Sharing a new insight...

Today on MPR there was an interesting panel discussion on forgiveness. At issue is whether one can move on without forgiving, and if not, how to forgive?

One speaker said the person who did the harm must repent, otherwise there can be no forgiveness. He said, the person who forgives an unrepentent (spouse) is someone who is lacking in self-esteem. Doesn't think enough of him/her self to expect the other person to earn the forgiveness.

Another speaker then said there is an alternative for people who can't or won't forgive the persons who did them harm. It is to transfer their thoughts from the person who harmed them, to a life situation that allowed the harm to happen. You can forgive life itself, for being the way it is and therefore for allowing the harm to have happened. This speaker said that people who are able to forgive life can get past the hurts and go on to accept life as it is, and to not feel personally wounded.

I wonder if this would work for me? Seems like it would help me to not penalize marriage itself, or men, for my negative experiences. And not make me feel pressure to forgive my H, who I don't feel has earned forgiveness yet I don't want to withhold it at my own expense.

Very interesting! I personally can't even think of forgiveness right now. I'm sure over time I will be able to forgive for myself and let all of this anger go. I'm far from being there though. Good luck to you.

Hey [color:"blue"]Deja Vu [/color],
I’m not sure what MPR is (Marriage Public Radio?). But I do know about forgiveness. I hope my response makes sense. If not, you may want to search the archives for the word "forgiveness" and read what is there. I seem to recall some mighty powerful stuff.

Forgiveness is not something one “earns”. If it was, we’d all be zombies trying to do whatever it took to achieve it! Forgiveness is something that is freely given by one who was “wronged”.

Your H may never care if you forgive him or not. You have no control over him or anyone else. The only person you have control over is yourself. You can choose to forgive or not.

Forgiveness only works if the one who was “wronged” forgives from their heart - it’s a heart attitude from within yourself.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, or negate any hurts. They happened, and they are real. But the inner peace that comes from forgiveness does allow one to move on to wholeness. I know of several divorced people (for some reason, they're all women!) who are bitter after more than a decade of divorce. Maybe they don't think they got a fair deal, or they're still feeling the stigma of D, or they haven't forgiven their H, or a combination of all three. I don't want to be like that and I know you don't either!

Christians have a defining perspective on forgiveness, but one doesn’t need to be a Christian to forgive. Whether you are or aren’t, I do have a problem with this statement:

Sometimes the “life situation” isn’t what it seems. What if the ‘person who harmed them’ caused the life situation? (For example, a father who didn’t work because he was injured in the war continually molested his daughter when her mom was at work. So what came first, the person (the father) or the fact that he didn’t work and was home (life situation) to molest her? It gets kind of mixed up, I think.

So for me personally, I chose to forgive my H. To let go of the hurt he's caused me, my kids, the embarrassment, the financial problems, etc. (you know the list!) and let God in His wisdom deal with H. I did this several years ago, and continue to have peace about it.

Minnesota Public Radio - sorry, I totally forgot the acronym will be meaningless to most people here.



Avondale - thanks for your input. I envy you your ability to find forgiveness in your heart. I can only find it in empty words that I don't really feel.

Re: the discussion above - I don't think this is what they meant - I did a lousy job of paraphrasing - I think the deal is to avoid being angry at a person who you can't change and can't get to repent. If you can't forgive that person, you instead recognize that life isn't always fair and you forgive "life" instead of the person. This is only for people who can't forgive the individual - and is a strategy to AVOID being bitter and angry forever.

I learned some years ago that one of my problems is expecting more from life than it can give on a regular basis. My beliefs were too idealistic and I was often disappointed. I'm not sure if I have totally gotten over this, but for me, forgiving "life" is in the same league as learning to accept life as it is, and not as I wanted it to be.

Like you, I also want to get through this without carrying bitterness along. I know I'm at risk for this. I'm trying very hard to NOT let my heart drive right now, because it is telling me to distrust men for wanting things from women instead of wanting women for themselves. For not being in it for the long haul. I feel used, abused, and misused. And discarded like a throwaway commodity.

OK - I can see it coming... please don't bash me - I know it's totally wrong, illogical and stereotypical. I know ALL the things that are bad about my attitude. I don't WANT to feel this way. And I don't THINK this way - but right now I do FEEL this way.

So I could pretend these thoughts haven't entered my head. I could pretend to be a "nice" person with "nice" thoughts. But I'm trying to face how I REALLY feel even if its mean, ugly, and unfair. Otherwise I'm lying to myself, and feeling even crummier - and will become someone I dont' want to be in the process. Like my H - who has invented himself as the person he wants to be. So easy for me to see when he does it. So easy for me to do it myself, if I deny the ugly side of myself.

I need to accept this side of myself, get over it, and get on with it. And for me - maybe only for me and nobody else - I need to depersonalize all of this in order to get past it. If it's just about how life works sometimes, then maybe all men aren't evil. My H wants me to forgive him so he can justify his behavior. I can't do it. I just can't do it. But, maybe I don't have to forgive my H - maybe I can just accept that sometimes things work this way. For both men and women.