage, not your child.

peachy,

The important question is how to use the information you got from FV about darth to protect your son. Maybe you can be allies and share information. But your first obligation is to protect your son from unsupervised contact with his crazy Dad. Talk to your attorney.

She (fv) may not be ready to sever their relationship, she may waver and go back. Remember, don't give her too much information if any of it can weaken your position as a protective mother.

Looks like he's already moved on to his next ingenue .....

Peachy,

That is terrible and I totally understand that you wish to protect your son from all of this mess, but please be careful about getting too close with FV. They ARE still married and she may change her mind regarding getting a divorce once she confronts him, they may even try to rebuild. Who knows...

"Don't worry about him not having clothes. He probably packed a bag without your knowledge. But he WILL be home soon, I'm sure. "

Should have said..."Don't worry about him not having clothes. He probably doesnt need them where he is"

LOL

Take care

As much as I have healed, and how happy I am now, I dont think that I could ever be a "friend" and offer any kind of support to OW

read my latest post on X's wedding

Hey guys...sorry late.

And I have made decision to stay out pretty much of their business. I am decent and cordial 2 her...but not in constant contact. She knows my attorney is now aware of sitch...and tht I know of xh's drug usage...party drug usage.

My son is with xil's this weekend at their farm. XH has had no time with son during his scheduled visitation time. They are ok...he's fine...everything is cool and I play it day to day.

This way I am not denying custody, raising any red flags, and when I decide to act legally, it will fall like a hammer and hard.

I am sorry for their child. For how she will grow up. It is sad.

But the peace in the end also comes from knowing that there was no happily ever after as so many of us think our xw spouses out there are when they marry the object of their lust. It just is not so. There is too much baggage and not enough self-fixing for an affair marriage to survive. Basically, its an uphill battle, against odds of logic and decency.

So many of us took the blame, took the fall and wore the burden of believing it was our faults. It probably wasn't unless you did some serious (and I mean serious) negative changing in your relationship.

Hope all are well. As for me, have had a telecom nightmare this week. My dsl line was installed...and then my home phone went to war w/computer. Then my cell fell into the bath when I was getting a pedicure. Fun huh? Ah...then comes the whole saga of dating. I will post on that now. Serial daters suck.

"But the peace in the end also comes from knowing that there was no happily ever after as so many of us think our xw spouses out there are when they marry the object of their lust. It just is not so. There is too much baggage and not enough self-fixing for an affair marriage to survive. Basically, its an uphill battle, against odds of logic and decency"

The previous poster who advised you to "not get happiness out of someone else's pain" (or something close to that) gave you solid advice. Talk about the signaling the Karma Train in your direction! Peace? Peace? You actually had to wait for your ex to have trouble in his marriage to gain peace? How messed up is that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I've read this site for some years off and on. My first marriage ended in divorce, even though I used MB principles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> What I came to realize is that we just weren't compatible. I have used them from the beginning in my second marriage, my only true marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> They aren't a magic bullet though. A relationship has to have a lot more than one person trying.

Unlike Peachy would like to believe, there are those couples who started out having an affair that do well. Very well. I know of a couple of longterm marriages personally. My husband's and my relationship/marriage is one of those. We have been together for 9 years (married 7) and we have found true happiness and love with one another. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, there are those who meet their one true match too late in life. They've already said "I Do", to the wrong person. They realize it too late. Then they go through hell for years enduring a rotten marriage, only to meet "the one made for them" while still married. A lot of people get hurt. To ask someone, anyone, to give up all chance of true happiness, just to stay in a marriage that isn't working, is just plain wrong.

Do I believe that too many people jump into a second marriage before working on themselves and figuring out what THEY DID in the relationship to make it fail? You bet!! That goes for all marriages. I also believe many people take vows without realizing who they are and what they need in a partner/spouse. Then there are those couples that change, and take different paths in life.

Don't bet your future on your ex's next marriage failing and wait for that "peace". Seek peace other ways. You'll be much happier and not waste your life away waiting for someone to fail!!

Uh...maybe you don't get it....

What was messed up was being BLAMED by my x for everything that went wrong. It was NOT about me or what I did...he's an incredibly dysfunctional person and nobody can find that out until they're really knowing him for a few years.

My PEACE comes from knowing that he was incorrect in blaming me for everything....after all, if somebody for a long time tells you you're ugly, stupid, fat, and a whole list of other insults...over time you think it is YOU that has to be fixed...when in reality it is him...not me.

The peace comes from knowing that it was not me who failed my marriage...he failed it. And he is failing his marriage now.

Funny, I spoke with his present W now. She is ALSO BLAMING HERSELF FOR HIS ACTIONS. But she is at peace too, after learning and reading alot of materials lately and by going to get some counseling.

I don't want anybody to hurt. And in a distinctly differnt way, I also have peace from forgiving the OW. Yea, the OW. But she did know he was married and she asked also for my forgiveness. And has she learned a little? Heck yea. She's not even gonna date for a while and even when she is ready later on, definitely not somebody married.

I find your paragraph here a bit disturbing:
Unfortunately, there are those who meet their one true match too late in life. They've already said "I Do", to the wrong person. They realize it too late. Then they go through hell for years enduring a rotten marriage, only to meet "the one made for them" while still married. A lot of people get hurt. To ask someone, anyone, to give up all chance of true happiness, just to stay in a marriage that isn't working, is just plain wrong.

Can we say that is fog?

That is totally in opposite direction of MB ok?

That is called, a justification for self gratification.

Make the grass greener in your own yard. For when you get over to the other damn yard that's so green, you find it is probably that stinking pile of manure that's made it that way....

You're spouting out the whole "but he/she's my soulmate" philosophy. The whole justification for a midlife crisis basically. Why should I remain unhappy if I have after spending MY LIFE and creating MY FAMIlY if I feel like hooking up with somebody who makes me FEEL like they are my soulmate? What's 10 or 20 years anyway?

Sorry, no debate here. You and I unfortunately have different viewpoints in this whole thing.

As for me, I am just glad to get some closure in knowing that I am healing...that I understand that this was never about me...it was all about him...and am actually helping his wife understand the abuse she has endured. As I have learned, if you help others, you're doing a good thing. That IS THE GOOD KARMA TRAIN MY FRIEND...

And yes, if you cheat, you are creating NEGATIVE KARMA, BREAKING GODS' LAWS, WHATEVER...it's wrong. End something first and then heal, then start up if you can't live up to your vows.

OOPS...I THINK YOUR WHOLE SIGGY LINE SAYS IT ALL...

NO WONDER MY WORDS GOT UNDER YOUR SKIN...

YOU'RE FROM AN AFFAIR MARRIAGE! WOWIE ZOWIE!

Justify away. But no arguement from me here. I know what is right is right. And so do you. And the irony is here, you're at MB...an ANTI ADULTERY SITE...plugging this crapola.

Uh...KARMA TRAINS' A ROLLING BABE!

HMMM...also wondering what in the heck a "HAPPILLY MARRIED FORMER OW" is doing here surfing the dating/divorced forum....makes me wonder...

Anyway, it's fun talking with the aliens now and then.

Hey Orchid? Redhat? Bob Pure?

WE HAVE ALIENS IN DATING AND DIVORCED!

Justpeachy -

Please don't give loversfirst such a hard time. I don't think you are really understanding her point of view, which is "A lot of people get hurt. To ask someone, anyone, to give up all chance of true happiness, just to stay in a marriage that isn't working, is just plain wrong."

So let her have her "true happiness" as she and her husband walk over the bodies of those who "got hurt" - the children, betrayed spouses, family members. Cause after all, the cheaters are happy now. Of course it has only been 7 years, and they can't trust each other, and their "only true marriage" was built on the wounds of others. But who cares? They have got EXACTLY what they deserve - each other.

1997, if you have been reading here since so long ago you can't remember, whats your former handle, point us to some of your old posts? They are still here if you did...I'd love to read them.

It helps to know backgrounds

I think it IS unhealthy to be reliant on someone else for your own happiness. My being reliant on Squid for that led to a dreadful shock when she had an affair.

That said if had Squid married OM I would be pleased if their R failed.

But not surprosed as most of them do.

One of the facts almost deliberately overlooked by infidels who marry is that both of them have a proven history of lying, cheating , a lack of respect for the union of marrige and sexual infidelity.

If I was on the dating scene and found out someone I had been offered a date with broke up two marriages, lied, cheated and banged around I would run a mile.

No wonder so many affair-based relationships/marriages fail with such poor ingredients going into them.

Oh Peachy, You don't get under my skin. I'd actually have to care about your opinion for that to happen. There are many posters on here I do respect and read occasionally. Have for some years. I have found Harley's principles of "his needs and her needs" valuable from the first time I read his book during my first marriage.

Don't pat yourself on the back too hard for "forgiving" FV as you've called her all this time. You didn't "forgive" her until her marriage was having problems.

Do you truly not understand Karma? Try educating yourself dear. You've done nothing but wish your ex and his w ill will since they married. Care to deny that?

My first marriage ended and my then H married his then ow. It was rough, but I can honestly say I forgave her in less than a year. And their marriage is still going. 10plus years later. She's always been good to my children.

"What was messed up was being BLAMED by my x for everything that went wrong. It was NOT about me or what I did...he's an incredibly dysfunctional person and nobody can find that out until they're really knowing him for a few years."

You are correct in the above assumption. I did not understand. You should have never blamed yourself entirely for the breakup of your marriage. Or for picking the wrong man. He sounds like he can trick many people!



"Can we say that is fog?"

"Whatever peachy. Fog sure lasts a long time! 9 years now! LOL Call it what you will.

"That is totally in opposite direction of MB ok?"

Actually, we both practice the principles of MB very well. And as far as our previous affair, never did I say it wasn't wrong. If I had to do it all over again, I would have separated months before I did. I saw my now husband 6 months before I separated and filed for divorce. Then I took nearly a year and didn't see him or anyone. This was tough, but necessary in my opinion. We both divorced during that year. We then spent 2 years dating. It's been a road that I would never recommend to anyone!

What if you were married to an alcoholic that harmed you, and I told you that you had to stay with him? How would you feel then? You try to come across that because you didn't have an affair, that that makes you pure, and without sin. That's the "crapola" dear!! LOL You are no better than I am. Actually, you are MUCH WORSE, because you think you are perfect. You are not without sin and are far fromn perfect. The horrible things that you have said about others on this board from the day you started posting is disgusting. Yes, I remember your first post. I was reading then. You are like a child always calling names and spouting your mouth off. You even call that poor child an oc. Remember when you made all the insults about FV being on the radio station? What about the magazine? You seem to forget what you have done wrong. Why's that??

"Sorry, no debate here. You and I unfortunately have different viewpoints in this whole thing. "

No doubt there. I believe a person's life is their own to live. Do you actually think me giving my happiness up and staying in a bad marriage would have been best for anyone? Not hardly. Sometimes divorce is the best option.

"As I have learned, if you help others, you're doing a good thing. That IS THE GOOD KARMA TRAIN MY FRIEND..."

Personally, I do good things for people everyday, and I don't wish anyone illwill, or call them nasty names, or talk behind their backs and spread rumors.

"And yes, if you cheat, you are creating NEGATIVE KARMA, BREAKING GODS' LAWS, WHATEVER...it's wrong. End something first and then heal, then start up if you can't live up to your vows."

Totally agree. Cheating is not a good thing. Don't forget though, that God forgives all. You or anyone else have no say over it. And your judgement against me means nothing.
worry about yourself Peachy. I'll take care of my relationship with God.

Believer,

Thank you, we do deserve each other!! I know you meant it to be an insult, but I can't take it that way because we are made for one another. I wish you the happiness in your future that I have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A couple of things need cleared up. You ASSUMED a lot. First, the family handled it well. Both sides. No issues. They weren't real fond of our ex's for good reason! LOL Second, the kids are much better than they were before the divorce. They have said many times to all family members that it was a relief when their parents divorced. A home environment that is filled with fighting and stress is NOT beneficial to children...ever. The betrayed spouses, did get hurt. Don't make the mistake of thinking they are blameless in the demise of the relationships though. They are far from it! Wishing you peace and happiness.

Reborn man,
Thank you for being nice!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />It's clear that you are a gentleman and a true Christian. Let me look to see how far back these records go. Should I admit I can't remember my old name?? It's been a long time since I actually posted. I belong to several Second Wives and Blended Family sites and post there on a regular basis. Lots of great advice for stepmoms on those sites!

Bob,
I respect your opinion. However, you have overlooked the fact that many, many people go through most of their grown up lives and never cheat, never even think it's possible for them to do such a thing. There are serial cheaters out there, but I believe most people learn from the experience and are better "bets" than people who have never cheated. What I'm trying to say is, there are no guarantees in relationships. Just because you marry someone that hasn't cheated, doesn't mean that they won't! Many family therapists will tell you there is no "profile" of a person who cheats or doesn't. No way of identifying.

The way to affair proof any marriage is to 1) marry someone very compatible to you 2) don't marry a person who doesn't know themselves well and what they need in a relationship 3) know yourself and what you need and don't accept anything less 4) don't settle for anything less than what will fulfill your basic needs 5) forget that "lovinq feeling", that type of love dies rather quickly 6) and to quote Harley, fill your spouses needs on a regular basis!

Thank you for the replies everyone. Going through divorce is tough, but I am willing to bet that most of you will be much happier in your future relationships!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One last thing I forgot to mention to Peach as she lives where I do outside of Atlanta.

Did you realize that the child support laws were changed this past session? Our state has moved to an "Income Shares" model, like 38 other states in the Union before us. What that means (ANY MEN FROM GEORGIA PAY ATTENTION) is that mother's are going to be financially responsible for their children too. The current law in Georgia takes only the father's (custodial parent, father 90+% of the time) gross income into account. One child is 17-23%, with most judges falling right in the middle with 20% rulings. The new law is much different and takes affect next year. Custodial parents who are living off of their children's child support need to start looking for a job. Their income will be imputed by the bench. Peachy, I know you work and this didn't pertain to you! Although the tables are being created right now, you can take a look at the NC calculator to get a good idea of what your child support will change to (if the ex asks for modification) All children count now, whereas before, only children from the first marriage were figured when calculating child support awards. Also, more father's are getting 50/50 shared custody.

If anyone has any questions, just let me know. Men, I know some great men's support sites if you want to know those.

Ms. lovers1st,

If you don't like my posts, then why in the hell read them? It is unfortunate your stance on some issues...

And yes, I had EVERY right to be feeling as I had felt.

And no, my xh has UNDERPAID ME SINCE DAY 1...find it hard to find any judge that could reduce what he's paying me. I am a hardworking mom who has had their son most of the time and you're words are not getting to me. I let my attorney...my new one...handle any new issues that come down my way.

I am wondering...maybe your h's xw is getting more than you think she should?

Oh well. We shall both live amicably in this very large state and agree to disagree...and that's that.

And yea, who in the heck wouldn't be angry that their WS was shacking up with a woman in front of the eyes of a very young child and have the woman flaunt the affair and be in a very Howard Stern-like radio show and be in a (imho) scandalous magazine? I think you'd have to be extremely...and I say this almost apologetic to liberals...liberal with your morality. It was angering and shocking to me, my family, my friends.

And she came to ME and asked my forgiveness...it was she who came to me 2 years ago and asked for help then. I did help her. Tried to help her see the light then. But he did not change. She also lied and said she was NOT pregnant.

It was a nightmarish situation and honestly, any woman with my xh is in for a horrible road ahead.

Words:
What if you were married to an alcoholic that harmed you, and I told you that you had to stay with him? (actually I was told to work things out with my xh from my 1st counselor...he's like one...except he's abusive along with the cheating?)How would you feel then? (I tried to do all I could to change the dynamics and see if I could help him change...I could not...that was up to him) You try to come across that because you didn't have an affair, that that makes you pure, and without sin. That's the "crapola" dear!! LOL You are no better than I am. Actually, you are MUCH WORSE,(Geez. I never said that. I just said that it's crap what you're dishing out. The whole "it's ok...my affair marriage is great" stuff...and I HOPE YOUR MARRIAGE IS GREAT...TWO FAMILIES ENDURED HURT TO GET TO THIS POINT) because you think you are perfect. (Uh...No...Not in any way do I think so.)You are not without sin and are far fromn perfect. (Thanks. I already knew that) The horrible things that you have said about others on this board from the day you started posting is disgusting. (well, you made me hurl too) Yes, I remember your first post. (I don't recall ever reading yours until yesterday) I was reading then. You are like a child always calling names and spouting your mouth off. You even call that poor child an oc. (that poor child IS an OC...but she has a name. And I have said over and over that I love all kids...I love that child also. But the circumstances surrounding the conception are what they are...It was not unkind, it was fact) Remember when you made all the insults about FV being on the radio station? What about the magazine? ( I was not in a magazine...that was her..I was in Jezebel, which is a magazine about atlanta life, parties, society, etc. WAs a picture from a christmas formal...very very decent)You seem to forget what you have done wrong. Why's that?? (it was FV in the magazine...and she was on a very suggestive radio program...listen to 96 rock ever? And a lovely webcam recorded the sordid event. I have done tons of things wrong hon...I just don't toss em' out there for my son to see )

What I think angered me so much was the blatant lack of caring for what was going on that could affect my son and his growing into a decent man...I mean, is it healthy to have your dad's girlfriend shacking up, posing in almost indecent magazines, and appearing on lewd talk shows? I'd not say that's good for a child. A nightmare for any responsible mom in any city in any country on this planet.

Let's agree to disagree.

ATL is a big enough area for BOTH of us to live in. Much good wishes to you.

And yea, I don't post alot here about stuff as much as I used to...and when myself and FV had the first talk, after she apologized, I apologized to her also.

And she also made it known that she understood what she did was WRONG. As did I tell her some of my words were wrong. She'd lived a life under an abusive dad. No wonder she picked the wrong kinda guy. When I saw the pictures of what my xh did to her, it was not at all again about what had happened in the past...she was a mom, in danger. And yea, I had pictures of similar kinds of bruises...on me. So I knew that not only my son was still around this kinda guy, but her baby was too.

So maybe you can say it's because their marriage failed. No, I think it's because we were able to see each other in a different frame of reference period. And despite her poor choices, and mine for marrying him, I can understand how any woman can be taken for a ride by him. Even the new one now...she's so young and naive.

He's so slick, he could even fool licensed counselors btw.

I don't really care about anything here written about me anymore. I speak my mind. I am happy with who I am.

My life is my life. And I know that I did not do anything to deserve what I went thru. And my xh's present w did not do anything to deserve what she is going thru either. And our children don't deserve it either.

Here's the bottom line.

Affairs are wrong.

You can feel you married the wrong person. But without really trying and working on your family, you're just justifying doing what you feel...hormonally. And ending a marriage because somebody is cruel, abusive, or an alcoholic or substance abuser is understandable. But 2 wrongs will never make a right by choosing to begin, while still married, begin a relationship with a married man or woman who has their own family.

It's damn hard being single today. And it's damn hard being married too. But we're putting our families thru so much simply because we take actions such as beginning an affair and saying "well we couldn't help ourselves" or "she's my soulmate".

I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BS POSTING HERE about their WS OR FORMER WS WHO SAID THE OP WAS THEIR "SOULMATE". My xh then would be suing me for CS...lmao. Soulmate Schmolmate.

Nobody deserves to live in a purgatory type marriage. But before bailing, everybody deserves to give their family a chance...even giving the offending party a last chance in healing. But nobody deserves to be lied to or cheated on either. It's tough for families these days. When I think of the "soulmate" lie, I think of Charles and Camilla...how many tears were shed over that? And I think of Debbie Reynolds, Eddie Fisher, and Elizabeth Taylor. I can remember my grandma talking about that many many years ago when the first star wars came out and Carrie Fisher was the star. We can believe that people get over the betrayals. Yes, they do, but their lives aren't the same as before. Something precious, was changed. While us former BS are now out there trying to navigate the single world, there will always be that .0000000001 which remains with us that is the result of the affairs our WS had. We may not be as open to trust. We may have negative self images. Or we may not be as confident ourselves. But we wake up, go to work, muddle on, cook our children dinner, and read to them as they go to bed at night. There will be that .0000001 % of all of us divorced former BS' that carry the sigma of having been the BS. It's not being holier than thou. It is something we wish we did not have to carry with us at all.

Peachy, I think it was kind of you to give FV the books. You know the road she's travelling. Mazel tov!

I find all this totally amazing. Let her do her thing. Take the info disclosed and go for sole custody with supervised visitation.

She is not a bad person...FV..she left home at 17, from an abusive dad. She ran and ran and didn't have much of a life. My xh probably looked like a savior to her. She had a previous child from her HS boyfriend...again, she gets more CS from her xbf than I do from my xh.

She was hurting and the affair and marriage came out of that whole hurt..the abuse. She basically married her dad. I had a mean mom...I don't write about that though. Very mentally abusive and I could never live up to her expectations...an A had to be an A plus or I was a loser in her eyes. Got yelled at b/c my best friend in HS got homecoming queen...I didn't want to. Any wonder I married darth?

She is a nice person. She wanted soooo hard to believe it was ME not darth...that was the wrong party. In the end, she found almost all my and darth's email conversations he had printed out. She read all my MB spouting to him, my words...and she learned after reading tons of them what had happened. And then she found some photos of my bruised arms that were stolen from my home when Darth broke in. He stole those photos so they could not be used in court...he he...I had more copies he did not know about.

She never has had one year of faithfulness or normalcy with him. She cried to me that he refused to marry her in a church. I felt horrible for her. She has endured in a short 15 or 16 mos what happened only to me after about 5 years of marriage...at least I had a few good years before his premidlife meltdown.

Nobody is perfect. And knowing that she had similar uphill battles, made me realize that she made bad choices. We both learned the truth...but at different speeds about one another. That's why she had enough cajones to call me and ask for forgiveness. I totally forgive her. I pray for her strength and recovery. LIke I told her yesterday, she can do amazing things...if she believes she can. Being a good and loving mom is amazing thing number 1. She's even thinking about going to college. Never has she been longer than 2 years away from abuse. That is horribly sad. She deserves a real second chance. I deserve one as well. And so do our children.

I think the Creator moves in mysterious ways.

All along, I knew if Darth did not try to heal himself, he'd hurt more people in his path...her included...and our kids.

Thanks Cindy.

I've been advised to wait on her attorney to file first...then we give testimony (which I will have to do I am sure...attorney said to count on my getting subpoenae'd), and her testimony and evidence is entered into court...then we pick up the ball and run with it during end of their trial or negotiations...what would my xh want? He certainly does not want his image tarnished...a cfo who uses party drugs? It's my hope that in the end, when all this hits the legal fan, that I am able to negotiate darth to get into a rehab or counseling program. Id on't want to have all the custody and neither does his present W. We don't want to take him from his kids. But he's not healthy either. We want to simply do what is right. And who gives a damn what he makes. I found out 3 days ago wht he really makes...and it's about 5 times more than I thought.

To hell with the new GA figures. When you are lied to, you're lied to...can we say false disclosure? There's a lovely paragraph in my decree he accidentally agreed on that says if he lied about finances or misrepresented them that if we can prove it, we can have a new outcome change.