Really would like to talk with someone who is also trying to survive an affair in a long term marriage (24 yrs). We have 3 children at home. The affair lasted 5 years and he never thought he would be caught. Hope to talk with someone.

Daisy, there are several here who have survived long term affairs, but the weekends are slow. They are not much different than shorter term affairs, but it does seem to take longer to recover.

Do you have any of Harley's books? If not, I would suggest getting Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can get them at the bookstore or on this website.

What kind of things is your H doing to recover your marriage? Has he ended all contact with the OW? Is he being open and honest with you about the details of the affair? Has he opened up his life to you and taken steps to rebuild trust?

The H says he has ended the affair and we are both seeing a therapist individually and twice so far together. He continues to lie about affair details. Seems very angry and blames me for just about everything. H has issues with being very "needy" and wants a great deal of external validation and praise that is difficult in a long term marriage. He withdrew from me and the children by living a "secret life". Now he is mad at me for not being with his lover. I am very angry and hurt at the time that he not only did not spend with me but he has neglected his children for 5 years. I never thought he was even capable of doing something like this and it makes me really wonder what type of person he really is.

Melody Lane gave you very good advice. Get the two books and read both of them. His reaction is VERY VERY NORMAL.

I am not yet a survivor (if that is the correct term) but I am in a 34 year marriage. I am facing the same battles and struggles, except my son is grown. My H's affair lasted for at least two years, maybe more. He says it is over and has written a NC letter, but there is always room for doubt.

There are things you must do, if you have not already. Counseling is good, but you need to read the books and the articles on this web site, and begin to work on yourself. The only person you can change is you. You can't do a thing with him. He will have to do that himself. As she said, weekends are slow, but we will talk to you and try to answer questions, but you need to read the articles at least so you will understand more of what we say.

Welcome to MB, although, like everyone else, I'm sorry you have to be here. Hold your head up high - it's NOT your fault, and it's really not about you.

Hang in there.

I have read "surviving and affair" and am in the process of reading his needs/her needs. I have also read several books by the author Gottman which were very helpful. My husband is NOT expressing guilt or remorse in a normal way. He feels somewhat justified for his actions and is just now beginning to realize the impact not only on me but on his children. Perhaps unfortunately, I know many affair details from over 3000 emails over 5 years. They are sexually explicit and very intimate. I was caring for his elderly parents during much of this time. He also emailed the lover on family vacations and went on vacations with the OW at least twice per year that I thought were meetings. He has the perfect job to cover an affair as he is "On call" quite a bit. I believed he worked long hours. I was a fool. Now I am really angry at him and can't believe he has done this not only to me but to our children.

Your situation and mine are very similar. I, too, have sexually explicit e mails. My H is not remorseful - blames me for everything - rewrote history of marriage to justify what he did - contacted her constantly during family vacations, took her on trips and overnight lovefests, spent money on her, promised her marriage and to raise her children. I too am dealing with a lot of anger- that's my biggest struggle - and I am fighting for my marriage with every breath I take. But it is a long struggle, and isn't easy at all. All I can offer you is encouragement - exposure worked - but it took 6 months. I plan A'd as long as I could, then finally a very short Plan B - I knew about the affair for over a year before it actually ended.

I think your situation is different from mine, however, in that you have already confronted him and the A appears to be over. You might need to have a no contact letter, however, to feel sure. Even then....

One thing I have found helpful is to schedule ahead of time (make an appointment) conversations about the two of you. He is in withdrawal right now, though, and relationship talks don't do a lot of good during withdrawal. One person on her recommended avoiding each other for the most part until he is through the worst part of withdrawal. Continue to meet his needs as best you can, be loving, be kind, be thoughtful. But be firm. I am compassionate with my H, and really guard my tongue. I continue to try to do things that please him, even though he doesn't notice mostly or gets mad about other things no matter what I do. If you are like me, age is a disadvantage. Do everything you can to improve your appearance. Make him notice. Smile, be friendly, go out with friends and such. Search for Bob Pure's threads on here. He really had a way with this topic. Dress to kill. Smile. Ask him if he'd like to go with you and the kids (to movie, picnic, whatever) and if he says no, go anyway. Let him see that you ARE going to have a happy life, with or without him, but you would prefer it to be with him. When he reacts in anger, you react with a calm, loving reply. But don't avoid the issue, and don't apologize. Say,"I am sorry you seem angry, but I will continue to do whatever it takes to save my marriage." This is hard work. It is not easy. It is not for the weak or faint of heart.

Additionally, have you been to your doctor? Go, and ask about antidepressants. They really help during this time. I don't even much believe in very much medication, but I am glad I did this. It helps me cope with him calmly, for the most part.

Daisy,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to see you in such an unpleasant spot.

You might want to exchange story's with "2Long" and "Former G. G."

Both are men, but both have been married 28 years and their wives are having affairs. In 2Long's case it is a long-term A - starting 14 years ago.

I'm guessing that you H has not ended the affair - not really. A long-term affair is very hard to get rid of.

If your H doesnt' want to lose his family, you have some leverage. And, since you have a long-term marriage, you would probably get a very substantial divorce settlement if it came to that - and your H would find that his lifestyle just crashed - not to mention losing the respect of the children.

Is the other woman (OW) married? If so, then you should make it your first order of business to inform her husband of the situation. If this affair was with somebody from your H's workplace, you need to inform his superiors and possible the HR department also. Exposure is one of the most powerful forces for ending an affair.

On Monday, there will be many more people here. I hope you can find the advice and support you need.

-AD (40-something guy)

How did the affair end, Daisy?

Our situations do sound similiar except you sound like a very forgiving person. I don't know how you can continue to show him kindness when he continues to blame you. I'm not sure I want to be married to someone capable of having an affair for 5 years. The fact that he is so comfortable with deceit and spent so much time away from me and more importantly my 3 children. My 17 yr old was only 13 when this started and he is devastated. We always thought Dad worked long hours - now we know the truth. Does your husband show sincere guilt and remorse for his actions? I don't see how I can begin to forgive and get past this if he continues to blame be for "pushing" him into this affair. I know I must sound horrid. Usually I am a very loving person but this has made me really question who I am married too.

Replying to Melodylane question on how did my husbands affair end. He of course tried to lie his way out of the affair all to gether but I had way to much information. He simply called the OW and told her it was over. The only reason I think I believe this is because I have met with the other women and she is devastated that he is not with her. The OW waited 5 years for my husband to leave our family. I notified the OW husband who was shocked and is now filing for divorce. To my husbands credit he has told a few people at his work which is where the affair started. I wonder what he has told them however. I appreciate all of this advice.

I hope they don't work together. If so, he needs to get another job.

Reply to "Believer" They no longer work together but we continue to live in the same city and it would be possible for them to meet at future professional meetings. I do not trust anything my H says so who knows what is really going on. I can no longer drive myself crazy by playing private investigator. He has to show me he wants his wife and family back. Right?

Right. And you both need to figure out why this happened.

Of course you are perfectly justified in divorcing him, no one here would disagree. But you need to weigh everything, and figure out if you love him and want your marriage. But it can't be your old marriage. It has to be a completely new marriage - and will take lots of work from both of you.

Is he at all willing to work on it?

Daisy, I would give it a year and see what happens. This will be a long, hard year, I won't lie to you about that, but you both will feel differently in a year than you do now. The anger and hurt is temporary, but divorce is permanent.

I wouldn't make any decisions on your marriage right now, because the judgement of both of you is severely impaired. You are traumatized and he is in the throes of withdrawal. That will all be very different in a year.

As he withdraws and becomes less defensive, sanity will start seeping back in. You will likely start to see a very remorseful man as long as you don't attack him and give him cause to be defensive. If he has to defend himself, he won't be able to take an honest look at himself. So, please avoid lovebusters, even though I know it will be hard; they will just work against you.

We have many on here who have much better marriages than they had before.

You will still have to play P.I., Daisy. For the rest of your life, probably. You have to protect yourself and watch your back. That is what you sign on for when you choose to remain in such a damaged marriage.

Even in a marriage where the trust has not been so ruined, Harley strongly counsels that we never ever blindly trust our spouse. My own H has worked his [censored] off to rebuild trust for 4 years, but I will never blindly trust him again. If I get a funny feeling, even today, I go and check it out. That will never stop.

MelodyLane, I think your advice on giving it time is very wise. Once I get beyond the shock the other problem of great concern is that my H may have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I don't know if your familiar with this psychological diagnosis but it does not respond easily to therapy and I may have to face the fact that no ONE woman could ever be could enough for him. None-the-less there is nothing wrong with giving him some time. I have already invested 24 years. At this point we are separated and he has only seen the kids twice in 9 weeks and I made the arrangements both times. I don't understand his behavior. He feels sorry for himself almost like he is the victim. I'm very knew to this online communication and am very pleased to find such compassion out there.

Daisy, I don't know if he has NPD, but he is acting like a very typical WS who just got busted. See, in his warped mind he has constructed a whole boatload of rationalizations over the years. He didn't have the affair because he is a bad guy, but because you are a meanie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He had to construct these rationalizations in order to carry on his sleazy lifestyle. The problem is that they come to believe their own crap. It takes a while for sanity to creep back in as more and more time goes by.

Also, it is not good at all that you are seperated. It is tantamount to throwing the WS into the arms of the OP. It greatly increases the chance that the affair will resume and makes it almost impossible to repair your marriage. It makes the WS feel punished and fuels his victimization fantasies.

Can you get him back home?

P.S. I am sorry you are here, but so very glad you made it to this board in your predicament! You will gets lots of experienced help and support here. Welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Daisy...welcome to MB...I am sorry that you have to be here, but MB can really help you find your way out of this forest.....and there is a way out to a new place whatever happens...you have alot going for you although you may not be able to realize it at this moment. In addition to MB, you have history with WS, your kids, yourself and God himself.

As you can see from my sig...FWS and I are in a long term relationship...but no kids....a year ago...I thought it was really over....I found MB on d-day so I followed the principles right away....two months later...I started coaching with S. Harley...if it had not been for those things.....I would have made a permanent choice and been less able to make sense of what happened. FWS and I have been in recovery for seven months...it will take a long time to learn different habits...it too just as long to build them up. MB gives us the best chance, I think.

Your hurt is surely almost unbearable at this stage...but it will get better. Read everything you can here and in the books....would you consider phone coaching with SH? It will help you as well as coming here to post...you will find lots of support and friends....

Daisy...take care of you...and may God watch over you in this journey....ss

Daisy,

I have a somewhat similar situation, even though I was 'only' M 20 yrs at Dday, and my H's A lasted 15 months.

You CAN Recover. You CAN love and be happy with your H again. Your anger CAN resolve.

All of this will take time. You need to invest the time and the work, if only for yourself, not to mention your kids.

My H did many of the things you describe - went on trips with the OW, re-wrote our marital history to justify the A, was fairly unremorseful at first after Dday.

You've already been told about WD. And that is where your H squarely is.

WSs in WD are so awful. Look through some of Bob Pure's posts on how his FWH behaved during WD.

Read SAA and HNHN. Read the posts. Consider counseling with the Harleys.

Prayers and hugs for you. you are not alone at all.

I will tell you I am so glad I stayed to work this through. There are bumps in the road, but you can have a great M again.