i've been married for about three years. the first two years were great but now things have really gone sour. he screams at me over everything, like when we go renting movies he tells me to pick out movies that i would like to see so i do. im a horrow movie fan well, the other day he wanted to sit down and watch a movie together and he started screaming at me b/c he doesnt like watching horror movies and was telling me how disgusting it was to rent only those movies then he grabbed his car keys and threatened to leave us. he always finds the smallest of things to fight with me about. i dont understand really what i am doing wrong and i have always been afraid to talk to him really. he scares me when he is angry. i just cant seem to talk to him really. when i do try he does one of two things, he either goes to sleep or he starts screaming at me pun ching walls as hard as he can and threatens to leave me or he will just go to bed and lock the door. i really have no idea what to do here.

Ouch. Your situations is not good.

Here's the problem. There is no magic bullet that anybody can give you that will make this all go away. A fundamental precept of MB is that you can't change your spouse. You can change yourself in positive ways, and the spouse will or may choose to join you on the path to healing.

It sounds like his rage is escalating. And the rule is safety first. You need to get yourself to a safe place, and *then* you can look to initiate a dialog on how to fix what's wrong. You may want to look into the plan B material here on this site.

Note this is not about divorce, this is about getting the marriage to a state where problems can be discussed rationally, in a safe manner. If your H is physically violent then it's only a matter of time before you make him angry enough that what was punching a wall becomes punching you.

It also sounds like your H has some serious passive-aggressive tendencies. Telling you to do what you want then getting angry when you do.

You refer to leave "us". Are their children involved?

Do not kid yourself, or fool yourself into thinking that he would never strike you. Do not take the risk, and don't put yourself in the position of having to find out. If there's something going on with him, then it can be talked about calmly and rationally and in a safe manner. Even if he's frustrated or unhappy, violence is never the answer.

I would call a shelter in your area and ask for some suggestions on how to prepare. I'd get some money set aside, make sure you have keys to the car handy, and are prepared to just walk out.

Does this mean the marriage can't be saved? Nope, but it does mean that there's a lot of work ahead of both of you, and you might have to be the one that takes the initiative. But there's no way you're going to be able to have an open honest conversation if you're in fear for your safety.

Do call a shelter. Do call a mc in your area and at least go talk to them. You may want to consider calling the police as well, and see what your options are.

yes, we have a two year old daughter. i have been trying to put aside some money but everytime i get a start he spends it on something he says he needs, like two games for his gaming console or a magazine. before i started working, he held all the money. that started about a year ago when we finally got into our own place again. he said that i could not be trusted with the money so he has kept it in his wallet this past year not letting me any access to it. so therefore the things that have really needed to be taken care of have been neglected, like clothing for me and my child, my child's shots. this week it has been food. all the money i had had to go on tires for our car so that i could get back and forth to work otherwise we would have no money other than his checks and we cant live off them which he says makes him feel less of a man b/c i make more money.
anyways, i have tried putting aside money but there is always something that comes up.i plan on trying to get a better full time job and try to set aside money or hide it but that seems to be a very difficult task to do. he seems to always find it and spend it for me.

Well, you can get a bank account in another bank, you can give it to a friend, kyou can bury it in a coffee can in the yard. But those are all way down the road.

You need to get away from him *now*. Call a shelter. The two of you have *serious* issues, and you're not safe. I know it's hard to see that. nobody wants to think of their H as a bad person.

But the two of you need help. And you have the additional responsibility of protecting your daughter.

Yes, it seems scary. But you need to bring about radical change in the dynamic of that relationship. My W had to kick me out on my keister, and tell me not to come back until my head was on straight. And it worked. Yes, it takes courage.

Heck, next time you get paid, just take that check, cash it, and grab your daughter, and go someplace safe.

Your H has a serious power-over mentality. And he needs help. And you need help too. But you're the one that perceives the problem, so you're the one tha tneeds to act.

*READ* the material on a plan B, and how it works, and how it brings about change in a relationship...

I notice that you refer to you kid as "my child", "my daughter". Is he not the father then? Is there something else going on there?

You are in danger - get out now, take your child, worry about making the marriage work AFTER he has gotten help.

Call for help immediate. Do not wait. You've gotten sound advice, now follow it.

Jan

NO, he is the father, just he has never really had anything to do with her other than an occasional talking to until lately when i went to work. before he would not change a diaper he would not watch her he wouldnt do anything with her really other than get onto her for this or that. he still does that now, but he has to keep her with him during the day b/c i8 work. more times thatn not he just sits there and plays his games and just lets her do whatever she wants. i come hoem with coolaide stains on the floor, food all over the floor, the couch tore apart, cushions here and there blankets here and there and my child clinging to my leg. i have no one to really help me. my family members hate his guts. as far as taking my next check, i cant really do that, it would take mroe than one check to be able to afford anything around here. the shelters around here are usually filled up, or at least the ones for mother daughters. i would go rent a hotel but it would take over a months worth of checks to afford even the cheapest ones down here.

There's lots of excuses here, but a lack of understanding of your situation on your part.

Nobody is telling you that packign up and leaving is easy. Nobody is telling you that it's not going to be difficult, complex, and non-trivial. It is going to take significant courage on your part to take that step of faith that says I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm going to do it because it's right.

*nobody* here has a magic bullet that will solve your problem. Nobody here has a magic bullet that will make all the issues go away or make leaving easy.

If you rfamily doesn't like him, won't they help you at all? Place to stay for a few days? What about a church in your area? Have you called and asked? What about the police? Have you called and talked to them about your options with respect to his violence and perhaps child endangerment?

Have you considered going to a judge and getting a TRO that keeps him away from you and your daughter.

You're going to have to decide to step up to the plate, and be a Mother to your daughter that teaches her about self-respect, and doing the right thing, or you can be a mother that teaches her daughter that men just get to treat you like crap and you have to take it.

Your call. But a laundry list of excuses doesn't change anything. The excuses won't make your husband better. THey won't change *anything* about your relationship, except somehow give you the idea tha tyou're a helpless victim and life dealt you a crappy hand. Well, it didn't. Dig deep, find some moxie, and do the right thing for you and your little girl.

Even if the shelters are full, perhaps they can refer you to a place tha twill help, or a church that can or any one of a number of other solutions tha tmight be available to you that you haven't considered.

COURAGE HAS NEVER BEEN ONE OF MY STRONGEST SUITS REALLY IT TAKES ME A WHJILE TO WORK UP THE COURAGE TO EVEN ASK SOMEONE IF I CAN BORROW SOMETHING. I AM A VERY SCARED INDIVIDUAL, I CANT STAND UP TO ANYONE, NOT MY HUSBAND, NOT A STRANGER BEING MEAN TO ME. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO WORK UP THE COURAGE TO SAY GET OUT FOR A WHILE OR JUST TO LEAVE BUT THEN ON THE OTHER HAND I KEEP ON THINKING THAT MAYBE I CAN WORK THINGS OUT WITH HIM, IF ONLY I COULD SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND SET BOUNDARIES AS TO WHAT HE CAN AND CAN NOT DO. HE NEVER ACTED LIKE THIS FOR THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE AND THEN HE LOST HIS JOB AND WE LOST OUR HOUSE AND HOME AND HAD TO GO AND LIVE WITH MY DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY, MOVING FROM PLACE TO PLACE. AND THEN WE LIVED IN HOTELS FOR A WHILE AND HE GOT UPSET WITH ME B/C I ASKED IF THERE WAS ANYWAYS WE COULD GET A ROOM WITH A LITTLE MORE SPACE IN IT B/C MY DAUGHTER DIDNT HAVE ANY ROOM TO CRAWL AROUND AND SHE WAS JUST LEARNING HOW. HE BRINGS THAT UP IN EVERY FIGHT WE HAVE. SINCE WE FINALLY GOT IN THIS PLACE HE HAS STARTED USING ANY MISTAKE I MADE IN TEH PAST AND YALLING ANS SCREAMING AT ME OVER EVERY LITTLE THING I DO. EVEN WHEN I AM DOING IT JUST TO PLEASE HIM. I DONT KNOW, I JUST WANT THINGS TO WORK OUT. I REALLY DO LOVE HIM BUT I KNOW THAT ON THE OTEHR HAND THAT I AM MISERABLE AND CAN NOT SEEM TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT, I JUST WIND UP CRYING INSTEAD WHEN I DO TRY TO BE STRONG.

I really, really empathise with you. This situation is not good for you, it' snot good for him, it's not good for your daughter.

That doesnt' mean that it can't be made good, lots of very toxic relationships have been turned around. But it sometimes takes 1 party really stepping up to change the situation.

I'm not even convinced that the problem in the relationsihp is you necessarily. Yes, you may have some boundary issues, but that doesnt' explain the other stuff. Perhaps your H has incurred some kind of unexpected debt, gambling, or some other addiction that he's too afraid to face up to.

Or it just has control of him.

Could be a million other things. SOme kind of medical problem, paranoia or other personality disorder.

But you're missing the bigger picture. All of those issues can be addressed once you are safe.

They can't be addressed if you or your child are lying in a hospital after he takes out his rage on you or your daughter, or worse, if you're dead. Sorry to be blunt, but men in rages have killed women they profess to love.

You are *not* safe. I realize you want to move to safety. But apparently there isn't an idyllic safe place for you to go to. So you have to do the next best thing. GO to a place kind of safe. Go to a family member with just you and your child with a bag you've packed.

Clean out the checking account, the savings account, leave a couple bucks on the table, cash your paycheck and get away. YOu can always go back. If he does somethign rash, you may not be able to leave at all.

But do not assume that by doing nothing, things will get better. You know what they say about assume.

If he yells or screams at you again before you're ready, then call the police. Tell them that you're afraid for your safety and the safety of your child. They will back you up if you lay it out for them straight.

I realize tha tyou want to just sit there passively and cross fingers and hope it all just goes away. ISn't gonna happen.

Be strong. For you, and for your daughters sake.

MY HUSBAND SAYS THAT HE KNOW WHERE I WOULD GO AND THAT WOULD BE TO MY MOTEHR AND IF I DID THAT THAT HE WOULD COME OUT THERE AND BEAT THE HECK OUT OF MY MOTHER, STEPDAD, THEM ALL. THAT I WOULD BE CHOOSIGN MY MOTHER OVER MY FAMILY. I DONT WANT TO PUT ANYONE IN DANGER. HE WOULD DO THE SAME TO ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMEBER I WENT TO. HE MAINTAINS THAT MY MOTHER TRIED TO KILL OUR DAUGHTER WHEN I LET HER GO STAY WITH HER, WHEN I WAS VERY VERY ILL. MY MOTEHR FORGOT TO GIVE HER THE MEDICATION I SENT FOR HER COLD. SHE WAS ON THE REBOUND AND MY MOTEHR DIDNT REALIZE THAT IT WOULD MAKE HER EVEN MORE ILL. AND IF I DID GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIM HE WOULD KILL MY MOTHER AND THEM AND GO TO PRISION BUT AT LEAST HE WOULD KNOW THAT MY MOTHER WOULD NOT BE AROUND OUR DAUGHTER HE SAYS. I JUST DONT GET IT. ANYWHERE I GO HE MAINTAINS HE WILL COME AND FIND US AND HURT WHO EVER TAKES US IN. I REALLY REALLY DONT WANT OT PUT ANYONE IN DANGER.

No, he won't. If he's threatened you, then CALL THE POLICE*. If he's threatened your family, then *CALL THE POLICE*. File a complaint, get a temporary restraining order. They can handle this and help you handle this.

*Call* a domestic abuse hotline.

Make sure you tell the police that you are afraid for your safety and the safety of your daughter. Ask them to tell you specifically waht to do.

Control guys are a lot of bluster and manipulation. If he can get you to do something and control you by threatening you, then that's what he'll do. I don't want to minimize the seriousness of your situation. But call the police.

They take these things very seriously.

I HAD A FRIEND THAT DONE THAT AND SHE WOUND UP IN THE HOSPITIAL. I HAVE HAD DEALING WITH TEH POLICE DOWN HERE AND THEY DO NOT HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME. THE ONLY REASON THAT HAVE TO EVEN SOCIALIZE WITH THE PEOPLE WHERE I LIVE IS TO TAKE THEM TO JAIL. THEY WILL NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU SAY AND THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT YOU ARE A LIAR AND WHITE TRASH. I HATE TO PUT IT THAT WAY BUT IT IS TRUE. A FRIEND OF MINE HAD AN ABUSIVE WIFE ANF THE COPS WERE CALLED ON IT. THEY PRIMARILY TOLD THEM THEY HAD TO WORK IT OUT ON THEIR OWN EVEN THOUGH TEHRE WAS A RESTRAINING ORDER. THEN FIVE MINUTES AFTER THAT THEY HAD TO COME BACK WITH AN ABULENCE B/C MY FRIENDS WIFE HAD BACKED OVER HIS LEG AND SHATTERED THE BONE. HE IS NOW DISABLED B/C OF IT AND CAN NOT WORK AT ALL.SO I HAVE NO FAITH IN THE POLICE. THIS HAS HAPPENED TO MULTIPLE FRIENDS OF MINE THE POLICE NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THE RESTRAINING ORDER. NOT IF YOU LIVE IN LOW INCOME HOUSING OR DRIVE A BAD LOOKING CAR BUT THEN IF YOU DRIVE A NEW CAR AND HAVE A NICE HOUSE THEY WILL BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOU. IT'S LIKE WHEN I HAD TO HAVE SOMEONE THAT WAS LIVING WITH US FOR A WHILE REMOVED FROM MY HOUSE B/C SHE REFUSED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. I HAD HAD ENOUGH OF HER STEALING MY STUFF AND FIGHTING ME OVER EVERYTHING. THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY COULD NOT REMOVE HER FROM MY HOUSE EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS NOT ON MY LEASE. BUT WHEN MY MOTEHR HAD THE SAME THING DONE, THEY REMOVED THE PERSON INSTANTLY AND TOLD THEM TO GET OUT. IT WAS TEH SAME EXACT SITUATION. I DIDNT UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE. SO YOU CAN SEE THAT I DONT HAVE ALOT OF FAITH IN TEH LAW ENFORCEMENT DOWN HERE.

Well, then I don't know what to tell you. You have an answer for everything for all the things you can't do but when it comes to things you can do, then nothing.

YOu refuse to call a shelter, you refuse to just get in the car with your kid and drive 500 miles away where your H can't find you and get help from a shelter there.

You refuse to call any churches and ask for assistance or to see if they can offer you any help.

You refuse to take any initiative, and you refuse to go to the people that can help you. It doesn't sound like you really want help. Perhaps this is just a troll post to see if you can get people all riled up.

I CAN NOT JUST GET IN TEH CAR AND DRIVE AWAY. I DO NOT HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE. I WOULD HAVE TO WALK ANYWHERE I NEED TO GO. AS FAR AS TEH SHELTER GO, I PLAN TO CALL THEM TOMORROW WHEN I CAN WALK DOWN TO A PAYPHONE DURING THE DAYLIGHT. IT CAN BE QUITE DANGEROUS OUT HERE ESPECIALLY SINCE I WOULD HAVE TO GO IT BY FOOT WITH MY DAUGHTER IN HER STROLLER. I CAN PACK UP FOR A COUPLE DAYS WORTH BEFORE I RETURN HERE TO GET MORE STUFF. I WISH I DID HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE BUT I NEVER GOT ACCESS TO A VEHICLE IN ORDER TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE. SOOOO, THAT MAKE LEAVING TEN TIMES AS HARD.

Take a bus. Take a train. How old are you and how old is your H?

WE ARE 25 YRS OLD. MY DAUGHTER IS ALMOST 2YRS OLD. BUSES AND TRAIN COST MONEY DONT THEY? I GET PAID ON EITHER THURSDAY OR FRIDAY. I WONT BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING THAT TAKES MONEY TIL THEN AND I CANT JUST PICK MY CHECK UP, IT IS MAILED TO MY HOME SOOO, IM GONNA HAVE TO BE HERE IN ORDER TO GET IT. BUT ONCE I GET THE MONEY, ILL SEE HOW MUCH I GOT AND THEN SEE WHAT I CAN DO. I'LL PROBABLY TRY AND TALK MY MOM INTO HELPING ME EVEN THOUGH IT DOES WORRY ME A BIT TO DO THAT STILL. MY MOTHER IS THE ONLY ONE I CAN THINK OF THAT WOULD REALLY HELP ME WITHOUT EXPECTING TOO MUCH IN RETURN. I JUST DONT WANT HIM MAKING TOO MUCH OF A RUCKAS AROUND HER OR GETTING HER ALL UPSET. MY MOTHER HAS A HEART CONDITION. ANYWAYS, ONCE MY MONEY GET HERE WE WILL BE OUTTA HERE, SOMEWHERE SAFE.

Good for you. But still call the shelter, see what they say.